The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte
AUTHOR'S PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION
While I acknowledge the success of the present work to have been
greater than I anticipated, and the praises it has elicited from a
few kind critics to have been greater than it deserved, I must also
admit that from some other quarters it has been censured with an
asperity which I was as little prepared to expect, and which my
judgment, as well as my feelings, assures me is more bitter than
just. It is scarcely the province of an author to refute the
arguments of his censors and vindicate his own productions; but I
may be allowed to make here a few observations with which I would
have prefaced the first edition, had I foreseen the necessity of
such precautions against the misapprehensions of those who would
read it with a prejudiced mind or be content to judge it by a hasty
glance.
My object in writing the following pages was not simply to amuse
the Reader; neither was it to gratify my own taste, nor yet to
ingratiate myself with the Press and the Public: I wished to tell
the truth, for truth always conveys its own moral to those who are
able to receive it. But as the priceless treasure too frequently
hides at the bottom of a well, it needs some courage to dive for
it, especially as he that does so will be likely to incur more
scorn and obloquy for the mud and water into which he has ventured
to plunge, than thanks for the jewel he procures; as, in like
manner, she who undertakes the cleansing of a careless bachelor's
apartment will be liable to more abuse for the dust she raises than
commendation for the clearance she effects. Let it not be
imagined, however, that I consider myself competent to reform the
errors and abuses of society, but only that I would fain contribute
my humble quota towards so good an aim; and if I can gain the
public ear at all, I would rather whisper a few wholesome truths
therein than much soft nonsense.
As the story of 'Agnes Grey' was accused of extravagant overcolouring
in those very parts that were carefully copied from the
life, with a most scrupulous avoidance of all exaggeration, so, in
the present work, I find myself censured for depicting CON AMORE,
with 'a morbid love of the coarse, if not of the brutal,' those
scenes which, I will venture to say, have not been more painful for
the most fastidious of my critics to read than they were for me to
describe. I may have gone too far; in which case I shall be
careful not to trouble myself or my readers in the same way again;
but when we have to do with vice and vicious characters, I maintain
it is better to depict them as they really are than as they would
wish to appear. To represent a bad thing in its least offensive
light is, doubtless, the most agreeable course for a writer of
fiction to pursue; but is it the most honest, or the safest? Is it
better to reveal the snares and pitfalls of life to the young and
thoughtless traveller, or to cover them with branches and flowers?
Oh, reader! if there were less of this delicate concealment of
facts - this whispering, 'Peace, peace,' when there is no peace,
there would be less of sin and misery to the young of both sexes
who are left to wring their bitter knowledge from experience.
I would not be understood to suppose that the proceedings of the
unhappy scapegrace, with his few profligate companions I have here
introduced, are a specimen of the common practices of society - the
case is an extreme one, as I trusted none would fail to perceive;
but I know that such characters do exist, and if I have warned one
rash youth from following in their steps, or prevented one
thoughtless girl from falling into the very natural error of my
heroine, the book has not been written in vain. But, at the same
time, if any honest reader shall have derived more pain than
pleasure from its perusal, and have closed the last volume with a
disagreeable impression on his mind, I humbly crave his pardon, for
such was far from my intention; and I will endeavour to do better
another time, for I love to give innocent pleasure. Yet, be it
understood, I shall not limit my ambition to this - or even to
producing 'a perfect work of art': time and talents so spent, I
should consider wasted and misapplied. Such humble talents as God
has given me I will endeavour to put to their greatest use; if I am
able to amuse, I will try to benefit too; and when I feel it my
duty to speak an unpalatable truth, with the help of God, I WILL
speak it, though it be to the prejudice of my name and to the
detriment of my reader's immediate pleasure as well as my own.
One word more, and I have done. Respecting the author's identity,
I would have it to he distinctly understood that Acton Bell is
neither Currer nor Ellis Bell, and therefore let not his faults be
attributed to them. As to whether the name be real or fictitious,
it cannot greatly signify to those who know him only by his works.
As little, I should think, can it matter whether the writer so
designated is a man, or a woman, as one or two of my critics
profess to have discovered. I take the imputation in good part, as
a compliment to the just delineation of my female characters; and
though I am bound to attribute much of the severity of my censors
to this suspicion, I make no effort to refute it, because, in my
own mind, I am satisfied that if a book is a good one, it is so
whatever the sex of the author may be. All novels are, or should
be, written for both men and women to read, and I am at a loss to
conceive how a man should permit himself to write anything that
would be really disgraceful to a woman, or why a woman should be
censured for writing anything that would be proper and becoming for
a man.
JULY 22nd, 1848.
THE TENANT OF WILDFELL HALL
CHAPTER I
You must go back with me to the autumn of 1827.
My father, as you know, was a sort of gentleman farmer in -shire;
and I, by his express desire, succeeded him in the same quiet
occupation, not very willingly, for ambition urged me to higher
aims, and self-conceit assured me that, in disregarding its voice,
I was burying my talent in the earth, and hiding my light under a
bushel. My mother had done her utmost to persuade me that I was
capable of great achievements; but my father, who thought ambition
was the surest road to ruin, and change but another word for
destruction, would listen to no scheme for bettering either my own
condition, or that of my fellow mortals. He assured me it was all
rubbish, and exhorted me, with his dying breath, to continue in the
good old way, to follow his steps, and those of his father before
him, and let my highest ambition be to walk honestly through the
world, looking neither to the right hand nor to the left, and to
transmit the paternal acres to my children in, at least, as
flourishing a condition as he left them to me.
'Well! - an honest and industrious farmer is one of the most useful
members of society; and if I devote my talents to the cultivation
of my farm, and the improvement of agriculture in general, I shall
thereby benefit, not only my own immediate connections and
dependants, but, in some degree, mankind at large:- hence I shall
not have lived in vain.' With such reflections as these I was
endeavouring to console myself, as I plodded home from the fields,
one cold, damp, cloudy evening towards the close of October. But
the gleam of a bright red fire through the parlour window had more
effect in cheering my spirits, and rebuking my thankless repinings,
than all the sage reflections and good resolutions I had forced my
mind to frame; - for I was young then, remember - only four-andtwenty
- and had not acquired half the rule over my own spirit that
I now possess - trifling as that may be.
However, that haven of bliss must not be entered till I had
exchanged my miry boots for a clean pair of shoes, and my rough
surtout for a respectable coat, and made myself generally
presentable before decent society; for my mother, with all her
kindness, was vastly particular on certain points.
In ascending to my room I was met upon the stairs by a smart,
pretty girl of nineteen, with a tidy, dumpy figure, a round face,
bright, blooming cheeks, glossy, clustering curls, and little merry
brown eyes. I need not tell you this was my sister Rose. She is,
I know, a comely matron still, and, doubtless, no less lovely - in
your eyes - than on the happy day you first beheld her. Nothing
told me then that she, a few years hence, would be the wife of one
entirely unknown to me as yet, but destined hereafter to become a
closer friend than even herself, more intimate than that unmannerly
lad of seventeen, by whom I was collared in the passage, on coming
down, and well-nigh jerked off my equilibrium, and who, in
correction for his impudence, received a resounding whack over the
sconce, which, however, sustained no serious injury from the
infliction; as, besides being more than commonly thick, it was
protected by a redundant shock of short, reddish curls, that my
mother called auburn.
On entering the parlour we found that honoured lady seated in her
arm-chair at the fireside, working away at her knitting, according
to her usual custom, when she had nothing else to do. She had
swept the hearth, and made a bright blazing fire for our reception;
the servant had just brought in the tea-tray; and Rose was
producing the sugar-basin and tea-caddy from the cupboard in the
black oak side-board, that shone like polished ebony, in the
cheerful parlour twilight.
'Well! here they both are,' cried my mother, looking round upon us
without retarding the motion of her nimble fingers and glittering
needles. 'Now shut the door, and come to the fire, while Rose gets
the tea ready; I'm sure you must be starved; - and tell me what
you've been about all day; - I like to know what my children have
been about.'
'I've been breaking in the grey colt - no easy business that -
directing the ploughing of the last wheat stubble - for the
ploughboy has not the sense to direct himself - and carrying out a
plan for the extensive and efficient draining of the low
meadowlands.'
'That's my brave boy! - and Fergus, what have you been doing?'
'Badger-baiting.'
And here he proceeded to give a particular account of his sport,
and the respective traits of prowess evinced by the badger and the
dogs; my mother pretending to listen with deep attention, and
watching his animated countenance with a degree of maternal
admiration I thought highly disproportioned to its object.
'It's time you should be doing something else, Fergus,' said I, as
soon as a momentary pause in his narration allowed me to get in a
word.
'What can I do?' replied he; 'my mother won't let me go to sea or
enter the army; and I'm determined to do nothing else - except make
myself such a nuisance to you all, that you will be thankful to get
rid of me on any terms.'
Our parent soothingly stroked his stiff, short curls. He growled,
and tried to look sulky, and then we all took our seats at the
table, in obedience to the thrice-repeated summons of Rose.
'Now take your tea,' said she; 'and I'll tell you what I've been
doing. I've been to call on the Wilsons; and it's a thousand
pities you didn't go with me, Gilbert, for Eliza Millward was
there!'
'Well! what of her?'
'Oh, nothing! - I'm not going to tell you about her; - only that
she's a nice, amusing little thing, when she is in a merry humour,
and I shouldn't mind calling her - '
'Hush, hush, my dear! your brother has no such idea!' whispered my
mother earnestly, holding up her finger.
'Well,' resumed Rose; 'I was going to tell you an important piece
of news I heard there - I have been bursting with it ever since.
You know it was reported a month ago, that somebody was going to
take Wildfell Hall - and - what do you think? It has actually been
inhabited above a week! - and we never knew!'
'Impossible!' cried my mother.
'Preposterous!!!' shrieked Fergus.
'It has indeed! - and by a single lady!'
'Good gracious, my dear! The place is in ruins!'
'She has had two or three rooms made habitable; and there she
lives, all alone - except an old woman for a servant!'
'Oh, dear! that spoils it - I'd hoped she was a witch,' observed
Fergus, while carving his inch-thick slice of bread and butter.
'Nonsense, Fergus! But isn't it strange, mamma?'
'Strange! I can hardly believe it.'
'But you may believe it; for Jane Wilson has seen her. She went
with her mother, who, of course, when she heard of a stranger being
in the neighbourhood, would be on pins and needles till she had
seen her and got all she could out of her. She is called Mrs.
Graham, and she is in mourning - not widow's weeds, but slightish
mourning - and she is quite young, they say, - not above five or
six and twenty, - but so reserved! They tried all they could to
find out who she was and where she came from, and, all about her,
but neither Mrs. Wilson, with her pertinacious and impertinent
home-thrusts, nor Miss Wilson, with her skilful manoeuvring, could
manage to elicit a single satisfactory answer, or even a casual
remark, or chance expression calculated to allay their curiosity,
or throw the faintest ray of light upon her history, circumstances,
or connections. Moreover, she was barely civil to them, and
evidently better pleased to say 'good-by,' than 'how do you do.'
But Eliza Millward says her father intends to call upon her soon,
to offer some pastoral advice, which he fears she needs, as, though
she is known to have entered the neighbourhood early last week, she
did not make her appearance at church on Sunday; and she - Eliza,
that is - will beg to accompany him, and is sure she can succeed in
wheedling something out of her - you know, Gilbert, she can do
anything. And we should call some time, mamma; it's only proper,
you know.'
'Of course, my dear. Poor thing! How lonely she must feel!'
'And pray, be quick about it; and mind you bring me word how much
sugar she puts in her tea, and what sort of caps and aprons she
wears, and all about it; for I don't know how I can live till I
know,' said Fergus, very gravely.
But if he intended the speech to be hailed as a master-stroke of
wit, he signally failed, for nobody laughed. However, he was not
much disconcerted at that; for when he had taken a mouthful of
bread and butter and was about to swallow a gulp of tea, the humour
of the thing burst upon him with such irresistible force, that he
was obliged to jump up from the table, and rush snorting and
choking from the room; and a minute after, was heard screaming in
fearful agony in the garden.
As for me, I was hungry, and contented myself with silently
demolishing the tea, ham, and toast, while my mother and sister
went on talking, and continued to discuss the apparent or nonapparent
circumstances, and probable or improbable history of the
mysterious lady; but I must confess that, after my brother's
misadventure, I once or twice raised the cup to my lips, and put it
down again without daring to taste the contents, lest I should
injure my dignity by a similar explosion.
The next day my mother and Rose hastened to pay their compliments
to the fair recluse; and came back but little wiser than they went;
though my mother declared she did not regret the journey, for if
she had not gained much good, she flattered herself she had
imparted some, and that was better: she had given some useful
advice, which, she hoped, would not be thrown away; for Mrs.
Graham, though she said little to any purpose, and appeared
somewhat self-opinionated, seemed not incapable of reflection, -
though she did not know where she had been all her life, poor
thing, for she betrayed a lamentable ignorance on certain points,
and had not even the sense to be ashamed of it.
'On what points, mother?' asked I.
'On household matters, and all the little niceties of cookery, and
such things, that every lady ought to be familiar with, whether she
be required to make a practical use of her knowledge or not. I
gave her some useful pieces of information, however, and several
excellent receipts, the value of which she evidently could not
appreciate, for she begged I would not trouble myself, as she lived
in such a plain, quiet way, that she was sure she should never make
use of them. "No matter, my dear," said I; "it is what every
respectable female ought to know; - and besides, though you are
alone now, you will not be always so; you have been married, and
probably - I might say almost certainly - will be again." "You are
mistaken there, ma'am," said she, almost haughtily; "I am certain I
never shall." - But I told her I knew better.'
'Some romantic young widow, I suppose,' said I, 'come there to end
her days in solitude, and mourn in secret for the dear departed -
but it won't last long.'
'No, I think not,' observed Rose; 'for she didn't seem very
disconsolate after all; and she's excessively pretty - handsome
rather - you must see her, Gilbert; you will call her a perfect
beauty, though you could hardly pretend to discover a resemblance
between her and Eliza Millward.'
'Well, I can imagine many faces more beautiful than Eliza's, though
not more charming. I allow she has small claims to perfection; but
then, I maintain that, if she were more perfect, she would be less
interesting.'
'And so you prefer her faults to other people's perfections?'
'Just so - saving my mother's presence.'
'Oh, my dear Gilbert, what nonsense you talk! - I know you don't
mean it; it's quite out of the question,' said my mother, getting
up, and bustling out of the room, under pretence of household
business, in order to escape the contradiction that was trembling
on my tongue.
After that Rose favoured me with further particulars respecting
Mrs. Graham. Her appearance, manners, and dress, and the very
furniture of the room she inhabited, were all set before me, with
rather more clearness and precision than I cared to see them; but,
as I was not a very attentive listener, I could not repeat the
description if I would.
The next day was Saturday; and, on Sunday, everybody wondered
whether or not the fair unknown would profit by the vicar's
remonstrance, and come to church. I confess I looked with some
interest myself towards the old family pew, appertaining to
Wildfell Hall, where the faded crimson cushions and lining had been
unpressed and unrenewed so many years, and the grim escutcheons,
with their lugubrious borders of rusty black cloth, frowned so
sternly from the wall above.
And there I beheld a tall, lady-like figure, clad in black. Her
face was towards me, and there was something in it which, once
seen, invited me to look again. Her hair was raven black, and
disposed in long glossy ringlets, a style of coiffure rather
unusual in those days, but always graceful and becoming; her
complexion was clear and pale; her eyes I could not see, for, being
bent upon her prayer-book, they were concealed by their drooping
lids and long black lashes, but the brows above were expressive and
well defined; the forehead was lofty and intellectual, the nose, a
perfect aquiline and the features, in general, unexceptionable -
only there was a slight hollowness about the cheeks and eyes, and
the lips, though finely formed, were a little too thin, a little
too firmly compressed, and had something about them that betokened,
I thought, no very soft or amiable temper; and I said in my heart -
'I would rather admire you from this distance, fair lady, than be
the partner of your home.'
Just then she happened to raise her eyes, and they met mine; I did
not choose to withdraw my gaze, and she turned again to her book,
but with a momentary, indefinable expression of quiet scorn, that
was inexpressibly provoking to me.
'She thinks me an impudent puppy,' thought I. 'Humph! - she shall
change her mind before long, if I think it worth while.'
But then it flashed upon me that these were very improper thoughts
for a place of worship, and that my behaviour, on the present
occasion, was anything but what it ought to be. Previous, however,
to directing my mind to the service, I glanced round the church to
see if any one had been observing me; - but no, - all, who were not
attending to their prayer-books, were attending to the strange
lady, - my good mother and sister among the rest, and Mrs. Wilson
and her daughter; and even Eliza Millward was slily glancing from
the corners of her eyes towards the object of general attraction.
Then she glanced at me, simpered a little, and blushed, modestly
looked at her prayer-book, and endeavoured to compose her features.
Here I was transgressing again; and this time I was made sensible
of it by a sudden dig in the ribs, from the elbow of my pert
brother. For the present, I could only resent the insult by
pressing my foot upon his toes, deferring further vengeance till we
got out of church.
Now, Halford, before I close this letter, I'll tell you who Eliza
Millward was: she was the vicar's younger daughter, and a very
engaging little creature, for whom I felt no small degree of
partiality; - and she knew it, though I had never come to any
direct explanation, and had no definite intention of so doing, for
my mother, who maintained there was no one good enough for me
within twenty miles round, could not bear the thoughts of my
marrying that insignificant little thing, who, in addition to her
numerous other disqualifications, had not twenty pounds to call her
own. Eliza's figure was at once slight and plump, her face small,
and nearly as round as my sister's, - complexion, something similar
to hers, but more delicate and less decidedly blooming, - nose,
retrousse, - features, generally irregular; and, altogether, she
was rather charming than pretty. But her eyes - I must not forget
those remarkable features, for therein her chief attraction lay -
in outward aspect at least; - they were long and narrow in shape,
the irids black, or very dark brown, the expression various, and
ever changing, but always either preternaturally - I had almost
said diabolically - wicked, or irresistibly bewitching - often
both. Her voice was gentle and childish, her tread light and soft
as that of a cat:- but her manners more frequently resembled those
of a pretty playful kitten, that is now pert and roguish, now timid
and demure, according to its own sweet will.
Her sister, Mary, was several years older, several inches taller,
and of a larger, coarser build - a plain, quiet, sensible girl, who
had patiently nursed their mother, through her last long, tedious
illness, and been the housekeeper, and family drudge, from thence
to the present time. She was trusted and valued by her father,
loved and courted by all dogs, cats, children, and poor people, and
slighted and neglected by everybody else.
The Reverend Michael Millward himself was a tall, ponderous elderly
gentleman, who placed a shovel hat above his large, square,
massive-featured face, carried a stout walking-stick in his hand,
and incased his still powerful limbs in knee-breeches and gaiters,
- or black silk stockings on state occasions. He was a man of
fixed principles, strong prejudices, and regular habits, intolerant
of dissent in any shape, acting under a firm conviction that his
opinions were always right, and whoever differed from them must be
either most deplorably ignorant, or wilfully blind.
In childhood, I had always been accustomed to regard him with a
feeling of reverential awe - but lately, even now, surmounted, for,
though he had a fatherly kindness for the well-behaved, he was a
strict disciplinarian, and had often sternly reproved our juvenile
failings and peccadilloes; and moreover, in those days, whenever he
called upon our parents, we had to stand up before him, and say our
catechism, or repeat, 'How doth the little busy bee,' or some other
hymn, or - worse than all - be questioned about his last text, and
the heads of the discourse, which we never could remember.
Sometimes, the worthy gentleman would reprove my mother for being
over-indulgent to her sons, with a reference to old Eli, or David
and Absalom, which was particularly galling to her feelings; and,
very highly as she respected him, and all his sayings, I once heard
her exclaim, 'I wish to goodness he had a son himself! He wouldn't
be so ready with his advice to other people then; - he'd see what
it is to have a couple of boys to keep in order.'
He had a laudable care for his own bodily health - kept very early
hours, regularly took a walk before breakfast, was vastly
particular about warm and dry clothing, had never been known to
preach a sermon without previously swallowing a raw egg - albeit he
was gifted with good lungs and a powerful voice, - and was,
generally, extremely particular about what he ate and drank, though
by no means abstemious, and having a mode of dietary peculiar to
himself, - being a great despiser of tea and such slops, and a
patron of malt liquors, bacon and eggs, ham, hung beef, and other
strong meats, which agreed well enough with his digestive organs,
and therefore were maintained by him to be good and wholesome for
everybody, and confidently recommended to the most delicate
convalescents or dyspeptics, who, if they failed to derive the
promised benefit from his prescriptions, were told it was because
they had not persevered, and if they complained of inconvenient
results therefrom, were assured it was all fancy.
I will just touch upon two other persons whom I have mentioned, and
then bring this long letter to a close. These are Mrs. Wilson and
her daughter. The former was the widow of a substantial farmer, a
narrow-minded, tattling old gossip, whose character is not worth
describing. She had two sons, Robert, a rough countrified farmer,
and Richard, a retiring, studious young man, who was studying the
classics with the vicar's assistance, preparing for college, with a
view to enter the church.
Their sister Jane was a young lady of some talents, and more
ambition. She had, at her own desire, received a regular boardingschool
education, superior to what any member of the family had
obtained before. She had taken the polish well, acquired
considerable elegance of manners, quite lost her provincial accent,
and could boast of more accomplishments than the vicar's daughters.
She was considered a beauty besides; but never for a moment could
she number me amongst her admirers. She was about six and twenty,
rather tall and very slender, her hair was neither chestnut nor
auburn, but a most decided bright, light red; her complexion was
remarkably fair and brilliant, her head small, neck long, chin well
turned, but very short, lips thin and red, eyes clear hazel, quick,
and penetrating, but entirely destitute of poetry or feeling. She
had, or might have had, many suitors in her own rank of life, but
scornfully repulsed or rejected them all; for none but a gentleman
could please her refined taste, and none but a rich one could
satisfy her soaring ambition. One gentleman there was, from whom
she had lately received some rather pointed attentions, and upon
whose heart, name, and fortune, it was whispered, she had serious
designs. This was Mr. Lawrence, the young squire, whose family had
formerly occupied Wildfell Hall, but had deserted it, some fifteen
years ago, for a more modern and commodious mansion in the
neighbouring parish.
Now, Halford, I bid you adieu for the present. This is the first
instalment of my debt. If the coin suits you, tell me so, and I'll
send you the rest at my leisure: if you would rather remain my
creditor than stuff your purse with such ungainly, heavy pieces, -
tell me still, and I'll pardon your bad taste, and willingly keep
the treasure to myself.
Yours immutably,
GILBERT MARKHAM.
CHAPTER II
I perceive, with joy, my most valued friend, that the cloud of your
displeasure has passed away; the light of your countenance blesses
me once more, and you desire the continuation of my story:
therefore, without more ado, you shall have it.
I think the day I last mentioned was a certain Sunday, the latest
in the October of 1827. On the following Tuesday I was out with my
dog and gun, in pursuit of such game as I could find within the
territory of Linden-Car; but finding none at all, I turned my arms
against the hawks and carrion crows, whose depredations, as I
suspected, had deprived me of better prey. To this end I left the
more frequented regions, the wooded valleys, the corn-fields, and
the meadow-lands, and proceeded to mount the steep acclivity of
Wildfell, the wildest and the loftiest eminence in our
neighbourhood, where, as you ascend, the hedges, as well as the
trees, become scanty and stunted, the former, at length, giving
place to rough stone fences, partly greened over with ivy and moss,
the latter to larches and Scotch fir-trees, or isolated
blackthorns. The fields, being rough and stony, and wholly unfit
for the plough, were mostly devoted to the posturing of sheep and
cattle; the soil was thin and poor: bits of grey rock here and
there peeped out from the grassy hillocks; bilberry-plants and
heather - relics of more savage wildness - grew under the walls;
and in many of the enclosures, ragweeds and rushes usurped
supremacy over the scanty herbage; but these were not my property.
Near the top of this hill, about two miles from Linden-Car, stood
Wildfell Hall, a superannuated mansion of the Elizabethan era,
built of dark grey stone, venerable and picturesque to look at, but
doubtless, cold and gloomy enough to inhabit, with its thick stone
mullions and little latticed panes, its time-eaten air-holes, and
its too lonely, too unsheltered situation, - only shielded from the
war of wind and weather by a group of Scotch firs, themselves half
blighted with storms, and looking as stern and gloomy as the Hall
itself. Behind it lay a few desolate fields, and then the brown
heath-clad summit of the hill; before it (enclosed by stone walls,
and entered by an iron gate, with large balls of grey granite -
similar to those which decorated the roof and gables - surmounting
the gate-posts) was a garden, - once stocked with such hard plants
and flowers as could best brook the soil and climate, and such
trees and shrubs as could best endure the gardener's torturing
shears, and most readily assume the shapes he chose to give them, -
now, having been left so many years untilled and untrimmed,
abandoned to the weeds and the grass, to the frost and the wind,
the rain and the drought, it presented a very singular appearance
indeed. The close green walls of privet, that had bordered the
principal walk, were two-thirds withered away, and the rest grown
beyond all reasonable bounds; the old boxwood swan, that sat beside
the scraper, had lost its neck and half its body: the castellated
towers of laurel in the middle of the garden, the gigantic warrior
that stood on one side of the gateway, and the lion that guarded
the other, were sprouted into such fantastic shapes as resembled
nothing either in heaven or earth, or in the waters under the
earth; but, to my young imagination, they presented all of them a
goblinish appearance, that harmonised well with the ghostly legions
and dark traditions our old nurse had told us respecting the
haunted hall and its departed occupants.
I had succeeded in killing a hawk and two crows when I came within
sight of the mansion; and then, relinquishing further depredations,
I sauntered on, to have a look at the old place, and see what
changes had been wrought in it by its new inhabitant. I did not
like to go quite to the front and stare in at the gate; but I
paused beside the garden wall, and looked, and saw no change -
except in one wing, where the broken windows and dilapidated roof
had evidently been repaired, and where a thin wreath of smoke was
curling up from the stack of chimneys.
While I thus stood, leaning on my gun, and looking up at the dark
gables, sunk in an idle reverie, weaving a tissue of wayward
fancies, in which old associations and the fair young hermit, now
within those walls, bore a nearly equal part, I heard a slight
rustling and scrambling just within the garden; and, glancing in
the direction whence the sound proceeded, I beheld a tiny hand
elevated above the wall: it clung to the topmost stone, and then
another little hand was raised to take a firmer hold, and then
appeared a small white forehead, surmounted with wreaths of light
brown hair, with a pair of deep blue eyes beneath, and the upper
portion of a diminutive ivory nose.
The eyes did not notice me, but sparkled with glee on beholding
Sancho, my beautiful black and white setter, that was coursing
about the field with its muzzle to the ground. The little creature
raised its face and called aloud to the dog. The good-natured
animal paused, looked up, and wagged his tail, but made no further
advances. The child (a little boy, apparently about five years
old) scrambled up to the top of the wall, and called again and
again; but finding this of no avail, apparently made up his mind,
like Mahomet, to go to the mountain, since the mountain would not
come to him, and attempted to get over; but a crabbed old cherrytree,
that grew hard by, caught him by the frock in one of its
crooked scraggy arms that stretched over the wall. In attempting
to disengage himself his foot slipped, and down he tumbled - but
not to the earth; - the tree still kept him suspended. There was a
silent struggle, and then a piercing shriek; - but, in an instant,
I had dropped my gun on the grass, and caught the little fellow in
my arms.
I wiped his eyes with his frock, told him he was all right and
called Sancho to pacify him. He was just putting little hand on
the dog's neck and beginning to smile through his tears, when I
heard behind me a click of the iron gate, and a rustle of female
garments, and lo! Mrs. Graham darted upon me - her neck uncovered,
her black locks streaming in the wind.
'Give me the child!' she said, in a voice scarce louder than a
whisper, but with a tone of startling vehemence, and, seizing the
boy, she snatched him from me, as if some dire contamination were
in my touch, and then stood with one hand firmly clasping his, the
other on his shoulder, fixing upon me her large, luminous dark eyes
- pale, breathless, quivering with agitation.
'I was not harming the child, madam,' said I, scarce knowing
whether to be most astonished or displeased; 'he was tumbling off
the wall there; and I was so fortunate as to catch him, while he
hung suspended headlong from that tree, and prevent I know not what
catastrophe.'
'I beg your pardon, sir,' stammered she; - suddenly calming down, -
the light of reason seeming to break upon her beclouded spirit, and
a faint blush mantling on her cheek - 'I did not know you; - and I
thought - '
She stooped to kiss the child, and fondly clasped her arm round his
neck.
'You thought I was going to kidnap your son, I suppose?'
She stroked his head with a half-embarrassed laugh, and replied, -
'I did not know he had attempted to climb the wall. - I have the
pleasure of addressing Mr. Markham, I believe?' she added, somewhat
abruptly.
I bowed, but ventured to ask how she knew me.
'Your sister called here, a few days ago, with Mrs. Markham.'
'Is the resemblance so strong then?' I asked, in some surprise, and
not so greatly flattered at the idea as I ought to have been.
'There is a likeness about the eyes and complexion I think,'
replied she, somewhat dubiously surveying my face; - 'and I think I
saw you at church on Sunday.'
I smiled. - There was something either in that smile or the
recollections it awakened that was particularly displeasing to her,
for she suddenly assumed again that proud, chilly look that had so
unspeakably roused my aversion at church - a look of repellent
scorn, so easily assumed, and so entirely without the least
distortion of a single feature, that, while there, it seemed like
the natural expression of the face, and was the more provoking to
me, because I could not think it affected.
'Good-morning, Mr. Markham,' said she; and without another word or
glance, she withdrew, with her child, into the garden; and I
returned home, angry and dissatisfied - I could scarcely tell you
why, and therefore will not attempt it.
I only stayed to put away my gun and powder-horn, and give some
requisite directions to one of the farming-men, and then repaired
to the vicarage, to solace my spirit and soothe my ruffled temper
with the company and conversation of Eliza Millward.
I found her, as usual, busy with some piece of soft embroidery (the
mania for Berlin wools had not yet commenced), while her sister was
seated at the chimney-corner, with the cat on her knee, mending a
heap of stockings.
'Mary - Mary! put them away!' Eliza was hastily saying, just as I
entered the room.
'Not I, indeed!' was the phlegmatic reply; and my appearance
prevented further discussion.
'You're so unfortunate, Mr. Markham!' observed the younger sister,
with one of her arch, sidelong glances. 'Papa's just gone out into
the parish, and not likely to be back for an hour!'
'Never mind; I can manage to spend a few minutes with his
daughters, if they'll allow me,' said I, bringing a chair to the
fire, and seating myself therein, without waiting to be asked.
'Well, if you'll be very good and amusing, we shall not object.'
'Let your permission be unconditional, pray; for I came not to give
pleasure, but to seek it,' I answered.
However, I thought it but reasonable to make some slight exertion
to render my company agreeable; and what little effort I made, was
apparently pretty successful, for Miss Eliza was never in a better
humour. We seemed, indeed, to be mutually pleased with each other,
and managed to maintain between us a cheerful and animated though
not very profound conversation. It was little better than a TETEE-
TETE, for Miss Millward never opened her lips, except
occasionally to correct some random assertion or exaggerated
expression of her sister's, and once to ask her to pick up the ball
of cotton that had rolled under the table. I did this myself,
however, as in duty bound.
'Thank you, Mr. Markham,' said she, as I presented it to her. 'I
would have picked it up myself; only I did not want to disturb the
cat.'
'Mary, dear, that won't excuse you in Mr. Markham's eyes,' said
Eliza; 'he hates cats, I daresay, as cordially as he does old maids
- like all other gentlemen. Don't you, Mr. Markham?'
'I believe it is natural for our unamiable sex to dislike the
creatures,' replied I; 'for you ladies lavish so many caresses upon
them.'
'Bless them - little darlings!' cried she, in a sudden burst of
enthusiasm, turning round and overwhelming her sister's pet with a
shower of kisses.
'Don't, Eliza!' said Miss Millward, somewhat gruffly, as she
impatiently pushed her away.
But it was time for me to be going: make what haste I would, I
should still be too late for tea; and my mother was the soul of
order and punctuality.
My fair friend was evidently unwilling to bid me adieu. I tenderly
squeezed her little hand at parting; and she repaid me with one of
her softest smiles and most bewitching glances. I went home very
happy, with a heart brimful of complacency for myself, and
overflowing with love for Eliza.
CHAPTER III
Two days after, Mrs. Graham called at Linden-Car, contrary to the
expectation of Rose, who entertained an idea that the mysterious
occupant of Wildfell Hall would wholly disregard the common
observances of civilized life, - in which opinion she was supported
by the Wilsons, who testified that neither their call nor the
Millwards' had been returned as yet. Now, however, the cause of
that omission was explained, though not entirely to the
satisfaction of Rose. Mrs. Graham had brought her child with her,
and on my mother's expressing surprise that he could walk so far,
she replied, - 'It is a long walk for him; but I must have either
taken him with me, or relinquished the visit altogether; for I
never leave him alone; and I think, Mrs. Markham, I must beg you to
make my excuses to the Millwards and Mrs. Wilson, when you see
them, as I fear I cannot do myself the pleasure of calling upon
them till my little Arthur is able to accompany me.'
'But you have a servant,' said Rose; 'could you not leave him with
her?'
'She has her own occupations to attend to; and besides, she is too
old to run after a child, and he is too mercurial to be tied to an
elderly woman.'
'But you left him to come to church.'
'Yes, once; but I would not have left him for any other purpose;
and I think, in future, I must contrive to bring him with me, or
stay at home.'
'Is he so mischievous?' asked my mother, considerably shocked.
'No,' replied the lady, sadly smiling, as she stroked the wavy
locks of her son, who was seated on a low stool at her feet; 'but
he is my only treasure, and I am his only friend: so we don't like
to be separated.'
'But, my dear, I call that doting,' said my plain-spoken parent.
'You should try to suppress such foolish fondness, as well to save
your son from ruin as yourself from ridicule.'
'Ruin! Mrs. Markham!'
'Yes; it is spoiling the child. Even at his age, he ought not to
be always tied to his mother's apron-string; he should learn to be
ashamed of it.'
'Mrs. Markham, I beg you will not say such things, in his presence,
at least. I trust my son will never be ashamed to love his
mother!' said Mrs. Graham, with a serious energy that startled the
company.
My mother attempted to appease her by an explanation; but she
seemed to think enough had been said on the subject, and abruptly
turned the conversation.
'Just as I thought,' said I to myself: 'the lady's temper is none
of the mildest, notwithstanding her sweet, pale face and lofty
brow, where thought and suffering seem equally to have stamped
their impress.'
All this time I was seated at a table on the other side of the
room, apparently immersed in the perusal of a volume of the
FARMER'S MAGAZINE, which I happened to have been reading at the
moment of our visitor's arrival; and, not choosing to be over
civil, I had merely bowed as she entered, and continued my
occupation as before.
In a little while, however, I was sensible that some one was
approaching me, with a light, but slow and hesitating tread. It
was little Arthur, irresistibly attracted by my dog Sancho, that
was lying at my feet. On looking up I beheld him standing about
two yards off, with his clear blue eyes wistfully gazing on the
dog, transfixed to the spot, not by fear of the animal, but by a
timid disinclination to approach its master. A little
encouragement, however, induced him to come forward. The child,
though shy, was not sullen. In a minute he was kneeling on the
carpet, with his arms round Sancho's neck, and, in a minute or two
more, the little fellow was seated on my knee, surveying with eager
interest the various specimens of horses, cattle, pigs, and model
farms portrayed in the volume before me. I glanced at his mother
now and then to see how she relished the new-sprung intimacy; and I
saw, by the unquiet aspect of her eye, that for some reason or
other she was uneasy at the child's position.
'Arthur,' said she, at length, 'come here. You are troublesome to
Mr. Markham: he wishes to read.'
'By no means, Mrs. Graham; pray let him stay. I am as much amused
as he is,' pleaded I. But still, with hand and eye, she silently
called him to her side.
'No, mamma,' said the child; 'let me look at these pictures first;
and then I'll come, and tell you all about them.'
'We are going to have a small party on Monday, the fifth of
November,' said my mother; 'and I hope you will not refuse to make
one, Mrs. Graham. You can bring your little boy with you, you know
- I daresay we shall be able to amuse him; - and then you can make
your own apologies to the Millwards and Wilsons - they will all be
here, I expect.'
'Thank you, I never go to parties.'
'Oh! but this will be quite a family concern - early hours, and
nobody here but ourselves, and just the Millwards and Wilsons, most
of whom you already know, and Mr. Lawrence, your landlord, with
whom you ought to make acquaintance.'
'I do know something of him - but you must excuse me this time; for
the evenings, now, are dark and damp, and Arthur, I fear, is too
delicate to risk exposure to their influence with impunity. We
must defer the enjoyment of your hospitality till the return of
longer days and warmer nights.'
Rose, now, at a hint from my mother, produced a decanter of wine,
with accompaniments of glasses and cake, from the cupboard and the
oak sideboard, and the refreshment was duly presented to the
guests. They both partook of the cake, but obstinately refused the
wine, in spite of their hostess's hospitable attempts to force it
upon them. Arthur, especially shrank from the ruby nectar as if in
terror and disgust, and was ready to cry when urged to take it.
'Never mind, Arthur,' said his mamma; 'Mrs. Markham thinks it will
do you good, as you were tired with your walk; but she will not
oblige you to take it! - I daresay you will do very well without.
He detests the very sight of wine,' she added, 'and the smell of it
almost makes him sick. I have been accustomed to make him swallow
a little wine or weak spirits-and-water, by way of medicine, when
he was sick, and, in fact, I have done what I could to make him
hate them.'
Everybody laughed, except the young widow and her son.
'Well, Mrs. Graham,' said my mother, wiping the tears of merriment
from her bright blue eyes - 'well, you surprise me! I really gave
you credit for having more sense. - The poor child will be the
veriest milksop that ever was sopped! Only think what a man you
will make of him, if you persist in - '
'I think it a very excellent plan,' interrupted Mrs. Graham, with
imperturbable gravity. 'By that means I hope to save him from one
degrading vice at least. I wish I could render the incentives to
every other equally innoxious in his case.'
'But by such means,' said I, 'you will never render him virtuous. -
What is it that constitutes virtue, Mrs. Graham? Is it the
circumstance of being able and willing to resist temptation; or
that of having no temptations to resist? - Is he a strong man that
overcomes great obstacles and performs surprising achievements,
though by dint of great muscular exertion, and at the risk of some
subsequent fatigue, or he that sits in his chair all day, with
nothing to do more laborious than stirring the fire, and carrying
his food to his mouth? If you would have your son to walk
honourably through the world, you must not attempt to clear the
stones from his path, but teach him to walk firmly over them - not
insist upon leading him by the hand, but let him learn to go
alone.'
'I will lead him by the hand, Mr. Markham, till he has strength to
go alone; and I will clear as many stones from his path as I can,
and teach him to avoid the rest - or walk firmly over them, as you
say; - for when I have done my utmost, in the way of clearance,
there will still be plenty left to exercise all the agility,
steadiness, and circumspection he will ever have. - It is all very
well to talk about noble resistance, and trials of virtue; but for
fifty - or five hundred men that have yielded to temptation, show
me one that has had virtue to resist. And why should I take it for
granted that my son will be one in a thousand? - and not rather
prepare for the worst, and suppose he will be like his - like the
rest of mankind, unless I take care to prevent it?'
'You are very complimentary to us all,' I observed.
'I know nothing about you - I speak of those I do know - and when I
see the whole race of mankind (with a few rare exceptions)
stumbling and blundering along the path of life, sinking into every
pitfall, and breaking their shins over every impediment that lies
in their way, shall I not use all the means in my power to insure
for him a smoother and a safer passage?'
'Yes, but the surest means will be to endeavour to fortify him
against temptation, not to remove it out of his way.'
'I will do both, Mr. Markham. God knows he will have temptations
enough to assail him, both from within and without, when I have
done all I can to render vice as uninviting to him, as it is
abominable in its own nature - I myself have had, indeed, but few
incentives to what the world calls vice, but yet I have experienced
temptations and trials of another kind, that have required, on many
occasions, more watchfulness and firmness to resist than I have
hitherto been able to muster against them. And this, I believe, is
what most others would acknowledge who are accustomed to
reflection, and wishful to strive against their natural
corruptions.'
'Yes,' said my mother, but half apprehending her drift; 'but you
would not judge of a boy by yourself - and, my dear Mrs. Graham,
let me warn you in good time against the error - the fatal error, I
may call it - of taking that boy's education upon yourself.
Because you are clever in some things and well informed, you may
fancy yourself equal to the task; but indeed you are not; and if
you persist in the attempt, believe me you will bitterly repent it
when the mischief is done.'
'I am to send him to school, I suppose, to learn to despise his
mother's authority and affection!' said the lady, with rather a
bitter smile.
'Oh, no! - But if you would have a boy to despise his mother, let
her keep him at home, and spend her life in petting him up, and
slaving to indulge his follies and caprices.'
'I perfectly agree with you, Mrs. Markham; but nothing can be
further from my principles and practice than such criminal weakness
as that.'
'Well, but you will treat him like a girl - you'll spoil his
spirit, and make a mere Miss Nancy of him - you will, indeed, Mrs.
Graham, whatever you may think. But I'll get Mr. Millward to talk
to you about it:- he'll tell you the consequences; - he'll set it
before you as plain as the day; - and tell you what you ought to
do, and all about it; - and, I don't doubt, he'll be able to
convince you in a minute.'
'No occasion to trouble the vicar,' said Mrs. Graham, glancing at
me - I suppose I was smiling at my mother's unbounded confidence in
that worthy gentleman - 'Mr. Markham here thinks his powers of
conviction at least equal to Mr. Millward's. If I hear not him,
neither should I be convinced though one rose from the dead, he
would tell you. Well, Mr. Markham, you that maintain that a boy
should not be shielded from evil, but sent out to battle against
it, alone and unassisted - not taught to avoid the snares of life,
but boldly to rush into them, or over them, as he may - to seek
danger, rather than shun it, and feed his virtue by temptation, -
would you -?'
'I beg your pardon, Mrs. Graham - but you get on too fast. I have
not yet said that a boy should be taught to rush into the snares of
life, - or even wilfully to seek temptation for the sake of
exercising his virtue by overcoming it; - I only say that it is
better to arm and strengthen your hero, than to disarm and enfeeble
the foe; - and if you were to rear an oak sapling in a hothouse,
tending it carefully night and day, and shielding it from every
breath of wind, you could not expect it to become a hardy tree,
like that which has grown up on the mountain-side, exposed to all
the action of the elements, and not even sheltered from the shock
of the tempest.'
'Granted; - but would you use the same argument with regard to a
girl?'
'Certainly not.'
'No; you would have her to be tenderly and delicately nurtured,
like a hot-house plant - taught to cling to others for direction
and support, and guarded, as much as possible, from the very
knowledge of evil. But will you be so good as to inform me why you
make this distinction? Is it that you think she has no virtue?'
'Assuredly not.'
'Well, but you affirm that virtue is only elicited by temptation; -
and you think that a woman cannot be too little exposed to
temptation, or too little acquainted with vice, or anything
connected therewith. It must be either that you think she is
essentially so vicious, or so feeble-minded, that she cannot
withstand temptation, - and though she may be pure and innocent as
long as she is kept in ignorance and restraint, yet, being
destitute of real virtue, to teach her how to sin is at once to
make her a sinner, and the greater her knowledge, the wider her
liberty, the deeper will be her depravity, - whereas, in the nobler
sex, there is a natural tendency to goodness, guarded by a superior
fortitude, which, the more it is exercised by trials and dangers,
is only the further developed - '
'Heaven forbid that I should think so!' I interrupted her at last.
'Well, then, it must be that you think they are both weak and prone
to err, and the slightest error, the merest shadow of pollution,
will ruin the one, while the character of the other will be
strengthened and embellished - his education properly finished by a
little practical acquaintance with forbidden things. Such
experience, to him (to use a trite simile), will be like the storm
to the oak, which, though it may scatter the leaves, and snap the
smaller branches, serves but to rivet the roots, and to harden and
condense the fibres of the tree. You would have us encourage our
sons to prove all things by their own experience, while our
daughters must not even profit by the experience of others. Now I
would have both so to benefit by the experience of others, and the
precepts of a higher authority, that they should know beforehand to
refuse the evil and choose the good, and require no experimental
proofs to teach them the evil of transgression. I would not send a
poor girl into the world, unarmed against her foes, and ignorant of
the snares that beset her path; nor would I watch and guard her,
till, deprived of self-respect and self-reliance, she lost the
power or the will to watch and guard herself; - and as for my son -
if I thought he would grow up to be what you call a man of the
world - one that has "seen life," and glories in his experience,
even though he should so far profit by it as to sober down, at
length, into a useful and respected member of society - I would
rather that he died to-morrow! - rather a thousand times!' she
earnestly repeated, pressing her darling to her side and kissing
his forehead with intense affection. He had already left his new
companion, and been standing for some time beside his mother's
knee, looking up into her face, and listening in silent wonder to
her incomprehensible discourse.
'Well! you ladies must always have the last word, I suppose,' said
I, observing her rise, and begin to take leave of my mother.
'You may have as many words as you please, - only I can't stay to
hear them.'
'No; that is the way: you hear just as much of an argument as you
please; and the rest may be spoken to the wind.'
'If you are anxious to say anything more on the subject,' replied
she, as she shook hands with Rose, 'you must bring your sister to
see me some fine day, and I'll listen, as patiently as you could
wish, to whatever you please to say. I would rather be lectured by
you than the vicar, because I should have less remorse in telling
you, at the end of the discourse, that I preserve my own opinion
precisely the same as at the beginning - as would be the case, I am
persuaded, with regard to either logician.'
'Yes, of course,' replied I, determined to be as provoking as
herself; 'for when a lady does consent to listen to an argument
against her own opinions, she is always predetermined to withstand
it - to listen only with her bodily ears, keeping the mental organs
resolutely closed against the strongest reasoning.'
'Good-morning, Mr. Markham,' said my fair antagonist, with a
pitying smile; and deigning no further rejoinder, she slightly
bowed, and was about to withdraw; but her son, with childish
impertinence, arrested her by exclaiming, - 'Mamma, you have not
shaken hands with Mr. Markham!'
She laughingly turned round and held out her hand. I gave it a
spiteful squeeze, for I was annoyed at the continual injustice she
had done me from the very dawn of our acquaintance. Without
knowing anything about my real disposition and principles, she was
evidently prejudiced against me, and seemed bent upon showing me
that her opinions respecting me, on every particular, fell far
below those I entertained of myself. I was naturally touchy, or it
would not have vexed me so much. Perhaps, too, I was a little bit
spoiled by my mother and sister, and some other ladies of my
acquaintance; - and yet I was by no means a fop - of that I am
fully convinced, whether you are or not.
CHAPTER IV
Our party, on the 5th of November, passed off very well, in spite
of Mrs. Graham's refusal to grace it with her presence. Indeed, it
is probable that, had she been there, there would have been less
cordiality, freedom, and frolic amongst us than there was without
her.
My mother, as usual, was cheerful and chatty, full of activity and
good-nature, and only faulty in being too anxious to make her
guests happy, thereby forcing several of them to do what their soul
abhorred in the way of eating or drinking, sitting opposite the
blazing fire, or talking when they would be silent. Nevertheless,
they bore it very well, being all in their holiday humours.
Mr. Millward was mighty in important dogmas and sententious jokes,
pompous anecdotes and oracular discourses, dealt out for the
edification of the whole assembly in general, and of the admiring
Mrs. Markham, the polite Mr. Lawrence, the sedate Mary Millward,
the quiet Richard Wilson, and the matter-of-fact Robert in
particular, - as being the most attentive listeners.
Mrs. Wilson was more brilliant than ever, with her budgets of fresh
news and old scandal, strung together with trivial questions and
remarks, and oft-repeated observations, uttered apparently for the
sole purpose of denying a moment's rest to her inexhaustible organs
of speech. She had brought her knitting with her, and it seemed as
if her tongue had laid a wager with her fingers, to outdo them in
swift and ceaseless motion.
Her daughter Jane was, of course, as graceful and elegant, as witty
and seductive, as she could possibly manage to be; for here were
all the ladies to outshine, and all the gentlemen to charm, - and
Mr. Lawrence, especially, to capture and subdue. Her little arts
to effect his subjugation were too subtle and impalpable to attract
my observation; but I thought there was a certain refined
affectation of superiority, and an ungenial self-consciousness
about her, that negatived all her advantages; and after she was
gone, Rose interpreted to me her various looks, words, and actions
with a mingled acuteness and asperity that made me wonder, equally,
at the lady's artifice and my sister's penetration, and ask myself
if she too had an eye to the squire - but never mind, Halford; she
had not.
Richard Wilson, Jane's younger brother, sat in a corner, apparently
good-tempered, but silent and shy, desirous to escape observation,
but willing enough to listen and observe: and, although somewhat
out of his element, he would have been happy enough in his own
quiet way, if my mother could only have let him alone; but in her
mistaken kindness, she would keep persecuting him with her
attentions - pressing upon him all manner of viands, under the
notion that he was too bashful to help himself, and obliging him to
shout across the room his monosyllabic replies to the numerous
questions and observations by which she vainly attempted to draw
him into conversation.
Rose informed me that he never would have favoured us with his
company but for the importunities of his sister Jane, who was most
anxious to show Mr. Lawrence that she had at least one brother more
gentlemanly and refined than Robert. That worthy individual she
had been equally solicitous to keep away; but he affirmed that he
saw no reason why he should not enjoy a crack with Markham and the
old lady (my mother was not old, really), and bonny Miss Rose and
the parson, as well as the best; - and he was in the right of it
too. So he talked common-place with my mother and Rose, and
discussed parish affairs with the vicar, farming matters with me,
and politics with us both.
Mary Millward was another mute, - not so much tormented with cruel
kindness as Dick Wilson, because she had a certain short, decided
way of answering and refusing, and was supposed to be rather sullen
than diffident. However that might be, she certainly did not give
much pleasure to the company; - nor did she appear to derive much
from it. Eliza told me she had only come because her father
insisted upon it, having taken it into his head that she devoted
herself too exclusively to her household duties, to the neglect of
such relaxations and innocent enjoyments as were proper to her age
and sex. She seemed to me to be good-humoured enough on the whole.
Once or twice she was provoked to laughter by the wit or the
merriment of some favoured individual amongst us; and then I
observed she sought the eye of Richard Wilson, who sat over against
her. As he studied with her father, she had some acquaintance with
him, in spite of the retiring habits of both, and I suppose there
was a kind of fellow-feeling established between them.
My Eliza was charming beyond description, coquettish without
affectation, and evidently more desirous to engage my attention
than that of all the room besides. Her delight in having me near
her, seated or standing by her side, whispering in her ear, or
pressing her hand in the dance, was plainly legible in her glowing
face and heaving bosom, however belied by saucy words and gestures.
But I had better hold my tongue: if I boast of these things now, I
shall have to blush hereafter.
To proceed, then, with the various individuals of our party; Rose
was simple and natural as usual, and full of mirth and vivacity.
Fergus was impertinent and absurd; but his impertinence and folly
served to make others laugh, if they did not raise himself in their
estimation.
And finally (for I omit myself), Mr. Lawrence was gentlemanly and
inoffensive to all, and polite to the vicar and the ladies,
especially his hostess and her daughter, and Miss Wilson -
misguided man; he had not the taste to prefer Eliza Millward. Mr.
Lawrence and I were on tolerably intimate terms. Essentially of
reserved habits, and but seldom quitting the secluded place of his
birth, where he had lived in solitary state since the death of his
father, he had neither the opportunity nor the inclination for
forming many acquaintances; and, of all he had ever known, I
(judging by the results) was the companion most agreeable to his
taste. I liked the man well enough, but he was too cold, and shy,
and self-contained, to obtain my cordial sympathies. A spirit of
candour and frankness, when wholly unaccompanied with coarseness,
he admired in others, but he could not acquire it himself. His
excessive reserve upon all his own concerns was, indeed, provoking
and chilly enough; but I forgave it, from a conviction that it
originated less in pride and want of confidence in his friends,
than in a certain morbid feeling of delicacy, and a peculiar
diffidence, that he was sensible of, but wanted energy to overcome.
His heart was like a sensitive plant, that opens for a moment in
the sunshine, but curls up and shrinks into itself at the slightest
touch of the finger, or the lightest breath of wind. And, upon the
whole, our intimacy was rather a mutual predilection than a deep
and solid friendship, such as has since arisen between myself and
you, Halford, whom, in spite of your occasional crustiness, I can
liken to nothing so well as an old coat, unimpeachable in texture,
but easy and loose - that has conformed itself to the shape of the
wearer, and which he may use as he pleases, without being bothered
with the fear of spoiling it; - whereas Mr. Lawrence was like a new
garment, all very neat and trim to look at, but so tight in the
elbows, that you would fear to split the seams by the unrestricted
motion of your arms, and so smooth and fine in surface that you
scruple to expose it to a single drop of rain.
Soon after the arrival of the guests, my mother mentioned Mrs.
Graham, regretted she was not there to meet them, and explained to
the Millwards and Wilsons the reasons she had given for neglecting
to return their calls, hoping they would excuse her, as she was
sure she did not mean to be uncivil, and would be glad to see them
at any time. - 'But she is a very singular lady, Mr. Lawrence,'
added she; 'we don't know what to make of her - but I daresay you
can tell us something about her, for she is your tenant, you know,
- and she said she knew you a little.'
All eyes were turned to Mr. Lawrence. I thought he looked
unnecessarily confused at being so appealed to.
'I, Mrs. Markham!' said he; 'you are mistaken - I don't - that is -
I have seen her, certainly; but I am the last person you should
apply to for information respecting Mrs. Graham.'
He then immediately turned to Rose, and asked her to favour the
company with a song, or a tune on the piano.
'No,' said she, 'you must ask Miss Wilson: she outshines us all in
singing, and music too.'
Miss Wilson demurred.
'She'll sing readily enough,' said Fergus, 'if you'll undertake to
stand by her, Mr. Lawrence, and turn over the leaves for her.'
'I shall be most happy to do so, Miss Wilson; will you allow me?'
She bridled her long neck and smiled, and suffered him to lead her
to the instrument, where she played and sang, in her very best
style, one piece after another; while he stood patiently by,
leaning one hand on the back of her chair, and turning over the
leaves of her book with the other. Perhaps he was as much charmed
with her performance as she was. It was all very fine in its way;
but I cannot say that it moved me very deeply. There was plenty of
skill and execution, but precious little feeling.
But we had not done with Mrs. Graham yet.
'I don't take wine, Mrs. Markham,' said Mr. Millward, upon the
introduction of that beverage; 'I'll take a little of your homebrewed
ale. I always prefer your home-brewed to anything else.'
Flattered at this compliment, my mother rang the bell, and a china
jug of our best ale was presently brought and set before the worthy
gentleman who so well knew how to appreciate its excellences.
'Now THIS is the thing!' cried he, pouring out a glass of the same
in a long stream, skilfully directed from the jug to the tumbler,
so as to produce much foam without spilling a drop; and, having
surveyed it for a moment opposite the candle, he took a deep
draught, and then smacked his lips, drew a long breath, and
refilled his glass, my mother looking on with the greatest
satisfaction.
'There's nothing like this, Mrs. Markham!' said he. 'I always
maintain that there's nothing to compare with your home-brewed
ale.'
'I'm sure I'm glad you like it, sir. I always look after the
brewing myself, as well as the cheese and the butter - I like to
have things well done, while we're about it.'
'Quite right, Mrs. Markham!'
'But then, Mr. Millward, you don't think it wrong to take a little
wine now and then - or a little spirits either!' said my mother, as
she handed a smoking tumbler of gin-and-water to Mrs. Wilson, who
affirmed that wine sat heavy on her stomach, and whose son Robert
was at that moment helping himself to a pretty stiff glass of the
same.
'By no means!' replied the oracle, with a Jove-like nod; 'these
things are all blessings and mercies, if we only knew how to make
use of them.'
'But Mrs. Graham doesn't think so. You shall just hear now what
she told us the other day - I told her I'd tell you.'
And my mother favoured the company with a particular account of
that lady's mistaken ideas and conduct regarding the matter in
hand, concluding with, 'Now, don't you think it is wrong?'
'Wrong!' repeated the vicar, with more than common solemnity -
'criminal, I should say - criminal! Not only is it making a fool
of the boy, but it is despising the gifts of Providence, and
teaching him to trample them under his feet.'
He then entered more fully into the question, and explained at
large the folly and impiety of such a proceeding. My mother heard
him with profoundest reverence; and even Mrs. Wilson vouchsafed to
rest her tongue for a moment, and listen in silence, while she
complacently sipped her gin-and-water. Mr. Lawrence sat with his
elbow on the table, carelessly playing with his half-empty wineglass,
and covertly smiling to himself.
'But don't you think, Mr. Millward,' suggested he, when at length
that gentleman paused in his discourse, 'that when a child may be
naturally prone to intemperance - by the fault of its parents or
ancestors, for instance - some precautions are advisable?' (Now it
was generally believed that Mr. Lawrence's father had shortened his
days by intemperance.)
'Some precautions, it may be; but temperance, sir, is one thing,
and abstinence another.'
'But I have heard that, with some persons, temperance - that is,
moderation - is almost impossible; and if abstinence be an evil
(which some have doubted), no one will deny that excess is a
greater. Some parents have entirely prohibited their children from
tasting intoxicating liquors; but a parent's authority cannot last
for ever; children are naturally prone to hanker after forbidden
things; and a child, in such a case, would be likely to have a
strong curiosity to taste, and try the effect of what has been so
lauded and enjoyed by others, so strictly forbidden to himself -
which curiosity would generally be gratified on the first
convenient opportunity; and the restraint once broken, serious
consequences might ensue. I don't pretend to be a judge of such
matters, but it seems to me, that this plan of Mrs. Graham's, as
you describe it, Mrs. Markham, extraordinary as it may be, is not
without its advantages; for here you see the child is delivered at
once from temptation; he has no secret curiosity, no hankering
desire; he is as well acquainted with the tempting liquors as he
ever wishes to be; and is thoroughly disgusted with them, without
having suffered from their effects.'
'And is that right, sir? Have I not proven to you how wrong it is
- how contrary to Scripture and to reason, to teach a child to look
with contempt and disgust upon the blessings of Providence, instead
of to use them aright?'
'You may consider laudanum a blessing of Providence, sir,' replied
Mr. Lawrence, smiling; 'and yet, you will allow that most of us had
better abstain from it, even in moderation; but,' added he, 'I
would not desire you to follow out my simile too closely - in
witness whereof I finish my glass.'
'And take another, I hope, Mr. Lawrence,' said my mother, pushing
the bottle towards him.
He politely declined, and pushing his chair a little away from the
table, leant back towards me - I was seated a trifle behind, on the
sofa beside Eliza Millward - and carelessly asked me if I knew Mrs.
Graham.
'I have met her once or twice,' I replied.
'What do you think of her?'
'I cannot say that I like her much. She is handsome - or rather I
should say distinguished and interesting - in her appearance, but
by no means amiable - a woman liable to take strong prejudices, I
should fancy, and stick to them through thick and thin, twisting
everything into conformity with her own preconceived opinions - too
hard, too sharp, too bitter for my taste.'
He made no reply, but looked down and bit his lip, and shortly
after rose and sauntered up to Miss Wilson, as much repelled by me,
I fancy, as attracted by her. I scarcely noticed it at the time,
but afterwards I was led to recall this and other trifling facts,
of a similar nature, to my remembrance, when - but I must not
anticipate.
We wound up the evening with dancing - our worthy pastor thinking
it no scandal to be present on the occasion, though one of the
village musicians was engaged to direct our evolutions with his
violin. But Mary Millward obstinately refused to join us; and so
did Richard Wilson, though my mother earnestly entreated him to do
so, and even offered to be his partner.
We managed very well without them, however. With a single set of
quadrilles, and several country dances, we carried it on to a
pretty late hour; and at length, having called upon our musician to
strike up a waltz, I was just about to whirl Eliza round in that
delightful dance, accompanied by Lawrence and Jane Wilson, and
Fergus and Rose, when Mr. Millward interposed with:- 'No, no; I
don't allow that! Come, it's time to be going now.'
'Oh, no, papa!' pleaded Eliza.
'High time, my girl - high time! Moderation in all things,
remember! That's the plan - "Let your moderation be known unto all
men!"'
But in revenge I followed Eliza into the dimly-lighted passage,
where, under pretence of helping her on with her shawl, I fear I
must plead guilty to snatching a kiss behind her father's back,
while he was enveloping his throat and chin in the folds of a
mighty comforter. But alas! in turning round, there was my mother
close beside me. The consequence was, that no sooner were the
guests departed, than I was doomed to a very serious remonstrance,
which unpleasantly checked the galloping course of my spirits, and
made a disagreeable close to the evening.
'My dear Gilbert,' said she, 'I wish you wouldn't do so! You know
how deeply I have your advantage at heart, how I love you and prize
you above everything else in the world, and how much I long to see
you well settled in life - and how bitterly it would grieve me to
see you married to that girl - or any other in the neighbourhood.
What you see in her I don't know. It isn't only the want of money
that I think about - nothing of the kind - but there's neither
beauty, nor cleverness, nor goodness, nor anything else that's
desirable. If you knew your own value, as I do, you wouldn't dream
of it. Do wait awhile and see! If you bind yourself to her,
you'll repent it all your lifetime when you look round and see how
many better there are. Take my word for it, you will.'
'Well, mother, do be quiet! - I hate to be lectured! - I'm not
going to marry yet, I tell you; but - dear me! mayn't I enjoy
myself at all?'
'Yes, my dear boy, but not in that way. Indeed, you shouldn't do
such things. You would be wronging the girl, if she were what she
ought to be; but I assure you she is as artful a little hussy as
anybody need wish to see; and you'll got entangled in her snares
before you know where you are. And if you marry her, Gilbert,
you'll break my heart - so there's an end of it.'
'Well, don't cry about it, mother,' said I, for the tears were
gushing from her eyes; 'there, let that kiss efface the one I gave
Eliza; don't abuse her any more, and set your mind at rest; for
I'll promise never - that is, I'll promise to think twice before I
take any important step you seriously disapprove of.'
So saying, I lighted my candle, and went to bed, considerably
quenched in spirit.
CHAPTER V
It was about the close of the month, that, yielding at length to
the urgent importunities of Rose, I accompanied her in a visit to
Wildfell Hall. To our surprise, we were ushered into a room where
the first object that met the eye was a painter's easel, with a
table beside it covered with rolls of canvas, bottles of oil and
varnish, palette, brushes, paints, &c. Leaning against the wall
were several sketches in various stages of progression, and a few
finished paintings - mostly of landscapes and figures.
'I must make you welcome to my studio,' said Mrs. Graham; 'there is
no fire in the sitting-room to-day, and it is rather too cold to
show you into a place with an empty grate.'
And disengaging a couple of chairs from the artistical lumber that
usurped them, she bid us be seated, and resumed her place beside
the easel - not facing it exactly, but now and then glancing at the
picture upon it while she conversed, and giving it an occasional
touch with her brush, as if she found it impossible to wean her
attention entirely from her occupation to fix it upon her guests.
It was a view of Wildfell Hall, as seen at early morning from the
field below, rising in dark relief against a sky of clear silvery
blue, with a few red streaks on the horizon, faithfully drawn and
coloured, and very elegantly and artistically handled.
'I see your heart is in your work, Mrs. Graham,' observed I: 'I
must beg you to go on with it; for if you suffer our presence to
interrupt you, we shall be constrained to regard ourselves as
unwelcome intruders.'
'Oh, no!' replied she, throwing her brush on to the table, as if
startled into politeness. 'I am not so beset with visitors but
that I can readily spare a few minutes to the few that do favour me
with their company.'
'You have almost completed your painting,' said I, approaching to
observe it more closely, and surveying it with a greater degree of
admiration and delight than I cared to express. 'A few more
touches in the foreground will finish it, I should think. But why
have you called it Fernley Manor, Cumberland, instead of Wildfell
Hall, -shire?' I asked, alluding to the name she had traced in
small characters at the bottom of the canvas.
But immediately I was sensible of having committed an act of
impertinence in so doing; for she coloured and hesitated; but after
a moment's pause, with a kind of desperate frankness, she replied:-
'Because I have friends - acquaintances at least - in the world,
from whom I desire my present abode to be concealed; and as they
might see the picture, and might possibly recognise the style in
spite of the false initials I have put in the corner, I take the
precaution to give a false name to the place also, in order to put
them on a wrong scent, if they should attempt to trace me out by
it.'
'Then you don't intend to keep the picture?' said I, anxious to say
anything to change the subject.
'No; I cannot afford to paint for my own amusement.'
'Mamma sends all her pictures to London,' said Arthur; 'and
somebody sells them for her there, and sends us the money.'
In looking round upon the other pieces, I remarked a pretty sketch
of Linden-hope from the top of the hill; another view of the old
hall basking in the sunny haze of a quiet summer afternoon; and a
simple but striking little picture of a child brooding, with looks
of silent but deep and sorrowful regret, over a handful of withered
flowers, with glimpses of dark low hills and autumnal fields behind
it, and a dull beclouded sky above.
'You see there is a sad dearth of subjects,' observed the fair
artist. 'I took the old hall once on a moonlight night, and I
suppose I must take it again on a snowy winter's day, and then
again on a dark cloudy evening; for I really have nothing else to
paint. I have been told that you have a fine view of the sea
somewhere in the neighbourhood. Is it true? - and is it within
walking distance?'
'Yes, if you don't object to walking four miles - or nearly so -
little short of eight miles, there and back - and over a somewhat
rough, fatiguing road.'
'In what direction does it lie?'
I described the situation as well as I could, and was entering upon
an explanation of the various roads, lanes, and fields to be
traversed in order to reach it, the goings straight on, and
turnings to the right and the left, when she checked me with, -
'Oh, stop! don't tell me now: I shall forget every word of your
directions before I require them. I shall not think about going
till next spring; and then, perhaps, I may trouble you. At present
we have the winter before us, and - '
She suddenly paused, with a suppressed exclamation, started up from
her seat, and saying, 'Excuse me one moment,' hurried from the
room, and shut the door behind her.
Curious to see what had startled her so, I looked towards the
window - for her eyes had been carelessly fixed upon it the moment
before - and just beheld the skirts of a man's coat vanishing
behind a large holly-bush that stood between the window and the
porch.
'It's mamma's friend,' said Arthur.
Rose and I looked at each other.
'I don't know what to make of her at all,' whispered Rose.
The child looked at her in grave surprise. She straightway began
to talk to him on indifferent matters, while I amused myself with
looking at the pictures. There was one in an obscure corner that I
had not before observed. It was a little child, seated on the
grass with its lap full of flowers. The tiny features and large
blue eyes, smiling through a shock of light brown curls, shaken
over the forehead as it bent above its treasure, bore sufficient
resemblance to those of the young gentleman before me to proclaim
it a portrait of Arthur Graham in his early infancy.
In taking this up to bring it to the light, I discovered another
behind it, with its face to the wall. I ventured to take that up
too. It was the portrait of a gentleman in the full prime of
youthful manhood - handsome enough, and not badly executed; but if
done by the same hand as the others, it was evidently some years
before; for there was far more careful minuteness of detail, and
less of that freshness of colouring and freedom of handling that
delighted and surprised me in them. Nevertheless, I surveyed it
with considerable interest. There was a certain individuality in
the features and expression that stamped it, at once, a successful
likeness. The bright blue eyes regarded the spectator with a kind
of lurking drollery - you almost expected to see them wink; the
lips - a little too voluptuously full - seemed ready to break into
a smile; the warmly-tinted cheeks were embellished with a luxuriant
growth of reddish whiskers; while the bright chestnut hair,
clustering in abundant, wavy curls, trespassed too much upon the
forehead, and seemed to intimate that the owner thereof was prouder
of his beauty than his intellect - as, perhaps, he had reason to
be; and yet he looked no fool.
I had not had the portrait in my hands two minutes before the fair
artist returned.
'Only some one come about the pictures,' said she, in apology for
her abrupt departure: 'I told him to wait.'
'I fear it will be considered an act of impertinence,' said 'to
presume to look at a picture that the artist has turned to the
wall; but may I ask -'
'It is an act of very great impertinence, sir; and therefore I beg
you will ask nothing about it, for your curiosity will not be
gratified,' replied she, attempting to cover the tartness of her
rebuke with a smile; but I could see, by her flushed cheek and
kindling eye, that she was seriously annoyed.
'I was only going to ask if you had painted it yourself,' said I,
sulkily resigning the picture into her hands; for without a grain
of ceremony she took it from me; and quickly restoring it to the
dark corner, with its face to the wall, placed the other against it
as before, and then turned to me and laughed.
But I was in no humour for jesting. I carelessly turned to the
window, and stood looking out upon the desolate garden, leaving her
to talk to Rose for a minute or two; and then, telling my sister it
was time to go, shook hands with the little gentleman, coolly bowed
to the lady, and moved towards the door. But, having bid adieu to
Rose, Mrs. Graham presented her hand to me, saying, with a soft
voice, and by no means a disagreeable smile, - 'Let not the sun go
down upon your wrath, Mr. Markham. I'm sorry I offended you by my
abruptness.'
When a lady condescends to apologise, there is no keeping one's
anger, of course; so we parted good friends for once; and this time
I squeezed her hand with a cordial, not a spiteful pressure.
CHAPTER VI
During the next four months I did not enter Mrs. Graham's house,
nor she mine; but still the ladies continued to talk about her, and
still our acquaintance continued, though slowly, to advance. As
for their talk, I paid but little attention to that (when it
related to the fair hermit, I mean), and the only information I
derived from it was, that one fine frosty day she had ventured to
take her little boy as far as the vicarage, and that,
unfortunately, nobody was at home but Miss Millward; nevertheless,
she had sat a long time, and, by all accounts, they had found a
good deal to say to each other, and parted with a mutual desire to
meet again. But Mary liked children, and fond mammas like those
who can duly appreciate their treasures.
But sometimes I saw her myself, not only when she came to church,
but when she was out on the hills with her son, whether taking a
long, purpose-like walk, or - on special fine days - leisurely
rambling over the moor or the bleak pasture-lands, surrounding the
old hall, herself with a book in her hand, her son gambolling about
her; and, on any of these occasions, when I caught sight of her in
my solitary walks or rides, or while following my agricultural
pursuits, I generally contrived to meet or overtake her, for I
rather liked to see Mrs. Graham, and to talk to her, and I
decidedly liked to talk to her little companion, whom, when once
the ice of his shyness was fairly broken, I found to be a very
amiable, intelligent, and entertaining little fellow; and we soon
became excellent friends - how much to the gratification of his
mamma I cannot undertake to say. I suspected at first that she was
desirous of throwing cold water on this growing intimacy - to
quench, as it were, the kindling flame of our friendship - but
discovering, at length, in spite of her prejudice against me, that
I was perfectly harmless, and even well-intentioned, and that,
between myself and my dog, her son derived a great deal of pleasure
from the acquaintance that he would not otherwise have known, she
ceased to object, and even welcomed my coming with a smile.
As for Arthur, he would shout his welcome from afar, and run to
meet me fifty yards from his mother's side. If I happened to be on
horseback he was sure to get a canter or a gallop; or, if there was
one of the draught horses within an available distance, he was
treated to a steady ride upon that, which served his turn almost as
well; but his mother would always follow and trudge beside him -
not so much, I believe, to ensure his safe conduct, as to see that
I instilled no objectionable notions into his infant mind, for she
was ever on the watch, and never would allow him to be taken out of
her sight. What pleased her best of all was to see him romping and
racing with Sancho, while I walked by her side - not, I fear, for
love of my company (though I sometimes deluded myself with that
idea), so much as for the delight she took in seeing her son thus
happily engaged in the enjoyment of those active sports so
invigorating to his tender frame, yet so seldom exercised for want
of playmates suited to his years: and, perhaps, her pleasure was
sweetened not a little by the fact of my being with her instead of
with him, and therefore incapable of doing him any injury directly
or indirectly, designedly or otherwise, small thanks to her for
that same.
But sometimes, I believe, she really had some little gratification
in conversing with me; and one bright February morning, during
twenty minutes' stroll along the moor, she laid aside her usual
asperity and reserve, and fairly entered into conversation with me,
discoursing with so much eloquence and depth of thought and feeling
on a subject happily coinciding with my own ideas, and looking so
beautiful withal, that I went home enchanted; and on the way
(morally) started to find myself thinking that, after all, it
would, perhaps, be better to spend one's days with such a woman
than with Eliza Millward; and then I (figuratively) blushed for my
inconstancy.
On entering the parlour I found Eliza there with Rose, and no one
else. The surprise was not altogether so agreeable as it ought to
have been. We chatted together a long time, but I found her rather
frivolous, and even a little insipid, compared with the more mature
and earnest Mrs. Graham. Alas, for human constancy!
'However,' thought I, 'I ought not to marry Eliza, since my mother
so strongly objects to it, and I ought not to delude the girl with
the idea that I intended to do so. Now, if this mood continue, I
shall have less difficulty in emancipating my affections from her
soft yet unrelenting sway; and, though Mrs. Graham might be equally
objectionable, I may be permitted, like the doctors, to cure a
greater evil by a less, for I shall not fall seriously in love with
the young widow, I think, nor she with me - that's certain - but if
I find a little pleasure in her society I may surely be allowed to
seek it; and if the star of her divinity be bright enough to dim
the lustre of Eliza's, so much the better, but I scarcely can think
it.'
And thereafter I seldom suffered a fine day to pass without paying
a visit to Wildfell about the time my new acquaintance usually left
her hermitage; but so frequently was I baulked in my expectations
of another interview, so changeable was she in her times of coming
forth and in her places of resort, so transient were the occasional
glimpses I was able to obtain, that I felt half inclined to think
she took as much pains to avoid my company as I to seek hers; but
this was too disagreeable a supposition to be entertained a moment
after it could conveniently be dismissed.
One calm, clear afternoon, however, in March, as I was
superintending the rolling of the meadow-land, and the repairing of
a hedge in the valley, I saw Mrs. Graham down by the brook, with a
sketch-book in her hand, absorbed in the exercise of her favourite
art, while Arthur was putting on the time with constructing dams
and breakwaters in the shallow, stony stream. I was rather in want
of amusement, and so rare an opportunity was not to be neglected;
so, leaving both meadow and hedge, I quickly repaired to the spot,
but not before Sancho, who, immediately upon perceiving his young
friend, scoured at full gallop the intervening space, and pounced
upon him with an impetuous mirth that precipitated the child almost
into the middle of the beck; but, happily, the stones preserved him
from any serious wetting, while their smoothness prevented his
being too much hurt to laugh at the untoward event.
Mrs. Graham was studying the distinctive characters of the
different varieties of trees in their winter nakedness, and
copying, with a spirited, though delicate touch, their various
ramifications. She did not talk much, but I stood and watched the
progress of her pencil: it was a pleasure to behold it so
dexterously guided by those fair and graceful fingers. But ere
long their dexterity became impaired, they began to hesitate, to
tremble slightly, and make false strokes, and then suddenly came to
a pause, while their owner laughingly raised her face to mine, and
told me that her sketch did not profit by my superintendence.
'Then,' said I, 'I'll talk to Arthur till you've done.'
'I should like to have a ride, Mr. Markham, if mamma will let me,'
said the child.
'What on, my boy?'
'I think there's a horse in that field,' replied he, pointing to
where the strong black mare was pulling the roller.
'No, no, Arthur; it's too far,' objected his mother.
But I promised to bring him safe back after a turn or two up and
down the meadow; and when she looked at his eager face she smiled
and let him go. It was the first time she had even allowed me to
take him so much as half a field's length from her side.
Enthroned upon his monstrous steed, and solemnly proceeding up and
down the wide, steep field, he looked the very incarnation of
quiet, gleeful satisfaction and delight. The rolling, however, was
soon completed; but when I dismounted the gallant horseman, and
restored him to his mother, she seemed rather displeased at my
keeping him so long. She had shut up her sketch-book, and been,
probably, for some minutes impatiently waiting his return.
It was now high time to go home, she said, and would have bid me
good-evening, but I was not going to leave her yet: I accompanied
her half-way up the hill. She became more sociable, and I was
beginning to be very happy; but, on coming within sight of the grim
old hall, she stood still, and turned towards me while she spoke,
as if expecting I should go no further, that the conversation would
end here, and I should now take leave and depart - as, indeed, it
was time to do, for 'the clear, cold eve' was fast 'declining,' the
sun had set, and the gibbous moon was visibly brightening in the
pale grey sky; but a feeling almost of compassion riveted me to the
spot. It seemed hard to leave her to such a lonely, comfortless
home. I looked up at it. Silent and grim it frowned; before us.
A faint, red light was gleaming from the lower windows of one wing,
but all the other windows were in darkness, and many exhibited
their black, cavernous gulfs, entirely destitute of glazing or
framework.
'Do you not find it a desolate place to live in?' said I, after a
moment of silent contemplation.
'I do, sometimes,' replied she. 'On winter evenings, when Arthur
is in bed, and I am sitting there alone, hearing the bleak wind
moaning round me and howling through the ruinous old chambers, no
books or occupations can represss the dismal thoughts and
apprehensions that come crowding in - but it is folly to give way
to such weakness, I know. If Rachel is satisfied with such a life,
why should not I? - Indeed, I cannot be too thankful for such an
asylum, while it is left me.'
The closing sentence was uttered in an under-tone, as if spoken
rather to herself than to me. She then bid me good-evening and
withdrew.
I had not proceeded many steps on my way homewards when I perceived
Mr. Lawrence, on his pretty grey pony, coming up the rugged lane
that crossed over the hill-top. I went a little out of my way to
speak to him; for we had not met for some time.
'Was that Mrs. Graham you were speaking to just now?' said he,
after the first few words of greeting had passed between us.
'Yes.'
'Humph! I thought so.' He looked contemplatively at his horse's
mane, as if he had some serious cause of dissatisfaction with it,
or something else.
'Well! what then?'
'Oh, nothing!' replied he. 'Only I thought you disliked her,' he
quietly added, curling his classic lip with a slightly sarcastic
smile.
'Suppose I did; mayn't a man change his mind on further
acquaintance?'
'Yes, of course,' returned he, nicely reducing an entanglement in
the pony's redundant hoary mane. Then suddenly turning to me, and
fixing his shy, hazel eyes upon me with a steady penetrating gaze,
he added, 'Then you have changed your mind?'
'I can't say that I have exactly. No; I think I hold the same
opinion respecting her as before - but slightly ameliorated.'
'Oh!' He looked round for something else to talk about; and
glancing up at the moon, made some remark upon the beauty of the
evening, which I did not answer, as being irrelevant to the
subject.
'Lawrence,' said I, calmly looking him in the face, 'are you in
love with Mrs. Graham?'
Instead of his being deeply offended at this, as I more than half
expected he would, the first start of surprise, at the audacious
question, was followed by a tittering laugh, as if he was highly
amused at the idea.
'I in love with her!' repeated he. 'What makes you dream of such a
thing?'
'From the interest you take in the progress of my acquaintance with
the lady, and the changes of my opinion concerning her, I thought
you might be jealous.'
He laughed again. 'Jealous! no. But I thought you were going to
marry Eliza Millward.'
'You thought wrong, then; I am not going to marry either one or the
other - that I know of - '
'Then I think you'd better let them alone.'
'Are you going to marry Jane Wilson?'
He coloured, and played with the mane again, but answered - 'No, I
think not.'
'Then you had better let her alone.'
'She won't let me alone,' he might have said; but he only looked
silly and said nothing for the space of half a minute, and then
made another attempt to turn the conversation; and this time I let
it pass; for he had borne enough: another word on the subject
would have been like the last atom that breaks the camel's. back.
I was too late for tea; but my mother had kindly kept the teapot
and muffin warm upon the hobs, and, though she scolded me a little,
readily admitted my excuses; and when I complained of the flavour
of the overdrawn tea, she poured the remainder into the slop-basin,
and bade Rose put some fresh into the pot, and reboil the kettle,
which offices were performed with great commotion, and certain
remarkable comments.
'Well! - if it had been me now, I should have had no tea at all -
if it had been Fergus, even, he would have to put up with such as
there was, and been told to be thankful, for it was far too good
for him; but you - we can't do too much for you. It's always so -
if there's anything particularly nice at table, mamma winks and
nods at me to abstain from it, and if I don't attend to that, she
whispers, "Don't eat so much of that, Rose; Gilbert will like it
for his supper." - I'm nothing at all. In the parlour, it's "Come,
Rose, put away your things, and let's have the room nice and tidy
against they come in; and keep up a good fire; Gilbert likes a
cheerful fire." In the kitchen - "Make that pie a large one, Rose;
I daresay the boys'll be hungry; and don't put so much pepper in,
they'll not like it, I'm sure" - or, "Rose, don't put so many
spices in the pudding, Gilbert likes it plain," - or, "Mind you put
plenty of currants in the cake, Fergus liked plenty." If I say,
"Well, mamma, I don't," I'm told I ought not to think of myself.
"You know, Rose, in all household matters, we have only two things
to consider, first, what's proper to be done; and, secondly, what's
most agreeable to the gentlemen of the house - anything will do for
the ladies."'
'And very good doctrine too,' said my mother. 'Gilbert thinks so,
I'm sure.'
'Very convenient doctrine, for us, at all events,' said I; 'but if
you would really study my pleasure, mother, you must consider your
own comfort and convenience a little more than you do - as for
Rose, I have no doubt she'll take care of herself; and whenever she
does make a sacrifice or perform a remarkable act of devotedness,
she'll take good care to let me know the extent of it. But for you
I might sink into the grossest condition of self-indulgence and
carelessness about the wants of others, from the mere habit of
being constantly cared for myself, and having all my wants
anticipated or immediately supplied, while left in total ignorance
of what is done for me, - if Rose did not enlighten me now and
then; and I should receive all your kindness as a matter of course,
and never know how much I owe you.'
'Ah! and you never will know, Gilbert, till you're married. Then,
when you've got some trifling, self-conceited girl like Eliza
Millward, careless of everything but her own immediate pleasure and
advantage, or some misguided, obstinate woman, like Mrs. Graham,
ignorant of her principal duties, and clever only in what concerns
her least to know - then you'll find the difference.'
'It will do me good, mother; I was not sent into the world merely
to exercise the good capacities and good feelings of others - was
I? - but to exert my own towards them; and when I marry, I shall
expect to find more pleasure in making my wife happy and
comfortable, than in being made so by her: I would rather give
than receive.'
'Oh! that's all nonsense, my dear. It's mere boy's talk that!
You'll soon tire of petting and humouring your wife, be she ever so
charming, and then comes the trial.'
'Well, then, we must bear one another's burdens.'
'Then you must fall each into your proper place. You'll do your
business, and she, if she's worthy of you, will do hers; but it's
your business to please yourself, and hers to please you. I'm sure
your poor, dear father was as good a husband as ever lived, and
after the first six months or so were over, I should as soon have
expected him to fly, as to put himself out of his way to pleasure
me. He always said I was a good wife, and did my duty; and he
always did his - bless him! - he was steady and punctual, seldom
found fault without a reason, always did justice to my good
dinners, and hardly ever spoiled my cookery by delay - and that's
as much as any woman can expect of any man.'
Is it so, Halford? Is that the extent of your domestic virtues;
and does your happy wife exact no more?
CHAPTER VII
Not many days after this, on a mild sunny morning - rather soft
under foot; for the last fall of snow was only just wasted away,
leaving yet a thin ridge, here and there, lingering on the fresh
green grass beneath the hedges; but beside them already, the young
primroses were peeping from among their moist, dark foliage, and
the lark above was singing of summer, and hope, and love, and every
heavenly thing - I was out on the hill-side, enjoying these
delights, and looking after the well-being of my young lambs and
their mothers, when, on glancing round me, I beheld three persons
ascending from the vale below. They were Eliza Millward, Fergus,
and Rose; so I crossed the field to meet them; and, being told they
were going to Wildfell Hall, I declared myself willing to go with
them, and offering my arm to Eliza, who readily accepted it in lieu
of my brother's, told the latter he might go back, for I would
accompany the ladies.
'I beg your pardon!' exclaimed he. 'It's the ladies that are
accompanying me, not I them. You had all had a peep at this
wonderful stranger but me, and I could endure my wretched ignorance
no longer - come what would, I must be satisfied; so I begged Rose
to go with me to the Hall, and introduce me to her at once. She
swore she would not, unless Miss Eliza would go too; so I ran to
the vicarage and fetched her; and we've come hooked all the way, as
fond as a pair of lovers - and now you've taken her from me; and
you want to deprive me of my walk and my visit besides. Go back to
your fields and your cattle, you lubberly fellow; you're not fit to
associate with ladies and gentlemen like us, that have nothing to
do but to run snooking about to our neighbours' houses, peeping
into their private corners, and scenting out their secrets, and
picking holes in their coats, when we don't find them ready made to
our hands - you don't understand such refined sources of
enjoyment.'
'Can't you both go?' suggested Eliza, disregarding the latter half
of the speech.
'Yes, both, to be sure!' cried Rose; 'the more the merrier - and
I'm sure we shall want all the cheerfulness we can carry with us to
that great, dark, gloomy room, with its narrow latticed windows,
and its dismal old furniture - unless she shows us into her studio
again.'
So we went all in a body; and the meagre old maid-servant, that
opened the door, ushered us into an apartment such as Rose had
described to me as the scene of her first introduction to Mrs.
Graham, a tolerably spacious and lofty room, but obscurely lighted
by the old-fashioned windows, the ceiling, panels, and chimneypiece
of grim black oak - the latter elaborately but not very
tastefully carved, - with tables and chairs to match, an old
bookcase on one side of the fire-place, stocked with a motley
assemblage of books, and an elderly cabinet piano on the other.
The lady was seated in a stiff, high-backed arm-chair, with a small
round table, containing a desk and a work-basket on one side of
her, and her little boy on the other, who stood leaning his elbow
on her knee, and reading to her, with wonderful fluency, from a
small volume that lay in her lap; while she rested her hand on his
shoulder, and abstractedly played with the long, wavy curls that
fell on his ivory neck. They struck me as forming a pleasing
contrast to all the surrounding objects; but of course their
position was immediately changed on our entrance. I could only
observe the picture during the few brief seconds that Rachel held
the door for our admittance.
I do not think Mrs. Graham was particularly delighted to see us:
there was something indescribably chilly in her quiet, calm
civility; but I did not talk much to her. Seating myself near the
window, a little back from the circle, I called Arthur to me, and
he and I and Sancho amused ourselves very pleasantly together,
while the two young ladies baited his mother with small talk, and
Fergus sat opposite with his legs crossed and his hands in his
breeches-pockets, leaning back in his chair, and staring now up at
the ceiling, now straight forward at his hostess (in a manner that
made me strongly inclined to kick him out of the room), now
whistling sotto voce to himself a snatch of a favourite air, now
interrupting the conversation, or filling up a pause (as the case
might be) with some most impertinent question or remark. At one
time it was, - 'It, amazes me, Mrs. Graham, how you could choose
such a dilapidated, rickety old place as this to live in. If you
couldn't afford to occupy the whole house, and have it mended up,
why couldn't you take a neat little cottage?'
'Perhaps I was too proud, Mr. Fergus,' replied she, smiling;
'perhaps I took a particular fancy for this romantic, old-fashioned
place - but, indeed, it has many advantages over a cottage - in the
first place, you see, the rooms are larger and more airy; in the
second place, the unoccupied apartments, which I don't pay for, may
serve as lumber-rooms, if I have anything to put in them; and they
are very useful for my little boy to run about in on rainy days
when he can't go out; and then there is the garden for him to play
in, and for me to work in. You see I have effected some little
improvement already,' continued she, turning to the window. 'There
is a bed of young vegetables in that corner, and here are some
snowdrops and primroses already in bloom - and there, too, is a
yellow crocus just opening in the sunshine.'
'But then how can you bear such a situation - your nearest
neighbours two miles distant, and nobody looking in or passing by?
Rose would go stark mad in such a place. She can't put on life
unless she sees half a dozen fresh gowns and bonnets a day - not to
speak of the faces within; but you might sit watching at these
windows all day long, and never see so much as an old woman
carrying her eggs to market.'
'I am not sure the loneliness of the place was not one of its chief
recommendations. I take no pleasure in watching people pass the
windows; and I like to be quiet.'
'Oh! as good as to say you wish we would all of us mind our own
business, and let you alone.'
'No, I dislike an extensive acquaintance; but if I have a few
friends, of course I am glad to see them occasionally. No one can
be happy in eternal solitude. Therefore, Mr. Fergus, if you choose
to enter my house as a friend, I will make you welcome; if not, I
must confess, I would rather you kept away.' She then turned and
addressed some observation to Rose or Eliza.
'And, Mrs. Graham,' said he again, five minutes after, 'we were
disputing, as we came along, a question that you can readily decide
for us, as it mainly regarded yourself - and, indeed, we often hold
discussions about you; for some of us have nothing better to do
than to talk about our neighbours' concerns, and we, the indigenous
plants of the soil, have known each other so long, and talked each
other over so often, that we are quite sick of that game; so that a
stranger coming amongst us makes an invaluable addition to our
exhausted sources of amusement. Well, the question, or questions,
you are requested to solve - '
'Hold your tongue, Fergus!' cried Rose, in a fever of apprehension
and wrath.
'I won't, I tell you. The questions you are requested to solve are
these:- First, concerning your birth, extraction, and previous
residence. Some will have it that you are a foreigner, and some an
Englishwoman; some a native of the north country, and some of the
south; some say - '
'Well, Mr. Fergus, I'll tell you. I'm an Englishwoman - and I
don't see why any one should doubt it - and I was born in the
country, neither in the extreme north nor south of our happy isle;
and in the country I have chiefly passed my life, and now I hope
you are satisfied; for I am not disposed to answer any more
questions at present.'
'Except this - '
'No, not one more!' laughed she, and, instantly quitting her seat,
she sought refuge at the window by which I was seated, and, in very
desperation, to escape my brother's persecutions, endeavoured to
draw me into conversation.
'Mr. Markham,' said she, her rapid utterance and heightened colour
too plainly evincing her disquietude, 'have you forgotten the fine
sea-view we were speaking of some time ago? I think I must trouble
you, now, to tell me the nearest way to it; for if this beautiful
weather continue, I shall, perhaps, be able to walk there, and take
my sketch; I have exhausted every other subject for painting; and I
long to see it.'
I was about to comply with her request, but Rose would not suffer
me to proceed.
'Oh, don't tell her, Gilbert!' cried she; 'she shall go with us.
It's - Bay you are thinking about, I suppose, Mrs. Graham? It is a
very long walk, too far for you, and out of the question for
Arthur. But we were thinking about making a picnic to see it some
fine day; and, if you will wait till the settled fine weather
comes, I'm sure we shall all be delighted to have you amongst us.'
Poor Mrs. Graham looked dismayed, and attempted to make excuses,
but Rose, either compassionating her lonely life, or anxious to
cultivate her acquaintance, was determined to have her; and every
objection was overruled. She was told it would only be a small
party, and all friends, and that the best view of all was from -
Cliffs, full five miles distant.
'Just a nice walk for the gentlemen,' continued Rose; 'but the
ladies will drive and walk by turns; for we shall have our ponycarriage,
which will be plenty large enough to contain little
Arthur and three ladies, together with your sketching apparatus,
and our provisions.'
So the proposal was finally acceded to; and, after some further
discussion respecting the time and manner of the projected
excursion, we rose, and took our leave.
But this was only March: a cold, wet April, and two weeks of May
passed over before we could venture forth on our expedition with
the reasonable hope of obtaining that pleasure we sought in
pleasant prospects, cheerful society, fresh air, good cheer and
exercise, without the alloy of bad roads, cold winds, or
threatening clouds. Then, on a glorious morning, we gathered our
forces and set forth. The company consisted of Mrs. and Master
Graham, Mary and Eliza Millward, Jane and Richard Wilson, and Rose,
Fergus, and Gilbert Markham.
Mr. Lawrence had been invited to join us, but, for some reason best
known to himself, had refused to give us his company. I had
solicited the favour myself. When I did so, he hesitated, and
asked who were going. Upon my naming Miss Wilson among the rest,
he seemed half inclined to go, but when I mentioned Mrs. Graham,
thinking it might be a further inducement, it appeared to have a
contrary effect, and he declined it altogether, and, to confess the
truth, the decision was not displeasing to me, though I could
scarcely tell you why.
It was about midday when we reached the place of our destination.
Mrs. Graham walked all the way to the cliffs; and little Arthur
walked the greater part of it too; for he was now much more hardy
and active than when he first entered the neighbourhood, and he did
not like being in the carriage with strangers, while all his four
friends, mamma, and Sancho, and Mr. Markham, and Miss Millward,
were on foot, journeying far behind, or passing through distant
fields and lanes.
I have a very pleasant recollection of that walk, along the hard,
white, sunny road, shaded here and there with bright green trees,
and adorned with flowery banks and blossoming hedges of delicious
fragrance; or through pleasant fields and lanes, all glorious in
the sweet flowers and brilliant verdure of delightful May. It was
true, Eliza was not beside me; but she was with her friends in the
pony-carriage, as happy, I trusted, as I was; and even when we
pedestrians, having forsaken the highway for a short cut across the
fields, beheld the little carriage far away, disappearing amid the
green, embowering trees, I did not hate those trees for snatching
the dear little bonnet and shawl from my sight, nor did I feel that
all those intervening objects lay between my happiness and me; for,
to confess the truth, I was too happy in the company of Mrs. Graham
to regret the absence of Eliza, Millward.
The former, it is true, was most provokingly unsociable at first -
seemingly bent upon talking to no one but Mary Millward and Arthur.
She and Mary journeyed along together, generally with the child
between them; - but where the road permitted, I always walked on
the other side of her, Richard Wilson taking the other side of Miss
Millward, and Fergus roving here and there according to his fancy;
and, after a while, she became more friendly, and at length I
succeeded in securing her attention almost entirely to myself - and
then I was happy indeed; for whenever she did condescend to
converse, I liked to listen. Where her opinions and sentiments
tallied with mine, it was her extreme good sense, her exquisite
taste and feeling, that delighted me; where they differed, it was
still her uncompromising boldness in the avowal or defence of that
difference, her earnestness and keenness, that piqued my fancy:
and even when she angered me by her unkind words or looks, and her
uncharitable conclusions respecting me, it only made me the more
dissatisfied with myself for having so unfavourably impressed her,
and the more desirous to vindicate my character and disposition in
her eyes, and, if possible, to win her esteem.
At length our walk was ended. The increasing height and boldness
of the hills had for some time intercepted the prospect; but, on
gaining the summit of a steep acclivity, and looking downward, an
opening lay before us - and the blue sea burst upon our sight! -
deep violet blue - not deadly calm, but covered with glinting
breakers - diminutive white specks twinkling on its bosom, and
scarcely to be distinguished, by the keenest vision, from the
little seamews that sported above, their white wings glittering in
the sunshine: only one or two vessels were visible, and those were
far away.
I looked at my companion to see what she thought of this glorious
scene. She said nothing: but she stood still, and fixed her eyes
upon it with a gaze that assured me she was not disappointed. She
had very fine eyes, by-the-by - I don't know whether I have told
you before, but they were full of soul, large, clear, and nearly
black - not brown, but very dark grey. A cool, reviving breeze
blew from the sea - soft, pure, salubrious: it waved her drooping
ringlets, and imparted a livelier colour to her usually too pallid
lip and cheek. She felt its exhilarating influence, and so did I -
I felt it tingling through my frame, but dared not give way to it
while she remained so quiet. There was an aspect of subdued
exhilaration in her face, that kindled into almost a smile of
exalted, glad intelligence as her eye met mine. Never had she
looked so lovely: never had my heart so warmly cleaved to her as
now. Had we been left two minutes longer standing there alone, I
cannot answer for the consequences. Happily for my discretion,
perhaps for my enjoyment during the remainder of the day, we were
speedily summoned to the repast - a very respectable collation,
which Rose, assisted by Miss Wilson and Eliza, who, having shared
her seat in the carriage, had arrived with her a little before the
rest, had set out upon an elevated platform overlooking the sea,
and sheltered from the hot sun by a shelving rock and overhanging
trees.
Mrs. Graham seated herself at a distance from me. Eliza was my
nearest neighbour. She exerted herself to be agreeable, in her
gentle, unobtrusive way, and was, no doubt, as fascinating and
charming as ever, if I could only have felt it. But soon my heart
began to warm towards her once again; and we were all very merry
and happy together - as far as I could see - throughout the
protracted social meal.
When that was over, Rose summoned Fergus to help her to gather up
the fragments, and the knives, dishes, &c., and restore them to the
baskets; and Mrs. Graham took her camp-stool and drawing materials;
and having begged Miss Millward to take charge of her precious son,
and strictly enjoined him not to wander from his new guardian's
side, she left us and proceeded along the steep, stony hill, to a
loftier, more precipitous eminence at some distance, whence a still
finer prospect was to be had, where she preferred taking her
sketch, though some of the ladies told her it was a frightful
place, and advised her not to attempt it.
When she was gone, I felt as if there was to be no more fun -
though it is difficult to say what she had contributed to the
hilarity of the party. No jests, and little laughter, had escaped
her lips; but her smile had animated my mirth; a keen observation
or a cheerful word from her had insensibly sharpened my wits, and
thrown an interest over all that was done and said by the rest.
Even my conversation with Eliza had been enlivened by her presence,
though I knew it not; and now that she was gone, Eliza's playful
nonsense ceased to amuse me - nay, grew wearisome to my soul, and I
grew weary of amusing her: I felt myself drawn by an irresistible
attraction to that distant point where the fair artist sat and
plied her solitary task - and not long did I attempt to resist it:
while my little neighbour was exchanging a few words with Miss
Wilson, I rose and cannily slipped away. A few rapid strides, and
a little active clambering, soon brought me to the place where she
was seated - a narrow ledge of rock at the very verge of the cliff,
which descended with a steep, precipitous slant, quite down to the
rocky shore.
She did not hear me coming: the falling of my shadow across her
paper gave her an electric start; and she looked hastily round -
any other lady of my acquaintance would have screamed under such a
sudden alarm.
'Oh! I didn't know it was you. - Why did you startle me so?' said
she, somewhat testily. 'I hate anybody to come upon me so
unexpectedly.'
'Why, what did you take me for?' said I: 'if I had known you were
so nervous, I would have been more cautious; but - '
'Well, never mind. What did you come for? are they all coming?'
'No; this little ledge could scarcely contain them all.'
'I'm glad, for I'm tired of talking.'
'Well, then, I won't talk. I'll only sit and watch your drawing.'
'Oh, but you know I don't like that.'
'Then I'll content myself with admiring this magnificent prospect.'
She made no objection to this; and, for some time, sketched away in
silence. But I could not help stealing a glance, now and then,
from the splendid view at our feet to the elegant white hand that
held the pencil, and the graceful neck and glossy raven curls that
drooped over the paper.
'Now,' thought I, 'if I had but a pencil and a morsel of paper, I
could make a lovelier sketch than hers, admitting I had the power
to delineate faithfully what is before me.'
But, though this satisfaction was denied me, I was very well
content to sit beside her there, and say nothing.
'Are you there still, Mr. Markham?' said she at length, looking
round upon me - for I was seated a little behind on a mossy
projection of the cliff. - 'Why don't you go and amuse yourself
with your friends?'
'Because I am tired of them, like you; and I shall have enough of
them to-morrow - or at any time hence; but you I may not have the
pleasure of seeing again for I know not how long.'
'What was Arthur doing when you came away?'
'He was with Miss Millward, where you left him - all right, but
hoping mamma would not be long away. You didn't intrust him to me,
by-the-by,' I grumbled, 'though I had the honour of a much longer
acquaintance; but Miss Millward has the art of conciliating and
amusing children,' I carelessly added, 'if she is good for nothing
else.'
'Miss Millward has many estimable qualities, which such as you
cannot be expected to perceive or appreciate. Will you tell Arthur
that I shall come in a few minutes?'
'If that be the case, I will wait, with your permission, till those
few minutes are past; and then I can assist you to descend this
difficult path.'
'Thank you - I always manage best, on such occasions, without
assistance.'
'But, at least, I can carry your stool and sketch-book.'
She did not deny me this favour; but I was rather offended at her
evident desire to be rid of me, and was beginning to repent of my
pertinacity, when she somewhat appeased me by consulting my taste
and judgment about some doubtful matter in her drawing. My
opinion, happily, met her approbation, and the improvement I
suggested was adopted without hesitation.
'I have often wished in vain,' said she, 'for another's judgment to
appeal to when I could scarcely trust the direction of my own eye
and head, they having been so long occupied with the contemplation
of a single object as to become almost incapable of forming a
proper idea respecting it.'
'That,' replied I, 'is only one of many evils to which a solitary
life exposes us.'
'True,' said she; and again we relapsed into silence.
About two minutes after, however, she declared her sketch
completed, and closed the book.
On returning to the scene of our repast we found all the company
had deserted it, with the exception of three - Mary Millward,
Richard Wilson, and Arthur Graham. The younger gentleman lay fast
asleep with his head pillowed on the lady's lap; the other was
seated beside her with a pocket edition of some classic author in
his hand. He never went anywhere without such a companion
wherewith to improve his leisure moments: all time seemed lost
that was not devoted to study, or exacted, by his physical nature,
for the bare support of life. Even now he could not abandon
himself to the enjoyment of that pure air and balmy sunshine - that
splendid prospect, and those soothing sounds, the music of the
waves and of the soft wind in the sheltering trees above him - not
even with a lady by his side (though not a very charming one, I
will allow) - he must pull out his book, and make the most of his
time while digesting his temperate meal, and reposing his weary
limbs, unused to so much exercise.
Perhaps, however, he spared a moment to exchange a word or a glance
with his companion now and then - at any rate, she did not appear
at all resentful of his conduct; for her homely features wore an
expression of unusual cheerfulness and serenity, and she was
studying his pale, thoughtful face with great complacency when we
arrived.
The journey homeward was by no means so agreeable to me as the
former part of the day: for now Mrs. Graham was in the carriage,
and Eliza Millward was the companion of my walk. She had observed
my preference for the young widow, and evidently felt herself
neglected. She did not manifest her chagrin by keen reproaches,
bitter sarcasms, or pouting sullen silence - any or all of these I
could easily have endured, or lightly laughed away; but she showed
it by a kind of gentle melancholy, a mild, reproachful sadness that
cut me to the heart. I tried to cheer her up, and apparently
succeeded in some degree, before the walk was over; but in the very
act my conscience reproved me, knowing, as I did, that, sooner or
later, the tie must be broken, and this was only nourishing false
hopes and putting off the evil day.
When the pony-carriage had approached as near Wildfell Hall as the
road would permit - unless, indeed, it proceeded up the long rough
lane, which Mrs. Graham would not allow - the young widow and her
son alighted, relinquishing the driver's seat to Rose; and I
persuaded Eliza to take the latter's place. Having put her
comfortably in, bid her take care of the evening air, and wished
her a kind good-night, I felt considerably relieved, and hastened
to offer my services to Mrs. Graham to carry her apparatus up the
fields, but she had already hung her camp-stool on her arm and
taken her sketch-book in her hand, and insisted upon bidding me
adieu then and there, with the rest of the company. But this time
she declined my proffered aid in so kind and friendly a manner that
I almost forgave her.
CHAPTER VIII
Six weeks had passed away. It was a splendid morning about the
close of June. Most of the hay was cut, but the last week had been
very unfavourable; and now that fine weather was come at last,
being determined to make the most of it, I had gathered all hands
together into the hay-field, and was working away myself, in the
midst of them, in my shirt-sleeves, with a light, shady straw hat
on my head, catching up armfuls of moist, reeking grass, and
shaking it out to the four winds of heaven, at the head of a goodly
file of servants and hirelings - intending so to labour, from
morning till night, with as much zeal and assiduity as I could look
for from any of them, as well to prosper the work by my own
exertion as to animate the workers by my example - when lo! my
resolutions were overthrown in a moment, by the simple fact of my
brother's running up to me and putting into my hand a small parcel,
just arrived from London, which I had been for some time expecting.
I tore off the cover, and disclosed an elegant and portable edition
of 'Marmion.'
'I guess I know who that's for,' said Fergus, who stood looking on
while I complacently examined the volume. 'That's for Miss Eliza,
now.'
He pronounced this with a tone and look so prodigiously knowing,
that I was glad to contradict him.
'You're wrong, my lad,' said I; and, taking up my coat, I deposited
the book in one of its pockets, and then put it on (i.e. the coat).
'Now come here, you idle dog, and make yourself useful for once,' I
continued. 'Pull off your coat, and take my place in the field
till I come back.'
'Till you come back? - and where are you going, pray?
'No matter where - the when is all that concerns you; - and I shall
be back by dinner, at least.'
'Oh - oh! and I'm to labour away till then, am I? - and to keep all
these fellows hard at it besides? Well, well! I'll submit - for
once in a way. - Come, my lads, you must look sharp: I'm come to
help you now:- and woe be to that man, or woman either, that pauses
for a moment amongst you - whether to stare about him, to scratch
his head, or blow his nose - no pretext will serve - nothing but
work, work, work in the sweat of your face,' &c., &c.
Leaving him thus haranguing the people, more to their amusement
than edification, I returned to the house, and, having made some
alteration in my toilet, hastened away to Wildfell Hall, with the
book in my pocket; for it was destined for the shelves of Mrs.
Graham.
'What! then had she and you got on so well together as to come to
the giving and receiving of presents?' - Not precisely, old buck;
this was my first experiment in that line; and I was very anxious
to see the result of it.
We had met several times since the - Bay excursion, and I had found
she was not averse to my company, provided I confined my
conversation to the discussion of abstract matters, or topics of
common interest; - the moment I touched upon the sentimental or the
complimentary, or made the slightest approach to tenderness in word
or look, I was not only punished by an immediate change in her
manner at the time, but doomed to find her more cold and distant,
if not entirely inaccessible, when next I sought her company. This
circumstance did not greatly disconcert me, however, because I
attributed it, not so much to any dislike of my person, as to some
absolute resolution against a second marriage formed prior to the
time of our acquaintance, whether from excess of affection for her
late husband, or because she had had enough of him and the
matrimonial state together. At first, indeed, she had seemed to
take a pleasure in mortifying my vanity and crushing my presumption
- relentlessly nipping off bud by bud as they ventured to appear;
and then, I confess, I was deeply wounded, though, at the same
time, stimulated to seek revenge; - but latterly finding, beyond a
doubt, that I was not that empty-headed coxcomb she had first
supposed me, she had repulsed my modest advances in quite a
different spirit. It was a kind of serious, almost sorrowful
displeasure, which I soon learnt carefully to avoid awakening.
'Let me first establish my position as a friend,' thought I - 'the
patron and playfellow of her son, the sober, solid, plain-dealing
friend of herself, and then, when I have made myself fairly
necessary to her comfort and enjoyment in life (as I believe I
can), we'll see what next may be effected.'
So we talked about painting, poetry, and music, theology, geology,
and philosophy: once or twice I lent her a book, and once she lent
me one in return: I met her in her walks as often as I could; I
came to her house as often as I dared. My first pretext for
invading the sanctum was to bring Arthur a little waddling puppy of
which Sancho was the father, and which delighted the child beyond
expression, and, consequently, could not fail to please his mamma.
My second was to bring him a book, which, knowing his mother's
particularity, I had carefully selected, and which I submitted for
her approbation before presenting it to him. Then, I brought her
some plants for her garden, in my sister's name - having previously
persuaded Rose to send them. Each of these times I inquired after
the picture she was painting from the sketch taken on the cliff,
and was admitted into the studio, and asked my opinion or advice
respecting its progress.
My last visit had been to return the book she had lent me; and then
it was that, in casually discussing the poetry of Sir Walter Scott,
she had expressed a wish to see 'Marmion,' and I had conceived the
presumptuous idea of making her a present of it, and, on my return
home, instantly sent for the smart little volume I had this morning
received. But an apology for invading the hermitage was still
necessary; so I had furnished myself with a blue morocco collar for
Arthur's little dog; and that being given and received, with much
more joy and gratitude, on the part of the receiver, than the worth
of the gift or the selfish motive of the giver deserved, I ventured
to ask Mrs. Graham for one more look at the picture, if it was
still there.
'Oh, yes! come in,' said she (for I had met them in the garden).
'It is finished and framed, all ready for sending away; but give me
your last opinion, and if you can suggest any further improvement,
it shall be - duly considered, at least.'
The picture was strikingly beautiful; it was the very scene itself,
transferred as if by magic to the canvas; but I expressed my
approbation in guarded terms, and few words, for fear of
displeasing her. She, however, attentively watched my looks, and
her artist's pride was gratified, no doubt, to read my heartfelt
admiration in my eyes. But, while I gazed, I thought upon the
book, and wondered how it was to be presented. My heart failed me;
but I determined not to be such a fool as to come away without
having made the attempt. It was useless waiting for an
opportunity, and useless trying to concoct a speech for the
occasion. The more plainly and naturally the thing was done, the
better, I thought; so I just looked out of the window to screw up
my courage, and then pulled out the book, turned round, and put it
into her hand, with this short explanation:
'You were wishing to see 'Marmion,' Mrs. Graham; and here it is, if
you will be so kind as to take it.'
A momentary blush suffused her face - perhaps, a blush of
sympathetic shame for such an awkward style of presentation: she
gravely examined the volume on both sides; then silently turned
over the leaves, knitting her brows the while, in serious
cogitation; then closed the book, and turning from it to me,
quietly asked the price of it - I felt the hot blood rush to my
face.
'I'm sorry to offend you, Mr. Markham,' said she, 'but unless I pay
for the book, I cannot take it.' And she laid it on the table.
'Why cannot you?'
'Because,' - she paused, and looked at the carpet.
'Why cannot you?' I repeated, with a degree of irascibility that
roused her to lift her eyes and look me steadily in the face.
'Because I don't like to put myself under obligations that I can
never repay - I am obliged to you already for your kindness to my
son; but his grateful affection and your own good feelings must
reward you for that.'
'Nonsense!' ejaculated I.
She turned her eyes on me again, with a look of quiet, grave
surprise, that had the effect of a rebuke, whether intended for
such or not.
'Then you won't take the book?' I asked, more mildly than I had yet
spoken.
'I will gladly take it, if you will let me pay for it.' I told her
the exact price, and the cost of the carriage besides, in as calm a
tone as I could command - for, in fact, I was ready to weep with
disappointment and vexation.
She produced her purse, and coolly counted out the money, but
hesitated to put it into my hand. Attentively regarding me, in a
tone of soothing softness, she observed, - 'You think yourself
insulted, Mr Markham - I wish I could make you understand that -
that I - '
'I do understand you, perfectly,' I said. 'You think that if you
were to accept that trifle from me now, I should presume upon it
hereafter; but you are mistaken:- if you will only oblige me by
taking it, believe me, I shall build no hopes upon it, and consider
this no precedent for future favours:- and it is nonsense to talk
about putting yourself under obligations to me when you must know
that in such a case the obligation is entirely on my side, - the
favour on yours.'
'Well, then, I'll take you at your word,' she answered, with a most
angelic smile, returning the odious money to her purse - 'but
remember!'
'I will remember - what I have said; - but do not you punish my
presumption by withdrawing your friendship entirely from me, - or
expect me to atone for it by being more distant than before,' said
I, extending my hand to take leave, for I was too much excited to
remain.
'Well, then! let us be as we were,' replied she, frankly placing
her hand in mine; and while I held it there, I had much difficulty
to refrain from pressing it to my lips; - but that would be
suicidal madness: I had been bold enough already, and this
premature offering had well-nigh given the death-blow to my hopes.
It was with an agitated, burning heart and brain that I hurried
homewards, regardless of that scorching noonday sun - forgetful of
everything but her I had just left - regretting nothing but her
impenetrability, and my own precipitancy and want of tact - fearing
nothing but her hateful resolution, and my inability to overcome it
- hoping nothing - but halt, - I will not bore you with my
conflicting hopes and fears - my serious cogitations and resolves.
CHAPTER IX
Though my affections might now be said to be fairly weaned from
Eliza Millward, I did not yet entirely relinquish my visits to the
vicarage, because I wanted, as it were, to let her down easy;
without raising much sorrow, or incurring much resentment, - or
making myself the talk of the parish; and besides, if I had wholly
kept away, the vicar, who looked upon my visits as paid chiefly, if
not entirely, to himself, would have felt himself decidedly
affronted by the neglect. But when I called there the day after my
interview with Mrs. Graham, he happened to be from home - a
circumstance by no means so agreeable to me now as it had been on
former occasions. Miss Millward was there, it is true, but she, of
course, would be little better than a nonentity. However, I
resolved to make my visit a short one, and to talk to Eliza in a
brotherly, friendly sort of way, such as our long acquaintance
might warrant me in assuming, and which, I thought, could neither
give offence nor serve to encourage false hopes.
It was never my custom to talk about Mrs. Graham either to her or
any one else; but I had not been seated three minutes before she
brought that lady on to the carpet herself in a rather remarkable
manner.
'Oh, Mr. Markham!' said she, with a shocked expression and voice
subdued almost to a whisper, 'what do you think of these shocking
reports about Mrs. Graham? - can you encourage us to disbelieve
them?'
'What reports?'
'Ah, now! you know!' she slily smiled and shook her head.
'I know nothing about them. What in the world do you mean, Eliza?'
'Oh, don't ask me! I can't explain it.' She took up the cambric
handkerchief which she had been beautifying with a deep lace
border, and began to be very busy.
'What is it, Miss Millward? what does she mean?' said I, appealing
to her sister, who seemed to be absorbed in the hemming of a large,
coarse sheet.
'I don't know,' replied she. 'Some idle slander somebody has been
inventing, I suppose. I never heard it till Eliza told me the
other day, - but if all the parish dinned it in my ears, I
shouldn't believe a word of it - I know Mrs. Graham too well!'
'Quite right, Miss Millward! - and so do I - whatever it may be.'
'Well,' observed Eliza, with a gentle sigh, 'it's well to have such
a comfortable assurance regarding the worth of those we love. I
only wish you may not find your confidence misplaced.'
And she raised her face, and gave me such a look of sorrowful
tenderness as might have melted my heart, but within those eyes
there lurked a something that I did not like; and I wondered how I
ever could have admired them - her sister's honest face and small
grey optics appeared far more agreeable. But I was out of temper
with Eliza at that moment for her insinuations against Mrs. Graham,
which were false, I was certain, whether she knew it or not.
I said nothing more on the subject, however, at the time, and but
little on any other; for, finding I could not well recover my
equanimity, I presently rose and took leave, excusing myself under
the plea of business at the farm; and to the farm I went, not
troubling my mind one whit about the possible truth of these
mysterious reports, but only wondering what they were, by whom
originated, and on what foundations raised, and how they could the
most effectually be silenced or disproved.
A few days after this we had another of our quiet little parties,
to which the usual company of friends and neighbours had been
invited, and Mrs. Graham among the number. She could not now
absent herself under the plea of dark evenings or inclement
weather, and, greatly to my relief, she came. Without her I should
have found the whole affair an intolerable bore; but the moment of
her arrival brought new life to the house, and though I might not
neglect the other guests for her, or expect to engross much of her
attention and conversation to myself alone, I anticipated an
evening of no common enjoyment.
Mr. Lawrence came too. He did not arrive till some time after the
rest were assembled. I was curious to see how he would comport
himself to Mrs. Graham. A slight bow was all that passed between
them on his entrance; and having politely greeted the other members
of the company, he seated himself quite aloof from the young widow,
between my mother and Rose.
'Did you ever see such art?' whispered Eliza, who was my nearest
neighbour. 'Would you not say they were perfect strangers?'
'Almost; but what then?'
'What then; why, you can't pretend to be ignorant?'
'Ignorant of what?' demanded I, so sharply that she started and
replied, -
'Oh, hush! don't speak so loud.'
'Well, tell me then,' I answered in a lower tone, 'what is it you
mean? I hate enigmas.'
'Well, you know, I don't vouch for the truth of it - indeed, far
from it - but haven't you heard -?'
'I've heard nothing, except from you.'
'You must be wilfully deaf then, for anyone will tell you that; but
I shall only anger you by repeating it, I see, so I had better hold
my tongue.'
She closed her lips and folded her hands before her, with an air of
injured meekness.
'If you had wished not to anger me, you should have held your
tongue from the beginning, or else spoken out plainly and honestly
all you had to say.'
She turned aside her face, pulled out her handkerchief, rose, and
went to the window, where she stood for some time, evidently
dissolved in tears. I was astounded, provoked, ashamed - not so
much of my harshness as for her childish weakness. However, no one
seemed to notice her, and shortly after we were summoned to the
tea-table: in those parts it was customary to sit to the table at
tea-time on all occasions, and make a meal of it, for we dined
early. On taking my seat, I had Rose on one side of me and an
empty chair on the other.
'May I sit by you?' said a soft voice at my elbow.
'If you like,' was the reply; and Eliza slipped into the vacant
chair; then, looking up in my face with a half-sad, half-playful
smile, she whispered, - 'You're so stern, Gilbert.'
I handed down her tea with a slightly contemptuous smile, and said
nothing, for I had nothing to say.
'What have I done to offend you?' said she, more plaintively. 'I
wish I knew.'
'Come, take your tea, Eliza, and don't be foolish,' responded I,
handing her the sugar and cream.
Just then there arose a slight commotion on the other side of me,
occasioned by Miss Wilson's coming to negotiate an exchange of
seats with Rose.
'Will you be so good as to exchange places with me, Miss Markham?'
said she; 'for I don't like to sit by Mrs. Graham. If your mamma
thinks proper to invite such persons to her house, she cannot
object to her daughter's keeping company with them.'
This latter clause was added in a sort of soliloquy when Rose was
gone; but I was not polite enough to let it pass.
'Will you be so good as to tell me what you mean, Miss Wilson?'
said I.
The question startled her a little, but not much.
'Why, Mr. Markham,' replied she, coolly, having quickly recovered
her self-possession, 'it surprises me rather that Mrs. Markham
should invite such a person as Mrs. Graham to her house; but,
perhaps, she is not aware that the lady's character is considered
scarcely respectable.'
'She is not, nor am I; and therefore you would oblige me by
explaining your meaning a little further.'
'This is scarcely the time or the place for such explanations; but
I think you can hardly be so ignorant as you pretend - you must
know her as well as I do.'
'I think I do, perhaps a little better; and therefore, if you will
inform me what you have heard or imagined against her, I shall,
perhaps, be able to set you right.'
'Can you tell me, then, who was her husband, or if she ever had
any?'
Indignation kept me silent. At such a time and place I could not
trust myself to answer.
'Have you never observed,' said Eliza, 'what a striking likeness
there is between that child of hers and - '
'And whom?' demanded Miss Wilson, with an air of cold, but keen
severity.
Eliza was startled; the timidly spoken suggestion had been intended
for my ear alone.
'Oh, I beg your pardon!' pleaded she; 'I may be mistaken - perhaps
I was mistaken.' But she accompanied the words with a sly glance
of derision directed to me from the corner of her disingenuous eye.
'There's no need to ask my pardon,' replied her friend, 'but I see
no one here that at all resembles that child, except his mother,
and when you hear ill-natured reports, Miss Eliza, I will thank
you, that is, I think you will do well, to refrain from repeating
them. I presume the person you allude to is Mr. Lawrence; but I
think I can assure you that your suspicions, in that respect, are
utterly misplaced; and if he has any particular connection with the
lady at all (which no one has a right to assert), at least he has
(what cannot be said of some others) sufficient sense of propriety
to withhold him from acknowledging anything more than a bowing
acquaintance in the presence of respectable persons; he was
evidently both surprised and annoyed to find her here.'
'Go it!' cried Fergus, who sat on the other side of Eliza, and was
the only individual who shared that side of the table with us. 'Go
it like bricks! mind you don't leave her one stone upon another.'
Miss Wilson drew herself up with a look of freezing scorn, but said
nothing. Eliza would have replied, but I interrupted her by saying
as calmly as I could, though in a tone which betrayed, no doubt,
some little of what I felt within, - 'We have had enough of this
subject; if we can only speak to slander our betters, let us hold
our tongues.'
'I think you'd better,' observed Fergus, 'and so does our good
parson; he has been addressing the company in his richest vein all
the while, and eyeing you, from time to time, with looks of stern
distaste, while you sat there, irreverently whispering and
muttering together; and once he paused in the middle of a story or
a sermon, I don't know which, and fixed his eyes upon you, Gilbert,
as much as to say, "When Mr. Markham has done flirting with those
two ladies I will proceed."'
What more was said at the tea-table I cannot tell, nor how I found
patience to sit till the meal was over. I remember, however, that
I swallowed with difficulty the remainder of the tea that was in my
cup, and ate nothing; and that the first thing I did was to stare
at Arthur Graham, who sat beside his mother on the opposite side of
the table, and the second to stare at Mr. Lawrence, who sat below;
and, first, it struck me that there was a likeness; but, on further
contemplation, I concluded it was only in imagination.
Both, it is true, had more delicate features and smaller bones than
commonly fall to the lot of individuals of the rougher sex, and
Lawrence's complexion was pale and clear, and Arthur's delicately
fair; but Arthur's tiny, somewhat snubby nose could never become so
long and straight as Mr. Lawrence's; and the outline of his face,
though not full enough to be round, and too finely converging to
the small, dimpled chin to be square, could never be drawn out to
the long oval of the other's, while the child's hair was evidently
of a lighter, warmer tint than the elder gentleman's had ever been,
and his large, clear blue eyes, though prematurely serious at
times, were utterly dissimilar to the shy hazel eyes of Mr.
Lawrence, whence the sensitive soul looked so distrustfully forth,
as ever ready to retire within, from the offences of a too rude,
too uncongenial world. Wretch that I was to harbour that
detestable idea for a moment! Did I not know Mrs. Graham? Had I
not seen her, conversed with her time after time? Was I not
certain that she, in intellect, in purity and elevation of soul,
was immeasurably superior to any of her detractors; that she was,
in fact, the noblest, the most adorable, of her sex I had ever
beheld, or even imagined to exist? Yes, and I would say with Mary
Millward (sensible girl as she was), that if all the parish, ay, or
all the world, should din these horrible lies in my ears, I would
not believe them, for I knew her better than they.
Meantime, my brain was on fire with indignation, and my heart
seemed ready to burst from its prison with conflicting passions. I
regarded my two fair neighbours with a feeling of abhorrence and
loathing I scarcely endeavoured to conceal. I was rallied from
several quarters for my abstraction and ungallant neglect of the
ladies; but I cared little for that: all I cared about, besides
that one grand subject of my thoughts, was to see the cups travel
up to the tea-tray, and not come down again. I thought Mr.
Millward never would cease telling us that he was no tea-drinker,
and that it was highly injurious to keep loading the stomach with
slops to the exclusion of more wholesome sustenance, and so give
himself time to finish his fourth cup.
At length it was over; and I rose and left the table and the guests
without a word of apology - I could endure their company no longer.
I rushed out to cool my brain in the balmy evening air, and to
compose my mind or indulge my passionate thoughts in the solitude
of the garden.
To avoid being seen from the windows I went down a quiet little
avenue that skirted one side of the inclosure, at the bottom of
which was a seat embowered in roses and honeysuckles. Here I sat
down to think over the virtues and wrongs of the lady of Wildfell
Hall; but I had not been so occupied two minutes, before voices and
laughter, and glimpses of moving objects through the trees,
informed me that the whole company had turned out to take an airing
in the garden too. However, I nestled up in a corner of the bower,
and hoped to retain possession of it, secure alike from observation
and intrusion. But no - confound it - there was some one coming
down the avenue! Why couldn't they enjoy the flowers and sunshine
of the open garden, and leave that sunless nook to me, and the
gnats and midges?
But, peeping through my fragrant screen of the interwoven branches
to discover who the intruders were (for a murmur of voices told me
it was more than one), my vexation instantly subsided, and far
other feelings agitated my still unquiet soul; for there was Mrs.
Graham, slowly moving down the walk with Arthur by her side, and no
one else. Why were they alone? Had the poison of detracting
tongues already spread through all; and had they all turned their
backs upon her? I now recollected having seen Mrs. Wilson, in the
early part of the evening, edging her chair close up to my mother,
and bending forward, evidently in the delivery of some important
confidential intelligence; and from the incessant wagging of her
head, the frequent distortions of her wrinkled physiognomy, and the
winking and malicious twinkle of her little ugly eyes, I judged it
was some spicy piece of scandal that engaged her powers; and from
the cautious privacy of the communication I supposed some person
then present was the luckless object of her calumnies: and from
all these tokens, together with my mother's looks and gestures of
mingled horror and incredulity, I now concluded that object to have
been Mrs. Graham. I did not emerge from my place of concealment
till she had nearly reached the bottom of the walk, lest my
appearance should drive her away; and when I did step forward she
stood still and seemed inclined to turn back as it was.
'Oh, don't let us disturb you, Mr. Markham!' said she. 'We came
here to seek retirement ourselves, not to intrude on your
seclusion.'
'I am no hermit, Mrs. Graham - though I own it looks rather like it
to absent myself in this uncourteous fashion from my guests.'
'I feared you were unwell,' said she, with a look of real concern.
'I was rather, but it's over now. Do sit here a little and rest,
and tell me how you like this arbour,' said I, and, lifting Arthur
by the shoulders, I planted him in the middle of the seat by way of
securing his mamma, who, acknowledging it to be a tempting place of
refuge, threw herself back in one corner, while I took possession
of the other.
But that word refuge disturbed me. Had their unkindness then
really driven her to seek for peace in solitude?
'Why have they left you alone?' I asked.
'It is I who have left them,' was the smiling rejoinder. 'I was
wearied to death with small talk - nothing wears me out like that.
I cannot imagine how they can go on as they do.'
I could not help smiling at the serious depth of her wonderment.
'Is it that they think it a duty to be continually talking,'
pursued she: 'and so never pause to think, but fill up with
aimless trifles and vain repetitions when subjects of real interest
fail to present themselves, or do they really take a pleasure in
such discourse?'
'Very likely they do,' said I; 'their shallow minds can hold no
great ideas, and their light heads are carried away by trivialities
that would not move a better-furnished skull; and their only
alternative to such discourse is to plunge over head and ears into
the slough of scandal - which is their chief delight.'
'Not all of them, surely?' cried the lady, astonished at the
bitterness of my remark.
'No, certainly; I exonerate my sister from such degraded tastes,
and my mother too, if you included her in your animadversions.'
'I meant no animadversions against any one, and certainly intended
no disrespectful allusions to your mother. I have known some
sensible persons great adepts in that style of conversation when
circumstances impelled them to it; but it is a gift I cannot boast
the possession of. I kept up my attention on this occasion as long
as I could, but when my powers were exhausted I stole away to seek
a few minutes' repose in this quiet walk. I hate talking where
there is no exchange of ideas or sentiments, and no good given or
received.'
'Well,' said I, 'if ever I trouble you with my loquacity, tell me
so at once, and I promise not to be offended; for I possess the
faculty of enjoying the company of those I - of my friends as well
in silence as in conversation.'
'I don't quite believe you; but if it were so you would exactly
suit me for a companion.'
'I am all you wish, then, in other respects?'
'No, I don't mean that. How beautiful those little clusters of
foliage look, where the sun comes through behind them!' said she,
on purpose to change the subject.
And they did look beautiful, where at intervals the level rays of
the sun penetrating the thickness of trees and shrubs on the
opposite side of the path before us, relieved their dusky verdure
by displaying patches of semi-transparent leaves of resplendent
golden green.
'I almost wish I were not a painter,' observed my companion.
'Why so? one would think at such a time you would most exult in
your privilege of being able to imitate the various brilliant and
delightful touches of nature.'
'No; for instead of delivering myself up to the full enjoyment of
them as others do, I am always troubling my head about how I could
produce the same effect upon canvas; and as that can never be done,
it is more vanity and vexation of spirit.'
'Perhaps you cannot do it to satisfy yourself, but you may and do
succeed in delighting others with the result of your endeavours.'
'Well, after all, I should not complain: perhaps few people gain
their livelihood with so much pleasure in their toil as I do. Here
is some one coming.'
She seemed vexed at the interruption.
'It is only Mr. Lawrence and Miss Wilson,' said I, 'coming to enjoy
a quiet stroll. They will not disturb us.'
I could not quite decipher the expression of her face; but I was
satisfied there was no jealousy therein. What business had I to
look for it?
'What sort of a person is Miss Wilson?' she asked.
'She is elegant and accomplished above the generality of her birth
and station; and some say she is ladylike and agreeable.'
'I thought her somewhat frigid and rather supercilious in her
manner to-day.'
'Very likely she might be so to you. She has possibly taken a
prejudice against you, for I think she regards you in the light of
a rival.'
'Me! Impossible, Mr. Markham!' said she, evidently astonished and
annoyed.
'Well, I know nothing about it,' returned I, rather doggedly; for I
thought her annoyance was chiefly against myself.
The pair had now approached within a few paces of us. Our arbour
was set snugly back in a corner, before which the avenue at its
termination turned off into the more airy walk along the bottom of
the garden. As they approached this, I saw, by the aspect of Jane
Wilson, that she was directing her companion's attention to us;
and, as well by her cold, sarcastic smile as by the few isolated
words of her discourse that reached me, I knew full well that she
was impressing him with the idea, that we were strongly attached to
each other. I noticed that he coloured up to the temples, gave us
one furtive glance in passing, and walked on, looking grave, but
seemingly offering no reply to her remarks.
It was true, then, that he had some designs upon Mrs. Graham; and,
were they honourable, he would not be so anxious to conceal them.
She was blameless, of course, but he was detestable beyond all
count.
While these thoughts flashed through my mind, my companion abruptly
rose, and calling her son, said they would now go in quest of the
company, and departed up the avenue. Doubtless she had heard or
guessed something of Miss Wilson's remarks, and therefore it was
natural enough she should choose to continue the TETE-E-TETE no
longer, especially as at that moment my cheeks were burning with
indignation against my former friend, the token of which she might
mistake for a blush of stupid embarrassment. For this I owed Miss
Wilson yet another grudge; and still the more I thought upon her
conduct the more I hated her.
It was late in the evening before I joined the company. I found
Mrs. Graham already equipped for departure, and taking leave of the
rest, who were now returned to the house. I offered, nay, begged
to accompany her home. Mr. Lawrence was standing by at the time
conversing with some one else. He did not look at us, but, on
hearing my earnest request, he paused in the middle of a sentence
to listen for her reply, and went on, with a look of quiet
satisfaction, the moment he found it was to be a denial.
A denial it was, decided, though not unkind. She could not be
persuaded to think there was danger for herself or her child in
traversing those lonely lanes and fields without attendance. It
was daylight still, and she should meet no one; or if she did, the
people were quiet and harmless she was well assured. In fact, she
would not hear of any one's putting himself out of the way to
accompany her, though Fergus vouchsafed to offer his services in
case they should be more acceptable than mine, and my mother begged
she might send one of the farming-men to escort her.
When she was gone the rest was all a blank or worse. Lawrence
attempted to draw me into conversation, but I snubbed him and went
to another part of the room. Shortly after the party broke up and
he himself took leave. When he came to me I was blind to his
extended hand, and deaf to his good-night till he repeated it a
second time; and then, to get rid of him, I muttered an
inarticulate reply, accompanied by a sulky nod.
'What is the matter, Markham?' whispered he.
I replied by a wrathful and contemptuous stare.
'Are you angry because Mrs. Graham would not let you go home with
her?' he asked, with a faint smile that nearly exasperated me
beyond control.
But, swallowing down all fiercer answers, I merely demanded, -
'What business is it of yours?'
'Why, none,' replied he with provoking quietness; 'only,' - and he
raised his eyes to my face, and spoke with unusual solemnity, -
'only let me tell you, Markham, that if you have any designs in
that quarter, they will certainly fail; and it grieves me to see
you cherishing false hopes, and wasting your strength in useless
efforts, for - '
'Hypocrite!' I exclaimed; and he held his breath, and looked very
blank, turned white about the gills, and went away without another
word.
I had wounded him to the quick; and I was glad of it.
CHAPTER X
When all were gone, I learnt that the vile slander had indeed been
circulated throughout the company, in the very presence of the
victim. Rose, however, vowed she did not and would not believe it,
and my mother made the same declaration, though not, I fear, with
the same amount of real, unwavering incredulity. It seemed to
dwell continually on her mind, and she kept irritating me from time
to time by such expressions as - 'Dear, dear, who would have
thought it! - Well! I always thought there was something odd about
her. - You see what it is for women to affect to be different to
other people.' And once it was, - 'I misdoubted that appearance of
mystery from the very first - I thought there would no good come of
it; but this is a sad, sad business, to be sure!'
'Why, mother, you said you didn't believe these tales,' said
Fergus.
'No more I do, my dear; but then, you know, there must be some
foundation.'
'The foundation is in the wickedness and falsehood of the world,'
said I, 'and in the fact that Mr. Lawrence has been seen to go that
way once or twice of an evening - and the village gossips say he
goes to pay his addresses to the strange lady, and the scandalmongers
have greedily seized the rumour, to make it the basis of
their own infernal structure.'
'Well, but, Gilbert, there must be something in her manner to
countenance such reports.'
'Did you see anything in her manner?'
'No, certainly; but then, you know, I always said there was
something strange about her.'
I believe it was on that very evening that I ventured on another
invasion of Wildfell Hall. From the time of our party, which was
upwards of a week ago, I had been making daily efforts to meet its
mistress in her walks; and always disappointed (she must have
managed it so on purpose), had nightly kept revolving in my mind
some pretext for another call. At length I concluded that the
separation could be endured no longer (by this time, you will see,
I was pretty far gone); and, taking from the book-case an old
volume that I thought she might be interested in, though, from its
unsightly and somewhat dilapidated condition, I had not yet
ventured to offer it for perusal, I hastened away, - but not
without sundry misgivings as to how she would receive me, or how I
could summon courage to present myself with so slight an excuse.
But, perhaps, I might see her in the field or the garden, and then
there would be no great difficulty: it was the formal knocking at
the door, with the prospect of being gravely ushered in by Rachel,
to the presence of a surprised, uncordial mistress, that so greatly
disturbed me.
My wish, however, was not gratified. Mrs. Graham herself was not
to be seen; but there was Arthur playing with his frolicsome little
dog in the garden. I looked over the gate and called him to me.
He wanted me to come in; but I told him I could not without his
mother's leave.
'I'll go and ask her,' said the child.
'No, no, Arthur, you mustn't do that; but if she's not engaged,
just ask her to come here a minute. Tell her I want to speak to
her.'
He ran to perform my bidding, and quickly returned with his mother.
How lovely she looked with her dark ringlets streaming in the light
summer breeze, her fair cheek slightly flushed, and her countenance
radiant with smiles. Dear Arthur! what did I not owe to you for
this and every other happy meeting? Through him I was at once
delivered from all formality, and terror, and constraint. In love
affairs, there is no mediator like a merry, simple-hearted child -
ever ready to cement divided hearts, to span the unfriendly gulf of
custom, to melt the ice of cold reserve, and overthrow the
separating walls of dread formality and pride.
'Well, Mr. Markham, what is it?' said the young mother, accosting
me with a pleasant smile.
'I want you to look at this book, and, if you please, to take it,
and peruse it at your leisure. I make no apology for calling you
out on such a lovely evening, though it be for a matter of no
greater importance.'
'Tell him to come in, mamma,' said Arthur.
'Would you like to come in?' asked the lady.
'Yes; I should like to see your improvements in the garden.'
'And how your sister's roots have prospered in my charge,' added
she, as she opened the gate.
And we sauntered through the garden, and talked of the flowers, the
trees, and the book, and then of other things. The evening was
kind and genial, and so was my companion. By degrees I waxed more
warm and tender than, perhaps, I had ever been before; but still I
said nothing tangible, and she attempted no repulse, until, in
passing a moss rose-tree that I had brought her some weeks since,
in my sister's name, she plucked a beautiful half-open bud and bade
me give it to Rose.
'May I not keep it myself?' I asked.
'No; but here is another for you.'
Instead of taking it quietly, I likewise took the hand that offered
it, and looked into her face. She let me hold it for a moment, and
I saw a flash of ecstatic brilliance in her eye, a glow of glad
excitement on her face - I thought my hour of victory was come -
but instantly a painful recollection seemed to flash upon her; a
cloud of anguish darkened her brow, a marble paleness blanched her
cheek and lip; there seemed a moment of inward conflict, and, with
a sudden effort, she withdrew her hand, and retreated a step or two
back.
'Now, Mr. Markham,' said she, with a kind of desperate calmness, 'I
must tell you plainly that I cannot do with this. I like your
company, because I am alone here, and your conversation pleases me
more than that of any other person; but if you cannot be content to
regard me as a friend - a plain, cold, motherly, or sisterly friend
- I must beg you to leave me now, and let me alone hereafter: in
fact, we must be strangers for the future.'
'I will, then - be your friend, or brother, or anything you wish,
if you will only let me continue to see you; but tell me why I
cannot be anything more?'
There was a perplexed and thoughtful pause.
'Is it in consequence of some rash vow?'
'It is something of the kind,' she answered. 'Some day I may tell
you, but at present you had better leave me; and never, Gilbert,
put me to the painful necessity of repeating what I have just now
said to you,' she earnestly added, giving me her hand in serious
kindness. How sweet, how musical my own name sounded in her mouth!
'I will not,' I replied. 'But you pardon this offence?'
'On condition that you never repeat it.'
'And may I come to see you now and then?'
'Perhaps - occasionally; provided you never abuse the privilege.'
'I make no empty promises, but you shall see.'
'The moment you do our intimacy is at an end, that's all.'
'And will you always call me Gilbert? It sounds more sisterly, and
it will serve to remind me of our contract.'
She smiled, and once more bid me go; and at length I judged it
prudent to obey, and she re-entered the house and I went down the
hill. But as I went the tramp of horses' hoofs fell on my ear, and
broke the stillness of the dewy evening; and, looking towards the
lane, I saw a solitary equestrian coming up. Inclining to dusk as
it was, I knew him at a glance: it was Mr. Lawrence on his grey
pony. I flew across the field, leaped the stone fence, and then
walked down the lane to meet him. On seeing me, he suddenly drew
in his little steed, and seemed inclined to turn back, but on
second thought apparently judged it better to continue his course
as before. He accosted me with a slight bow, and, edging close to
the wall, endeavoured to pass on; but I was not so minded. Seizing
his horse by the bridle, I exclaimed, - 'Now, Lawrence, I will have
this mystery explained! Tell me where you are going, and what you
mean to do - at once, and distinctly!'
'Will you take your hand off the bridle?' said he, quietly -
'you're hurting my pony's mouth.'
'You and your pony be - '
'What makes you so coarse and brutal, Markham? I'm quite ashamed
of you.'
'You answer my questions - before you leave this spot I will know
what you mean by this perfidious duplicity!'
'I shall answer no questions till you let go the bridle, - if you
stand till morning.'
'Now then,' said I, unclosing my hand, but still standing before
him.
'Ask me some other time, when you can speak like a gentleman,'
returned he, and he made an effort to pass me again; but I quickly
re-captured the pony, scarce less astonished than its master at
such uncivil usage.
'Really, Mr. Markham, this is too much!' said the latter. 'Can I
not go to see my tenant on matters of business, without being
assaulted in this manner by -?'
'This is no time for business, sir! - I'll tell you, now, what I
think of your conduct.'
'You'd better defer your opinion to a more convenient season,'
interrupted he in a low tone - 'here's the vicar.' And, in truth,
the vicar was just behind me, plodding homeward from some remote
corner of his parish. I immediately released the squire; and he
went on his way, saluting Mr. Millward as he passed.
'What! quarrelling, Markham?' cried the latter, addressing himself
to me, - 'and about that young widow, I doubt?' he added,
reproachfully shaking his head. 'But let me tell you, young man'
(here he put his face into mine with an important, confidential
air), 'she's not worth it!' and he confirmed the assertion by a
solemn nod.
'MR. MILLWARD,' I exclaimed, in a tone of wrathful menace that made
the reverend gentleman look round - aghast - astounded at such
unwonted insolence, and stare me in the face, with a look that
plainly said, 'What, this to me!' But I was too indignant to
apologise, or to speak another word to him: I turned away, and
hastened homewards, descending with rapid strides the steep, rough
lane, and leaving him to follow as he pleased.
CHAPTER XI
You must suppose about three weeks passed over. Mrs. Graham and I
were now established friends - or brother and sister, as we rather
chose to consider ourselves. She called me Gilbert, by my express
desire, and I called her Helen, for I had seen that name written in
her books. I seldom attempted to see her above twice a week; and
still I made our meetings appear the result of accident as often as
I could - for I found it necessary to be extremely careful - and,
altogether, I behaved with such exceeding propriety that she never
had occasion to reprove me once. Yet I could not but perceive that
she was at times unhappy and dissatisfied with herself or her
position, and truly I myself was not quite contented with the
latter: this assumption of brotherly nonchalance was very hard to
sustain, and I often felt myself a most confounded hypocrite with
it all; I saw too, or rather I felt, that, in spite of herself, 'I
was not indifferent to her,' as the novel heroes modestly express
it, and while I thankfully enjoyed my present good fortune, I could
not fail to wish and hope for something better in future; but, of
course, I kept such dreams entirely to myself.
'Where are you going, Gilbert?' said Rose, one evening, shortly
after tea, when I had been busy with the farm all day.
'To take a walk,' was the reply.
'Do you always brush your hat so carefully, and do your hair so
nicely, and put on such smart new gloves when you take a walk?'
'Not always.'
'You're going to Wildfell Hall, aren't you?'
'What makes you think so?'
'Because you look as if you were - but I wish you wouldn't go so
often.'
'Nonsense, child! I don't go once in six weeks - what do you
mean?'
'Well, but if I were you, I wouldn't have so much to do with Mrs.
Graham.'
'Why, Rose, are you, too, giving in to the prevailing opinion?'
'No,' returned she, hesitatingly - 'but I've heard so much about
her lately, both at the Wilsons' and the vicarage; - and besides,
mamma says, if she were a proper person she would not be living
there by herself - and don't you remember last winter, Gilbert, all
that about the false name to the picture; and how she explained it
- saying she had friends or acquaintances from whom she wished her
present residence to be concealed, and that she was afraid of their
tracing her out; - and then, how suddenly she started up and left
the room when that person came - whom she took good care not to let
us catch a glimpse of, and who Arthur, with such an air of mystery,
told us was his mamma's friend?'
'Yes, Rose, I remember it all; and I can forgive your uncharitable
conclusions; for, perhaps, if I did not know her myself, I should
put all these things together, and believe the same as you do; but
thank God, I do know her; and I should be unworthy the name of a
man, if I could believe anything that was said against her, unless
I heard it from her own lips. - I should as soon believe such
things of you, Rose.'
'Oh, Gilbert!'
'Well, do you think I could believe anything of the kind, -
whatever the Wilsons and Millwards dared to whisper?'
'I should hope not indeed!'
'And why not? - Because I know you - Well, and I know her just as
well.'
'Oh, no! you know nothing of her former life; and last year, at
this time, you did not know that such a person existed.'
'No matter. There is such a thing as looking through a person's
eyes into the heart, and learning more of the height, and breadth,
and depth of another's soul in one hour than it might take you a
lifetime to discover, if he or she were not disposed to reveal it,
or if you had not the sense to understand it.'
'Then you are going to see her this evening?'
'To be sure I am!'
'But what would mamma say, Gilbert!'
'Mamma needn't know.'
'But she must know some time, if you go on.'
'Go on! - there's no going on in the matter. Mrs. Graham and I are
two friends - and will be; and no man breathing shall hinder it, -
or has a right to interfere between us.'
'But if you knew how they talk you would be more careful, for her
sake as well as for your own. Jane Wilson thinks your visits to
the old hall but another proof of her depravity - '
'Confound Jane Wilson!'
'And Eliza Millward is quite grieved about you.'
'I hope she is.'
'But I wouldn't, if I were you.'
'Wouldn't what? - How do they know that I go there?'
'There's nothing hid from them: they spy out everything.'
'Oh, I never thought of this! - And so they dare to turn my
friendship into food for further scandal against her! - That proves
the falsehood of their other lies, at all events, if any proof were
wanting. - Mind you contradict them, Rose, whenever you can.'
'But they don't speak openly to me about such things: it is only
by hints and innuendoes, and by what I hear others say, that I knew
what they think.'
'Well, then, I won't go to-day, as it's getting latish. But oh,
deuce take their cursed, envenomed tongues!' I muttered, in the
bitterness of my soul.
And just at that moment the vicar entered the room: we had been
too much absorbed in our conversation to observe his knock. After
his customary cheerful and fatherly greeting of Rose, who was
rather a favourite with the old gentleman, he turned somewhat
sternly to me:-
'Well, sir!' said he, 'you're quite a stranger. It is - let - me -
see,' he continued, slowly, as he deposited his ponderous bulk in
the arm-chair that Rose officiously brought towards him; 'it is
just - six-weeks - by my reckoning, since you darkened - my -
door!' He spoke it with emphasis, and struck his stick on the
floor.
'Is it, sir?' said I.
'Ay! It is so!' He added an affirmatory nod, and continued to
gaze upon me with a kind of irate solemnity, holding his
substantial stick between his knees, with his hands clasped upon
its head.
'I have been busy,' I said, for an apology was evidently demanded.
'Busy!' repeated he, derisively.
'Yes, you know I've been getting in my hay; and now the harvest is
beginning.'
'Humph!'
Just then my mother came in, and created a diversion in my favour
by her loquacious and animated welcome of the reverend guest. She
regretted deeply that he had not come a little earlier, in time for
tea, but offered to have some immediately prepared, if he would do
her the favour to partake of it.
'Not any for me, I thank you,' replied he; 'I shall be at home in a
few minutes.'
'Oh, but do stay and take a little! it will be ready in five
minutes.'
But he rejected the offer with a majestic wave of the hand.
'I'll tell you what I'll take, Mrs. Markham,' said he: 'I'll take
a glass of your excellent ale.'
'With pleasure!' cried my mother, proceeding with alacrity to pull
the bell and order the favoured beverage.
'I thought,' continued he, 'I'd just look in upon you as I passed,
and taste your home-brewed ale. I've been to call on Mrs. Graham.'
'Have you, indeed?'
He nodded gravely, and added with awful emphasis - 'I thought it
incumbent upon me to do so.'
'Really!' ejaculated my mother.
'Why so, Mr. Millward?' asked I.
He looked at me with some severity, and turning again to my mother,
repeated, - 'I thought it incumbent upon me!' and struck his stick
on the floor again. My mother sat opposite, an awe-struck but
admiring auditor.
'"Mrs. Graham," said I,' he continued, shaking his head as he
spoke, '"these are terrible reports!" "What, sir?" says she,
affecting to be ignorant of my meaning. "It is my - duty - as -
your pastor," said I, "to tell you both everything that I myself
see reprehensible in your conduct, and all I have reason to
suspect, and what others tell me concerning you." - So I told her!'
'You did, sir?' cried I, starting from my seat and striking my fist
on the table. He merely glanced towards me, and continued -
addressing his hostess:-
'It was a painful duty, Mrs. Markham - but I told her!'
'And how did she take it?' asked my mother.
'Hardened, I fear - hardened!' he replied, with a despondent shake
of the head; 'and, at the same time, there was a strong display of
unchastened, misdirected passions. She turned white in the face,
and drew her breath through her teeth in a savage sort of way; -
but she offered no extenuation or defence; and with a kind of
shameless calmness - shocking indeed to witness in one so young -
as good as told me that my remonstrance was unavailing, and my
pastoral advice quite thrown away upon her - nay, that my very
presence was displeasing while I spoke such things. And I withdrew
at length, too plainly seeing that nothing could be done - and
sadly grieved to find her case so hopeless. But I am fully
determined, Mrs. Markham, that my daughters - shall - not - consort
with her. Do you adopt the same resolution with regard to yours! -
As for your sons - as for you, young man,' he continued, sternly
turning to me -
'As for ME, sir,' I began, but checked by some impediment in my
utterance, and finding that my whole frame trembled with fury, I
said no more, but took the wiser part of snatching up my hat and
bolting from the room, slamming the door behind me, with a bang
that shook the house to its foundations, and made my mother scream,
and gave a momentary relief to my excited feelings.
The next minute saw me hurrying with rapid strides in the direction
of Wildfell Hall - to what intent or purpose I could scarcely tell,
but I must be moving somewhere, and no other goal would do - I must
see her too, and speak to her - that was certain; but what to say,
or how to act, I had no definite idea. Such stormy thoughts - so
many different resolutions crowded in upon me, that my mind was
little better than a chaos of conflicting passions.
CHAPTER XII
In little more than twenty minutes the journey was accomplished. I
paused at the gate to wipe my streaming forehead, and recover my
breath and some degree of composure. Already the rapid walking had
somewhat mitigated my excitement; and with a firm and steady tread
I paced the garden-walk. In passing the inhabited wing of the
building, I caught a sight of Mrs. Graham, through the open window,
slowly pacing up and down her lonely room.
She seemed agitated and even dismayed at my arrival, as if she
thought I too was coming to accuse her. I had entered her presence
intending to condole with her upon the wickedness of the world, and
help her to abuse the vicar and his vile informants, but now I felt
positively ashamed to mention the subject, and determined not to
refer to it, unless she led the way.
'I am come at an unseasonable hour,' said I, assuming a
cheerfulness I did not feel, in order to reassure her; 'but I won't
stay many minutes.'
She smiled upon me, faintly it is true, but most kindly - I had
almost said thankfully, as her apprehensions were removed.
'How dismal you are, Helen! Why have you no fire?' I said, looking
round on the gloomy apartment.
'It is summer yet,' she replied.
'But we always have a fire in the evenings, if we can bear it; and
you especially require one in this cold house and dreary room.'
'You should have come a little sooner, and I would have had one
lighted for you: but it is not worth while now - you won't stay
many minutes, you say, and Arthur is gone to bed.'
'But I have a fancy for a fire, nevertheless. Will you order one,
if I ring?'
'Why, Gilbert, you don't look cold!' said she, smilingly regarding
my face, which no doubt seemed warm enough.
'No,' replied I, 'but I want to see you comfortable before I go.'
'Me comfortable!' repeated she, with a bitter laugh, as if there
were something amusingly absurd in the idea. 'It suits me better
as it is,' she added, in a tone of mournful resignation.
But determined to have my own way, I pulled the bell.
'There now, Helen!' I said, as the approaching steps of Rachel were
heard in answer to the summons. There was nothing for it but to
turn round and desire the maid to light the fire.
I owe Rachel a grudge to this day for the look she cast upon me ere
she departed on her mission, the sour, suspicious, inquisitorial
look that plainly demanded, 'What are you here for, I wonder?' Her
mistress did not fail to notice it, and a shade of uneasiness
darkened her brow.
'You must not stay long, Gilbert,' said she, when the door was
closed upon us.
'I'm not going to,' said I, somewhat testily, though without a
grain of anger in my heart against any one but the meddling old
woman. 'But, Helen, I've something to say to you before I go.'
'What is it?'
'No, not now - I don't know yet precisely what it is, or how to say
it,' replied I, with more truth than wisdom; and then, fearing lest
she should turn me out of the house, I began talking about
indifferent matters in order to gain time. Meanwhile Rachel came
in to kindle the fire, which was soon effected by thrusting a redhot
poker between the bars of the grate, where the fuel was already
disposed for ignition. She honoured me with another of her hard,
inhospitable looks in departing, but, little moved thereby, I went
on talking; and setting a chair for Mrs. Graham on one side of the
hearth, and one for myself on the other, I ventured to sit down,
though half suspecting she would rather see me go.
In a little while we both relapsed into silence, and continued for
several minutes gazing abstractedly into the fire - she intent upon
her own sad thoughts, and I reflecting how delightful it would be
to be seated thus beside her with no other presence to restrain our
intercourse - not even that of Arthur, our mutual friend, without
whom we had never met before - if only I could venture to speak my
mind, and disburden my full heart of the feelings that had so long
oppressed it, and which it now struggled to retain, with an effort
that it seemed impossible to continue much longer, - and revolving
the pros and cons for opening my heart to her there and then, and
imploring a return of affection, the permission to regard her
thenceforth as my own, and the right and the power to defend her
from the calumnies of malicious tongues. On the one hand, I felt a
new-born confidence in my powers of persuasion - a strong
conviction that my own fervour of spirit would grant me eloquence -
that my very determination - the absolute necessity for succeeding,
that I felt must win me what I sought; while, on the other, I
feared to lose the ground I had already gained with so much toil
and skill, and destroy all future hope by one rash effort, when
time and patience might have won success. It was like setting my
life upon the cast of a die; and yet I was ready to resolve upon
the attempt. At any rate, I would entreat the explanation she had
half promised to give me before; I would demand the reason of this
hateful barrier, this mysterious impediment to my happiness, and,
as I trusted, to her own.
But while I considered in what manner I could best frame my
request, my companion, wakened from her reverie with a scarcely
audible sigh, and looking towards the window, where the blood-red
harvest moon, just rising over one of the grim, fantastic
evergreens, was shining in upon us, said, - 'Gilbert, it is getting
late.'
'I see,' said I. 'You want me to go, I suppose?'
'I think you ought. If my kind neighbours get to know of this
visit - as no doubt they will - they will not turn it much to my
advantage.'
It was with what the vicar would doubtless have called a savage
sort of smile that she said this.
'Let them turn it as they will,' said I. 'What are their thoughts
to you or me, so long as we are satisfied with ourselves - and each
other. Let them go to the deuce with their vile constructions and
their lying inventions!'
This outburst brought a flush of colour to her face.
'You have heard, then, what they say of me?'
'I heard some detestable falsehoods; but none but fools would
credit them for a moment, Helen, so don't let them trouble you.'
'I did not think Mr. Millward a fool, and he believes it all; but
however little you may value the opinions of those about you -
however little you may esteem them as individuals, it is not
pleasant to be looked upon as a liar and a hypocrite, to be thought
to practise what you abhor, and to encourage the vices you would
discountenance, to find your good intentions frustrated, and your
hands crippled by your supposed unworthiness, and to bring disgrace
on the principles you profess.'
'True; and if I, by my thoughtlessness and selfish disregard to
appearances, have at all assisted to expose you to these evils, let
me entreat you not only to pardon me, but to enable me to make
reparation; authorise me to clear your name from every imputation:
give me the right to identify your honour with my own, and to
defend your reputation as more precious than my life!'
'Are you hero enough to unite yourself to one whom you know to be
suspected and despised by all around you, and identify your
interests and your honour with hers? Think! it is a serious
thing.'
'I should be proud to do it, Helen! - most happy - delighted beyond
expression! - and if that be all the obstacle to our union, it is
demolished, and you must - you shall be mine!'
And starting from my seat in a frenzy of ardour, I seized her hand
and would have pressed it to my lips, but she as suddenly caught it
away, exclaiming in the bitterness of intense affliction, - 'No,
no, it is not all!'
'What is it, then? You promised I should know some time, and - '
'You shall know some time - but not now - my head aches terribly,'
she said, pressing her hand to her forehead, 'and I must have some
repose - and surely I have had misery enough to-day!' she added,
almost wildly.
'But it could not harm you to tell it,' I persisted: 'it would
ease your mind; and I should then know how to comfort you.'
She shook her head despondingly. 'If you knew all, you, too, would
blame me - perhaps even more than I deserve - though I have cruelly
wronged you,' she added in a low murmur, as if she mused aloud.
'You, Helen? Impossible?'
'Yes, not willingly; for I did not know the strength and depth of
your attachment. I thought - at least I endeavoured to think your
regard for me was as cold and fraternal as you professed it to be.'
'Or as yours?'
'Or as mine - ought to have been - of such a light and selfish,
superficial nature, that - '
'There, indeed, you wronged me.'
I know I did; and, sometimes, I suspected it then; but I thought,
upon the whole, there could be no great harm in leaving your
fancies and your hopes to dream themselves to nothing - or flutter
away to some more fitting object, while your friendly sympathies
remained with me; but if I had known the depth of your regard, the
generous, disinterested affection you seem to feel - '
'Seem, Helen?'
'That you do feel, then, I would have acted differently.'
'How? You could not have given me less encouragement, or treated
me with greater severity than you did! And if you think you have
wronged me by giving me your friendship, and occasionally admitting
me to the enjoyment of your company and conversation, when all
hopes of closer intimacy were vain - as indeed you always gave me
to understand - if you think you have wronged me by this, you are
mistaken; for such favours, in themselves alone, are not only
delightful to my heart, but purifying, exalting, ennobling to my
soul; and I would rather have your friendship than the love of any
other woman in the world!'
Little comforted by this, she clasped her hands upon her knee, and
glancing upward, seemed, in silent anguish, to implore divine
assistance; then, turning to me, she calmly said, - 'To-morrow, if
you meet me on the moor about mid-day, I will tell you all you seek
to know; and perhaps you will then see the necessity of
discontinuing our intimacy - if, indeed, you do not willingly
resign me as one no longer worthy of regard.'
'I can safely answer no to that: you cannot have such grave
confessions to make - you must be trying my faith, Helen.'
'No, no, no,' she earnestly repeated - 'I wish it were so! Thank
heaven!' she added, 'I have no great crime to confess; but I have
more than you will like to hear, or, perhaps, can readily excuse, -
and more than I can tell you now; so let me entreat you to leave
me!'
'I will; but answer me this one question first; - do you love me?'
'I will not answer it!'
'Then I will conclude you do; and so good-night.'
She turned from me to hide the emotion she could not quite control;
but I took her hand and fervently kissed it.
'Gilbert, do leave me!' she cried, in a tone of such thrilling
anguish that I felt it would be cruel to disobey.
But I gave one look back before I closed the door, and saw her
leaning forward on the table, with her hands pressed against her
eyes, sobbing convulsively; yet I withdrew in silence. I felt that
to obtrude my consolations on her then would only serve to
aggravate her sufferings.
To tell you all the questionings and conjectures - the fears, and
hopes, and wild emotions that jostled and chased each other through
my mind as I descended the hill, would almost fill a volume in
itself. But before I was half-way down, a sentiment of strong
sympathy for her I had left behind me had displaced all other
feelings, and seemed imperatively to draw me back: I began to
think, 'Why am I hurrying so fast in this direction? Can I find
comfort or consolation - peace, certainty, contentment, all - or
anything that I want at home? and can I leave all perturbation,
sorrow, and anxiety behind me there?'
And I turned round to look at the old Hall. There was little
besides the chimneys visible above my contracted horizon. I walked
back to get a better view of it. When it rose in sight, I stood
still a moment to look, and then continued moving towards the
gloomy object of attraction. Something called me nearer - nearer
still - and why not, pray? Might I not find more benefit in the
contemplation of that venerable pile with the full moon in the
cloudless heaven shining so calmly above it - with that warm yellow
lustre peculiar to an August night - and the mistress of my soul
within, than in returning to my home, where all comparatively was
light, and life, and cheerfulness, and therefore inimical to me in
my present frame of mind, - and the more so that its inmates all
were more or less imbued with that detestable belief, the very
thought of which made my blood boil in my veins - and how could I
endure to hear it openly declared, or cautiously insinuated - which
was worse? - I had had trouble enough already, with some babbling
fiend that would keep whispering in my ear, 'It may be true,' till
I had shouted aloud, 'It is false! I defy you to make me suppose
it!'
I could see the red firelight dimly gleaming from her parlour
window. I went up to the garden wall, and stood leaning over it,
with my eyes fixed upon the lattice, wondering what she was doing,
thinking, or suffering now, and wishing I could speak to her but
one word, or even catch one glimpse of her, before I went.
I had not thus looked, and wished, and wondered long, before I
vaulted over the barrier, unable to resist the temptation of taking
one glance through the window, just to if she were more composed
than when we parted; - and if I found her still in deep distress,
perhaps I might venture attempt a word of comfort - to utter one of
the many things I should have said before, instead of aggravating
her sufferings by my stupid impetuosity. I looked. Her chair was
vacant: so was the room. But at that moment some one opened the
outer door, and a voice - her voice - said, - 'Come out - I want to
see the moon, and breathe the evening air: they will do me good -
if anything will.'
Here, then, were she and Rachel coming to take a walk in the
garden. I wished myself safe back over the wall. I stood,
however, in the shadow of the tall holly-bush, which, standing
between the window and the porch, at present screened me from
observation, but did not prevent me from seeing two figures come
forth into the moonlight: Mrs. Graham followed by another - not
Rachel, but a young man, slender and rather tall. O heavens, how
my temples throbbed! Intense anxiety darkened my sight; but I
thought - yes, and the voice confirmed it - it was Mr. Lawrence!
'You should not let it worry you so much, Helen,' said he; 'I will
be more cautious in future; and in time - '
I did not hear the rest of the sentence; for he walked close beside
her and spoke so gently that I could not catch the words. My heart
was splitting with hatred; but I listened intently for her reply.
I heard it plainly enough.
'But I must leave this place, Frederick,' she said - 'I never can
be happy here, - nor anywhere else, indeed,' she added, with a
mirthless laugh, - 'but I cannot rest here.'
'But where could you find a better place?' replied he, 'so secluded
- so near me, if you think anything of that.'
'Yes,' interrupted she, 'it is all I could wish, if they could only
have left me alone.'
'But wherever you go, Helen, there will be the same sources of
annoyance. I cannot consent to lose you: I must go with you, or
come to you; and there are meddling fools elsewhere, as well as
here.'
While thus conversing they had sauntered slowly past me, down the
walk, and I heard no more of their discourse; but I saw him put his
arm round her waist, while she lovingly rested her hand on his
shoulder; - and then, a tremulous darkness obscured my sight, my
heart sickened and my head burned like fire: I half rushed, half
staggered from the spot, where horror had kept me rooted, and
leaped or tumbled over the wall - I hardly know which - but I know
that, afterwards, like a passionate child, I dashed myself on the
ground and lay there in a paroxysm of anger and despair - how long,
I cannot undertake to say; but it must have been a considerable
time; for when, having partially relieved myself by a torment of
tears, and looked up at the moon, shining so calmly and carelessly
on, as little influenced by my misery as I was by its peaceful
radiance, and earnestly prayed for death or forgetfulness, I had
risen and journeyed homewards - little regarding the way, but
carried instinctively by my feet to the door, I found it bolted
against me, and every one in bed except my mother, who hastened to
answer my impatient knocking, and received me with a shower of
questions and rebukes.
'Oh, Gilbert! how could you do so? Where have you been? Do come
in and take your supper. I've got it all ready, though you don't
deserve it, for keeping me in such a fright, after the strange
manner you left the house this evening. Mr. Millward was quite -
Bless the boy! how ill he looks. Oh, gracious! what is the
matter?'
'Nothing, nothing - give me a candle.'
'But won't you take some supper?'
'No; I want to go to bed,' said I, taking a candle and lighting it
at the one she held in her hand.
'Oh, Gilbert, how you tremble!' exclaimed my anxious parent. 'How
white you look! Do tell me what it is? Has anything happened?'
'It's nothing,' cried I, ready to stamp with vexation because the
candle would not light. Then, suppressing my irritation, I added,
'I've been walking too fast, that's all. Good-night,' and marched
off to bed, regardless of the 'Walking too fast! where have you
been?' that was called after me from below.
My mother followed me to the very door of my room with her
questionings and advice concerning my health and my conduct; but I
implored her to let me alone till morning; and she withdrew, and at
length I had the satisfaction to hear her close her own door.
There was no sleep for me, however, that night as I thought; and
instead of attempting to solicit it, I employed myself in rapidly
pacing the chamber, having first removed my boots, lest my mother
should hear me. But the boards creaked, and she was watchful. I
had not walked above a quarter of an hour before she was at the
door again.
'Gilbert, why are you not in bed - you said you wanted to go?'
'Confound it! I'm going,' said I.
'But why are you so long about it? You must have something on your
mind - '
'For heaven's sake, let me alone, and get to bed yourself.'
'Can it be that Mrs. Graham that distresses you so?'
'No, no, I tell you - it's nothing.'
'I wish to goodness it mayn't,' murmured she, with a sigh, as she
returned to her own apartment, while I threw myself on the bed,
feeling most undutifully disaffected towards her for having
deprived me of what seemed the only shadow of a consolation that
remained, and chained me to that wretched couch of thorns.
Never did I endure so long, so miserable a night as that. And yet
it was not wholly sleepless. Towards morning my distracting
thoughts began to lose all pretensions to coherency, and shape
themselves into confused and feverish dreams, and, at length, there
followed an interval of unconscious slumber. But then the dawn of
bitter recollection that succeeded - the waking to find life a
blank, and worse than a blank, teeming with torment and misery -
not a mere barren wilderness, but full of thorns and briers - to
find myself deceived, duped, hopeless, my affections trampled upon,
my angel not an angel, and my friend a fiend incarnate - it was
worse than if I had not slept at all.
It was a dull, gloomy morning; the weather had changed like my
prospects, and the rain was pattering against the window. I rose,
nevertheless, and went out; not to look after the farm, though that
would serve as my excuse, but to cool my brain, and regain, if
possible, a sufficient degree of composure to meet the family at
the morning meal without exciting inconvenient remarks. If I got a
wetting, that, in conjunction with a pretended over-exertion before
breakfast, might excuse my sudden loss of appetite; and if a cold
ensued, the severer the better - it would help to account for the
sullen moods and moping melancholy likely to cloud my brow for long
enough.
CHAPTER XIII
'My dear Gilbert, I wish you would try to be a little more
amiable,' said my mother one morning after some display of
unjustifiable ill-humour on my part. 'You say there is nothing the
matter with you, and nothing has happened to grieve you, and yet I
never saw anyone so altered as you within these last few days. You
haven't a good word for anybody - friends and strangers, equals and
inferiors - it's all the same. I do wish you'd try to check it.'
'Check what?'
'Why, your strange temper. You don't know how it spoils you. I'm
sure a finer disposition than yours by nature could not be, if
you'd let it have fair play: so you've no excuse that way.'
While she thus remonstrated, I took up a book, and laying it open
on the table before me, pretended to be deeply absorbed in its
perusal, for I was equally unable to justify myself and unwilling
to acknowledge my errors; and I wished to have nothing to say on
the matter. But my excellent parent went on lecturing, and then
came to coaxing, and began to stroke my hair; and I was getting to
feel quite a good boy, but my mischievous brother, who was idling
about the room, revived my corruption by suddenly calling out, -
'Don't touch him, mother! he'll bite! He's a very tiger in human
form. I've given him up for my part - fairly disowned him - cast
him off, root and branch. It's as much as my life is worth to come
within six yards of him. The other day he nearly fractured my
skull for singing a pretty, inoffensive love-song, on purpose to
amuse him.'
'Oh, Gilbert! how could you?' exclaimed my mother.
'I told you to hold your noise first, you know, Fergus,' said I.
'Yes, but when I assured you it was no trouble and went on with the
next verse, thinking you might like it better, you clutched me by
the shoulder and dashed me away, right against the wall there, with
such force that I thought I had bitten my tongue in two, and
expected to see the place plastered with my brains; and when I put
my hand to my head, and found my skull not broken, I thought it was
a miracle, and no mistake. But, poor fellow!' added he, with a
sentimental sigh - 'his heart's broken - that's the truth of it -
and his head's - '
'Will you be silent NOW?' cried I, starting up, and eyeing the
fellow so fiercely that my mother, thinking I meant to inflict some
grievous bodily injury, laid her hand on my arm, and besought me to
let him alone, and he walked leisurely out, with his hands in his
pockets, singing provokingly - 'Shall I, because a woman's fair,'
&c.
'I'm not going to defile my fingers with him,' said I, in answer to
the maternal intercession. 'I wouldn't touch him with the tongs.'
I now recollected that I had business with Robert Wilson,
concerning the purchase of a certain field adjoining my farm - a
business I had been putting off from day to day; for I had no
interest in anything now; and besides, I was misanthropically
inclined, and, moreover, had a particular objection to meeting Jane
Wilson or her mother; for though I had too good reason, now, to
credit their reports concerning Mrs. Graham, I did not like them a
bit the better for it - or Eliza Millward either - and the thought
of meeting them was the more repugnant to me that I could not, now,
defy their seeming calumnies and triumph in my own convictions as
before. But to-day I determined to make an effort to return to my
duty. Though I found no pleasure in it, it would be less irksome
than idleness - at all events it would be more profitable. If life
promised no enjoyment within my vocation, at least it offered no
allurements out of it; and henceforth I would put my shoulder to
the wheel and toil away, like any poor drudge of a cart-horse that
was fairly broken in to its labour, and plod through life, not
wholly useless if not agreeable, and uncomplaining if not contented
with my lot.
Thus resolving, with a kind of sullen resignation, if such a term
may be allowed, I wended my way to Ryecote Farm, scarcely expecting
to find its owner within at this time of day, but hoping to learn
in what part of the premises he was most likely to be found.
Absent he was, but expected home in a few minutes; and I was
desired to step into the parlour and wait. Mrs. Wilson was busy in
the kitchen, but the room was not empty; and I scarcely checked an
involuntary recoil as I entered it; for there sat Miss Wilson
chattering with Eliza Millward. However, I determined to be cool
and civil. Eliza seemed to have made the same resolution on her
part. We had not met since the evening of the tea-party; but there
was no visible emotion either of pleasure or pain, no attempt at
pathos, no display of injured pride: she was cool in temper, civil
in demeanour. There was even an ease and cheerfulness about her
air and manner that I made no pretension to; but there was a depth
of malice in her too expressive eye that plainly told me I was not
forgiven; for, though she no longer hoped to win me to herself, she
still hated her rival, and evidently delighted to wreak her spite
on me. On the other hand, Miss Wilson was as affable and courteous
as heart could wish, and though I was in no very conversable humour
myself, the two ladies between them managed to keep up a pretty
continuous fire of small talk. But Eliza took advantage of the
first convenient pause to ask if I had lately seen Mrs. Graham, in
a tone of merely casual inquiry, but with a sidelong glance -
intended to be playfully mischievous - really, brimful and running
over with malice.
'Not lately,' I replied, in a careless tone, but sternly repelling
her odious glances with my eyes; for I was vexed to feel the colour
mounting to my forehead, despite my strenuous efforts to appear
unmoved.
'What! are you beginning to tire already? I thought so noble a
creature would have power to attach you for a year at least!'
'I would rather not speak of her now.'
'Ah! then you are convinced, at last, of your mistake - you have at
length discovered that your divinity is not quite the immaculate -
'
'I desired you not to speak of her, Miss Eliza.'
'Oh, I beg your pardon! I perceive Cupid's arrows have been too
sharp for you: the wounds, being more than skin-deep, are not yet
healed, and bleed afresh at every mention of the loved one's name.'
'Say, rather,' interposed Miss Wilson, 'that Mr. Markham feels that
name is unworthy to be mentioned in the presence of right-minded
females. I wonder, Eliza, you should think of referring to that
unfortunate person - you might know the mention of her would be
anything but agreeable to any one here present.'
How could this be borne? I rose and was about to clap my hat upon
my head and burst away, in wrathful indignation from the house; but
recollecting - just in time to save my dignity - the folly of such
a proceeding, and how it would only give my fair tormentors a merry
laugh at my expense, for the sake of one I acknowledged in my own
heart to be unworthy of the slightest sacrifice - though the ghost
of my former reverence and love so hung about me still, that I
could not bear to hear her name aspersed by others - I merely
walked to the window, and having spent a few seconds in vengibly
biting my lips and sternly repressing the passionate heavings of my
chest, I observed to Miss Wilson, that I could see nothing of her
brother, and added that, as my time was precious, it would perhaps
be better to call again to-morrow, at some time when I should be
sure to find him at home.
'Oh, no!' said she; 'if you wait a minute, he will be sure to come;
for he has business at L-' (that was our market-town), 'and will
require a little refreshment before he goes.'
I submitted accordingly, with the best grace I could; and, happily,
I had not long to wait. Mr. Wilson soon arrived, and, indisposed
for business as I was at that moment, and little as I cared for the
field or its owner, I forced my attention to the matter in hand,
with very creditable determination, and quickly concluded the
bargain - perhaps more to the thrifty farmer's satisfaction than he
cared to acknowledge. Then, leaving him to the discussion of his
substantial 'refreshment,' I gladly quitted the house, and went to
look after my reapers.
Leaving them busy at work on the side of the valley, I ascended the
hill, intending to visit a corn-field in the more elevated regions,
and see when it would be ripe for the sickle. But I did not visit
it that day; for, as I approached, I beheld, at no great distance,
Mrs. Graham and her son coming down in the opposite direction.
They saw me; and Arthur already was running to meet me; but I
immediately turned back and walked steadily homeward; for I had
fully determined never to encounter his mother again; and
regardless of the shrill voice in my ear, calling upon me to 'wait
a moment,' I pursued the even tenor of my way; and he soon
relinquished the pursuit as hopeless, or was called away by his
mother. At all events, when I looked back, five minutes after, not
a trace of either was to be seen.
This incident agitated and disturbed me most unaccountably - unless
you would account for it by saying that Cupid's arrows not only had
been too sharp for me, but they were barbed and deeply rooted, and
I had not yet been able to wrench them from my heart. However that
be, I was rendered doubly miserable for the remainder of the day.
CHAPTER XIV
Next morning, I bethought me, I, too, had business at L-; so I
mounted my horse, and set forth on the expedition soon after
breakfast. It was a dull, drizzly day; but that was no matter: it
was all the more suitable to my frame of mind. It was likely to be
a lonely journey; for it was no market-day, and the road I
traversed was little frequented at any other time; but that suited
me all the better too.
As I trotted along, however, chewing the cud of - bitter fancies, I
heard another horse at no great distance behind me; but I never
conjectured who the rider might be, or troubled my head about him,
till, on slackening my pace to ascend a gentle acclivity, or
rather, suffering my horse to slacken his pace into a lazy walk -
for, rapt in my own reflections, I was letting it jog on as
leisurely as it thought proper - I lost ground, and my fellowtraveller
overtook me. He accosted me by name, for it was no
stranger - it was Mr. Lawrence! Instinctively the fingers of my
whip-hand tingled, and grasped their charge with convulsive energy;
but I restrained the impulse, and answering his salutation with a
nod, attempted to push on; but he pushed on beside me, and began to
talk about the weather and the crops. I gave the briefest possible
answers to his queries and observations, and fell back. He fell
back too, and asked if my horse was lame. I replied with a look,
at which he placidly smiled.
I was as much astonished as exasperated at this singular
pertinacity and imperturbable assurance on his part. I had thought
the circumstances of our last meeting would have left such an
impression on his mind as to render him cold and distant ever
after: instead of that, he appeared not only to have forgotten all
former offences, but to be impenetrable to all present
incivilities. Formerly, the slightest hint, or mere fancied
coldness in tone or glance, had sufficed to repulse him: now,
positive rudeness could not drive him away. Had he heard of my
disappointment; and was he come to witness the result, and triumph
in my despair? I grasped my whip with more determined energy than
before - but still forbore to raise it, and rode on in silence,
waiting for some more tangible cause of offence, before I opened
the floodgates of my soul and poured out the dammed-up fury that
was foaming and swelling within.
'Markham,' said he, in his usual quiet tone, 'why do you quarrel
with your friends, because you have been disappointed in one
quarter? You have found your hopes defeated; but how am I to blame
for it? I warned you beforehand, you know, but you would not - '
He said no more; for, impelled by some fiend at my elbow, I had
seized my whip by the small end, and - swift and sudden as a flash
of lightning - brought the other down upon his head. It was not
without a feeling of savage satisfaction that I beheld the instant,
deadly pallor that overspread his face, and the few red drops that
trickled down his forehead, while he reeled a moment in his saddle,
and then fell backward to the ground. The pony, surprised to be so
strangely relieved of its burden, started and capered, and kicked a
little, and then made use of its freedom to go and crop the grass
of the hedge-bank: while its master lay as still and silent as a
corpse. Had I killed him? - an icy hand seemed to grasp my heart
and check its pulsation, as I bent over him, gazing with breathless
intensity upon the ghastly, upturned face. But no; he moved his
eyelids and uttered a slight groan. I breathed again - he was only
stunned by the fall. It served him right - it would teach him
better manners in future. Should I help him to his horse? No.
For any other combination of offences I would; but his were too
unpardonable. He might mount it himself, if he liked - in a while:
already he was beginning to stir and look about him - and there it
was for him, quietly browsing on the road-side.
So with a muttered execration I left the fellow to his fate, and
clapping spurs to my own horse, galloped away, excited by a
combination of feelings it would not be easy to analyse; and
perhaps, if I did so, the result would not be very creditable to my
disposition; for I am not sure that a species of exultation in what
I had done was not one principal concomitant.
Shortly, however, the effervescence began to abate, and not many
minutes elapsed before I had turned and gone back to look after the
fate of my victim. It was no generous impulse - no kind relentings
that led me to this - nor even the fear of what might be the
consequences to myself, if I finished my assault upon the squire by
leaving him thus neglected, and exposed to further injury; it was,
simply, the voice of conscience; and I took great credit to myself
for attending so promptly to its dictates - and judging the merit
of the deed by the sacrifice it cost, I was not far wrong.
Mr. Lawrence and his pony had both altered their positions in some
degree. The pony had wandered eight or ten yards further away; and
he had managed, somehow, to remove himself from the middle of the
road: I found him seated in a recumbent position on the bank, -
looking very white and sickly still, and holding his cambric
handkerchief (now more red than white) to his head. It must have
been a powerful blow; but half the credit - or the blame of it
(which you please) must be attributed to the whip, which was
garnished with a massive horse's head of plated metal. The grass,
being sodden with rain, afforded the young gentleman a rather
inhospitable couch; his clothes were considerably bemired; and his
hat was rolling in the mud on the other side of the road. But his
thoughts seemed chiefly bent upon his pony, on which he was
wistfully gazing - half in helpless anxiety, and half in hopeless
abandonment to his fate.
I dismounted, however, and having fastened my own animal to the
nearest tree, first picked up his hat, intending to clap it on his
head; but either he considered his head unfit for a hat, or the
hat, in its present condition, unfit for his head; for shrinking
away the one, he took the other from my hand, and scornfully cast
it aside.
'It's good enough for you,' I muttered.
My next good office was to catch his pony and bring it to him,
which was soon accomplished; for the beast was quiet enough in the
main, and only winced and flirted a trifle till I got hold of the
bridle - but then, I must see him in the saddle.
'Here, you fellow - scoundrel - dog - give me your hand, and I'll
help you to mount.'
No; he turned from me in disgust. I attempted to take him by the
arm. He shrank away as if there had been contamination in my
touch.
'What, you won't! Well! you may sit there till doomsday, for what
I care. But I suppose you don't want to lose all the blood in your
body - I'll just condescend to bind that up for you.'
'Let me alone, if you please.'
'Humph; with all my heart. You may go to the d-l, if you choose -
and say I sent you.'
But before I abandoned him to his fate I flung his pony's bridle
over a stake in the hedge, and threw him my handkerchief, as his
own was now saturated with blood. He took it and cast it back to
me in abhorrence and contempt, with all the strength he could
muster. It wanted but this to fill the measure of his offences.
With execrations not loud but deep I left him to live or die as he
could, well satisfied that I had done my duty in attempting to save
him - but forgetting how I had erred in bringing him into such a
condition, and how insultingly my after-services had been offered -
and sullenly prepared to meet the consequences if he should choose
to say I had attempted to murder him - which I thought not
unlikely, as it seemed probable he was actuated by such spiteful
motives in so perseveringly refusing my assistance.
Having remounted my horse, I just looked back to see how he was
getting on, before I rode away. He had risen from the ground, and
grasping his pony's mane, was attempting to resume his seat in the
saddle; but scarcely had he put his foot in the stirrup, when a
sickness or dizziness seemed to overpower him: he leant forward a
moment, with his head drooped on the animal's back, and then made
one more effort, which proving ineffectual, he sank back on the
bank, where I left him, reposing his head on the oozy turf, and to
all appearance, as calmly reclining as if he had been taking his
rest on his sofa at home.
I ought to have helped him in spite of himself - to have bound up
the wound he was unable to staunch, and insisted upon getting him
on his horse and seeing him safe home; but, besides my bitter
indignation against himself, there was the question what to say to
his servants - and what to my own family. Either I should have to
acknowledge the deed, which would set me down as a madman, unless I
acknowledged the motive too - and that seemed impossible - or I
must get up a lie, which seemed equally out of the question -
especially as Mr. Lawrence would probably reveal the whole truth,
and thereby bring me to tenfold disgrace - unless I were villain
enough, presuming on the absence of witnesses, to persist in my own
version of the case, and make him out a still greater scoundrel
than he was. No; he had only received a cut above the temple, and
perhaps a few bruises from the fall, or the hoofs of his own pony:
that could not kill him if he lay there half the day; and, if he
could not help himself, surely some one would be coming by: it
would be impossible that a whole day should pass and no one
traverse the road but ourselves. As for what he might choose to
say hereafter, I would take my chance about it: if he told lies, I
would contradict him; if he told the truth, I would bear it as best
I could. I was not obliged to enter into explanations further than
I thought proper. Perhaps he might choose to be silent on the
subject, for fear of raising inquiries as to the cause of the
quarrel, and drawing the public attention to his connection with
Mrs. Graham, which, whether for her sake or his own, he seemed so
very desirous to conceal.
Thus reasoning, I trotted away to the town, where I duly transacted
my business, and performed various little commissions for my mother
and Rose, with very laudable exactitude, considering the different
circumstances of the case. In returning home, I was troubled with
sundry misgivings about the unfortunate Lawrence. The question,
What if I should find him lying still on the damp earth, fairly
dying of cold and exhaustion - or already stark and chill? thrust
itself most unpleasantly upon my mind, and the appalling
possibility pictured itself with painful vividness to my
imagination as I approached the spot where I had left him. But no,
thank heaven, both man and horse were gone, and nothing was left to
witness against me but two objects - unpleasant enough in
themselves to be sure, and presenting a very ugly, not to say
murderous appearance - in one place, the hat saturated with rain
and coated with mud, indented and broken above the brim by that
villainous whip-handle; in another, the crimson handkerchief,
soaking in a deeply tinctured pool of water - for much rain had
fallen in the interim.
Bad news flies fast: it was hardly four o'clock when I got home,
but my mother gravely accosted me with - 'Oh, Gilbert! - Such an
accident! Rose has been shopping in the village, and she's heard
that Mr. Lawrence has been thrown from his horse and brought home
dying!'
This shocked me a trifle, as you may suppose; but I was comforted
to hear that he had frightfully fractured his skull and broken a
leg; for, assured of the falsehood of this, I trusted the rest of
the story was equally exaggerated; and when I heard my mother and
sister so feelingly deploring his condition, I had considerable
difficulty in preventing myself from telling them the real extent
of the injuries, as far as I knew them.
'You must go and see him to-morrow,' said my mother.
'Or to-day,' suggested Rose: 'there's plenty of time; and you can
have the pony, as your horse is tired. Won't you, Gilbert - as
soon as you've had something to eat?'
'No, no - how can we tell that it isn't all a false report? It's
highly im-'
'Oh, I'm sure it isn't; for the village is all alive about it; and
I saw two people that had seen others that had seen the man that
found him. That sounds far-fetched; but it isn't so when you think
of it.'
'Well, but Lawrence is a good rider; it is not likely he would fall
from his horse at all; and if he did, it is highly improbable he
would break his bones in that way. It must be a gross exaggeration
at least.'
'No; but the horse kicked him - or something.'
'What, his quiet little pony?'
'How do you know it was that?'
'He seldom rides any other.'
'At any rate,' said my mother, 'you will call to-morrow. Whether
it be true or false, exaggerated or otherwise, we shall like to
know how he is.'
'Fergus may go.'
'Why not you?'
'He has more time. I am busy just now.'
'Oh! but, Gilbert, how can you be so composed about it? You won't
mind business for an hour or two in a case of this sort, when your
friend is at the point of death.'
'He is not, I tell you.'
'For anything you know, he may be: you can't tell till you have
seen him. At all events, he must have met with some terrible
accident, and you ought to see him: he'll take it very unkind if
you don't.'
'Confound it! I can't. He and I have not been on good terms of
late.'
'Oh, my dear boy! Surely, surely you are not so unforgiving as to
carry your little differences to such a length as - '
'Little differences, indeed!' I muttered.
'Well, but only remember the occasion. Think how - '
'Well, well, don't bother me now - I'll see about it,' I replied.
And my seeing about it was to send Fergus next morning, with my
mother's compliments, to make the requisite inquiries; for, of
course, my going was out of the question - or sending a message
either. He brought back intelligence that the young squire was
laid up with the complicated evils of a broken head and certain
contusions (occasioned by a fall - of which he did not trouble
himself to relate the particulars - and the subsequent misconduct
of his horse), and a severe cold, the consequence of lying on the
wet ground in the rain; but there were no broken bones, and no
immediate prospects of dissolution.
It was evident, then, that for Mrs. Graham's sake it was not his
intention to criminate me.
CHAPTER XV
That day was rainy like its predecessor; but towards evening it
began to clear up a little, and the next morning was fair and
promising. I was out on the hill with the reapers. A light wind
swept over the corn, and all nature laughed in the sunshine. The
lark was rejoicing among the silvery floating clouds. The late
rain had so sweetly freshened and cleared the air, and washed the
sky, and left such glittering gems on branch and blade, that not
even the farmers could have the heart to blame it. But no ray of
sunshine could reach my heart, no breeze could freshen it; nothing
could fill the void my faith, and hope, and joy in Helen Graham had
left, or drive away the keen regrets and bitter dregs of lingering
love that still oppressed it.
While I stood with folded arms abstractedly gazing on the
undulating swell of the corn, not yet disturbed by the reapers,
something gently pulled my skirts, and a small voice, no longer
welcome to my ears, aroused me with the startling words, - 'Mr.
Markham, mamma wants you.'
'Wants me, Arthur?'
'Yes. Why do you look so queer?' said he, half laughing, half
frightened at the unexpected aspect of my face in suddenly turning
towards him, - 'and why have you kept so long away? Come! Won't
you come?'
'I'm busy just now,' I replied, scarce knowing what to answer.
He looked up in childish bewilderment; but before I could speak
again the lady herself was at my side.
'Gilbert, I must speak with you!' said she, in a tone of suppressed
vehemence.
I looked at her pale cheek and glittering eye, but answered
nothing.
'Only for a moment,' pleaded she. 'Just step aside into this other
field.' She glanced at the reapers, some of whom were directing
looks of impertinent curiosity towards her. 'I won't keep you a
minute.'
I accompanied her through the gap.
'Arthur, darling, run and gather those bluebells,' said she,
pointing to some that were gleaming at some distance under the
hedge along which we walked. The child hesitated, as if unwilling
to quit my side. 'Go, love!' repeated she more urgently, and in a
tone which, though not unkind, demanded prompt obedience, and
obtained it.
'Well, Mrs. Graham?' said I, calmly and coldly; for, though I saw
she was miserable, and pitied her, I felt glad to have it in my
power to torment her.
She fixed her eyes upon me with a look that pierced me to the
heart; and yet it made me smile.
'I don't ask the reason of this change, Gilbert,' said she, with
bitter calmness: 'I know it too well; but though I could see
myself suspected and condemned by every one else, and bear it with
calmness, I cannot endure it from you. - Why did you not come to
hear my explanation on the day I appointed to give it?'
'Because I happened, in the interim, to learn all you would have
told me - and a trifle more, I imagine.'
'Impossible, for I would have told you all!' cried she,
passionately - 'but I won't now, for I see you are not worthy of
it!'
And her pale lips quivered with agitation.
'Why not, may I ask?'
She repelled my mocking smile with a glance of scornful
indignation.
'Because you never understood me, or you would not soon have
listened to my traducers - my confidence would be misplaced in you
- you are not the man I thought you. Go! I won't care what you
think of me.'
She turned away, and I went; for I thought that would torment her
as much as anything; and I believe I was right; for, looking back a
minute after, I saw her turn half round, as if hoping or expecting
to find me still beside her; and then she stood still, and cast one
look behind. It was a look less expressive of anger than of bitter
anguish and despair; but I immediately assumed an aspect of
indifference, and affected to be gazing carelessly around me, and I
suppose she went on; for after lingering awhile to see if she would
come back or call, I ventured one more glance, and saw her a good
way off, moving rapidly up the field, with little Arthur running by
her side and apparently talking as he went; but she kept her face
averted from him, as if to hide some uncontrollable emotion. And I
returned to my business.
But I soon began to regret my precipitancy in leaving her so soon.
It was evident she loved me - probably she was tired of Mr.
Lawrence, and wished to exchange him for me; and if I had loved and
reverenced her less to begin with, the preference might have
gratified and amused me; but now the contrast between her outward
seeming and her inward mind, as I supposed, - between my former and
my present opinion of her, was so harrowing - so distressing to my
feelings, that it swallowed up every lighter consideration.
But still I was curious to know what sort of an explanation she
would have given me - or would give now, if I pressed her for it -
how much she would confess, and how she would endeavour to excuse
herself. I longed to know what to despise, and what to admire in
her; how much to pity, and how much to hate; - and, what was more,
I would know. I would see her once more, and fairly satisfy myself
in what light to regard her, before we parted. Lost to me she was,
for ever, of course; but still I could not bear to think that we
had parted, for the last time, with so much unkindness and misery
on both sides. That last look of hers had sunk into my heart; I
could not forget it. But what a fool I was! Had she not deceived
me, injured me - blighted my happiness for life? 'Well, I'll see
her, however,' was my concluding resolve, 'but not to-day: to-day
and to-night she may think upon her sins, and be as miserable as
she will: to-morrow I will see her once again, and know something
more about her. The interview may be serviceable to her, or it may
not. At any rate, it will give a breath of excitement to the life
she has doomed to stagnation, and may calm with certainty some
agitating thoughts.'
I did go on the morrow, but not till towards evening, after the
business of the day was concluded, that is, between six and seven;
and the westering sun was gleaming redly on the old Hall, and
flaming in the latticed windows, as I reached it, imparting to the
place a cheerfulness not its own. I need not dilate upon the
feelings with which I approached the shrine of my former divinity -
that spot teeming with a thousand delightful recollections and
glorious dreams - all darkened now by one disastrous truth
Rachel admitted me into the parlour, and went to call her mistress,
for she was not there: but there was her desk left open on the
little round table beside the high-backed chair, with a book laid
upon it. Her limited but choice collection of books was almost as
familiar to me as my own; but this volume I had not seen before. I
took it up. It was Sir Humphry Davy's 'Last Days of a
Philosopher,' and on the first leaf was written, 'Frederick
Lawrence.' I closed the book, but kept it in my hand, and stood
facing the door, with my back to the fire-place, calmly waiting her
arrival; for I did not doubt she would come. And soon I heard her
step in the hall. My heart was beginning to throb, but I checked
it with an internal rebuke, and maintained my composure - outwardly
at least. She entered, calm, pale, collected.
'To what am I indebted for this favour, Mr. Markham?' said she,
with such severe but quiet dignity as almost disconcerted me; but I
answered with a smile, and impudently enough, -
'Well, I am come to hear your explanation.'
'I told you I would not give it,' said she. 'I said you were
unworthy of my confidence.'
'Oh, very well,' replied I, moving to the door.
'Stay a moment,' said she. 'This is the last time I shall see you:
don't go just yet.'
I remained, awaiting her further commands.
'Tell me,' resumed she, 'on what grounds you believe these things
against me; who told you; and what did they say?'
I paused a moment. She met my eye as unflinchingly as if her bosom
had been steeled with conscious innocence. She was resolved to
know the worst, and determined to dare it too. 'I can crush that
bold spirit,' thought I. But while I secretly exulted in my power,
I felt disposed to dally with my victim like a cat. Showing her
the book that I still held, in my hand, and pointing to the name on
the fly-leaf, but fixing my eye upon her face, I asked, - 'Do you
know that gentleman?'
'Of course I do,' replied she; and a sudden flush suffused her
features - whether of shame or anger I could not tell: it rather
resembled the latter. 'What next, sir?'
'How long is it since you saw him?'
'Who gave you the right to catechize me on this or any other
subject?'
'Oh, no one! - it's quite at your option whether to answer or not.
And now, let me ask - have you heard what has lately befallen this
friend of yours? - because, if you have not - '
'I will not be insulted, Mr. Markham!' cried she, almost infuriated
at my manner. 'So you had better leave the house at once, if you
came only for that.'
'I did not come to insult you: I came to hear your explanation.'
'And I tell you I won't give it!' retorted she, pacing the room in
a state of strong excitement, with her hands clasped tightly
together, breathing short, and flashing fires of indignation from
her eyes. 'I will not condescend to explain myself to one that can
make a jest of such horrible suspicions, and be so easily led to
entertain them.'
'I do not make a jest of them, Mrs. Graham,' returned I, dropping
at once my tone of taunting sarcasm. 'I heartily wish I could find
them a jesting matter. And as to being easily led to suspect, God
only knows what a blind, incredulous fool I have hitherto been,
perseveringly shutting my eyes and stopping my ears against
everything that threatened to shake my confidence in you, till
proof itself confounded my infatuation!'
'What proof, sir?'
'Well, I'll tell you. You remember that evening when I was here
last?'
'I do.'
'Even then you dropped some hints that might have opened the eyes
of a wiser man; but they had no such effect upon me: I went on
trusting and believing, hoping against hope, and adoring where I
could not comprehend. It so happened, however, that after I left
you I turned back - drawn by pure depth of sympathy and ardour of
affection - not daring to intrude my presence openly upon you, but
unable to resist the temptation of catching one glimpse through the
window, just to see how you were: for I had left you apparently in
great affliction, and I partly blamed my own want of forbearance
and discretion as the cause of it. If I did wrong, love alone was
my incentive, and the punishment was severe enough; for it was just
as I had reached that tree, that you came out into the garden with
your friend. Not choosing to show myself, under the circumstances,
I stood still, in the shadow, till you had both passed by.'
'And how much of our conversation did you hear?'
'I heard quite enough, Helen. And it was well for me that I did
hear it; for nothing less could have cured my infatuation. I
always said and thought, that I would never believe a word against
you, unless I heard it from your own lips. All the hints and
affirmations of others I treated as malignant, baseless slanders;
your own self-accusations I believed to be overstrained; and all
that seemed unaccountable in your position I trusted that you could
account for if you chose.'
Mrs. Graham had discontinued her walk. She leant against one end
of the chimney-piece, opposite that near which I was standing, with
her chin resting on her closed hand, her eyes - no longer burning
with anger, but gleaming with restless excitement - sometimes
glancing at me while I spoke, then coursing the opposite wall, or
fixed upon the carpet.
'You should have come to me after all,' said she, 'and heard what I
had to say in my own justification. It was ungenerous and wrong to
withdraw yourself so secretly and suddenly, immediately after such
ardent protestations of attachment, without ever assigning a reason
for the change. You should have told me all-no matter how
bitterly. It would have been better than this silence.'
'To what end should I have done so? You could not have enlightened
me further, on the subject which alone concerned me; nor could you
have made me discredit the evidence of my senses. I desired our
intimacy to be discontinued at once, as you yourself had
acknowledged would probably be the case if I knew all; but I did
not wish to upbraid you, - though (as you also acknowledged) you
had deeply wronged me. Yes, you have done me an injury you can
never repair - or any other either - you have blighted the
freshness and promise of youth, and made my life a wilderness! I
might live a hundred years, but I could never recover from the
effects of this withering blow - and never forget it! Hereafter -
You smile, Mrs. Graham,' said I, suddenly stopping short, checked
in my passionate declamation by unutterable feelings to behold her
actually smiling at the picture of the ruin she had wrought.
'Did I?' replied she, looking seriously up; 'I was not aware of it.
If I did, it was not for pleasure at the thoughts of the harm I had
done you. Heaven knows I have had torment enough at the bare
possibility of that; it was for joy to find that you had some depth
of soul and feeling after all, and to hope that I had not been
utterly mistaken in your worth. But smiles and tears are so alike
with me, they are neither of them confined to any particular
feelings: I often cry when I am happy, and smile when I am sad.'
She looked at me again, and seemed to expect a reply; but I
continued silent.
'Would you be very glad,' resumed she, 'to find that you were
mistaken in your conclusions?'
'How can you ask it, Helen?'
'I don't say I can clear myself altogether,' said she, speaking low
and fast, while her heart beat visibly and her bosom heaved with
excitement, - 'but would you be glad to discover I was better than
you think me?'
'Anything that could in the least degree tend to restore my former
opinion of you, to excuse the regard I still feel for you, and
alleviate the pangs of unutterable regret that accompany it, would
be only too gladly, too eagerly received!' Her cheeks burned, and
her whole frame trembled, now, with excess of agitation. She did
not speak, but flew to her desk, and snatching thence what seemed a
thick album or manuscript volume, hastily tore away a few leaves
from the end, and thrust the rest into my hand, saying, 'You
needn't read it all; but take it home with you,' and hurried from
the room. But when I had left the house, and was proceeding down
the walk, she opened the window and called me back. It was only to
say, - 'Bring it back when you have read it; and don't breathe a
word of what it tells you to any living being. I trust to your
honour.'
Before I could answer she had closed the casement and turned away.
I saw her cast herself back in the old oak chair, and cover her
face with her hands. Her feelings had been wrought to a pitch that
rendered it necessary to seek relief in tears.
Panting with eagerness, and struggling to suppress my hopes, I
hurried home, and rushed up-stairs to my room, having first
provided myself with a candle, though it was scarcely twilight yet
- then, shut and bolted the door, determined to tolerate no
interruption; and sitting down before the table, opened out my
prize and delivered myself up to its perusal - first hastily
turning over the leaves and snatching a sentence here and there,
and then setting myself steadily to read it through.
I have it now before me; and though you could not, of course,
peruse it with half the interest that I did, I know you would not
be satisfied with an abbreviation of its contents, and you shall
have the whole, save, perhaps, a few passages here and there of
merely temporary interest to the writer, or such as would serve to
encumber the story rather than elucidate it. It begins somewhat
abruptly, thus - but we will reserve its commencement for another
chapter.
CHAPTER XVI
June 1st, 1821. - We have just returned to Staningley - that is, we
returned some days ago, and I am not yet settled, and feel as if I
never should be. We left town sooner than was intended, in
consequence of my uncle's indisposition; - I wonder what would have
been the result if we had stayed the full time. I am quite ashamed
of my new-sprung distaste for country life. All my former
occupations seem so tedious and dull, my former amusements so
insipid and unprofitable. I cannot enjoy my music, because there
is no one to hear it. I cannot enjoy my walks, because there is no
one to meet. I cannot enjoy my books, because they have not power
to arrest my attention: my head is so haunted with the
recollections of the last few weeks, that I cannot attend to them.
My drawing suits me best, for I can draw and think at the same
time; and if my productions cannot now be seen by any one but
myself, and those who do not care about them, they, possibly, may
be, hereafter. But, then, there is one face I am always trying to
paint or to sketch, and always without success; and that vexes me.
As for the owner of that face, I cannot get him out of my mind -
and, indeed, I never try. I wonder whether he ever thinks of me;
and I wonder whether I shall ever see him again. And then might
follow a train of other wonderments - questions for time and fate
to answer - concluding with - Supposing all the rest be answered in
the affirmative, I wonder whether I shall ever repent it? as my
aunt would tell me I should, if she knew what I was thinking about.
How distinctly I remember our conversation that evening before our
departure for town, when we were sitting together over the fire, my
uncle having gone to bed with a slight attack of the gout.
'Helen,' said she, after a thoughtful silence, 'do you ever think
about marriage?'
'Yes, aunt, often.'
'And do you ever contemplate the possibility of being married
yourself, or engaged, before the season is over?'
'Sometimes; but I don't think it at all likely that I ever shall.'
'Why so?'
'Because, I imagine, there must be only a very, very few men in the
world that I should like to marry; and of those few, it is ten to
one I may never be acquainted with one; or if I should, it is
twenty to one he may not happen to be single, or to take a fancy to
me.'
'That is no argument at all. It may be very true - and I hope is
true, that there are very few men whom you would choose to marry,
of yourself. It is not, indeed, to be supposed that you would wish
to marry any one till you were asked: a girl's affections should
never be won unsought. But when they are sought - when the citadel
of the heart is fairly besieged - it is apt to surrender sooner
than the owner is aware of, and often against her better judgment,
and in opposition to all her preconceived ideas of what she could
have loved, unless she be extremely careful and discreet. Now, I
want to warn you, Helen, of these things, and to exhort you to be
watchful and circumspect from the very commencement of your career,
and not to suffer your heart to be stolen from you by the first
foolish or unprincipled person that covets the possession of it. -
You know, my dear, you are only just eighteen; there is plenty of
time before you, and neither your uncle nor I are in any hurry to
get you off our hands, and I may venture to say, there will be no
lack of suitors; for you can boast a good family, a pretty
considerable fortune and expectations, and, I may as well tell you
likewise - for, if I don't, others will - that you have a fair
share of beauty besides - and I hope you may never have cause to
regret it!'
'I hope not, aunt; but why should you fear it?'
'Because, my dear, beauty is that quality which, next to money, is
generally the most attractive to the worst kinds of men; and,
therefore, it is likely to entail a great deal of trouble on the
possessor.'
'Have you been troubled in that way, aunt?'
'No, Helen,' said she, with reproachful gravity, 'but I know many
that have; and some, through carelessness, have been the wretched
victims of deceit; and some, through weakness, have fallen into
snares and temptations terrible to relate.'
'Well, I shall be neither careless nor weak.'
'Remember Peter, Helen! Don't boast, but watch. Keep a guard over
your eyes and ears as the inlets of your heart, and over your lips
as the outlet, lest they betray you in a moment of unwariness.
Receive, coldly and dispassionately, every attention, till you have
ascertained and duly considered the worth of the aspirant; and let
your affections be consequent upon approbation alone. First study;
then approve; then love. Let your eyes be blind to all external
attractions, your ears deaf to all the fascinations of flattery and
light discourse. - These are nothing - and worse than nothing -
snares and wiles of the tempter, to lure the thoughtless to their
own destruction. Principle is the first thing, after all; and next
to that, good sense, respectability, and moderate wealth. If you
should marry the handsomest, and most accomplished and
superficially agreeable man in the world, you little know the
misery that would overwhelm you if, after all, you should find him
to be a worthless reprobate, or even an impracticable fool.'
'But what are all the poor fools and reprobates to do, aunt? If
everybody followed your advice, the world would soon come to an
end.'
'Never fear, my dear! the male fools and reprobates will never want
for partners, while there are so many of the other sex to match
them; but do you follow my advice. And this is no subject for
jesting, Helen - I am sorry to see you treat the matter in that
light way. Believe me, matrimony is a serious thing.' And she
spoke it so seriously, that one might have fancied she had known it
to her cost; but I asked no more impertinent questions, and merely
answered, - 'I know it is; and I know there is truth and sense in
what you say; but you need not fear me, for I not only should think
it wrong to marry a man that was deficient in sense or in
principle, but I should never be tempted to do it; for I could not
like him, if he were ever so handsome, and ever so charming, in
other respects; I should hate him - despise him - pity him -
anything but love him. My affections not only ought to be founded
on approbation, but they will and must be so: for, without
approving, I cannot love. It is needless to say, I ought to be
able to respect and honour the man I marry, as well as love him,
for I cannot love him without. So set your mind at rest.'
'I hope it may be so,' answered she.
'I know it is so,' persisted I.
'You have not been tried yet, Helen - we can but hope,' said she in
her cold, cautious way.
'I was vexed at her incredulity; but I am not sure her doubts were
entirely without sagacity; I fear I have found it much easier to
remember her advice than to profit by it; - indeed, I have
sometimes been led to question the soundness of her doctrines on
those subjects. Her counsels may be good, as far as they go - in
the main points at least; - but there are some things she has
overlooked in her calculations. I wonder if she was ever in love.
I commenced my career - or my first campaign, as my uncle calls it
- kindling with bright hopes and fancies - chiefly raised by this
conversation - and full of confidence in my own discretion. At
first, I was delighted with the novelty and excitement of our
London life; but soon I began to weary of its mingled turbulence
and constraint, and sigh for the freshness and freedom of home. My
new acquaintances, both male and female, disappointed my
expectations, and vexed and depressed me by turns; I for I soon
grew tired of studying their peculiarities, and laughing at their
foibles - particularly as I was obliged to keep my criticisms to
myself, for my aunt would not hear them - and they - the ladies
especially - appeared so provokingly mindless, and heartless, and
artificial. The gentlemen scorned better, but, perhaps, it was
because I knew them less - perhaps, because they flattered me; but
I did not fall in love with any of them; and, if their attentions
pleased me one moment, they provoked me the next, because they put
me out of humour with myself, by revealing my vanity and making me
fear I was becoming like some of the ladies I so heartily despised.
There was one elderly gentleman that annoyed me very much; a rich
old friend of my uncle's, who, I believe, thought I could not do
better than marry him; but, besides being old, he was ugly and
disagreeable, - and wicked, I am sure, though my aunt scolded me
for saying so; but she allowed he was no saint. And there was
another, less hateful, but still more tiresome, because she
favoured him, and was always thrusting him upon me, and sounding
his praises in my ears - Mr. Boarham by name, Bore'em, as I prefer
spelling it, for a terrible bore he was: I shudder still at the
remembrance of his voice - drone, drone, drone, in my ear - while
he sat beside me, prosing away by the half-hour together, and
beguiling himself with the notion that he was improving my mind by
useful information, or impressing his dogmas upon me and reforming
my errors of judgment, or perhaps that he was talking down to my
level, and amusing me with entertaining discourse. Yet he was a
decent man enough in the main, I daresay; and if he had kept his
distance, I never would have hated him. As it was, it was almost
impossible to help it, for he not only bothered me with the
infliction of his own presence, but he kept me from the enjoyment
of more agreeable society.
One night, however, at a ball, he had been more than usually
tormenting, and my patience was quite exhausted. It appeared as if
the whole evening was fated to be insupportable: I had just had
one dance with an empty-headed coxcomb, and then Mr. Boarham had
come upon me and seemed determined to cling to me for the rest of
the night. He never danced himself, and there he sat, poking his
head in my face, and impressing all beholders with the idea that he
was a confirmed, acknowledged lover; my aunt looking complacently
on all the time, and wishing him God-speed. In vain I attempted to
drive him away by giving a loose to my exasperated feelings, even
to positive rudeness: nothing could convince him that his presence
was disagreeable. Sullen silence was taken for rapt attention, and
gave him greater room to talk; sharp answers were received as smart
sallies of girlish vivacity, that only required an indulgent
rebuke; and flat contradictions were but as oil to the flames,
calling forth new strains of argument to support his dogmas, and
bringing down upon me endless floods of reasoning to overwhelm me
with conviction.
But there was one present who seemed to have a better appreciation
of my frame of mind. A gentleman stood by, who had been watching
our conference for some time, evidently much amused at my
companion's remorseless pertinacity and my manifest annoyance, and
laughing to himself at the asperity and uncompromising spirit of my
replies. At length, however, he withdrew, and went to the lady of
the house, apparently for the purpose of asking an introduction to
me, for, shortly after, they both came up, and she introduced him
as Mr. Huntingdon, the son of a late friend of my uncle's. He
asked me to dance. I gladly consented, of course; and he was my
companion during the remainder of my stay, which was not long, for
my aunt, as usual, insisted upon an early departure.
I was sorry to go, for I had found my new acquaintance a very
lively and entertaining companion. There was a certain graceful
ease and freedom about all he said and did, that gave a sense of
repose and expansion to the mind, after so much constraint and
formality as I had been doomed to suffer. There might be, it is
true, a little too much careless boldness in his manner and
address, but I was in so good a humour, and so grateful for my late
deliverance from Mr. Boarham, that it did not anger me.
'Well, Helen, how do you like Mr. Boarham now?' said my aunt, as we
took our seats in the carriage and drove away.
'Worse than ever,' I replied.
She looked displeased, but said no more on that subject.
'Who was the gentleman you danced with last,' resumed she, after a
pause - 'that was so officious in helping you on with your shawl?'
'He was not officious at all, aunt: he never attempted to help me
till he saw Mr. Boarham coming to do so; and then he stepped
laughingly forward and said, "Come, I'll preserve you from that
infliction."'
'Who was it, I ask?' said she, with frigid gravity.
'It was Mr. Huntingdon, the son of uncle's old friend.'
'I have heard your uncle speak of young Mr. Huntingdon. I've heard
him say, "He's a fine lad, that young Huntingdon, but a bit
wildish, I fancy." So I'd have you beware.'
'What does "a bit wildish" mean?' I inquired.
'It means destitute of principle, and prone to every vice that is
common to youth.'
'But I've heard uncle say he was a sad wild fellow himself, when he
was young.'
She sternly shook her head.
'He was jesting then, I suppose,' said I, 'and here he was speaking
at random - at least, I cannot believe there is any harm in those
laughing blue eyes.'
'False reasoning, Helen!' said she, with a sigh.
'Well, we ought to be charitable, you know, aunt - besides, I don't
think it is false: I am an excellent physiognomist, and I always
judge of people's characters by their looks - not by whether they
are handsome or ugly, but by the general cast of the countenance.
For instance, I should know by your countenance that you were not
of a cheerful, sanguine disposition; and I should know by Mr.
Wilmot's, that he was a worthless old reprobate; and by Mr.
Boarham's, that he was not an agreeable companion; and by Mr.
Huntingdon's, that he was neither a fool nor a knave, though,
possibly, neither a sage nor a saint - but that is no matter to me,
as I am not likely to meet him again - unless as an occasional
partner in the ball-room.'
It was not so, however, for I met him again next morning. He came
to call upon my uncle, apologising for not having done so before,
by saying he was only lately returned from the Continent, and had
not heard, till the previous night, of my uncle's arrival in town;
and after that I often met him; sometimes in public, sometimes at
home; for he was very assiduous in paying his respects to his old
friend, who did not, however, consider himself greatly obliged by
the attention.
'I wonder what the deuce the lad means by coming so often,' he
would say, - 'can you tell, Helen? - Hey? He wants none o' my
company, nor I his - that's certain.'
'I wish you'd tell him so, then,' said my aunt.
'Why, what for? If I don't want him, somebody does, mayhap'
(winking at me). 'Besides, he's a pretty tidy fortune, Peggy, you
know - not such a catch as Wilmot; but then Helen won't hear of
that match: for, somehow, these old chaps don't go down with the
girls - with all their money, and their experience to boot. I'll
bet anything she'd rather have this young fellow without a penny,
than Wilmot with his house full of gold. Wouldn't you, Nell?'
'Yes, uncle; but that's not saying much for Mr. Huntingdon; for I'd
rather be an old maid and a pauper than Mrs. Wilmot.'
'And Mrs. Huntingdon? What would you rather be than Mrs.
Huntingdon - eh?'
'I'll tell you when I've considered the matter.'
'Ah! it needs consideration, then? But come, now - would you
rather be an old maid - let alone the pauper?'
'I can't tell till I'm asked.'
And I left the room immediately, to escape further examination.
But five minutes after, in looking from my window, I beheld Mr.
Boarham coming up to the door. I waited nearly half-an-hour in
uncomfortable suspense, expecting every minute to be called, and
vainly longing to hear him go. Then footsteps were heard on the
stairs, and my aunt entered the room with a solemn countenance, and
closed the door behind her.
'Here is Mr. Boarham, Helen,' said she. 'He wishes to see you.'
'Oh, aunt! - Can't you tell him I'm indisposed? - I'm sure I am -
to see him.'
'Nonsense, my dear! this is no trifling matter. He is come on a
very important errand - to ask your hand in marriage of your uncle
and me.'
'I hope my uncle and you told him it was not in your power to give
it. What right had he to ask any one before me?'
'Helen!'
'What did my uncle say?'
'He said he would not interfere in the matter; if you liked to
accept Mr. Boarham's obliging offer, you - '
'Did he say obliging offer?'
'No; he said if you liked to take him you might; and if not, you
might please yourself.'
'He said right; and what did you say?'
'It is no matter what I said. What will you say? - that is the
question. He is now waiting to ask you himself; but consider well
before you go; and if you intend to refuse him, give me your
reasons.'
'I shall refuse him, of course; but you must tell me how, for I
want to be civil and yet decided - and when I've got rid of him,
I'll give you my reasons afterwards.'
'But stay, Helen; sit down a little and compose yourself. Mr.
Boarham is in no particular hurry, for he has little doubt of your
acceptance; and I want to speak with you. Tell me, my dear, what
are your objections to him? Do you deny that he is an upright,
honourable man?'
'No.'
'Do you deny that he is sensible, sober, respectable?'
'No; he may be all this, but - '
'But, Helen! How many such men do you expect to meet with in the
world? Upright, honourable, sensible, sober, respectable! Is this
such an every-day character that you should reject the possessor of
such noble qualities without a moment's hesitation? Yes, noble I
may call them; for think of the full meaning of each, and how many
inestimable virtues they include (and I might add many more to the
list), and consider that all this is laid at your feet. It is in
your power to secure this inestimable blessing for life - a worthy
and excellent husband, who loves you tenderly, but not too fondly
so as to blind him to your faults, and will be your guide
throughout life's pilgrimage, and your partner in eternal bliss.
Think how - '
'But I hate him, aunt,' said I, interrupting this unusual flow of
eloquence.
'Hate him, Helen! Is this a Christian spirit? - you hate him? and
he so good a man!'
'I don't hate him as a man, but as a husband. As a man, I love him
so much that I wish him a better wife than I - one as good as
himself, or better - if you think that possible - provided she
could like him; but I never could, and therefore - '
'But why not? What objection do you find?'
'Firstly, he is at least forty years old - considerably more, I
should think - and I am but eighteen; secondly, he is narrow-minded
and bigoted in the extreme; thirdly, his tastes and feelings are
wholly dissimilar to mine; fourthly, his looks, voice, and manner
are particularly displeasing to me; and, finally, I have an
aversion to his whole person that I never can surmount.'
'Then you ought to surmount it. And please to compare him for a
moment with Mr. Huntingdon, and, good looks apart (which contribute
nothing to the merit of the man, or to the happiness of married
life, and which you have so often professed to hold in light
esteem), tell me which is the better man.'
'I have no doubt Mr. Huntingdon is a much better man than you think
him; but we are not talking about him now, but about Mr. Boarham;
and as I would rather grow, live, and die in single blessedness -
than be his wife, it is but right that I should tell him so at
once, and put him out of suspense - so let me go.'
'But don't give him a flat denial; he has no idea of such a thing,
and it would offend him greatly: say you have no thoughts of
matrimony at present - '
'But I have thoughts of it.'
'Or that you desire a further acquaintance.'
'But I don't desire a further acquaintance - quite the contrary.'
And without waiting for further admonitions I left the room and
went to seek Mr. Boarham. He was walking up and down the drawingroom,
humming snatches of tunes and nibbling the end of his cane.
'My dear young lady,' said he, bowing and smirking with great
complacency, 'I have your kind guardian's permission - '
'I know, sir,' said I, wishing to shorten the scene as much as
possible, 'and I am greatly obliged for your preference, but must
beg to decline the honour you wish to confer, for I think we were
not made for each other, as you yourself would shortly discover if
the experiment were tried.'
My aunt was right. It was quite evident he had had little doubt of
my acceptance, and no idea of a positive denial. He was amazed,
astounded at such an answer, but too incredulous to be much
offended; and after a little humming and hawing, he returned to the
attack.
'I know, my dear, that there exists a considerable disparity
between us in years, in temperament, and perhaps some other things;
but let me assure you, I shall not be severe to mark the faults and
foibles of a young and ardent nature such as yours, and while I
acknowledge them to myself, and even rebuke them with all a
father's care, believe me, no youthful lover could be more tenderly
indulgent towards the object of his affections than I to you; and,
on the other hand, let me hope that my more experienced years and
graver habits of reflection will be no disparagement in your eyes,
as I shall endeavour to make them all conducive to your happiness.
Come, now! What do you say? Let us have no young lady's
affectations and caprices, but speak out at once.'
'I will, but only to repeat what I said before, that I am certain
we were not made for each other.'
'You really think so?'
'I do.'
'But you don't know me - you wish for a further acquaintance - a
longer time to - '
'No, I don't. I know you as well as I ever shall, and better than
you know me, or you would never dream of uniting yourself to one so
incongruous - so utterly unsuitable to you in every way.'
'But, my dear young lady, I don't look for perfection; I can excuse
- '
'Thank you, Mr. Boarham, but I won't trespass upon your goodness.
You may save your indulgence and consideration for some more worthy
object, that won't tax them so heavily.'
'But let me beg you to consult your aunt; that excellent lady, I am
sure, will - '
'I have consulted her; and I know her wishes coincide with yours;
but in such important matters, I take the liberty of judging for
myself; and no persuasion can alter my inclinations, or induce me
to believe that such a step would be conducive to my happiness or
yours - and I wonder that a man of your experience and discretion
should think of choosing such a wife.'
'Ah, well!' said he, 'I have sometimes wondered at that myself. I
have sometimes said to myself, "Now Boarham, what is this you're
after? Take care, man - look before you leap! This is a sweet,
bewitching creature, but remember, the brightest attractions to the
lover too often prove the husband's greatest torments!" I assure
you my choice has not been made without much reasoning and
reflection. The seeming imprudence of the match has cost me many
an anxious thought by day, and many a sleepless hour by night; but
at length I satisfied myself that it was not, in very deed,
imprudent. I saw my sweet girl was not without her faults, but of
these her youth, I trusted, was not one, but rather an earnest of
virtues yet unblown - a strong ground of presumption that her
little defects of temper and errors of judgment, opinion, or manner
were not irremediable, but might easily be removed or mitigated by
the patient efforts of a watchful and judicious adviser, and where
I failed to enlighten and control, I thought I might safely
undertake to pardon, for the sake of her many excellences.
Therefore, my dearest girl, since I am satisfied, why should you
object - on my account, at least?'
'But to tell you the truth, Mr. Boarham, it is on my own account I
principally object; so let us - drop the subject,' I would have
said, 'for it is worse than useless to pursue it any further,' but
he pertinaciously interrupted me with, - 'But why so? I would love
you, cherish you, protect you,' &c., &c.
I shall not trouble myself to put down all that passed between us.
Suffice it to say, that I found him very troublesome, and very hard
to convince that I really meant what I said, and really was so
obstinate and blind to my own interests, that there was no shadow
of a chance that either he or my aunt would ever be able to
overcome my objections. Indeed, I am not sure that I succeeded
after all; though wearied with his so pertinaciously returning to
the same point and repeating the same arguments over and over
again, forcing me to reiterate the same replies, I at length turned
short and sharp upon him, and my last words were, - 'I tell you
plainly, that it cannot be. No consideration can induce me to
marry against my inclinations. I respect you - at least, I would
respect you, if you would behave like a sensible man - but I cannot
love you, and never could - and the more you talk the further you
repel me; so pray don't say any more about it.'
Whereupon he wished me a good-morning, and withdrew, disconcerted
and offended, no doubt; but surely it was not my fault.
CHAPTER XVII
The next day I accompanied my uncle and aunt to a dinner-party at
Mr. Wilmot's. He had two ladies staying with him: his niece
Annabella, a fine dashing girl, or rather young woman, - of some
five-and-twenty, too great a flirt to be married, according to her
own assertion, but greatly admired by the gentlemen, who
universally pronounced her a splendid woman; and her gentle cousin,
Milicent Hargrave, who had taken a violent fancy to me, mistaking
me for something vastly better than I was. And I, in return, was
very fond of her. I should entirely exclude poor Milicent in my
general animadversions against the ladies of my acquaintance. But
it was not on her account, or her cousin's, that I have mentioned
the party: it was for the sake of another of Mr. Wilmot's guests,
to wit Mr. Huntingdon. I have good reason to remember his presence
there, for this was the last time I saw him.
He did not sit near me at dinner; for it was his fate to hand in a
capacious old dowager, and mine to be handed in by Mr. Grimsby, a
friend of his, but a man I very greatly disliked: there was a
sinister cast in his countenance, and a mixture of lurking ferocity
and fulsome insincerity in his demeanour, that I could not away
with. What a tiresome custom that is, by-the-by - one among the
many sources of factitious annoyance of this ultra-civilised life.
If the gentlemen must lead the ladies into the dining-room, why
cannot they take those they like best?
I am not sure, however, that Mr. Huntingdon would have taken me, if
he had been at liberty to make his own selection. It is quite
possible he might have chosen Miss Wilmot; for she seemed bent upon
engrossing his attention to herself, and he seemed nothing loth to
pay the homage she demanded. I thought so, at least, when I saw
how they talked and laughed, and glanced across the table, to the
neglect and evident umbrage of their respective neighbours - and
afterwards, as the gentlemen joined us in the drawing-room, when
she, immediately upon his entrance, loudly called upon him to be
the arbiter of a dispute between herself and another lady, and he
answered the summons with alacrity, and decided the question
without a moment's hesitation in her favour - though, to my
thinking, she was obviously in the wrong - and then stood chatting
familiarly with her and a group of other ladies; while I sat with
Milicent Hargrave at the opposite end of the room, looking over the
latter's drawings, and aiding her with my critical observations and
advice, at her particular desire. But in spite of my efforts to
remain composed, my attention wandered from the drawings to the
merry group, and against my better judgment my wrath rose, and
doubtless my countenance lowered; for Milicent, observing that I
must be tired of her daubs and scratches, begged I would join the
company now, and defer the examination of the remainder to another
opportunity. But while I was assuring her that I had no wish to
join them, and was not tired, Mr. Huntingdon himself came up to the
little round table at which we sat.
'Are these yours?' said he, carelessly taking up one of the
drawings.
'No, they are Miss Hargrave's.'
'Oh! well, let's have a look at them.'
And, regardless of Miss Hargrave's protestations that they were not
worth looking at, he drew a chair to my side, and receiving the
drawings, one by one from my hand, successively scanned them over,
and threw them on the table, but said not a word about them, though
he was talking all the time. I don't know what Milicent Hargrave
thought of such conduct, but I found his conversation extremely
interesting; though, as I afterwards discovered, when I came to
analyse it, it was chiefly confined to quizzing the different
members of the company present; and albeit he made some clever
remarks, and some excessively droll ones, I do not think the whole
would appear anything very particular, if written here, without the
adventitious aids of look, and tone, and gesture, and that
ineffable but indefinite charm, which cast a halo over all he did
and said, and which would have made it a delight to look in his
face, and hear the music of his voice, if he had been talking
positive nonsense - and which, moreover, made me feel so bitter
against my aunt when she put a stop to this enjoyment, by coming
composedly forward, under pretence of wishing to see the drawings,
that she cared and knew nothing about, and while making believe to
examine them, addressing herself to Mr. Huntingdon, with one of her
coldest and most repellent aspects, and beginning a series of the
most common-place and formidably formal questions and observations,
on purpose to wrest his attention from me - on purpose to vex me,
as I thought: and having now looked through the portfolio, I left
them to their TETE-E-TETE, and seated myself on a sofa, quite apart
from the company - never thinking how strange such conduct would
appear, but merely to indulge, at first, the vexation of the
moment, and subsequently to enjoy my private thoughts.
But I was not left long alone, for Mr. Wilmot, of all men the least
welcome, took advantage of my isolated position to come and plant
himself beside me. I had flattered myself that I had so
effectually repulsed his advances on all former occasions, that I
had nothing more to apprehend from his unfortunate predilection;
but it seems I was mistaken: so great was his confidence, either
in his wealth or his remaining powers of attraction, and so firm
his conviction of feminine weakness, that he thought himself
warranted to return to the siege, which he did with renovated
ardour, enkindled by the quantity of wine he had drunk - a
circumstance that rendered him infinitely the more disgusting; but
greatly as I abhorred him at that moment, I did not like to treat
him with rudeness, as I was now his guest, and had just been
enjoying his hospitality; and I was no hand at a polite but
determined rejection, nor would it have greatly availed me if I
had, for he was too coarse-minded to take any repulse that was not
as plain and positive as his own effrontery. The consequence was,
that he waxed more fulsomely tender, and more repulsively warm, and
I was driven to the very verge of desperation, and about to say I
know not what, when I felt my hand, that hung over the arm of the
sofa, suddenly taken by another and gently but fervently pressed.
Instinctively, I guessed who it was, and, on looking up, was less
surprised than delighted to see Mr. Huntingdon smiling upon me. It
was like turning from some purgatorial fiend to an angel of light,
come to announce that the season of torment was past.
'Helen,' said he (he frequently called me Helen, and I never
resented the freedom), 'I want you to look at this picture. Mr.
Wilmot will excuse you a moment, I'm sure.'
I rose with alacrity. He drew my arm within his, and led me across
the room to a splendid painting of Vandyke's that I had noticed
before, but not sufficiently examined. After a moment of silent
contemplation, I was beginning to comment on its beauties and
peculiarities, when, playfully pressing the hand he still retained
within his arm, he interrupted me with, - 'Never mind the picture:
it was not for that I brought you here; it was to get you away from
that scoundrelly old profligate yonder, who is looking as if he
would like to challenge me for the affront.'
'I am very much obliged to you,' said I. 'This is twice you have
delivered me from such unpleasant companionship.'
'Don't be too thankful,' he answered: 'it is not all kindness to
you; it is partly from a feeling of spite to your tormentors that
makes me delighted to do the old fellows a bad turn, though I don't
think I have any great reason to dread them as rivals. Have I,
Helen?'
'You know I detest them both.'
'And me?'
'I have no reason to detest you.'
'But what are your sentiments towards me? Helen - Speak! How do
you regard me?'
And again he pressed my hand; but I feared there was more of
conscious power than tenderness in his demeanour, and I felt he had
no right to extort a confession of attachment from me when he had
made no correspondent avowal himself, and knew not what to answer.
At last I said, - 'How do you regard me?'
'Sweet angel, I adore you! I - '
'Helen, I want you a moment,' said the distinct, low voice of my
aunt, close beside us. And I left him, muttering maledictions
against his evil angel.
'Well, aunt, what is it? What do you want?' said I, following her
to the embrasure of the window.
'I want you to join the company, when you are fit to be seen,'
returned she, severely regarding me; 'but please to stay here a
little, till that shocking colour is somewhat abated, and your eyes
have recovered something of their natural expression. I should be
ashamed for anyone to see you in your present state.'
Of course, such a remark had no effect in reducing the 'shocking
colour'; on the contrary, I felt my face glow with redoubled fires
kindled by a complication of emotions, of which indignant, swelling
anger was the chief. I offered no reply, however, but pushed aside
the curtain and looked into the night - or rather into the lamp-lit
square.
'Was Mr. Huntingdon proposing to you, Helen?' inquired my too
watchful relative.
'No.'
'What was he saying then? I heard something very like it.'
'I don't know what he would have said, if you hadn't interrupted
him.'
'And would you have accepted him, Helen, if he had proposed?'
'Of course not - without consulting uncle and you.'
'Oh! I'm glad, my dear, you have so much prudence left. Well,
now,' she added, after a moment's pause, 'you have made yourself
conspicuous enough for one evening. The ladies are directing
inquiring glances towards us at this moment, I see: I shall join
them. Do you come too, when you are sufficiently composed to
appear as usual.'
'I am so now.'
'Speak gently then, and don't look so malicious,' said my calm, but
provoking aunt. 'We shall return home shortly, and then,' she
added with solemn significance, 'I have much to say to you.'
So I went home prepared for a formidable lecture. Little was said
by either party in the carriage during our short transit homewards;
but when I had entered my room and thrown myself into an easychair,
to reflect on the events of the day, my aunt followed me
thither, and having dismissed Rachel, who was carefully stowing
away my ornaments, closed the door; and placing a chair beside me,
or rather at right angles with mine, sat down. With due deference
I offered her my more commodious seat. She declined it, and thus
opened the conference: 'Do you remember, Helen, our conversation
the night but one before we left Staningley?'
'Yes, aunt.'
'And do you remember how I warned you against letting your heart be
stolen from you by those unworthy of its possession, and fixing
your affections where approbation did not go before, and where
reason and judgment withheld their sanction?'
'Yes; but my reason - '
'Pardon me - and do you remember assuring me that there was no
occasion for uneasiness on your account; for you should never be
tempted to marry a man who was deficient in sense or principle,
however handsome or charming in other respects he might be, for you
could not love him; you should hate - despise - pity - anything but
love him - were not those your words?'
'Yes; but - '
'And did you not say that your affection must be founded on
approbation; and that, unless you could approve and honour and
respect, you could not love?'
'Yes; but I do approve, and honour, and respect - '
'How so, my dear? Is Mr. Huntingdon a good man?'
'He is a much better man than you think him.'
'That is nothing to the purpose. Is he a good man?'
'Yes - in some respects. He has a good disposition.'
'Is he a man of principle?'
'Perhaps not, exactly; but it is only for want of thought. If he
had some one to advise him, and remind him of what is right - '
'He would soon learn, you think - and you yourself would willingly
undertake to be his teacher? But, my dear, he is, I believe, full
ten years older than you - how is it that you are so beforehand in
moral acquirements?'
'Thanks to you, aunt, I have been well brought up, and had good
examples always before me, which he, most likely, has not; and,
besides, he is of a sanguine temperament, and a gay, thoughtless
temper, and I am naturally inclined to reflection.'
'Well, now you have made him out to be deficient in both sense and
principle, by your own confession - '
'Then, my sense and my principle are at his service.'
'That sounds presumptuous, Helen. Do you think you have enough for
both; and do you imagine your merry, thoughtless profligate would
allow himself to be guided by a young girl like you?'
'No; I should not wish to guide him; but I think I might have
influence sufficient to save him from some errors, and I should
think my life well spent in the effort to preserve so noble a
nature from destruction. He always listens attentively now when I
speak seriously to him (and I often venture to reprove his random
way of talking), and sometimes he says that if he had me always by
his side he should never do or say a wicked thing, and that a
little daily talk with me would make him quite a saint. It may he
partly jest and partly flattery, but still - '
'But still you think it may be truth?'
'If I do think there is any mixture of truth in it, it is not from
confidence in my own powers, but in his natural goodness. And you
have no right to call him a profligate, aunt; he is nothing of the
kind.'
'Who told you so, my dear? What was that story about his intrigue
with a married lady - Lady who was it? - Miss Wilmot herself was
telling you the other day?'
'It was false - false!' I cried. 'I don't believe a word of it.'
'You think, then, that he is a virtuous, well-conducted young man?'
'I know nothing positive respecting his character. I only know
that I have heard nothing definite against it - nothing that could
be proved, at least; and till people can prove their slanderous
accusations, I will not believe them. And I know this, that if he
has committed errors, they are only such as are common to youth,
and such as nobody thinks anything about; for I see that everybody
likes him, and all the mammas smile upon him, and their daughters -
and Miss Wilmot herself - are only too glad to attract his
attention.'
'Helen, the world may look upon such offences as venial; a few
unprincipled mothers may be anxious to catch a young man of fortune
without reference to his character; and thoughtless girls may be
glad to win the smiles of so handsome a gentleman, without seeking
to penetrate beyond the surface; but you, I trusted, were better
informed than to see with their eyes, and judge with their
perverted judgment. I did not think you would call these venial
errors!'
'Nor do I, aunt; but if I hate the sins, I love the sinner, and
would do much for his salvation, even supposing your suspicions to
be mainly true, which I do not and will not believe.'
'Well, my dear, ask your uncle what sort of company he keeps, and
if he is not banded with a set of loose, profligate young men, whom
he calls his friends, his jolly companions, and whose chief delight
is to wallow in vice, and vie with each other who can run fastest
and furthest down the headlong road to the place prepared for the
devil and his angels.'
'Then I will save him from them.'
'Oh, Helen, Helen! you little know the misery of uniting your
fortunes to such a man!'
'I have such confidence in him, aunt, notwithstanding all you say,
that I would willingly risk my happiness for the chance of securing
his. I will leave better men to those who only consider their own
advantage. If he has done amiss, I shall consider my life well
spent in saving him from the consequences of his early errors, and
striving to recall him to the path of virtue. God grant me
success!'
Here the conversation ended, for at this juncture my uncle's voice
was heard from his chamber, loudly calling upon my aunt to come to
bed. He was in a bad humour that night; for his gout was worse.
It had been gradually increasing upon him ever since we came to
town; and my aunt took advantage of the circumstance next morning
to persuade him to return to the country immediately, without
waiting for the close of the season. His physician supported and
enforced her arguments; and contrary to her usual habits, she so
hurried the preparations for removal (as much for my sake as my
uncle's, I think), that in a very few days we departed; and I saw
no more of Mr. Huntingdon. My aunt flatters herself I shall soon
forget him - perhaps she thinks I have forgotten him already, for I
never mention his name; and she may continue to think so, till we
meet again - if ever that should be. I wonder if it will?
CHAPTER XVIII
August 25th. - I am now quite settled down to my usual routine of
steady occupations and quiet amusements - tolerably contented and
cheerful, but still looking forward to spring with the hope of
returning to town, not for its gaieties and dissipations, but for
the chance of meeting Mr. Huntingdon once again; for still he is
always in my thoughts and in my dreams. In all my employments,
whatever I do, or see, or hear, has an ultimate reference to him;
whatever skill or knowledge I acquire is some day to be turned to
his advantage or amusement; whatever new beauties in nature or art
I discover are to be depicted to meet his eye, or stored in my
memory to be told him at some future period. This, at least, is
the hope that I cherish, the fancy that lights me on my lonely way.
It may be only an ignis fatuus, after all, but it can do no harm to
follow it with my eyes and rejoice in its lustre, as long as it
does not lure me from the path I ought to keep; and I think it will
not, for I have thought deeply on my aunt's advice, and I see
clearly, now, the folly of throwing myself away on one that is
unworthy of all the love I have to give, and incapable of
responding to the best and deepest feelings of my inmost heart - so
clearly, that even if I should see him again, and if he should
remember me and love me still (which, alas! is too little probable,
considering how he is situated, and by whom surrounded), and if he
should ask me to marry him - I am determined not to consent until I
know for certain whether my aunt's opinion of him or mine is
nearest the truth; for if mine is altogether wrong, it is not he
that I love; it is a creature of my own imagination. But I think
it is not wrong - no, no - there is a secret something - an inward
instinct that assures me I am right. There is essential goodness
in him; - and what delight to unfold it! If he has wandered, what
bliss to recall him! If he is now exposed to the baneful influence
of corrupting and wicked companions, what glory to deliver him from
them! Oh! if I could but believe that Heaven has designed me for
this!
* * * * *
To-day is the first of September; but my uncle has ordered the
gamekeeper to spare the partridges till the gentlemen come. 'What
gentlemen?' I asked when I heard it. A small party he had invited
to shoot. His friend Mr. Wilmot was one, and my aunt's friend, Mr.
Boarham, another. This struck me as terrible news at the moment;
but all regret and apprehension vanished like a dream when I heard
that Mr. Huntingdon was actually to be a third! My aunt is greatly
against his coming, of course: she earnestly endeavoured to
dissuade my uncle from asking him; but he, laughing at her
objections, told her it was no use talking, for the mischief was
already done: he had invited Huntingdon and his friend Lord
Lowborough before we left London, and nothing now remained but to
fix the day for their coming. So he is safe, and I am sure of
seeing him. I cannot express my joy. I find it very difficult to
conceal it from my aunt; but I don't wish to trouble her with my
feelings till I know whether I ought to indulge them or not. If I
find it my absolute duty to suppress them, they shall trouble no
one but myself; and if I can really feel myself justified in
indulging this attachment, I can dare anything, even the anger and
grief of my best friend, for its object - surely, I shall soon
know. But they are not coming till about the middle of the month.
We are to have two lady visitors also: Mr. Wilmot is to bring his
niece and her cousin Milicent. I suppose my aunt thinks the latter
will benefit me by her society, and the salutary example of her
gentle deportment and lowly and tractable spirit; and the former I
suspect she intends as a species of counter-attraction to win Mr.
Huntingdon's attention from me. I don't thank her for this; but I
shall be glad of Milicent's company: she is a sweet, good girl,
and I wish I were like her - more like her, at least, than I am.
* * * * *
19th. - They are come. They came the day before yesterday. The
gentlemen are all gone out to shoot, and the ladies are with my
aunt, at work in the drawing-room. I have retired to the library,
for I am very unhappy, and I want to be alone. Books cannot divert
me; so having opened my desk, I will try what may be done by
detailing the cause of my uneasiness. This paper will serve
instead of a confidential friend into whose ear I might pour forth
the overflowings of my heart. It will not sympathise with my
distresses, but then it will not laugh at them, and, if I keep it
close, it cannot tell again; so it is, perhaps, the best friend I
could have for the purpose.
First, let me speak of his arrival - how I sat at my window, and
watched for nearly two hours, before his carriage entered the parkgates
- for they all came before him, - and how deeply I was
disappointed at every arrival, because it was not his. First came
Mr. Wilmot and the ladies. When Milicent had got into her room, I
quitted my post a few minutes to look in upon her and have a little
private conversation, for she was now my intimate friend, several
long epistles having passed between us since our parting. On
returning to my window, I beheld another carriage at the door. Was
it his? No; it was Mr. Boarham's plain dark chariot; and there
stood he upon the steps, carefully superintending the dislodging of
his various boxes and packages. What a collection! One would have
thought he projected a visit of six months at least. A
considerable time after, came Lord Lowborough in his barouche. Is
he one of the profligate friends, I wonder? I should think not;
for no one could call him a jolly companion, I'm sure, - and,
besides, he appears too sober and gentlemanly in his demeanour to
merit such suspicions. He is a tall, thin, gloomy-looking man,
apparently between thirty and forty, and of a somewhat sickly,
careworn aspect.
At last, Mr. Huntingdon's light phaeton came bowling merrily up the
lawn. I had but a transient glimpse of him: for the moment it
stopped, he sprang out over the side on to the portico steps, and
disappeared into the house.
I now submitted to be dressed for dinner - a duty which Rachel had
been urging upon me for the last twenty minutes; and when that
important business was completed, I repaired to the drawing-room,
where I found Mr. and Miss Wilmot and Milicent Hargrave already
assembled. Shortly after, Lord Lowborough entered, and then Mr.
Boarham, who seemed quite willing to forget and forgive my former
conduct, and to hope that a little conciliation and steady
perseverance on his part might yet succeed in bringing me to
reason. While I stood at the window, conversing with Milicent, he
came up to me, and was beginning to talk in nearly his usual
strain, when Mr. Huntingdon entered the room.
'How will he greet me, I wonder?' said my bounding heart; and,
instead of advancing to meet him, I turned to the window to hide or
subdue my emotion. But having saluted his host and hostess, and
the rest of the company, he came to me, ardently squeezed my hand,
and murmured he was glad to see me once again. At that moment
dinner was announced: my aunt desired him to take Miss Hargrave
into the dining-room, and odious Mr. Wilmot, with unspeakable
grimaces, offered his arm to me; and I was condemned to sit between
himself and Mr. Boarham. But afterwards, when we were all again
assembled in the drawing-room, I was indemnified for so much
suffering by a few delightful minutes of conversation with Mr.
Huntingdon.
In the course of the evening, Miss Wilmot was called upon to sing
and play for the amusement of the company, and I to exhibit my
drawings, and, though he likes music, and she is an accomplished
musician, I think I am right in affirming, that he paid more
attention to my drawings than to her music.
So far so good; - but hearing him pronounce, sotto voce, but with
peculiar emphasis, concerning one of the pieces, 'This is better
than all!' - I looked up, curious to see which it was, and, to my
horror, beheld him complacently gazing at the back of the picture:-
it was his own face that I had sketched there and forgotten to rub
out! To make matters worse, in the agony of the moment, I
attempted to snatch it from his hand; but he prevented me, and
exclaiming, 'No - by George, I'll keep it!' placed it against his
waistcoat and buttoned his coat upon it with a delighted chuckle.
Then, drawing a candle close to his elbow, he gathered all the
drawings to himself, as well what he had seen as the others, and
muttering, 'I must look at both sides now,' he eagerly commenced an
examination, which I watched, at first, with tolerable composure,
in the confidence that his vanity would not be gratified by any
further discoveries; for, though I must plead guilty to having
disfigured the backs of several with abortive attempts to delineate
that too fascinating physiognomy, I was sure that, with that one
unfortunate exception, I had carefully obliterated all such
witnesses of my infatuation. But the pencil frequently leaves an
impression upon cardboard that no amount of rubbing can efface.
Such, it seems, was the case with most of these; and, I confess, I
trembled when I saw him holding them so close to the candle, and
poring so intently over the seeming blanks; but still, I trusted,
he would not be able to make out these dim traces to his own
satisfaction. I was mistaken, however. Having ended his scrutiny,
he quietly remarked, - 'I perceive the backs of young ladies'
drawings, like the postscripts of their letters, are the most
important and interesting part of the concern.'
Then, leaning back in his chair, he reflected a few minutes in
silence, complacently smiling to himself, and while I was
concocting some cutting speech wherewith to check his
gratification, he rose, and passing over to where Annabella Wilmot
sat vehemently coquetting with Lord Lowborough, seated himself on
the sofa beside her, and attached himself to her for the rest of
the evening.
'So then,' thought I, 'he despises me, because he knows I love
him.'
And the reflection made me so miserable I knew not what to do.
Milicent came and began to admire my drawings, and make remarks
upon them; but I could not talk to her - I could talk to no one,
and, upon the introduction of tea, I took advantage of the open
door and the slight diversion caused by its entrance to slip out -
for I was sure I could not take any - and take refuge in the
library. My aunt sent Thomas in quest of me, to ask if I were not
coming to tea; but I bade him say I should not take any to-night,
and, happily, she was too much occupied with her guests to make any
further inquiries at the time.
As most of the company had travelled far that day, they retired
early to rest; and having heard them all, as I thought, go upstairs,
I ventured out, to get my candlestick from the drawing-room
sideboard. But Mr. Huntingdon had lingered behind the rest. He
was just at the foot of the stairs when I opened the door, and
hearing my step in the hall - though I could hardly hear it myself
- he instantly turned back.
'Helen, is that you?' said he. 'Why did you run away from us?'
'Good-night, Mr. Huntingdon,' said I, coldly, not choosing to
answer the question. And I turned away to enter the drawing-room.
'But you'll shake hands, won't you?' said he, placing himself in
the doorway before me. And he seized my hand and held it, much
against my will.
'Let me go, Mr. Huntingdon,' said I. 'I want to get a candle.'
'The candle will keep,' returned he.
I made a desperate effort to free my hand from his grasp.
'Why are you in such a hurry to leave me, Helen?' he said, with a
smile of the most provoking self-sufficiency. 'You don't hate me,
you know.'
'Yes, I do - at this moment.'
'Not you. It is Annabella Wilmot you hate, not me.'
'I have nothing to do with Annabella Wilmot,' said I, burning with
indignation.
'But I have, you know,' returned he, with peculiar emphasis.
'That is nothing to me, sir,' I retorted.
'Is it nothing to you, Helen? Will you swear it? Will you?'
'No I won't, Mr. Huntingdon! and I will go,' cried I, not knowing
whether to laugh, or to cry, or to break out into a tempest of
fury.
'Go, then, you vixen!' he said; but the instant he released my hand
he had the audacity to put his arm round my neck, and kiss me.
Trembling with anger and agitation, and I don't know what besides,
I broke away, and got my candle, and rushed up-stairs to my room.
He would not have done so but for that hateful picture. And there
he had it still in his possession, an eternal monument to his pride
and my humiliation.
It was but little sleep I got that night, and in the morning I rose
perplexed and troubled with the thoughts of meeting him at
breakfast. I knew not how it was to be done. An assumption of
dignified, cold indifference would hardly do, after what he knew of
my devotion - to his face, at least. Yet something must be done to
check his presumption - I would not submit to be tyrannised over by
those bright, laughing eyes. And, accordingly, I received his
cheerful morning salutation as calmly and coldly as my aunt could
have wished, and defeated with brief answers his one or two
attempts to draw me into conversation, while I comported myself
with unusual cheerfulness and complaisance towards every other
member of the party, especially Annabella Wilmot, and even her
uncle and Mr. Boarham were treated with an extra amount of civility
on the occasion, not from any motives of coquetry, but just to show
him that my particular coolness and reserve arose from no general
ill-humour or depression of spirits.
He was not, however, to be repelled by such acting as this. He did
not talk much to me, but when he did speak it was with a degree of
freedom and openness, and kindliness too, that plainly seemed to
intimate he knew his words were music to my ears; and when his
looks met mine it was with a smile - presumptuous, it might be -
but oh! so sweet, so bright, so genial, that I could not possibly
retain my anger; every vestige of displeasure soon melted away
beneath it like morning clouds before the summer sun.
Soon after breakfast all the gentlemen save one, with boyish
eagerness, set out on their expedition against the hapless
partridges; my uncle and Mr. Wilmot on their shooting ponies, Mr.
Huntingdon and Lord Lowborough on their legs: the one exception
being Mr. Boarham, who, in consideration of the rain that had
fallen during the night, thought it prudent to remain behind a
little and join them in a while when the sun had dried the grass.
And he favoured us all with a long and minute disquisition upon the
evils and dangers attendant upon damp feet, delivered with the most
imperturbable gravity, amid the jeers and laughter of Mr.
Huntingdon and my uncle, who, leaving the prudent sportsman to
entertain the ladies with his medical discussions, sallied forth
with their guns, bending their steps to the stables first, to have
a look at the horses and let out the dogs.
Not desirous of sharing Mr. Boarham's company for the whole of the
morning, I betook myself to the library, and there brought forth my
easel and began to paint. The easel and the painting apparatus
would serve as an excuse for abandoning the drawing-room if my aunt
should come to complain of the desertion, and besides I wanted to
finish the picture. It was one I had taken great pains with, and I
intended it to be my masterpiece, though it was somewhat
presumptuous in the design. By the bright azure of the sky, and by
the warm and brilliant lights and deep long shadows, I had
endeavoured to convey the idea of a sunny morning. I had ventured
to give more of the bright verdure of spring or early summer to the
grass and foliage than is commonly attempted in painting. The
scene represented was an open glade in a wood. A group of dark
Scotch firs was introduced in the middle distance to relieve the
prevailing freshness of the rest; but in the foreground was part of
the gnarled trunk and of the spreading boughs of a large foresttree,
whose foliage was of a brilliant golden green - not golden
from autumnal mellowness, but from the sunshine and the very
immaturity of the scarce expanded leaves. Upon this bough, that
stood out in bold relief against the sombre firs, were seated an
amorous pair of turtle doves, whose soft sad-coloured plumage
afforded a contrast of another nature; and beneath it a young girl
was kneeling on the daisy-spangled turf, with head thrown back and
masses of fair hair falling on her shoulders, her hands clasped,
lips parted, and eyes intently gazing upward in pleased yet earnest
contemplation of those feathered lovers - too deeply absorbed in
each other to notice her.
I had scarcely settled to my work, which, however, wanted but a few
touches to the finishing, when the sportsmen passed the window on
their return from the stables. It was partly open, and Mr.
Huntingdon must have seen me as he went by, for in half a minute he
came back, and setting his gun against the wall, threw up the sash
and sprang in, and set himself before my picture.
'Very pretty, i'faith,' said he, after attentively regarding it for
a few seconds; 'and a very fitting study for a young lady. Spring
just opening into summer - morning just approaching noon - girlhood
just ripening into womanhood, and hope just verging on fruition.
She's a sweet creature! but why didn't you make her black hair?'
'I thought light hair would suit her better. You see I have made
her blue-eyed and plump, and fair and rosy.'
'Upon my word - a very Hebe! I should fall in love with her if I
hadn't the artist before me. Sweet innocent! she's thinking there
will come a time when she will be wooed and won like that pretty
hen-dove by as fond and fervent a lover; and she's thinking how
pleasant it will be, and how tender and faithful he will find her.'
'And perhaps,' suggested I, 'how tender and faithful she shall find
him.'
'Perhaps, for there is no limit to the wild extravagance of Hope's
imaginings at such an age.'
'Do you call that, then, one of her wild, extravagant delusions?'
'No; my heart tells me it is not. I might have thought so once,
but now, I say, give me the girl I love, and I will swear eternal
constancy to her and her alone, through summer and winter, through
youth and age, and life and death! if age and death must come.'
He spoke this in such serious earnest that my heart bounded with
delight; but the minute after he changed his tone, and asked, with
a significant smile, if I had 'any more portraits.'
'No,' replied I, reddening with confusion and wrath.
But my portfolio was on the table: he took it up, and coolly sat
down to examine its contents.
'Mr. Huntingdon, those are my unfinished sketches,' cried I, 'and I
never let any one see them.'
And I placed my hand on the portfolio to wrest it from him, but he
maintained his hold, assuring me that he 'liked unfinished sketches
of all things.'
'But I hate them to be seen,' returned I. 'I can't let you have
it, indeed!'
'Let me have its bowels then,' said he; and just as I wrenched the
portfolio from his hand, he deftly abstracted the greater part of
its contents, and after turning them over a moment he cried out, -
'Bless my stars, here's another;' and slipped a small oval of ivory
paper into his waistcoat pocket - a complete miniature portrait
that I had sketched with such tolerable success as to be induced to
colour it with great pains and care. But I was determined he
should not keep it.
'Mr. Huntingdon,' cried I, 'I insist upon having that back! It is
mine, and you have no right to take it. Give it me directly - I'll
never forgive you if you don't!'
But the more vehemently I insisted, the more he aggravated my
distress by his insulting, gleeful laugh. At length, however, he
restored it to me, saying, - 'Well, well, since you value it so
much, I'll not deprive you of it.'
To show him how I valued it, I tore it in two and threw it into the
fire. He was not prepared for this. His merriment suddenly
ceasing, he stared in mute amazement at the consuming treasure; and
then, with a careless 'Humph! I'll go and shoot now,' he turned on
his heel and vacated the apartment by the window as he came, and
setting on his hat with an air, took up his gun and walked away,
whistling as he went - and leaving me not too much agitated to
finish my picture, for I was glad, at the moment, that I had vexed
him.
When I returned to the drawing-room, I found Mr. Boarham had
ventured to follow his comrades to the field; and shortly after
lunch, to which they did not think of returning, I volunteered to
accompany the ladies in a walk, and show Annabella and Milicent the
beauties of the country. We took a long ramble, and re-entered the
park just as the sportsmen were returning from their expedition.
Toil-spent and travel-stained, the main body of them crossed over
the grass to avoid us, but Mr. Huntingdon, all spattered and
splashed as he was, and stained with the blood of his prey - to the
no small offence of my aunt's strict sense of propriety - came out
of his way to meet us, with cheerful smiles and words for all but
me, and placing himself between Annabella Wilmot and myself, walked
up the road and began to relate the various exploits and disasters
of the day, in a manner that would have convulsed me with laughter
if I had been on good terms with him; but he addressed himself
entirely to Annabella, and I, of course, left all the laughter and
all the badinage to her, and affecting the utmost indifference to
whatever passed between them, walked along a few paces apart, and
looking every way but theirs, while my aunt and Milicent went
before, linked arm in arm and gravely discoursing together. At
length Mr. Huntingdon turned to me, and addressing me in a
confidential whisper, said, - 'Helen, why did you burn my picture?'
'Because I wished to destroy it,' I answered, with an asperity it
is useless now to lament.
'Oh, very good!' was the reply; 'if you don't value me, I must turn
to somebody that will.'
I thought it was partly in jest - a half-playful mixture of mock
resignation and pretended indifference: but immediately he resumed
his place beside Miss Wilmot, and from that hour to this - during
all that evening, and all the next day, and the next, and the next,
and all this morning (the 22nd), he has never given me one kind
word or one pleasant look - never spoken to me, but from pure
necessity - never glanced towards me but with a cold, unfriendly
look I thought him quite incapable of assuming.
My aunt observes the change, and though she has not inquired the
cause or made any remark to me on the subject, I see it gives her
pleasure. Miss Wilmot observes it, too, and triumphantly ascribes
it to her own superior charms and blandishments; but I am truly
miserable - more so than I like to acknowledge to myself. Pride
refuses to aid me. It has brought me into the scrape, and will not
help me out of it.
He meant no harm - it was only his joyous, playful spirit; and I,
by my acrimonious resentment - so serious, so disproportioned to
the offence - have so wounded his feelings, so deeply offended him,
that I fear he will never forgive me - and all for a mere jest! He
thinks I dislike him, and he must continue to think so. I must
lose him for ever, and Annabella may win him, and triumph as she
will.
But it is not my loss nor her triumph that I deplore so greatly as
the wreck of my fond hopes for his advantage, and her unworthiness
of his affection, and the injury he will do himself by trusting his
happiness to her. She does not love him: she thinks only of
herself. She cannot appreciate the good that is in him: she will
neither see it, nor value it, nor cherish it. She will neither
deplore his faults nor attempt their amendment, but rather
aggravate them by her own. And I doubt whether she will not
deceive him after all. I see she is playing double between him and
Lord Lowborough, and while she amuses herself with the lively
Huntingdon, she tries her utmost to enslave his moody friend; and
should she succeed in bringing both to her feet, the fascinating
commoner will have but little chance against the lordly peer. If
he observes her artful by-play, it gives him no uneasiness, but
rather adds new zest to his diversion by opposing a stimulating
check to his otherwise too easy conquest.
Messrs. Wilmot and Boarham have severally taken occasion by his
neglect of me to renew their advances; and if I were like Annabella
and some others I should take advantage of their perseverance to
endeavour to pique him into a revival of affection; but, justice
and honesty apart, I could not bear to do it. I am annoyed enough
by their present persecutions without encouraging them further; and
even if I did it would have precious little effect upon him. He
sees me suffering under the condescending attentions and prosaic
discourses of the one, and the repulsive obtrusions of the other,
without so much as a shadow of commiseration for me, or resentment
against my tormentors. He never could have loved me, or he would
not have resigned me so willingly, and he would not go on talking
to everybody else so cheerfully as he does - laughing and jesting
with Lord Lowborough and my uncle, teasing Milicent Hargrave, and
flirting with Annabella Wilmot - as if nothing were on his mind.
Oh! why can't I hate him? I must be infatuated, or I should scorn
to regret him as I do. But I must rally all the powers I have
remaining, and try to tear him from my heart. There goes the
dinner-bell, and here comes my aunt to scold me for sitting here at
my desk all day, instead of staying with the company: wish the
company were - gone.
CHAPTER XIX
Twenty Second: Night. - What have I done? and what will be the end
of it? I cannot calmly reflect upon it; I cannot sleep. I must
have recourse to my diary again; I will commit it to paper tonight,
and see what I shall think of it to-morrow.
I went down to dinner resolving to be cheerful and well-conducted,
and kept my resolution very creditably, considering how my head
ached and how internally wretched I felt. I don't know what is
come over me of late; my very energies, both mental and physical,
must be strangely impaired, or I should not have acted so weakly in
many respects as I have done; but I have not been well this last
day or two. I suppose it is with sleeping and eating so little,
and thinking so much, and being so continually out of humour. But
to return. I was exerting myself to sing and play for the
amusement, and at the request, of my aunt and Milicent, before the
gentlemen came into the drawing-room (Miss Wilmot never likes to
waste her musical efforts on ladies' ears alone). Milicent had
asked for a little Scotch song, and I was just in the middle of it
when they entered. The first thing Mr. Huntingdon did was to walk
up to Annabella.
'Now, Miss Wilmot, won't you give us some music to-night?' said he.
'Do now! I know you will, when I tell you that I have been
hungering and thirsting all day for the sound of your voice. Come!
the piano's vacant.'
It was, for I had quitted it immediately upon hearing his petition.
Had I been endowed with a proper degree of self-possession, I
should have turned to the lady myself, and cheerfully joined my
entreaties to his, whereby I should have disappointed his
expectations, if the affront had been purposely given, or made him
sensible of the wrong, if it had only arisen from thoughtlessness;
but I felt it too deeply to do anything but rise from the musicstool,
and throw myself back on the sofa, suppressing with
difficulty the audible expression of the bitterness I felt within.
I knew Annabella's musical talents were superior to mine, but that
was no reason why I should be treated as a perfect nonentity. The
time and the manner of his asking her appeared like a gratuitous
insult to me; and I could have wept with pure vexation.
Meantime, she exultingly seated herself at the piano, and favoured
him with two of his favourite songs, in such superior style that
even I soon lost my anger in admiration, and listened with a sort
of gloomy pleasure to the skilful modulations of her full-toned and
powerful voice, so judiciously aided by her rounded and spirited
touch; and while my ears drank in the sound, my eyes rested on the
face of her principal auditor, and derived an equal or superior
delight from the contemplation of his speaking countenance, as he
stood beside her - that eye and brow lighted up with keen
enthusiasm, and that sweet smile passing and appearing like gleams
of sunshine on an April day. No wonder he should hunger and thirst
to hear her sing. I now forgave him from my heart his reckless
slight of me, and I felt ashamed at my pettish resentment of such a
trifle - ashamed too of those bitter envious pangs that gnawed my
inmost heart, in spite of all this admiration and delight.
'There now,' said she, playfully running her fingers over the keys
when she had concluded the second song. 'What shall I give you
next?'
But in saying this she looked back at Lord Lowborough, who was
standing a little behind, leaning against the back of a chair, an
attentive listener, too, experiencing, to judge by his countenance,
much the same feelings of mingled pleasure and sadness as I did.
But the look she gave him plainly said, 'Do you choose for me now:
I have done enough for him, and will gladly exert myself to gratify
you;' and thus encouraged, his lordship came forward, and turning
over the music, presently set before her a little song that I had
noticed before, and read more than once, with an interest arising
from the circumstance of my connecting it in my mind with the
reigning tyrant of my thoughts. And now, with my nerves already
excited and half unstrung, I could not hear those words so sweetly
warbled forth without some symptoms of emotion I was not able to
suppress. Tears rose unbidden to my eyes, and I buried my face in
the sofa-pillow that they might flow unseen while I listened. The
air was simple, sweet, and sad. It is still running in my head,
and so are the words:-
Farewell to thee! but not farewell
To all my fondest thoughts of thee:
Within my heart they still shall dwell;
And they shall cheer and comfort me.
O beautiful, and full of grace!
If thou hadst never met mine eye,
I had not dreamed a living face
Could fancied charms so far outvie.
If I may ne'er behold again
That form and face so dear to me,
Nor hear thy voice, still would I fain
Preserve, for aye, their memory.
That voice, the magic of whose tone
Can wake an echo in my breast,
Creating feelings that, alone,
Can make my tranced spirit blest.
That laughing eye, whose sunny beam
My memory would not cherish less; -
And oh, that smile! I whose joyous gleam
No mortal languish can express.
Adieu! but let me cherish, still,
The hope with which I cannot part.
Contempt may wound, and coldness chill,
But still it lingers in my heart.
And who can tell but Heaven, at last,
May answer all my thousand prayers,
And bid the future pay the past
With joy for anguish, smiles for tears.
When it ceased, I longed for nothing so much as to be out of the
room. The sofa was not far from the door, but I did not dare to
raise my head, for I knew Mr. Huntingdon was standing near me, and
I knew by the sound of his voice, as he spoke in answer to some
remark of Lord Lowborough's, that his face was turned towards me.
Perhaps a half-suppressed sob had caught his ear, and caused him to
look round - heaven forbid! But with a violent effort, I checked
all further signs of weakness, dried my tears, and, when I thought
he had turned away again, rose, and instantly left the apartment,
taking refuge in my favourite resort, the library.
There was no light there but the faint red glow of the neglected
fire; - but I did not want a light; I only wanted to indulge my
thoughts, unnoticed and undisturbed; and sitting down on a low
stool before the easy-chair, I sunk my head upon its cushioned
seat, and thought, and thought, until the tears gushed out again,
and I wept like any child. Presently, however, the door was gently
opened and someone entered the room. I trusted it was only a
servant, and did not stir. The door was closed again - but I was
not alone; a hand gently touched my shoulder, and a voice said,
softly, - 'Helen, what is the matter?'
I could not answer at the moment.
'You must, and shall tell me,' was added, more vehemently, and the
speaker threw himself on his knees beside me on the rug, and
forcibly possessed himself of my hand; but I hastily caught it
away, and replied, - 'It is nothing to you, Mr. Huntingdon.'
'Are you sure it is nothing to me?' he returned; 'can you swear
that you were not thinking of me while you wept?' This was
unendurable. I made an effort to rise, but he was kneeling on my
dress.
'Tell me,' continued he - 'I want to know, - because if you were, I
have something to say to you, - and if not, I'll go.'
'Go then!' I cried; but, fearing he would obey too well, and never
come again, I hastily added - 'Or say what you have to say, and
have done with it!'
'But which?' said he - 'for I shall only say it if you really were
thinking of me. So tell me, Helen.'
'You're excessively impertinent, Mr. Huntingdon!'
'Not at all - too pertinent, you mean. So you won't tell me? -
Well, I'll spare your woman's pride, and, construing your silence
into "Yes," I'll take it for granted that I was the subject of your
thoughts, and the cause of your affliction - '
'Indeed, sir - '
'If you deny it, I won't tell you my secret,' threatened he; and I
did not interrupt him again, or even attempt to repulse him:
though he had taken my hand once more, and half embraced me with
his other arm, I was scarcely conscious of it at the time.
'It is this,' resumed he: 'that Annabella Wilmot, in comparison
with you, is like a flaunting peony compared with a sweet, wild
rosebud gemmed with dew - and I love you to distraction! - Now,
tell me if that intelligence gives you any pleasure. Silence
again? That means yes. Then let me add, that I cannot live
without you, and if you answer No to this last question, you will
drive me mad. - Will you bestow yourself upon me? - you will!' he
cried, nearly squeezing me to death in his arms.
'No, no!' I exclaimed, struggling to free myself from him - 'you
must ask my uncle and aunt.'
'They won't refuse me, if you don't.'
'I'm not so sure of that - my aunt dislikes you.'
'But you don't, Helen - say you love me, and I'll go.'
'I wish you would go!' I replied.
'I will, this instant, - if you'll only say you love me.'
'You know I do,' I answered. And again he caught me in his arms,
and smothered me with kisses.
At that moment my aunt opened wide the door, and stood before us,
candle in hand, in shocked and horrified amazement, gazing
alternately at Mr. Huntingdon and me - for we had both started up,
and now stood wide enough asunder. But his confusion was only for
a moment. Rallying in an instant, with the most enviable
assurance, he began, - 'I beg ten thousand pardons, Mrs. Maxwell!
Don't be too severe upon me. I've been asking your sweet niece to
take me for better, for worse; and she, like a good girl, informs
me she cannot think of it without her uncle's and aunt's consent.
So let me implore you not to condemn me to eternal wretchedness:
if you favour my cause, I am safe; for Mr. Maxwell, I am certain,
can refuse you nothing.'
'We will talk of this to-morrow, sir,' said my aunt, coldly. 'It
is a subject that demands mature and serious deliberation. At
present, you had better return to the drawing-room.'
'But meantime,' pleaded he, 'let me commend my cause to your most
indulgent - '
'No indulgence for you, Mr. Huntingdon, must come between me and
the consideration of my niece's happiness.'
'Ah, true! I know she is an angel, and I am a presumptuous dog to
dream of possessing such a treasure; but, nevertheless, I would
sooner die than relinquish her in favour of the best man that ever
went to heaven - and as for her happiness, I would sacrifice my
body and soul - '
'Body and soul, Mr. Huntingdon - sacrifice your soul?'
'Well, I would lay down life - '
'You would not be required to lay it down.'
'I would spend it, then - devote my life - and all its powers to
the promotion and preservation - '
'Another time, sir, we will talk of this - and I should have felt
disposed to judge more favourably of your pretensions, if you too
had chosen another time and place, and let me add - another manner
for your declaration.'
'Why, you see, Mrs. Maxwell,' he began -
'Pardon me, sir,' said she, with dignity - 'The company are
inquiring for you in the other room.' And she turned to me.
'Then you must plead for me, Helen,' said he, and at length
withdrew.
'You had better retire to your room, Helen,' said my aunt, gravely.
'I will discuss this matter with you, too, to-morrow.'
'Don't be angry, aunt,' said I.
'My dear, I am not angry,' she replied: 'I am surprised. If it is
true that you told him you could not accept his offer without our
consent - '
'It is true,' interrupted I.
'Then how could you permit -?'
'I couldn't help it, aunt,' I cried, bursting into tears. They
were not altogether the tears of sorrow, or of fear for her
displeasure, but rather the outbreak of the general tumultuous
excitement of my feelings. But my good aunt was touched at my
agitation. In a softer tone, she repeated her recommendation to
retire, and, gently kissing my forehead, bade me good-night, and
put her candle in my hand; and I went; but my brain worked so, I
could not think of sleeping. I feel calmer now that I have written
all this; and I will go to bed, and try to win tired nature's sweet
restorer.
CHAPTER XX
September 24th. - In the morning I rose, light and cheerful - nay,
intensely happy. The hovering cloud cast over me by my aunt's
views, and by the fear of not obtaining her consent, was lost in
the bright effulgence of my own hopes, and the too delightful
consciousness of requited love. It was a splendid morning; and I
went out to enjoy it, in a quiet ramble, in company with my own
blissful thoughts. The dew was on the grass, and ten thousand
gossamers were waving in the breeze; the happy red-breast was
pouring out its little soul in song, and my heart overflowed with
silent hymns of gratitude and praise to heaven.
But I had not wandered far before my solitude was interrupted by
the only person that could have disturbed my musings, at that
moment, without being looked upon as an unwelcome intruder: Mr.
Huntingdon came suddenly upon me. So unexpected was the
apparition, that I might have thought it the creation of an overexcited
imagination, had the sense of sight alone borne witness to
his presence; but immediately I felt his strong arm round my waist
and his warm kiss on my cheek, while his keen and gleeful
salutation, 'My own Helen!' was ringing in my ear.
'Not yours yet!' said I, hastily swerving aside from this too
presumptuous greeting. 'Remember my guardians. You will not
easily obtain my aunt's consent. Don't you see she is prejudiced
against you?'
'I do, dearest; and you must tell me why, that I may best know how
to combat her objections. I suppose she thinks I am a prodigal,'
pursued he, observing that I was unwilling to reply, 'and concludes
that I shall have but little worldly goods wherewith to endow my
better half? If so, you must tell her that my property is mostly
entailed, and I cannot get rid of it. There may be a few mortgages
on the rest - a few trifling debts and incumbrances here and there,
but nothing to speak of; and though I acknowledge I am not so rich
as I might be - or have been - still, I think, we could manage
pretty comfortably on what's left. My father, you know, was
something of a miser, and in his latter days especially saw no
pleasure in life but to amass riches; and so it is no wonder that
his son should make it his chief delight to spend them, which was
accordingly the case, until my acquaintance with you, dear Helen,
taught me other views and nobler aims. And the very idea of having
you to care for under my roof would force me to moderate my
expenses and live like a Christian - not to speak of all the
prudence and virtue you would instil into my mind by your wise
counsels and sweet, attractive goodness.'
'But it is not that,' said I; 'it is not money my aunt thinks
about. She knows better than to value worldly wealth above its
price.'
'What is it, then?'
'She wishes me to - to marry none but a really good man.'
'What, a man of "decided piety"? - ahem! - Well, come, I'll manage
that too! It's Sunday to-day, isn't it? I'll go to church
morning, afternoon, and evening, and comport myself in such a godly
sort that she shall regard me with admiration and sisterly love, as
a brand plucked from the burning. I'll come home sighing like a
furnace, and full of the savour and unction of dear Mr. Blatant's
discourse - '
'Mr. Leighton,' said I, dryly.
'Is Mr. Leighton a "sweet preacher," Helen - a "dear, delightful,
heavenly-minded man"?'
'He is a good man, Mr. Huntingdon. I wish I could say half as much
for you.'
'Oh, I forgot, you are a saint, too. I crave your pardon, dearest
- but don't call me Mr. Huntingdon; my name is Arthur.'
'I'll call you nothing - for I'll have nothing at all to do with
you if you talk in that way any more. If you really mean to
deceive my aunt as you say, you are very wicked; and if not, you
are very wrong to jest on such a subject.'
'I stand corrected,' said he, concluding his laugh with a sorrowful
sigh. 'Now,' resumed he, after a momentary pause, 'let us talk
about something else. And come nearer to me, Helen, and take my
arm; and then I'll let you alone. I can't be quiet while I see you
walking there.'
I complied; but said we must soon return to the house.
'No one will be down to breakfast yet, for long enough,' he
answered. 'You spoke of your guardians just now, Helen, but is not
your father still living?'
'Yes, but I always look upon my uncle and aunt as my guardians, for
they are so in deed, though not in name. My father has entirely
given me up to their care. I have never seen him since dear mamma
died, when I was a very little girl, and my aunt, at her request,
offered to take charge of me, and took me away to Staningley, where
I have remained ever since; and I don't think he would object to
anything for me that she thought proper to sanction.'
'But would he sanction anything to which she thought proper to
object?'
'No, I don't think he cares enough about me.'
'He is very much to blame - but he doesn't know what an angel he
has for his daughter - which is all the better for me, as, if he
did, he would not be willing to part with such a treasure.'
'And Mr. Huntingdon,' said I, 'I suppose you know I am not an
heiress?'
He protested he had never given it a thought, and begged I would
not disturb his present enjoyment by the mention of such
uninteresting subjects. I was glad of this proof of disinterested
affection; for Annabella Wilmot is the probable heiress to all her
uncle's wealth, in addition to her late father's property, which
she has already in possession.
I now insisted upon retracing our steps to the house; but we walked
slowly, and went on talking as we proceeded. I need not repeat all
we said: let me rather refer to what passed between my aunt and
me, after breakfast, when Mr. Huntingdon called my uncle aside, no
doubt to make his proposals, and she beckoned me into another room,
where she once more commenced a solemn remonstrance, which,
however, entirely failed to convince me that her view of the case
was preferable to my own.
'You judge him uncharitably, aunt, I know,' said I. 'His very
friends are not half so bad as you represent them. There is Walter
Hargrave, Milicent's brother, for one: he is but a little lower
than the angels, if half she says of him is true. She is
continually talking to me about him, and lauding his many virtues
to the skies.'
'You will form a very inadequate estimate of a man's character,'
replied she, 'if you judge by what a fond sister says of him. The
worst of them generally know how to hide their misdeeds from their
sisters' eyes, and their mother's, too.'
'And there is Lord Lowborough,' continued I, 'quite a decent man.'
'Who told you so? Lord Lowborough is a desperate man. He has
dissipated his fortune in gambling and other things, and is now
seeking an heiress to retrieve it. I told Miss Wilmot so; but
you're all alike: she haughtily answered she was very much obliged
to me, but she believed she knew when a man was seeking her for her
fortune, and when for herself; she flattered herself she had had
experience enough in those matters to be justified in trusting to
her own judgment - and as for his lordship's lack of fortune, she
cared nothing about that, as she hoped her own would suffice for
both; and as for his wildness, she supposed he was no worse than
others - besides, he was reformed now. Yes, they can all play the
hypocrite when they want to take in a fond, misguided woman!'
'Well, I think he's about as good as she is,' said I. 'But when
Mr. Huntingdon is married, he won't have many opportunities of
consorting with his bachelor friends; - and the worse they are, the
more I long to deliver him from them.'
'To be sure, my dear; and the worse he is, I suppose, the more you
long to deliver him from himself.'
'Yes, provided he is not incorrigible - that is, the more I long to
deliver him from his faults - to give him an opportunity of shaking
off the adventitious evil got from contact with others worse than
himself, and shining out in the unclouded light of his own genuine
goodness - to do my utmost to help his better self against his
worse, and make him what he would have been if he had not, from the
beginning, had a bad, selfish, miserly father, who, to gratify his
own sordid passions, restricted him in the most innocent enjoyments
of childhood and youth, and so disgusted him with every kind of
restraint; - and a foolish mother who indulged him to the top of
his bent, deceiving her husband for him, and doing her utmost to
encourage those germs of folly and vice it was her duty to
suppress, - and then, such a set of companions as you represent his
friends to be - '
'Poor man!' said she, sarcastically, 'his kind have greatly wronged
him!'
'They have!' cried I - 'and they shall wrong him no more - his wife
shall undo what his mother did!'
'Well,' said she, after a short pause, 'I must say, Helen, I
thought better of your judgment than this - and your taste too.
How you can love such a man I cannot tell, or what pleasure you can
find in his company; for "what fellowship hath light with darkness;
or he that believeth with an infidel?"'
'He is not an infidel; - and I am not light, and he is not
darkness; his worst and only vice is thoughtlessness.'
'And thoughtlessness,' pursued my aunt, 'may lead to every crime,
and will but poorly excuse our errors in the sight of God. Mr.
Huntingdon, I suppose, is not without the common faculties of men:
he is not so light-headed as to be irresponsible: his Maker has
endowed him with reason and conscience as well as the rest of us;
the Scriptures are open to him as well as to others; - and "if he
hear not them, neither will he hear though one rose from the dead."
And remember, Helen,' continued she, solemnly, '"the wicked shall
be turned into hell, and they that forget God!"' And suppose,
even, that he should continue to love you, and you him, and that
you should pass through life together with tolerable comfort - how
will it be in the end, when you see yourselves parted for ever;
you, perhaps, taken into eternal bliss, and he cast into the lake
that burneth with unquenchable fire - there for ever to - '
'Not for ever,' I exclaimed, '"only till he has paid the uttermost
farthing;" for "if any man's work abide not the fire, he shall
suffer loss, yet himself shall be saved, but so as by fire;" and He
that "is able to subdue all things to Himself will have all men to
be saved," and "will, in the fulness of time, gather together in
one all things in Christ Jesus, who tasted death for every man, and
in whom God will reconcile all things to Himself, whether they be
things in earth or things in heaven."'
'Oh, Helen! where did you learn all this?'
'In the Bible, aunt. I have searched it through, and found nearly
thirty passages, all tending to support the same theory.'
'And is that the use you make of your Bible? And did you find no
passages tending to prove the danger and the falsity of such a
belief?'
'No: I found, indeed, some passages that, taken by themselves,
might seem to contradict that opinion; but they will all bear a
different construction to that which is commonly given, and in most
the only difficulty is in the word which we translate "everlasting"
or "eternal." I don't know the Greek, but I believe it strictly
means for ages, and might signify either endless or long-enduring.
And as for the danger of the belief, I would not publish it abroad
if I thought any poor wretch would be likely to presume upon it to
his own destruction, but it is a glorious thought to cherish in
one's own heart, and I would not part with it for all the world can
give!'
Here our conference ended, for it was now high time to prepare for
church. Every one attended the morning service, except my uncle,
who hardly ever goes, and Mr. Wilmot, who stayed at home with him
to enjoy a quiet game of cribbage. In the afternoon Miss Wilmot
and Lord Lowborough likewise excused themselves from attending; but
Mr. Huntingdon vouchsafed to accompany us again. Whether it was to
ingratiate himself with my aunt I cannot tell, but, if so, he
certainly should have behaved better. I must confess, I did not
like his conduct during service at all. Holding his prayer-book
upside down, or open at any place but the right, he did nothing but
stare about him, unless he happened to catch my aunt's eye or mine,
and then he would drop his own on his book, with a puritanical air
of mock solemnity that would have been ludicrous, if it had not
been too provoking. Once, during the sermon, after attentively
regarding Mr. Leighton for a few minutes, he suddenly produced his
gold pencil-case and snatched up a Bible. Perceiving that I
observed the movement, he whispered that he was going to make a
note of the sermon; but instead of that, as I sat next him, I could
not help seeing that he was making a caricature of the preacher,
giving to the respectable, pious, elderly gentleman, the air and
aspect of a most absurd old hypocrite. And yet, upon his return,
he talked to my aunt about the sermon with a degree of modest,
serious discrimination that tempted me to believe he had really
attended to and profited by the discourse.
Just before dinner my uncle called me into the library for the
discussion of a very important matter, which was dismissed in few
words.
'Now, Nell,' said he, 'this young Huntingdon has been asking for
you: what must I say about it? Your aunt would answer "no" - but
what say you?'
'I say yes, uncle,' replied I, without a moment's hesitation; for I
had thoroughly made up my mind on the subject.
'Very good!' cried he. 'Now that's a good honest answer -
wonderful for a girl! - Well, I'll write to your father to-morrow.
He's sure to give his consent; so you may look on the matter as
settled. You'd have done a deal better if you'd taken Wilmot, I
can tell you; but that you won't believe. At your time of life,
it's love that rules the roast: at mine, it's solid, serviceable
gold. I suppose now, you'd never dream of looking into the state
of your husband's finances, or troubling your head about
settlements, or anything of that sort?'
'I don't think I should.'
'Well, be thankful, then, that you've wiser heads to think for you.
I haven't had time, yet, to examine thoroughly into this young
rascal's affairs, but I see that a great part of his father's fine
property has been squandered away; - but still, I think, there's a
pretty fair share of it left, and a little careful nursing may make
a handsome thing of it yet; and then we must persuade your father
to give you a decent fortune, as he has only one besides yourself
to care for; - and, if you behave well, who knows but what I may be
induced to remember you in my will!' continued he, putting his
fingers to his nose, with a knowing wink.
'Thanks, uncle, for that and all your kindness,' replied I.
'Well, and I questioned this young spark on the matter of
settlements,' continued he; 'and he seemed disposed to be generous
enough on that point - '
'I knew he would!' said I. 'But pray don't trouble your head - or
his, or mine about that; for all I have will be his, and all he has
will be mine; and what more could either of us require?' And I was
about to make my exit, but he called me back.
'Stop, stop!' cried he; 'we haven't mentioned the time yet. When
must it be? Your aunt would put it off till the Lord knows when,
but he is anxious to be bound as soon as may be: he won't hear of
waiting beyond next month; and you, I guess, will be of the same
mind, so - '
'Not at all, uncle; on the contrary, I should like to wait till
after Christmas, at least.'
'Oh! pooh, pooh! never tell me that tale - I know better,' cried
he; and he persisted in his incredulity. Nevertheless, it is quite
true. I am in no hurry at all. How can I be, when I think of the
momentous change that awaits me, and of all I have to leave? It is
happiness enough to know that we are to be united; and that he
really loves me, and I may love him as devotedly, and think of him
as often as I please. However, I insisted upon consulting my aunt
about the time of the wedding, for I determined her counsels should
not be utterly disregarded; and no conclusions on that particular
are come to yet.
CHAPTER XXI
October 1st. - All is settled now. My father has given his
consent, and the time is fixed for Christmas, by a sort of
compromise between the respective advocates for hurry and delay.
Milicent Hargrave is to be one bridesmaid and Annabella Wilmot the
other - not that I am particularly fond of the latter, but she is
an intimate of the family, and I have not another friend.
When I told Milicent of my engagement, she rather provoked me by
her manner of talking it. After staring a moment in mute surprise,
she said, - 'Well, Helen, I suppose I ought to congratulate you -
and I am glad to see you so happy; but I did not think you would
take him; and I can't help feeling surprised that you should like
him so much.'
'Why so?'
'Because you are so superior to him in every way, and there's
something so bold and reckless about him - so, I don't know how -
but I always feel a wish to get out of his way when I see him
approach.'
'You are timid, Milicent; but that's no fault of his.'
'And then his look,' continued she. 'People say he's handsome, and
of course he is; but I don't like that kind of beauty, and I wonder
that you should.'
'Why so, pray?'
'Well, you know, I think there's nothing noble or lofty in his
appearance.'
'In fact, you wonder that I can like any one so unlike the stilted
heroes of romance. Well, give me my flesh and blood lover, and
I'll leave all the Sir Herberts and Valentines to you - if you can
find them.'
'I don't want them,' said she. 'I'll be satisfied with flesh and
blood too - only the spirit must shine through and predominate.
But don't you think Mr. Huntingdon's face is too red?'
'No!' cried I, indignantly. 'It is not red at all. There is just
a pleasant glow, a healthy freshness in his complexion - the warm,
pinky tint of the whole harmonising with the deeper colour of the
cheeks, exactly as it ought to do. I hate a man to be red and
white, like a painted doll, or all sickly white, or smoky black, or
cadaverous yellow.'
'Well, tastes differ - but I like pale or dark,' replied she.
'But, to tell you the truth, Helen, I had been deluding myself with
the hope that you would one day be my sister. I expected Walter
would be introduced to you next season; and I thought you would
like him, and was certain he would like you; and I flattered myself
I should thus have the felicity of seeing the two persons I like
best in the world - except mamma - united in one. He mayn't be
exactly what you would call handsome, but he's far more
distinguished-looking, and nicer and better than Mr. Huntingdon; -
and I'm sure you would say so, if you knew him.'
'Impossible, Milicent! You think so, because you're his sister;
and, on that account, I'll forgive you; but nobody else should so
disparage Arthur Huntingdon to me with impunity.'
Miss Wilmot expressed her feelings on the subject almost as openly.
'And so, Helen,' said she, coming up to me with a smile of no
amiable import, 'you are to be Mrs. Huntingdon, I suppose?'
'Yes,' replied I. 'Don't you envy me?'
'Oh, dear, no!' she exclaimed. 'I shall probably be Lady
Lowborough some day, and then you know, dear, I shall be in a
capacity to inquire, "Don't you envy me?"'
'Henceforth I shall envy no one,' returned I.
'Indeed! Are you so happy then?' said she, thoughtfully; and
something very like a cloud of disappointment shadowed her face.
'And does he love you - I mean, does he idolise you as much as you
do him?' she added, fixing her eyes upon me with ill-disguised
anxiety for the reply.
'I don't want to be idolised,' I answered; 'but I am well assured
that he loves me more than anybody else in the world - as I do
him.'
'Exactly,' said she, with a nod. 'I wish - ' she paused.
'What do you wish?' asked I, annoyed at the vindictive expression
of her countenance.
'I wish,' returned, she, with a short laugh, 'that all the
attractive points and desirable qualifications of the two gentlemen
were united in one - that Lord Lowborough had Huntingdon's handsome
face and good temper, and all his wit, and mirth and charm, or else
that Huntingdon had Lowborough's pedigree, and title, and
delightful old family seat, and I had him; and you might have the
other and welcome.'
'Thank you, dear Annabella: I am better satisfied with things as
they are, for my own part; and for you, I wish you were as well
content with your intended as I am with mine,' said I; and it was
true enough; for, though vexed at first at her unamiable spirit,
her frankness touched me, and the contrast between our situations
was such, that I could well afford to pity her and wish her well.
Mr. Huntingdon's acquaintances appear to be no better pleased with
our approaching union than mine. This morning's post brought him
letters from several of his friends, during the perusal of which,
at the breakfast-table, he excited the attention of the company by
the singular variety of his grimaces. But he crushed them all into
his pocket, with a private laugh, and said nothing till the meal
was concluded. Then, while the company were hanging over the fire
or loitering through the room, previous to settling to their
various morning avocations, he came and leant over the back of my
chair, with his face in contact with my curls, and commencing with
a quiet little kiss, poured forth the following complaints into my
ear:-
'Helen, you witch, do you know that you've entailed upon me the
curses of all my friends? I wrote to them the other day, to tell
them of my happy prospects, and now, instead of a bundle of
congratulations, I've got a pocketful of bitter execrations and
reproaches. There's not one kind wish for me, or one good word for
you, among them all. They say there'll be no more fun now, no more
merry days and glorious nights - and all my fault - I am the first
to break up the jovial band, and others, in pure despair, will
follow my example. I was the very life and prop of the community,
they do me the honour to say, and I have shamefully betrayed my
trust - '
'You may join them again, if you like,' said I, somewhat piqued at
the sorrowful tone of his discourse. 'I should be sorry to stand
between any man - or body of men, and so much happiness; and
perhaps I can manage to do without you, as well as your poor
deserted friends.'
'Bless you, no,' murmured he. 'It's "all for love or the world
well lost," with me. Let them go to - where they belong, to speak
politely. But if you saw how they abuse me, Helen, you would love
me all the more for having ventured so much for your sake.'
He pulled out his crumpled letters. I thought he was going to show
them to me, and told him I did not wish to see them.
'I'm not going to show them to you, love,' said he. 'They're
hardly fit for a lady's eyes - the most part of them. But look
here. This is Grimsby's scrawl - only three lines, the sulky dog!
He doesn't say much, to be sure, but his very silence implies more
than all the others' words, and the less he says, the more he
thinks - and this is Hargrave's missive. He is particularly
grieved at me, because, forsooth he had fallen in love with you
from his sister's reports, and meant to have married you himself,
as soon as he had sown his wild oats.'
'I'm vastly obliged to him,' observed I.
'And so am I,' said he. 'And look at this. This is Hattersley's -
every page stuffed full of railing accusations, bitter curses, and
lamentable complaints, ending up with swearing that he'll get
married himself in revenge: he'll throw himself away on the first
old maid that chooses to set her cap at him, - as if I cared what
he did with himself.'
'Well,' said I, 'if you do give up your intimacy with these men, I
don't think you will have much cause to regret the loss of their
society; for it's my belief they never did you much good.'
'Maybe not; but we'd a merry time of it, too, though mingled with
sorrow and pain, as Lowborough knows to his cost - Ha, ha!' and
while he was laughing at the recollection of Lowborough's troubles,
my uncle came and slapped him on the shoulder.
'Come, my lad!' said he. 'Are you too busy making love to my niece
to make war with the pheasants? - First of October, remember! Sun
shines out - rain ceased - even Boarham's not afraid to venture in
his waterproof boots; and Wilmot and I are going to beat you all.
I declare, we old 'uns are the keenest sportsmen of the lot!'
'I'll show you what I can do to-day, however,' said my companion.
'I'll murder your birds by wholesale, just for keeping me away from
better company than either you or them.'
And so saying he departed; and I saw no more of him till dinner.
It seemed a weary time; I wonder what I shall do without him.
It is very true that the three elder gentlemen have proved
themselves much keener sportsmen than the two younger ones; for
both Lord Lowborough and Arthur Huntingdon have of late almost
daily neglected the shooting excursions to accompany us in our
various rides and rambles. But these merry times are fast drawing
to a close. In less than a fortnight the party break up, much to
my sorrow, for every day I enjoy it more and more - now that
Messrs. Boarham and Wilmot have ceased to tease me, and my aunt has
ceased to lecture me, and I have ceased to be jealous of Annabella
- and even to dislike her - and now that Mr. Huntingdon is become
my Arthur, and I may enjoy his society without restraint. What
shall I do without him, I repeat?
CHAPTER XXII
October 5th. - My cup of sweets is not unmingled: it is dashed
with a bitterness that I cannot hide from myself, disguise it as I
will. I may try to persuade myself that the sweetness overpowers
it; I may call it a pleasant aromatic flavour; but say what I will,
it is still there, and I cannot but taste it. I cannot shut my
eyes to Arthur's faults; and the more I love him the more they
trouble me. His very heart, that I trusted so, is, I fear, less
warm and generous than I thought it. At least, he gave me a
specimen of his character to-day that seemed to merit a harder name
than thoughtlessness. He and Lord Lowborough were accompanying
Annabella and me in a long, delightful ride; he was riding by my
side, as usual, and Annabella and Lord Lowborough were a little
before us, the latter bending towards his companion as if in tender
and confidential discourse.
'Those two will get the start of us, Helen, if we don't look
sharp,' observed Huntingdon. 'They'll make a match of it, as sure
as can be. That Lowborough's fairly besotted. But he'll find
himself in a fix when he's got her, I doubt.'
'And she'll find herself in a fix when she's got him,' said I, 'if
what I've heard of him is true.'
'Not a bit of it. She knows what she's about; but he, poor fool,
deludes himself with the notion that she'll make him a good wife,
and because she has amused him with some rodomontade about
despising rank and wealth in matters of love and marriage, he
flatters himself that she's devotedly attached to him; that she
will not refuse him for his poverty, and does not court him for his
rank, but loves him for himself alone.'
'But is not he courting her for her fortune?'
'No, not he. That was the first attraction, certainly; but now he
has quite lost sight of it: it never enters his calculations,
except merely as an essential without which, for the lady's own
sake, he could not think of marrying her. No; he's fairly in love.
He thought he never could be again, but he's in for it once more.
He was to have been married before, some two or three years ago;
but he lost his bride by losing his fortune. He got into a bad way
among us in London: he had an unfortunate taste for gambling; and
surely the fellow was born under an unlucky star, for he always
lost thrice where he gained once. That's a mode of self-torment I
never was much addicted to. When I spend my money I like to enjoy
the full value of it: I see no fun in wasting it on thieves and
blacklegs; and as for gaining money, hitherto I have always had
sufficient; it's time enough to be clutching for more, I think,
when you begin to see the end of what you have. But I have
sometimes frequented the gaming-houses just to watch the on-goings
of those mad votaries of chance - a very interesting study, I
assure you, Helen, and sometimes very diverting: I've had many a
laugh at the boobies and bedlamites. Lowborough was quite
infatuated - not willingly, but of necessity, - he was always
resolving to give it up, and always breaking his resolutions.
Every venture was the 'just once more:' if he gained a little, he
hoped to gain a little more next time, and if he lost, it would not
do to leave off at that juncture; he must go on till he had
retrieved that last misfortune, at least: bad luck could not last
for ever; and every lucky hit was looked upon as the dawn of better
times, till experience proved the contrary. At length he grew
desperate, and we were daily on the look-out for a case of FELO-DESE
- no great matter, some of us whispered, as his existence had
ceased to be an acquisition to our club. At last, however, he came
to a check. He made a large stake, which he determined should be
the last, whether he lost or won. He had often so determined
before, to be sure, and as often broken his determination; and so
it was this time. He lost; and while his antagonist smilingly
swept away the stakes, he turned chalky white, drew back in
silence, and wiped his forehead. I was present at the time; and
while he stood with folded arms and eyes fixed on the ground, I
knew well enough what was passing in his mind.
'"Is it to be the last, Lowborough?" said I, stepping up to him.
'"The last but one," he answered, with a grim smile; and then,
rushing back to the table, he struck his hand upon it, and, raising
his voice high above all the confusion of jingling coins and
muttered oaths and curses in the room, he swore a deep and solemn
oath that, come what would, this trial should be the last, and
imprecated unspeakable curses on his head if ever he should shuffle
a card or rattle a dice-box again. He then doubled his former
stake, and challenged any one present to play against him. Grimsby
instantly presented himself. Lowborough glared fiercely at him,
for Grimsby was almost as celebrated for his luck as he was for his
ill-fortune. However, they fell to work. But Grimsby had much
skill and little scruple, and whether he took advantage of the
other's trembling, blinded eagerness to deal unfairly by him, I
cannot undertake to say; but Lowborough lost again, and fell dead
sick.
'"You'd better try once more," said Grimsby, leaning across the
table. And then he winked at me.
'"I've nothing to try with," said the poor devil, with a ghastly
smile.
'"Oh, Huntingdon will lend you what you want," said the other.
'"No; you heard my oath," answered Lowborough, turning away in
quiet despair. And I took him by the arm and led him out.
'"Is it to be the last, Lowborough?" I asked, when I got him into
the street.
'"The last," he answered, somewhat against my expectation. And I
took him home - that is, to our club - for he was as submissive as
a child - and plied him with brandy-and-water till he began to look
rather brighter - rather more alive, at least.
'"Huntingdon, I'm ruined!" said he, taking the third glass from my
hand - he had drunk the others in dead silence.
'"Not you," said I. "You'll find a man can live without his money
as merrily as a tortoise without its head, or a wasp without its
body.
'"But I'm in debt," said he - "deep in debt. And I can never,
never get out of it."
'"Well, what of that? Many a better man than you has lived and
died in debt; and they can't put you in prison, you know, because
you're a peer." And I handed him his fourth tumbler.
'"But I hate to be in debt!" he shouted. "I wasn't born for it,
and I cannot bear it."
'"What can't be cured must be endured," said I, beginning to mix
the fifth.
'"And then, I've lost my Caroline." And he began to snivel then,
for the brandy had softened his heart.
'"No matter," I answered, "there are more Carolines in the world
than one."
'"There's only one for me," he replied, with a dolorous sigh. "And
if there were fifty more, who's to get them, I wonder, without
money?"
'"Oh, somebody will take you for your title; and then you've your
family estate yet; that's entailed, you know."
'"I wish to God I could sell it to pay my debts," he muttered.
'"And then," said Grimsby, who had just come in, "you can try
again, you know. I would have more than one chance, if I were you.
I'd never stop here."
'"I won't, I tell you!" shouted he. And he started up, and left
the room - walking rather unsteadily, for the liquor had got into
his head. He was not so much used to it then, but after that he
took to it kindly to solace his cares.
'He kept his oath about gambling (not a little to the surprise of
us all), though Grimsby did his utmost to tempt him to break it,
but now he had got hold of another habit that bothered him nearly
as much, for he soon discovered that the demon of drink was as
black as the demon of play, and nearly as hard to get rid of -
especially as his kind friends did all they could to second the
promptings of his own insatiable cravings.'
'Then, they were demons themselves,' cried I, unable to contain my
indignation. 'And you, Mr. Huntingdon, it seems, were the first to
tempt him.'
'Well, what could we do?' replied he, deprecatingly. - 'We meant it
in kindness - we couldn't bear to see the poor fellow so
miserable:- and besides, he was such a damper upon us, sitting
there silent and glum, when he was under the threefold influence -
of the loss of his sweetheart, the loss of his fortune, and the
reaction of the lost night's debauch; whereas, when he had
something in him, if he was not merry himself, he was an unfailing
source of merriment to us. Even Grimsby could chuckle over his odd
sayings: they delighted him far more than my merry jests, or
Hattersley's riotous mirth. But one evening, when we were sitting
over our wine, after one of our club dinners, and all had been
hearty together, - Lowborough giving us mad toasts, and hearing our
wild songs, and bearing a hand in the applause, if he did not help
us to sing them himself, - he suddenly relapsed into silence,
sinking his head on his hand, and never lifting his glass to his
lips; - but this was nothing new; so we let him alone, and went on
with our jollification, till, suddenly raising his head, he
interrupted us in the middle of a roar of laughter by exclaiming, -
'Gentlemen, where is all this to end? - Will you just tell me that
now? - Where is it all to end?' He rose.
'"A speech, a speech!" shouted we. "Hear, hear! Lowborough's
going to give us a speech!"
'He waited calmly till the thunders of applause and jingling of
glasses had ceased, and then proceeded, - "It's only this,
gentlemen, - that I think we'd better go no further. We'd better
stop while we can."
'"Just so!" cried Hattersley -
"Stop, poor sinner, stop and think
Before you further go,
No longer sport upon the brink
Of everlasting woe."
'"Exactly!" replied his lordship, with the utmost gravity. "And if
you choose to visit the bottomless pit, I won't go with you - we
must part company, for I swear I'll not move another step towards
it! - What's this?' he said, taking up his glass of wine.
'"Taste it," suggested I.
'"This is hell broth!" he exclaimed. "I renounce it for ever!"
And he threw it out into the middle of the table.
'"Fill again!" said I, handing him the bottle - "and let us drink
to your renunciation."
'"It's rank poison," said he, grasping the bottle by the neck, "and
I forswear it! I've given up gambling, and I'll give up this too."
He was on the point of deliberately pouring the whole contents of
the bottle on to the table, but Hargrave wrested it from him. "On
you be the curse, then!" said he. And, backing from the room, he
shouted, "Farewell, ye tempters!" and vanished amid shouts of
laughter and applause.
'We expected him back among us the next day; but, to our surprise,
the place remained vacant: we saw nothing of him for a whole week;
and we really began to think he was going to keep his word. At
last, one evening, when we were most of us assembled together
again, he entered, silent and grim as a ghost, and would have
quietly slipped into his usual seat at my elbow, but we all rose to
welcome him, and several voices were raised to ask what he would
have, and several hands were busy with bottle and glass to serve
him; but I knew a smoking tumbler of brandy-and-water would comfort
him best, and had nearly prepared it, when he peevishly pushed it
away, saying, -
'"Do let me alone, Huntingdon! Do be quiet, all of you! I'm not
come to join you: I'm only come to be with you awhile, because I
can't bear my own thoughts." And he folded his arms, and leant
back in his chair; so we let him be. But I left the glass by him;
and, after awhile, Grimsby directed my attention towards it, by a
significant wink; and, on turning my head, I saw it was drained to
the bottom. He made me a sign to replenish, and quietly pushed up
the bottle. I willingly complied; but Lowborough detected the
pantomime, and, nettled at the intelligent grins that were passing
between us, snatched the glass from my hand, dashed the contents of
it in Grimsby's face, threw the empty tumbler at me, and then
bolted from the room.'
'I hope he broke your head,' said I.
'No, love,' replied he, laughing immoderately at the recollection
of the whole affair; 'he would have done so, - and perhaps, spoilt
my face, too, but, providentially, this forest of curls' (taking
off his hat, and showing his luxuriant chestnut locks) 'saved my
skull, and prevented the glass from breaking, till it reached the
table.'
'After that,' he continued, 'Lowborough kept aloof from us a week
or two longer. I used to meet him occasionally in the town; and
then, as I was too good-natured to resent his unmannerly conduct,
and he bore no malice against me, - he was never unwilling to talk
to me; on the contrary, he would cling to me, and follow me
anywhere but to the club, and the gaming-houses, and such-like
dangerous places of resort - he was so weary of his own moping,
melancholy mind. At last, I got him to come in with me to the
club, on condition that I would not tempt him to drink; and, for
some time, he continued to look in upon us pretty regularly of an
evening, - still abstaining, with wonderful perseverance, from the
"rank poison" he had so bravely forsworn. But some of our members
protested against this conduct. They did not like to have him
sitting there like a skeleton at a feast, instead of contributing
his quota to the general amusement, casting a cloud over all, and
watching, with greedy eyes, every drop they carried to their lips -
they vowed it was not fair; and some of them maintained that he
should either be compelled to do as others did, or expelled from
the society; and swore that, next time he showed himself, they
would tell him as much, and, if he did not take the warning,
proceed to active measures. However, I befriended him on this
occasion, and recommended them to let him be for a while,
intimating that, with a little patience on our parts, he would soon
come round again. But, to be sure, it was rather provoking; for,
though he refused to drink like an honest Christian, it was well
known to me that he kept a private bottle of laudanum about him,
which he was continually soaking at - or rather, holding off and on
with, abstaining one day and exceeding the next - just like the
spirits.
'One night, however, during one of our orgies - one of our high
festivals, I mean - he glided in, like the ghost in "Macbeth," and
seated himself, as usual, a little back from the table, in the
chair we always placed for "the spectre," whether it chose to fill
it or not. I saw by his face that he was suffering from the
effects of an overdose of his insidious comforter; but nobody spoke
to him, and he spoke to nobody. A few sidelong glances, and a
whispered observation, that "the ghost was come," was all the
notice he drew by his appearance, and we went on with our merry
carousals as before, till he startled us all by suddenly drawing in
his chair, and leaning forward with his elbows on the table, and
exclaiming with portentous solemnity, - "Well! it puzzles me what
you can find to be so merry about. What you see in life I don't
know - I see only the blackness of darkness, and a fearful looking
for of judgment and fiery indignation!"
'All the company simultaneously pushed up their glasses to him, and
I set them before him in a semicircle, and, tenderly patting him on
the back, bid him drink, and he would soon see as bright a prospect
as any of us; but he pushed them back, muttering, -
'"Take them away! I won't taste it, I tell you. I won't - I
won't!" So I handed them down again to the owners; but I saw that
he followed them with a glare of hungry regret as they departed.
Then he clasped his hands before his eyes to shut out the sight,
and two minutes after lifted his head again, and said, in a hoarse
but vehement whisper, -
'"And yet I must! Huntingdon, get me a glass!"
'"Take the bottle, man!" said I, thrusting the brandy-bottle into
his hand - but stop, I'm telling too much,' muttered the narrator,
startled at the look I turned upon him. 'But no matter,' he
recklessly added, and thus continued his relation: 'In his
desperate eagerness, he seized the bottle and sucked away, till he
suddenly dropped from his chair, disappearing under the table amid
a tempest of applause. The consequence of this imprudence was
something like an apoplectic fit, followed by a rather severe brain
fever - '
'And what did you think of yourself, sir?' said I, quickly.
'Of course, I was very penitent,' he replied. 'I went to see him
once or twice - nay, twice or thrice - or by'r lady, some four
times - and when he got better, I tenderly brought him back to the
fold.'
'What do you mean?'
'I mean, I restored him to the bosom of the club, and
compassionating the feebleness of his health and extreme lowness of
his spirits, I recommended him to "take a little wine for his
stomach's sake," and, when he was sufficiently re-established, to
embrace the media-via, ni-jamais-ni-toujours plan - not to kill
himself like a fool, and not to abstain like a ninny - in a word,
to enjoy himself like a rational creature, and do as I did; for,
don't think, Helen, that I'm a tippler; I'm nothing at all of the
kind, and never was, and never shall be. I value my comfort far
too much. I see that a man cannot give himself up to drinking
without being miserable one-half his days and mad the other;
besides, I like to enjoy my life at all sides and ends, which
cannot be done by one that suffers himself to be the slave of a
single propensity - and, moreover, drinking spoils one's good
looks,' he concluded, with a most conceited smile that ought to
have provoked me more than it did.
'And did Lord Lowborough profit by your advice?' I asked.
'Why, yes, in a manner. For a while he managed very well; indeed,
he was a model of moderation and prudence - something too much so
for the tastes of our wild community; but, somehow, Lowborough had
not the gift of moderation: if he stumbled a little to one side,
he must go down before he could right himself: if he overshot the
mark one night, the effects of it rendered him so miserable the
next day that he must repeat the offence to mend it; and so on from
day to day, till his clamorous conscience brought him to a stand.
And then, in his sober moments, he so bothered his friends with his
remorse, and his terrors and woes, that they were obliged, in selfdefence,
to get him to drown his sorrows in wine, or any more
potent beverage that came to hand; and when his first scruples of
conscience were overcome, he would need no more persuading, he
would often grow desperate, and be as great a blackguard as any of
them could desire - but only to lament his own unutterable
wickedness and degradation the more when the fit was over.
'At last, one day when he and I were alone together, after
pondering awhile in one of his gloomy, abstracted moods, with his
arms folded and his head sunk on his breast, he suddenly woke up,
and vehemently grasping my arm, said, -
'"Huntingdon, this won't do! I'm resolved to have done with it."
'"What, are you going to shoot yourself?" said I.
'"No; I'm going to reform."
'"Oh, that's nothing new! You've been going to reform these twelve
months and more."
'"Yes, but you wouldn't let me; and I was such a fool I couldn't
live without you. But now I see what it is that keeps me back, and
what's wanted to save me; and I'd compass sea and land to get it -
only I'm afraid there's no chance." And he sighed as if his heart
would break.
'"What is it, Lowborough?" said I, thinking he was fairly cracked
at last.
'"A wife," he answered; "for I can't live alone, because my own
mind distracts me, and I can't live with you, because you take the
devil's part against me."
'"Who - I?"
'"Yes - all of you do - and you more than any of them, you know.
But if I could get a wife, with fortune enough to pay off my debts
and set me straight in the world - "
'"To be sure," said I.
'"And sweetness and goodness enough," he continued, "to make home
tolerable, and to reconcile me to myself, I think I should do yet.
I shall never be in love again, that's certain; but perhaps that
would be no great matter, it would enable me to choose with my eyes
open - and I should make a good husband in spite of it; but could
any one be in love with me? - that's the question. With your good
looks and powers of fascination" (he was pleased to say), "I might
hope; but as it is, Huntingdon, do you think anybody would take me
- ruined and wretched as I am?"
'"Yes, certainly."
'"Who?"
'"Why, any neglected old maid, fast sinking in despair, would be
delighted to - "
'"No, no," said he - "it must be somebody that I can love."
'"Why, you just said you never could be in love again!'
'"Well, love is not the word - but somebody that I can like. I'll
search all England through, at all events!" he cried, with a sudden
burst of hope, or desperation. "Succeed or fail, it will be better
than rushing headlong to destruction at that d-d club: so farewell
to it and you. Whenever I meet you on honest ground or under a
Christian roof, I shall be glad to see you; but never more shall
you entice me to that devil's den!"
'This was shameful language, but I shook hands with him, and we
parted. He kept his word; and from that time forward he has been a
pattern of propriety, as far as I can tell; but till lately I have
not had very much to do with him. He occasionally sought my
company, but as frequently shrunk from it, fearing lest I should
wile him back to destruction, and I found his not very
entertaining, especially as he sometimes attempted to awaken my
conscience and draw me from the perdition he considered himself to
have escaped; but when I did happen to meet him, I seldom failed to
ask after the progress of his matrimonial efforts and researches,
and, in general, he could give me but a poor account. The mothers
were repelled by his empty coffers and his reputation for gambling,
and the daughters by his cloudy brow and melancholy temper -
besides, he didn't understand them; he wanted the spirit and
assurance to carry his point.
'I left him at it when I went to the continent; and on my return,
at the year's end, I found him still a disconsolate bachelor -
though, certainly, looking somewhat less like an unblest exile from
the tomb than before. The young ladies had ceased to be afraid of
him, and were beginning to think him quite interesting; but the
mammas were still unrelenting. It was about this time, Helen, that
my good angel brought me into conjunction with you; and then I had
eyes and ears for nobody else. But, meantime, Lowborough became
acquainted with our charming friend, Miss Wilmot - through the
intervention of his good angel, no doubt he would tell you, though
he did not dare to fix his hopes on one so courted and admired,
till after they were brought into closer contact here at
Staningley, and she, in the absence of her other admirers,
indubitably courted his notice and held out every encouragement to
his timid advances. Then, indeed, he began to hope for a dawn of
brighter days; and if, for a while, I darkened his prospects by
standing between him and his sun - and so nearly plunged him again
into the abyss of despair - it only intensified his ardour and
strengthened his hopes when I chose to abandon the field in the
pursuit of a brighter treasure. In a word, as I told you, he is
fairly besotted. At first, he could dimly perceive her faults, and
they gave him considerable uneasiness; but now his passion and her
art together have blinded him to everything but her perfections and
his amazing good fortune. Last night he came to me brimful of his
new-found felicity:
'"Huntingdon, I am not a castaway!" said he, seizing my hand and
squeezing it like a vice. "There is happiness in store for me yet
- even in this life - she loves me!"
'"Indeed!" said I. "Has she told you so?"
'"No, but I can no longer doubt it. Do you not see how pointedly
kind and affectionate she is? And she knows the utmost extent of
my poverty, and cares nothing about it! She knows all the folly
and all the wickedness of my former life, and is not afraid to
trust me - and my rank and title are no allurements to her; for
them she utterly disregards. She is the most generous, high-minded
being that can be conceived of. She will save me, body and soul,
from destruction. Already, she has ennobled me in my own
estimation, and made me three times better, wiser, greater than I
was. Oh! if I had but known her before, how much degradation and
misery I should have been spared! But what have I done to deserve
so magnificent a creature?"
'And the cream of the jest,' continued Mr. Huntingdon, laughing,
'is, that the artful minx loves nothing about him but his title and
pedigree, and "that delightful old family seat."'
'How do you know?' said I.
'She told me so herself; she said, "As for the man himself, I
thoroughly despise him; but then, I suppose, it is time to be
making my choice, and if I waited for some one capable of eliciting
my esteem and affection, I should have to pass my life in single
blessedness, for I detest you all!" Ha, ha! I suspect she was
wrong there; but, however, it is evident she has no love for him,
poor fellow.'
'Then you ought to tell him so.'
'What! and spoil all her plans and prospects, poor girl? No, no:
that would be a breach of confidence, wouldn't it, Helen? Ha, ha!
Besides, it would break his heart.' And he laughed again.
'Well, Mr. Huntingdon, I don't know what you see so amazingly
diverting in the matter; I see nothing to laugh at.'
'I'm laughing at you, just now, love,' said he, redoubling his
machinations.
And leaving him to enjoy his merriment alone, I touched Ruby with
the whip, and cantered on to rejoin our companions; for we had been
walking our horses all this time, and were consequently a long way
behind. Arthur was soon at my side again; but not disposed to talk
to him, I broke into a gallop. He did the same; and we did not
slacken our pace till we came up with Miss Wilmot and Lord
Lowborough, which was within half a mile of the park-gates. I
avoided all further conversation with him till we came to the end
of our ride, when I meant to jump off my horse and vanish into the
house, before he could offer his assistance; but while I was
disengaging my habit from the crutch, he lifted me off, and held me
by both hands, asserting that he would not let me go till I had
forgiven him.
'I have nothing to forgive,' said I. 'You have not injured me.'
'No, darling - God forbid that I should! but you are angry because
it was to me that Annabella confessed her lack of esteem for her
lover.'
'No, Arthur, it is not that that displeases me: it is the whole
system of your conduct towards your friend, and if you wish me to
forget it, go now, and tell him what sort of a woman it is that he
adores so madly, and on whom he has hung his hopes of future
happiness.'
'I tell you, Helen, it would break his heart - it would be the
death of him - besides being a scandalous trick to poor Annabella.
There is no help for him now; he is past praying for. Besides, she
may keep up the deception to the end of the chapter; and then he
will be just as happy in the illusion as if it were reality; or
perhaps he will only discover his mistake when he has ceased to
love her; and if not, it is much better that the truth should dawn
gradually upon him. So now, my angel, I hope I have made out a
clear case, and fully convinced you that I cannot make the
atonement you require. What other requisition have you to make?
Speak, and I will gladly obey.'
'I have none but this,' said I, as gravely as before: 'that, in
future, you will never make a jest of the sufferings of others, and
always use your influence with your friends for their own advantage
against their evil propensities, instead of seconding their evil
propensities against themselves.'
'I will do my utmost,' said he, 'to remember and perform the
injunctions of my angel monitress;' and after kissing both my
gloved hands, he let me go.
When I entered my room, I was surprised to see Annabella Wilmot
standing before my toilet-table, composedly surveying her features
in the glass, with one hand flirting her gold-mounted whip, and the
other holding up her long habit.
'She certainly is a magnificent creature!' thought I, as I beheld
that tall, finely developed figure, and the reflection of the
handsome face in the mirror before me, with the glossy dark hair,
slightly and not ungracefully disordered by the breezy ride, the
rich brown complexion glowing with exercise, and the black eyes
sparkling with unwonted brilliance. On perceiving me, she turned
round, exclaiming, with a laugh that savoured more of malice than
of mirth, - 'Why, Helen! what have you been doing so long? I came
to tell you my good fortune,' she continued, regardless of Rachel's
presence. 'Lord Lowborough has proposed, and I have been
graciously pleased to accept him. Don't you envy me, dear?'
'No, love,' said I - 'or him either,' I mentally added. 'And do
you like him, Annabella?'
'Like him! yes, to be sure - over head and ears in love!'
'Well, I hope you'll make him a good wife.'
'Thank you, my dear! And what besides do you hope?'
'I hope you will both love each other, and both be happy.'
'Thanks; and I hope you will make a very good wife to Mr.
Huntingdon!' said she, with a queenly bow, and retired.
'Oh, Miss! how could you say so to her!' cried Rachel.
'Say what?' replied I.
'Why, that you hoped she would make him a good wife. I never heard
such a thing!'
'Because I do hope it, or rather, I wish it; she's almost past
hope.'
'Well,' said she, 'I'm sure I hope he'll make her a good husband.
They tell queer things about him downstairs. They were saying - '
'I know, Rachel. I've heard all about him; but he's reformed now.
And they have no business to tell tales about their masters.'
'No, mum - or else, they have said some things about Mr. Huntingdon
too.'
'I won't hear them, Rachel; they tell lies.'
'Yes, mum,' said she, quietly, as she went on arranging my hair.
'Do you believe them, Rachel?' I asked, after a short pause.
'No, Miss, not all. You know when a lot of servants gets together
they like to talk about their betters; and some, for a bit of
swagger, likes to make it appear as though they knew more than they
do, and to throw out hints and things just to astonish the others.
But I think, if I was you, Miss Helen, I'd look very well before I
leaped. I do believe a young lady can't be too careful who she
marries.'
'Of course not,' said I; 'but be quick, will you, Rachel? I want
to be dressed.'
And, indeed, I was anxious to be rid of the good woman, for I was
in such a melancholy frame I could hardly keep the tears out of my
eyes while she dressed me. It was not for Lord Lowborough - it was
not for Annabella - it was not for myself - it was for Arthur
Huntingdon that they rose.
* * * * *
13th. - They are gone, and he is gone. We are to be parted for
more than two months, above ten weeks! a long, long time to live
and not to see him. But he has promised to write often, and made
me promise to write still oftener, because he will be busy settling
his affairs, and I shall have nothing better to do. Well, I think
I shall always have plenty to say. But oh! for the time when we
shall be always together, and can exchange our thoughts without the
intervention of these cold go-betweens, pen, ink, and paper!
22nd. - I have had several letters from Arthur already. They are
not long, but passing sweet, and just like himself, full of ardent
affection, and playful lively humour; but there is always a 'but'
in this imperfect world, and I do wish he would sometimes be
serious. I cannot get him to write or speak in real, solid
earnest. I don't much mind it now, but if it be always so, what
shall I do with the serious part of myself?
CHAPTER XXIII
Feb. 18, 1822. - Early this morning Arthur mounted his hunter and
set off in high glee to meet the - hounds. He will be away all
day, and so I will amuse myself with my neglected diary, if I can
give that name to such an irregular composition. It is exactly
four months since I opened it last.
I am married now, and settled down as Mrs. Huntingdon of Grassdale
Manor. I have had eight weeks' experience of matrimony. And do I
regret the step I have taken? No, though I must confess, in my
secret heart, that Arthur is not what I thought him at first, and
if I had known him in the beginning as thoroughly as I do now, I
probably never should have loved him, and if I loved him first, and
then made the discovery, I fear I should have thought it my duty
not to have married him. To be sure I might have known him, for
every one was willing enough to tell me about him, and he himself
was no accomplished hypocrite, but I was wilfully blind; and now,
instead of regretting that I did not discern his full character
before I was indissolubly bound to him, I am glad, for it has saved
me a great deal of battling with my conscience, and a great deal of
consequent trouble and pain; and, whatever I ought to have done, my
duty now is plainly to love him and to cleave to him, and this just
tallies with my inclination.
He is very fond of me, almost too fond. I could do with less
caressing and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet
and more of a friend, if I might choose; but I won't complain of
that: I am only afraid his affection loses in depth where it gains
in ardour. I sometimes liken it to a fire of dry twigs and
branches compared with one of solid coal, very bright and hot; but
if it should burn itself out and leave nothing but ashes behind,
what shall I do? But it won't, it sha'n't, I am determined; and
surely I have power to keep it alive. So let me dismiss that
thought at once. But Arthur is selfish; I am constrained to
acknowledge that; and, indeed, the admission gives me less pain
than might be expected, for, since I love him so much, I can easily
forgive him for loving himself: he likes to be pleased, and it is
my delight to please him; and when I regret this tendency of his,
it is for his own sake, not for mine.
The first instance he gave was on the occasion of our bridal tour.
He wanted to hurry it over, for all the continental scenes were
already familiar to him: many had lost their interest in his eyes,
and others had never had anything to lose. The consequence was,
that after a flying transit through part of France and part of
Italy, I came back nearly as ignorant as I went, having made no
acquaintance with persons and manners, and very little with things,
my head swarming with a motley confusion of objects and scenes;
some, it is true, leaving a deeper and more pleasing impression
than others, but these embittered by the recollection that my
emotions had not been shared by my companion, but that, on the
contrary, when I had expressed a particular interest in anything
that I saw or desired to see, it had been displeasing to him,
inasmuch as it proved that I could take delight in anything
disconnected with himself.
As for Paris, we only just touched at that, and he would not give
me time to see one-tenth of the beauties and interesting objects of
Rome. He wanted to get me home, he said, to have me all to
himself, and to see me safely installed as the mistress of
Grassdale Manor, just as single-minded, as naive, and piquante as I
was; and as if I had been some frail butterfly, he expressed
himself fearful of rubbing the silver off my wings by bringing me
into contact with society, especially that of Paris and Rome; and,
more-over, he did not scruple to tell me that there were ladies in
both places that would tear his eyes out if they happened to meet
him with me.
Of course I was vexed at all this; but still it was less the
disappointment to myself that annoyed me, than the disappointment
in him, and the trouble I was at to frame excuses to my friends for
having seen and observed so little, without imputing one particle
of blame to my companion. But when we got home - to my new,
delightful home - I was so happy and he was so kind that I freely
forgave him all; and I was beginning to think my lot too happy, and
my husband actually too good for me, if not too good for this
world, when, on the second Sunday after our arrival, he shocked and
horrified me by another instance of his unreasonable exaction. We
were walking home from the morning service, for it was a fine
frosty day, and as we are so near the church, I had requested the
carriage should not be used.
'Helen,' said he, with unusual gravity, 'I am not quite satisfied
with you.'
I desired to know what was wrong.
'But will you promise to reform if I tell you?'
'Yes, if I can, and without offending a higher authority.'
'Ah! there it is, you see: you don't love me with all your heart.'
'I don't understand you, Arthur (at least I hope I don't): pray
tell me what I have done or said amiss.'
'It is nothing you have done or said; it is something that you are
- you are too religious. Now I like a woman to be religious, and I
think your piety one of your greatest charms; but then, like all
other good things, it may be carried too far. To my thinking, a
woman's religion ought not to lessen her devotion to her earthly
lord. She should have enough to purify and etherealise her soul,
but not enough to refine away her heart, and raise her above all
human sympathies.'
'And am I above all human sympathies?' said I.
'No, darling; but you are making more progress towards that saintly
condition than I like; for all these two hours I have been thinking
of you and wanting to catch your eye, and you were so absorbed in
your devotions that you had not even a glance to spare for me - I
declare it is enough to make one jealous of one's Maker - which is
very wrong, you know; so don't excite such wicked passions again,
for my soul's sake.'
'I will give my whole heart and soul to my Maker if I can,' I
answered, 'and not one atom more of it to you than He allows. What
are you, sir, that you should set yourself up as a god, and presume
to dispute possession of my heart with Him to whom I owe all I have
and all I am, every blessing I ever did or ever can enjoy - and
yourself among the rest - if you are a blessing, which I am half
inclined to doubt.'
'Don't be so hard upon me, Helen; and don't pinch my arm so: you
are squeezing your fingers into the bone.'
'Arthur,' continued I, relaxing my hold of his arm, 'you don't love
me half as much as I do you; and yet, if you loved me far less than
you do, I would not complain, provided you loved your Maker more.
I should rejoice to see you at any time so deeply absorbed in your
devotions that you had not a single thought to spare for me. But,
indeed, I should lose nothing by the change, for the more you loved
your God the more deep and pure and true would be your love to me.'
At this he only laughed and kissed my hand, calling me a sweet
enthusiast. Then taking off his hat, he added: 'But look here,
Helen - what can a man do with such a head as this?'
The head looked right enough, but when he placed my hand on the top
of it, it sunk in a bed of curls, rather alarmingly low, especially
in the middle.
'You see I was not made to be a saint,' said he, laughing, 'If God
meant me to be religious, why didn't He give me a proper organ of
veneration?'
'You are like the servant,' I replied, 'who, instead of employing
his one talent in his master's service, restored it to him
unimproved, alleging, as an excuse, that he knew him "to be a hard
man, reaping where he had not sown, and gathering where he had not
strawed." Of him to whom less is given, less will be required, but
our utmost exertions are required of us all. You are not without
the capacity of veneration, and faith and hope, and conscience and
reason, and every other requisite to a Christian's character, if
you choose to employ them; but all our talents increase in the
using, and every faculty, both good and bad, strengthens by
exercise: therefore, if you choose to use the bad, or those which
tend to evil, till they become your masters, and neglect the good
till they dwindle away, you have only yourself to blame. But you
have talents, Arthur - natural endowments both of heart and mind
and temper, such as many a better Christian would be glad to
possess, if you would only employ them in God's service. I should
never expect to see you a devotee, but it is quite possible to be a
good Christian without ceasing to be a happy, merry-hearted man.'
'You speak like an oracle, Helen, and all you say is indisputably
true; but listen here: I am hungry, and I see before me a good
substantial dinner; I am told that if I abstain from this to-day I
shall have a sumptuous feast to-morrow, consisting of all manner of
dainties and delicacies. Now, in the first place, I should be loth
to wait till to-morrow when I have the means of appeasing my hunger
already before me: in the second place, the solid viands of to-day
are more to my taste than the dainties that are promised me; in the
third place, I don't see to-morrow's banquet, and how can I tell
that it is not all a fable, got up by the greasy-faced fellow that
is advising me to abstain in order that he may have all the good
victuals to himself? in the fourth place, this table must be spread
for somebody, and, as Solomon says, "Who can eat, or who else can
hasten hereunto more than I?" and finally, with your leave, I'll
sit down and satisfy my cravings of to-day, and leave to-morrow to
shift for itself - who knows but what I may secure both this and
that?'
'But you are not required to abstain from the substantial dinner of
to-day: you are only advised to partake of these coarser viands in
such moderation as not to incapacitate you from enjoying the
choicer banquet of to-morrow. If, regardless of that counsel, you
choose to make a beast of yourself now, and over-eat and over-drink
yourself till you turn the good victuals into poison, who is to
blame if, hereafter, while you are suffering the torments of
yesterday's gluttony and drunkenness, you see more temperate men
sitting down to enjoy themselves at that splendid entertainment
which you are unable to taste?'
'Most true, my patron saint; but again, our friend Solomon says,
"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and to drink, and to
be merry."'
'And again,' returned I, 'he says, "Rejoice, O young man, in thy
youth; and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of
thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will
bring thee into judgment."'
'Well, but, Helen, I'm sure I've been very good these last few
weeks. What have you seen amiss in me, and what would you have me
to do?'
'Nothing more than you do, Arthur: your actions are all right so
far; but I would have your thoughts changed; I would have you to
fortify yourself against temptation, and not to call evil good, and
good evil; I should wish you to think more deeply, to look further,
and aim higher than you do.'
CHAPTER XXIV
March 25th. - Arthur is getting tired - not of me, I trust, but of
the idle, quiet life he leads - and no wonder, for he has so few
sources of amusement: he never reads anything but newspapers and
sporting magazines; and when he sees me occupied with a book, he
won't let me rest till I close it. In fine weather he generally
manages to get through the time pretty well, but on rainy days, of
which we have had a good many of late, it is quite painful to
witness his ennui. I do all I can to amuse him, but it is
impossible to get him to feel interested in what I most like to
talk about, while, on the other hand, he likes to talk about things
that cannot interest me - or even that annoy me - and these please
him - the most of all: for his favourite amusement is to sit or
loll beside me on the sofa, and tell me stories of his former
amours, always turning upon the ruin of some confiding girl or the
cozening of some unsuspecting husband; and when I express my horror
and indignation, he lays it all to the charge of jealousy, and
laughs till the tears run down his cheeks. I used to fly into
passions or melt into tears at first, but seeing that his delight
increased in proportion to my anger and agitation, I have since
endeavoured to suppress my feelings and receive his revelations in
the silence of calm contempt; but still he reads the inward
struggle in my face, and misconstrues my bitterness of soul for his
unworthiness into the pangs of wounded jealousy; and when he has
sufficiently diverted himself with that, or fears my displeasure
will become too serious for his comfort, he tries to kiss and
soothe me into smiles again - never were his caresses so little
welcome as then! This is double selfishness displayed to me and to
the victims of his former love. There are times when, with a
momentary pang - a flash of wild dismay, I ask myself, 'Helen, what
have you done?' But I rebuke the inward questioner, and repel the
obtrusive thoughts that crowd upon me; for were he ten times as
sensual and impenetrable to good and lofty thoughts, I well know I
have no right to complain. And I don't and won't complain. I do
and will love him still; and I do not and will not regret that I
have linked my fate with his.
April 4th. - We have had a downright quarrel. The particulars are
as follows: Arthur had told me, at different intervals, the whole
story of his intrigue with Lady F-, which I would not believe
before. It was some consolation, however, to find that in this
instance the lady had been more to blame than he, for he was very
young at the time, and she had decidedly made the first advances,
if what he said was true. I hated her for it, for it seemed as if
she had chiefly contributed to his corruption; and when he was
beginning to talk about her the other day, I begged he would not
mention her, for I detested the very sound of her name.
'Not because you loved her, Arthur, mind, but because she injured
you and deceived her husband, and was altogether a very abominable
woman, whom you ought to be ashamed to mention.'
But he defended her by saying that she had a doting old husband,
whom it was impossible to love.
'Then why did she marry him?' said I.
'For his money,' was the reply.
'Then that was another crime, and her solemn promise to love and
honour him was another, that only increased the enormity of the
last.'
'You are too severe upon the poor lady,' laughed he. 'But never
mind, Helen, I don't care for her now; and I never loved any of
them half as much as I do you, so you needn't fear to be forsaken
like them.'
'If you had told me these things before, Arthur, I never should
have given you the chance.'
'Wouldn't you, my darling?'
'Most certainly not!'
He laughed incredulously.
'I wish I could convince you of it now!' cried I, starting up from
beside him: and for the first time in my life, and I hope the
last, I wished I had not married him.
'Helen,' said he, more gravely, 'do you know that if I believed you
now I should be very angry? but thank heaven I don't. Though you
stand there with your white face and flashing eyes, looking at me
like a very tigress, I know the heart within you perhaps a trifle
better than you know it yourself.'
Without another word I left the room and locked myself up in my own
chamber. In about half an hour he came to the door, and first he
tried the handle, then he knocked.
'Won't you let me in, Helen?' said he.
'No; you have displeased me,' I replied, 'and I don't want to see
your face or hear your voice again till the morning.'
He paused a moment as if dumfounded or uncertain how to answer such
a speech, and then turned and walked away. This was only an hour
after dinner: I knew he would find it very dull to sit alone all
the evening; and this considerably softened my resentment, though
it did not make me relent. I was determined to show him that my
heart was not his slave, and I could live without him if I chose;
and I sat down and wrote a long letter to my aunt, of course
telling her nothing of all this. Soon after ten o'clock I heard
him come up again, but he passed my door and went straight to his
own dressing-room, where he shut himself in for the night.
I was rather anxious to see how he would meet me in the morning,
and not a little disappointed to behold him enter the breakfastroom
with a careless smile.
'Are you cross still, Helen?' said he, approaching as if to salute
me. I coldly turned to the table, and began to pour out the
coffee, observing that he was rather late.
He uttered a low whistle and sauntered away to the window, where he
stood for some minutes looking out upon the pleasing prospect of
sullen grey clouds, streaming rain, soaking lawn, and dripping
leafless trees, and muttering execrations on the weather, and then
sat down to breakfast. While taking his coffee he muttered it was
'd-d cold.'
'You should not have left it so long,' said I.
He made no answer, and the meal was concluded in silence. It was a
relief to both when the letter-bag was brought in. It contained
upon examination a newspaper and one or two letters for him, and a
couple of letters for me, which he tossed across the table without
a remark. One was from my brother, the other from Milicent
Hargrave, who is now in London with her mother. His, I think, were
business letters, and apparently not much to his mind, for he
crushed them into his pocket with some muttered expletives that I
should have reproved him for at any other time. The paper he set
before him, and pretended to be deeply absorbed in its contents
during the remainder of breakfast, and a considerable time after.
The reading and answering of my letters, and the direction of
household concerns, afforded me ample employment for the morning:
after lunch I got my drawing, and from dinner till bed-time I read.
Meanwhile, poor Arthur was sadly at a loss for something to amuse
him or to occupy his time. He wanted to appear as busy and as
unconcerned as I did. Had the weather at all permitted, he would
doubtless have ordered his horse and set off to some distant
region, no matter where, immediately after breakfast, and not
returned till night: had there been a lady anywhere within reach,
of any age between fifteen and forty-five, he would have sought
revenge and found employment in getting up, or trying to get up, a
desperate flirtation with her; but being, to my private
satisfaction, entirely cut off from both these sources of
diversion, his sufferings were truly deplorable. When he had done
yawning over his paper and scribbling short answers to his shorter
letters, he spent the remainder of the morning and the whole of the
afternoon in fidgeting about from room to room, watching the
clouds, cursing the rain, alternately petting and teasing and
abusing his dogs, sometimes lounging on the sofa with a book that
he could not force himself to read, and very often fixedly gazing
at me when he thought I did not perceive it, with the vain hope of
detecting some traces of tears, or some tokens of remorseful
anguish in my face. But I managed to preserve an undisturbed
though grave serenity throughout the day. I was not really angry:
I felt for him all the time, and longed to be reconciled; but I
determined he should make the first advances, or at least show some
signs of an humble and contrite spirit first; for, if I began, it
would only minister to his self-conceit, increase his arrogance,
and quite destroy the lesson I wanted to give him.
He made a long stay in the dining-room after dinner, and, I fear,
took an unusual quantity of wine, but not enough to loosen his
tongue: for when he came in and found me quietly occupied with my
book, too busy to lift my head on his entrance, he merely murmured
an expression of suppressed disapprobation, and, shutting the door
with a bang, went and stretched himself at full length on the sofa,
and composed himself to sleep. But his favourite cocker, Dash,
that had been lying at my feet, took the liberty of jumping upon
him and beginning to lick his face. He struck it off with a smart
blow, and the poor dog squeaked and ran cowering back to me. When
he woke up, about half an hour after, he called it to him again,
but Dash only looked sheepish and wagged the tip of his tail. He
called again more sharply, but Dash only clung the closer to me,
and licked my hand, as if imploring protection. Enraged at this,
his master snatched up a heavy book and hurled it at his head. The
poor dog set up a piteous outcry, and ran to the door. I let him
out, and then quietly took up the book.
'Give that book to me,' said Arthur, in no very courteous tone. I
gave it to him.
'Why did you let the dog out?' he asked; 'you knew I wanted him.'
'By what token?' I replied; 'by your throwing the book at him? but
perhaps it was intended for me?'
'No; but I see you've got a taste of it,' said he, looking at my
hand, that had also been struck, and was rather severely grazed.
I returned to my reading, and he endeavoured to occupy himself in
the same manner; but in a little while, after several portentous
yawns, he pronounced his book to be 'cursed trash,' and threw it on
the table. Then followed eight or ten minutes of silence, during
the greater part of which, I believe, he was staring at me. At
last his patience was tired out.
'What is that book, Helen?' he exclaimed.
I told him.
'Is it interesting?'
'Yes, very.'
I went on reading, or pretending to read, at least - I cannot say
there was much communication between my eyes and my brain; for,
while the former ran over the pages, the latter was earnestly
wondering when Arthur would speak next, and what he would say, and
what I should answer. But he did not speak again till I rose to
make the tea, and then it was only to say he should not take any.
He continued lounging on the sofa, and alternately closing his eyes
and looking at his watch and at me, till bed-time, when I rose, and
took my candle and retired.
'Helen!' cried he, the moment I had left the room. I turned back,
and stood awaiting his commands.
'What do you want, Arthur?' I said at length.
'Nothing,' replied he. 'Go!'
I went, but hearing him mutter something as I was closing the door,
I turned again. It sounded very like 'confounded slut,' but I was
quite willing it should be something else.
'Were you speaking, Arthur?' I asked.
'No,' was the answer, and I shut the door and departed. I saw
nothing more of him till the following morning at breakfast, when
he came down a full hour after the usual time.
'You're very late,' was my morning's salutation.
'You needn't have waited for me,' was his; and he walked up to the
window again. It was just such weather as yesterday.
'Oh, this confounded rain!' he muttered. But, after studiously
regarding it for a minute or two, a bright idea, seemed to strike
him, for he suddenly exclaimed, 'But I know what I'll do!' and then
returned and took his seat at the table. The letter-bag was
already there, waiting to be opened. He unlocked it and examined
the contents, but said nothing about them.
'Is there anything for me?' I asked.
'No.'
He opened the newspaper and began to read.
'You'd better take your coffee,' suggested I; 'it will be cold
again.'
'You may go,' said he, 'if you've done; I don't want you.'
I rose and withdrew to the next room, wondering if we were to have
another such miserable day as yesterday, and wishing intensely for
an end of these mutually inflicted torments. Shortly after I heard
him ring the bell and give some orders about his wardrobe that
sounded as if he meditated a long journey. He then sent for the
coachman, and I heard something about the carriage and the horses,
and London, and seven o'clock to-morrow morning, that startled and
disturbed me not a little.
'I must not let him go to London, whatever comes of it,' said I to
myself; 'he will run into all kinds of mischief, and I shall be the
cause of it. But the question is, How am I to alter his purpose?
Well, I will wait awhile, and see if he mentions it.'
I waited most anxiously, from hour to hour; but not a word was
spoken, on that or any other subject, to me. He whistled and
talked to his dogs, and wandered from room to room, much the same
as on the previous day. At last I began to think I must introduce
the subject myself, and was pondering how to bring it about, when
John unwittingly came to my relief with the following message from
the coachman:
'Please, sir, Richard says one of the horses has got a very bad
cold, and he thinks, sir, if you could make it convenient to go the
day after to-morrow, instead of to-morrow, he could physic it today,
so as - '
'Confound his impudence!' interjected the master.
'Please, sir, he says it would be a deal better if you could,'
persisted John, 'for he hopes there'll be a change in the weather
shortly, and he says it's not likely, when a horse is so bad with a
cold, and physicked and all - '
'Devil take the horse!' cried the gentleman. 'Well, tell him I'll
think about it,' he added, after a moment's reflection. He cast a
searching glance at me, as the servant withdrew, expecting to see
some token of deep astonishment and alarm; but, being previously
prepared, I preserved an aspect of stoical indifference. His
countenance fell as he met my steady gaze, and he turned away in
very obvious disappointment, and walked up to the fire-place, where
he stood in an attitude of undisguised dejection, leaning against
the chimney-piece with his forehead sunk upon his arm.
'Where do you want to go, Arthur?' said I.
'To London,' replied he, gravely.
'What for?' I asked.
'Because I cannot be happy here.'
'Why not?'
'Because my wife doesn't love me.'
'She would love you with all her heart, if you deserved it.'
'What must I do to deserve it?'
This seemed humble and earnest enough; and I was so much affected,
between sorrow and joy, that I was obliged to pause a few seconds
before I could steady my voice to reply.
'If she gives you her heart,' said I, 'you must take it,
thankfully, and use it well, and not pull it in pieces, and laugh
in her face, because she cannot snatch it away.'
He now turned round, and stood facing me, with his back to the
fire. 'Come, then, Helen, are you going to be a good girl?' said
he.
This sounded rather too arrogant, and the smile that accompanied it
did not please me. I therefore hesitated to reply. Perhaps my
former answer had implied too much: he had heard my voice falter,
and might have seen me brush away a tear.
'Are you going to forgive me, Helen?' he resumed, more humbly.
'Are you penitent?' I replied, stepping up to him and smiling in
his face.
'Heart-broken!' he answered, with a rueful countenance, yet with a
merry smile just lurking within his eyes and about the corners of
his mouth; but this could not repulse me, and I flew into his arms.
He fervently embraced me, and though I shed a torrent of tears, I
think I never was happier in my life than at that moment.
'Then you won't go to London, Arthur?' I said, when the first
transport of tears and kisses had subsided.
'No, love, - unless you will go with me.'
'I will, gladly,' I answered, 'if you think the change will amuse
you, and if you will put off the journey till next week.'
He readily consented, but said there was no need of much
preparation, as he should not be for staying long, for he did not
wish me to be Londonized, and to lose my country freshness and
originality by too much intercourse with the ladies of the world.
I thought this folly; but I did not wish to contradict him now: I
merely said that I was of very domestic habits, as he well knew,
and had no particular wish to mingle with the world.
So we are to go to London on Monday, the day after to-morrow. It
is now four days since the termination of our quarrel, and I am
sure it has done us both good: it has made me like Arthur a great
deal better, and made him behave a great deal better to me. He has
never once attempted to annoy me since, by the most distant
allusion to Lady F-, or any of those disagreeable reminiscences of
his former life. I wish I could blot them from my memory, or else
get him to regard such matters in the same light as I do. Well! it
is something, however, to have made him see that they are not fit
subjects for a conjugal jest. He may see further some time. I
will put no limits to my hopes; and, in spite of my aunt's
forebodings and my own unspoken fears, I trust we shall be happy
yet.
CHAPTER XXV
On the eighth of April we went to London, on the eighth of May I
returned, in obedience to Arthur's wish; very much against my own,
because I left him behind. If he had come with me, I should have
been very glad to get home again, for he led me such a round of
restless dissipation while there, that, in that short space of
time, I was quite tired out. He seemed bent upon displaying me to
his friends and acquaintances in particular, and the public in
general, on every possible occasion, and to the greatest possible
advantage. It was something to feel that he considered me a worthy
object of pride; but I paid dear for the gratification: for, in
the first place, to please him I had to violate my cherished
predilections, my almost rooted principles in favour of a plain,
dark, sober style of dress - I must sparkle in costly jewels and
deck myself out like a painted butterfly, just as I had, long
since, determined I would never do - and this was no trifling
sacrifice; in the second place, I was continually straining to
satisfy his sanguine expectations and do honour to his choice by my
general conduct and deportment, and fearing to disappoint him by
some awkward misdemeanour, or some trait of inexperienced ignorance
about the customs of society, especially when I acted the part of
hostess, which I was not unfrequently called upon to do; and, in
the third place, as I intimated before, I was wearied of the throng
and bustle, the restless hurry and ceaseless change of a life so
alien to all my previous habits. At last, he suddenly discovered
that the London air did not agree with me, and I was languishing
for my country home, and must immediately return to Grassdale.
I laughingly assured him that the case was not so urgent as he
appeared to think it, but I was quite willing to go home if he was.
He replied that he should be obliged to remain a week or two
longer, as he had business that required his presence.
'Then I will stay with you,' said I.
'But I can't do with you, Helen,' was his answer: 'as long as you
stay I shall attend to you and neglect my business.'
'But I won't let you,' I returned; 'now that I know you have
business to attend to, I shall insist upon your attending to it,
and letting me alone; and, to tell the truth, I shall be glad of a
little rest. I can take my rides and walks in the Park as usual;
and your business cannot occupy all your time: I shall see you at
meal-times, and in the evenings at least, and that will be better
than being leagues away and never seeing you at all.'
'But, my love, I cannot let you stay. How can I settle my affairs
when I know that you are here, neglected -?'
'I shall not feel myself neglected: while you are doing your duty,
Arthur, I shall never complain of neglect. If you had told me
before, that you had anything to do, it would have been half done
before this; and now you must make up for lost time by redoubled
exertions. Tell me what it is; and I will be your taskmaster,
instead of being a hindrance.'
'No, no,' persisted the impracticable creature; 'you must go home,
Helen; I must have the satisfaction of knowing that you are safe
and well, though far away. Your bright eyes are faded, and that
tender, delicate bloom has quite deserted your cheek.'
'That is only with too much gaiety and fatigue.'
'It is not, I tell you; it is the London air: you are pining for
the fresh breezes of your country home, and you shall feel them
before you are two days older. And remember your situation,
dearest Helen; on your health, you know, depends the health, if not
the life, of our future hope.'
'Then you really wish to get rid of me?'
'Positively, I do; and I will take you down myself to Grassdale,
and then return. I shall not be absent above a week or fortnight
at most.'
'But if I must go, I will go alone: if you must stay, it is
needless to waste your time in the journey there and back.'
But he did not like the idea of sending me alone.
'Why, what helpless creature do you take me for,' I replied, 'that
you cannot trust me to go a hundred miles in our own carriage, with
our own footman and a maid to attend me? If you come with me I
shall assuredly keep you. But tell me, Arthur, what is this
tiresome business; and why did you never mention it before?'
'It is only a little business with my lawyer,' said he; and he told
me something about a piece of property he wanted to sell, in order
to pay off a part of the incumbrances on his estate; but either the
account was a little confused, or I was rather dull of
comprehension, for I could not clearly understand how that should
keep him in town a fortnight after me. Still less can I now
comprehend how it should keep him a month, for it is nearly that
time since I left him, and no signs of his return as yet. In every
letter he promises to be with me in a few days, and every time
deceives me, or deceives himself. His excuses are vague and
insufficient. I cannot doubt that he has got among his former
companions again. Oh, why did I leave him! I wish - I do
intensely wish he would return!
June 29th. - No Arthur yet; and for many days I have been looking
and longing in vain for a letter. His letters, when they come, are
kind, if fair words and endearing epithets can give them a claim to
the title - but very short, and full of trivial excuses and
promises that I cannot trust; and yet how anxiously I look forward
to them I how eagerly I open and devour one of those little,
hastily-scribbled returns for the three or four long letters,
hitherto unanswered, he has had from me!
Oh, it is cruel to leave me so long alone! He knows I have no one
but Rachel to speak to, for we have no neighbours here, except the
Hargraves, whose residence I can dimly descry from these upper
windows embosomed among those low, woody hills beyond the Dale. I
was glad when I learnt that Milicent was so near us; and her
company would be a soothing solace to me now; but she is still in
town with her mother; there is no one at the Grove but little
Esther and her French governess, for Walter is always away. I saw
that paragon of manly perfections in London: he seemed scarcely to
merit the eulogiums of his mother and sister, though he certainly
appeared more conversable and agreeable than Lord Lowborough, more
candid and high-minded than Mr. Grimsby, and more polished and
gentlemanly than Mr. Hattersley, Arthur's only other friend whom he
judged fit to introduce to me. - Oh, Arthur, why won't you come?
why won't you write to me at least? You talked about my health:
how can you expect me to gather bloom and vigour here, pining in
solitude and restless anxiety from day to day? - It would serve you
right to come back and find my good looks entirely wasted away. I
would beg my uncle and aunt, or my brother, to come and see me, but
I do not like to complain of my loneliness to them, and indeed
loneliness is the least of my sufferings. But what is he, doing -
what is it that keeps him away? It is this ever-recurring
question, and the horrible suggestions it raises, that distract me.
July 3rd. - My last bitter letter has wrung from him an answer at
last, and a rather longer one than usual; but still I don't know
what to make of it. He playfully abuses me for the gall and
vinegar of my latest effusion, tells me I can have no conception of
the multitudinous engagements that keep him away, but avers that,
in spite of them all, he will assuredly be with me before the close
of next week; though it is impossible for a man so circumstanced as
he is to fix the precise day of his return: meantime he exhorts me
to the exercise of patience, 'that first of woman's virtues,' and
desires me to remember the saying, 'Absence makes the heart grow
fonder,' and comfort myself with the assurance that the longer he
stays away the better he shall love me when he returns; and till he
does return, he begs I will continue to write to him constantly,
for, though he is sometimes too idle and often too busy to answer
my letters as they come, he likes to receive them daily; and if I
fulfil my threat of punishing his seeming neglect by ceasing to
write, he shall be so angry that he will do his utmost to forget
me. He adds this piece of intelligence respecting poor Milicent
Hargrave:
'Your little friend Milicent is likely, before long, to follow your
example, and take upon her the yoke of matrimony in conjunction
with a friend of mine. Hattersley, you know, has not yet fulfilled
his direful threat of throwing his precious person away on the
first old maid that chose to evince a tenderness for him; but he
still preserves a resolute determination to see himself a married
man before the year is out. "Only," said he to me, "I must have
somebody that will let me have my own way in everything - not like
your wife, Huntingdon: she is a charming creature, but she looks
as if she had a will of her own, and could play the vixen upon
occasion" (I thought "you're right there, man," but I didn't say
so). "I must have some good, quiet soul that will let me just do
what I like and go where I like, keep at home or stay away, without
a word of reproach or complaint; for I can't do with being
bothered." "Well," said I, "I know somebody that will suit you to
a tee, if you don't care for money, and that's Hargrave's sister,
Milicent." He desired to be introduced to her forthwith, for he
said he had plenty of the needful himself, or should have when his
old governor chose to quit the stage. So you see, Helen, I have
managed pretty well, both for your friend and mine.'
Poor Milicent! But I cannot imagine she will ever be led to accept
such a suitor - one so repugnant to all her ideas of a man to be
honoured and loved.
5th. - Alas! I was mistaken. I have got a long letter from her
this morning, telling me she is already engaged, and expects to be
married before the close of the month.
'I hardly know what to say about it,' she writes, 'or what to
think. To tell you the truth, Helen, I don't like the thoughts of
it at all. If I am to be Mr. Hattersley's wife, I must try to love
him; and I do try with all my might; but I have made very little
progress yet; and the worst symptom of the case is, that the
further he is from me the better I like him: he frightens me with
his abrupt manners and strange hectoring ways, and I dread the
thoughts of marrying him. "Then why have you accepted him?" you
will ask; and I didn't know I had accepted him; but mamma tells me
I have, and he seems to think so too. I certainly didn't mean to
do so; but I did not like to give him a flat refusal, for fear
mamma should be grieved and angry (for I knew she wished me to
marry him), and I wanted to talk to her first about it: So I gave
him what I thought was an evasive, half negative answer; but she
says it was as good as an acceptance, and he would think me very
capricious if I were to attempt to draw back - and indeed I was so
confused and frightened at the moment, I can hardly tell what I
said. And next time I saw him, he accosted me in all confidence as
his affianced bride, and immediately began to settle matters with
mamma. I had not courage to contradict them then, and how can I do
it now? I cannot; they would think me mad. Besides, mamma is so
delighted with the idea of the match; she thinks she has managed so
well for me; and I cannot bear to disappoint her. I do object
sometimes, and tell her what I feel, but you don't know how she
talks. Mr. Hattersley, you know, is the son of a rich banker, and
as Esther and I have no fortunes, and Walter very little, our dear
mamma is very anxious to see us all well married, that is, united
to rich partners. It is not my idea of being well married, but she
means it all for the best. She says when I am safe off her hands
it will be such a relief to her mind; and she assures me it will be
a good thing for the family as well as for me. Even Walter is
pleased at the prospect, and when I confessed my reluctance to him,
he said it was all childish nonsense. Do you think it nonsense,
Helen? I should not care if I could see any prospect of being able
to love and admire him, but I can't. There is nothing about him to
hang one's esteem and affection upon; he is so diametrically
opposite to what I imagined my husband should be. Do write to me,
and say all you can to encourage me. Don't attempt to dissuade me,
for my fate is fixed: preparations for the important event are
already going on around me; and don't say a word against Mr.
Hattersley, for I want to think well of him; and though I have
spoken against him myself, it is for the last time: hereafter, I
shall never permit myself to utter a word in his dispraise, however
he may seem to deserve it; and whoever ventures to speak
slightingly of the man I have promised to love, to honour, and
obey, must expect my serious displeasure. After all, I think he is
quite as good as Mr. Huntingdon, if not better; and yet you love
him, and seem to be happy and contented; and perhaps I may manage
as well. You must tell me, if you can, that Mr. Hattersley is
better than he seems - that he is upright, honourable, and openhearted
- in fact, a perfect diamond in the rough. He may be all
this, but I don't know him. I know only the exterior, and what, I
trust, is the worst part of him.'
She concludes with 'Good-by, dear Helen. I am waiting anxiously
for your advice - but mind you let it be all on the right side.'
Alas! poor Milicent, what encouragement can I give you? or what
advice - except that it is better to make a bold stand now, though
at the expense of disappointing and angering both mother and
brother and lover, than to devote your whole life, hereafter, to
misery and vain regret?
Saturday, 13th. - The week is over, and he is not come. All the
sweet summer is passing away without one breath of pleasure to me
or benefit to him. And I had all along been looking forward to
this season with the fond, delusive hope that we should enjoy it so
sweetly together; and that, with God's help and my exertions, it
would be the means of elevating his mind, and refining his taste to
a due appreciation of the salutary and pure delights of nature, and
peace, and holy love. But now - at evening, when I see the round
red sun sink quietly down behind those woody hills, leaving them
sleeping in a warm, red, golden haze, I only think another lovely
day is lost to him and me; and at morning, when roused by the
flutter and chirp of the sparrows, and the gleeful twitter of the
swallows - all intent upon feeding their young, and full of life
and joy in their own little frames - I open the window to inhale
the balmy, soul-reviving air, and look out upon the lovely
landscape, laughing in dew and sunshine - I too often shame that
glorious scene with tears of thankless misery, because he cannot
feel its freshening influence; and when I wander in the ancient
woods, and meet the little wild flowers smiling in my path, or sit
in the shadow of our noble ash-trees by the water-side, with their
branches gently swaying in the light summer breeze that murmurs
through their feathery foliage - my ears full of that low music
mingled with the dreamy hum of insects, my eyes abstractedly gazing
on the glassy surface of the little lake before me, with the trees
that crowd about its bank, some gracefully bending to kiss its
waters, some rearing their stately heads high above, but stretching
their wide arms over its margin, all faithfully mirrored far, far
down in its glassy depth - though sometimes the images are
partially broken by the sport of aquatic insects, and sometimes,
for a moment, the whole is shivered into trembling fragments by a
transient breeze that sweeps the surface too roughly - still I have
no pleasure; for the greater the happiness that nature sets before
me, the more I lament that he is not here to taste it: the greater
the bliss we might enjoy together, the more I feel our present
wretchedness apart (yes, ours; he must be wretched, though he may
not know it); and the more my senses are pleased, the more my heart
is oppressed; for he keeps it with him confined amid the dust and
smoke of London - perhaps shut up within the walls of his own
abominable club.
But most of all, at night, when I enter my lonely chamber, and look
out upon the summer moon, 'sweet regent of the sky,' floating above
me in the 'black blue vault of heaven,' shedding a flood of silver
radiance over park, and wood, and water, so pure, so peaceful, so
divine - and think, Where is he now? - what is he doing at this
moment? wholly unconscious of this heavenly scene - perhaps
revelling with his boon companions, perhaps - God help me, it is
too - too much!
23rd. - Thank heaven, he is come at last! But how altered! flushed
and feverish, listless and languid, his beauty strangely
diminished, his vigour and vivacity quite departed. I have not
upbraided him by word or look; I have not even asked him what he
has been doing. I have not the heart to do it, for I think he is
ashamed of himself-he must be so indeed, and such inquiries could
not fail to be painful to both. My forbearance pleases him -
touches him even, I am inclined to think. He says he is glad to be
home again, and God knows how glad I am to get him back, even as he
is. He lies on the sofa, nearly all day long; and I play and sing
to him for hours together. I write his letters for him, and get
him everything he wants; and sometimes I read to him, and sometimes
I talk, and sometimes only sit by him and soothe him with silent
caresses. I know he does not deserve it; and I fear I am spoiling
him; but this once, I will forgive him, freely and entirely. I
will shame him into virtue if I can, and I will never let him leave
me again.
He is pleased with my attentions - it may be, grateful for them.
He likes to have me near him: and though he is peevish and testy
with his servants and his dogs, he is gentle and kind to me. What
he would be, if I did not so watchfully anticipate his wants, and
so carefully avoid, or immediately desist from doing anything that
has a tendency to irritate or disturb him, with however little
reason, I cannot tell. How intensely I wish he were worthy of all
this care! Last night, as I sat beside him, with his head in my
lap, passing my fingers through his beautiful curls, this thought
made my eyes overflow with sorrowful tears - as it often does; but
this time, a tear fell on his face and made him look up. He
smiled, but not insultingly.
'Dear Helen!' he said - 'why do you cry? you know that I love you'
(and he pressed my hand to his feverish lips), 'and what more could
you desire?'
'Only, Arthur, that you would love yourself as truly and as
faithfully as you are loved by me.'
'That would be hard, indeed!' he replied, tenderly squeezing my
hand.
August 24th. - Arthur is himself again, as lusty and reckless, as
light of heart and head as ever, and as restless and hard to amuse
as a spoilt child, and almost as full of mischief too, especially
when wet weather keeps him within doors. I wish he had something
to do, some useful trade, or profession, or employment - anything
to occupy his head or his hands for a few hours a day, and give him
something besides his own pleasure to think about. If he would
play the country gentleman and attend to the farm - but that he
knows nothing about, and won't give his mind to consider, - or if
he would take up with some literary study, or learn to draw or to
play - as he is so fond of music, I often try to persuade him to
learn the piano, but he is far too idle for such an undertaking:
he has no more idea of exerting himself to overcome obstacles than
he has of restraining his natural appetites; and these two things
are the ruin of him. I lay them both to the charge of his harsh
yet careless father, and his madly indulgent mother. - If ever I am
a mother I will zealously strive against this crime of overindulgence.
I can hardly give it a milder name when I think of the
evils it brings.
Happily, it will soon be the shooting season, and then, if the
weather permit, he will find occupation enough in the pursuit and
destruction of the partridges and pheasants: we have no grouse, or
he might have been similarly occupied at this moment, instead of
lying under the acacia-tree pulling poor Dash's ears. But he says
it is dull work shooting alone; he must have a friend or two to
help him.
'Let them be tolerably decent then, Arthur,' said I. The word
'friend' in his mouth makes me shudder: I know it was some of his
'friends' that induced him to stay behind me in London, and kept
him away so long: indeed, from what he has unguardedly told me, or
hinted from time to time, I cannot doubt that he frequently showed
them my letters, to let them see how fondly his wife watched over
his interests, and how keenly she regretted his absence; and that
they induced him to remain week after week, and to plunge into all
manner of excesses, to avoid being laughed at for a wife-ridden
fool, and, perhaps, to show how far he could venture to go without
danger of shaking the fond creature's devoted attachment. It is a
hateful idea, but I cannot believe it is a false one.
'Well,' replied he, 'I thought of Lord Lowborough for one; but
there is no possibility of getting him without his better half, our
mutual friend, Annabella; so we must ask them both. You're not
afraid of her, are you, Helen?' he asked, with a mischievous
twinkle in his eyes.
'Of course not,' I answered: 'why should I? And who besides?'
'Hargrave for one. He will be glad to come, though his own place
is so near, for he has little enough land of his own to shoot over,
and we can extend our depredations into it, if we like; and he is
thoroughly respectable, you know, Helen - quite a lady's man: and
I think, Grimsby for another: he's a decent, quiet fellow enough.
You'll not object to Grimsby?'
'I hate him: but, however, if you wish it, I'll try to endure his
presence for a while.'
'All a prejudice, Helen, a mere woman's antipathy.'
'No; I have solid grounds for my dislike. And is that all?'
'Why, yes, I think so. Hattersley will be too busy billing and
cooing, with his bride to have much time to spare for guns and dogs
at present,' he replied. And that reminds me, that I have had
several letters from Milicent since her marriage, and that she
either is, or pretends to be, quite reconciled to her lot. She
professes to have discovered numberless virtues and perfections in
her husband, some of which, I fear, less partial eyes would fail to
distinguish, though they sought them carefully with tears; and now
that she is accustomed to his loud voice, and abrupt, uncourteous
manners, she affirms she finds no difficulty in loving him as a
wife should do, and begs I will burn that letter wherein she spoke
so unadvisedly against him. So that I trust she may yet be happy;
but, if she is, it will be entirely the reward of her own goodness
of heart; for had she chosen to consider herself the victim of
fate, or of her mother's worldly wisdom, she might have been
thoroughly miserable; and if, for duty's sake, she had not made
every effort to love her husband, she would, doubtless, have hated
him to the end of her days.
CHAPTER XXVI
Sept. 23rd. - Our guests arrived about three weeks ago. Lord and
Lady Lowborough have now been married above eight months; and I
will do the lady the credit to say that her husband is quite an
altered man; his looks, his spirits, and his temper, are all
perceptibly changed for the better since I last saw him. But there
is room for improvement still. He is not always cheerful, nor
always contented, and she often complains of his ill-humour, which,
however, of all persons, she ought to be the last to accuse him of,
as he never displays it against her, except for such conduct as
would provoke a saint. He adores her still, and would go to the
world's end to please her. She knows her power, and she uses it
too; but well knowing that to wheedle and coax is safer than to
command, she judiciously tempers her despotism with flattery and
blandishments enough to make him deem himself a favoured and a
happy man.
But she has a way of tormenting him, in which I am a fellowsufferer,
or might be, if I chose to regard myself as such. This
is by openly, but not too glaringly, coquetting with Mr.
Huntingdon, who is quite willing to be her partner in the game; but
I don't care for it, because, with him, I know there is nothing but
personal vanity, and a mischievous desire to excite my jealousy,
and, perhaps, to torment his friend; and she, no doubt, is actuated
by much the same motives; only, there is more of malice and less of
playfulness in her manoeuvres. It is obviously, therefore, my
interest to disappoint them both, as far as I am concerned, by
preserving a cheerful, undisturbed serenity throughout; and,
accordingly, I endeavour to show the fullest confidence in my
husband, and the greatest indifference to the arts of my attractive
guest. I have never reproached the former but once, and that was
for laughing at Lord Lowborough's depressed and anxious countenance
one evening, when they had both been particularly provoking; and
then, indeed, I said a good deal on the subject, and rebuked him
sternly enough; but he only laughed, and said, - 'You can feel for
him, Helen, can't you?'
'I can feel for anyone that is unjustly treated,' I replied, 'and I
can feel for those that injure them too.'
'Why, Helen, you are as jealous as he is!' cried he, laughing still
more; and I found it impossible to convince him of his mistake.
So, from that time, I have carefully refrained from any notice of
the subject whatever, and left Lord Lowborough to take care of
himself. He either has not the sense or the power to follow my
example, though he does try to conceal his uneasiness as well as he
can; but still, it will appear in his face, and his ill-humour will
peep out at intervals, though not in the expression of open
resentment - they never go far enough for that. But I confess I do
feel jealous at times, most painfully, bitterly so; when she sings
and plays to him, and he hangs over the instrument, and dwells upon
her voice with no affected interest; for then I know he is really
delighted, and I have no power to awaken similar fervour. I can
amuse and please him with my simple songs, but not delight him
thus.
28th. - Yesterday, we all went to the Grove, Mr. Hargrave's muchneglected
home. His mother frequently asks us over, that she may
have the pleasure of her dear Walter's company; and this time she
had invited us to a dinner-party, and got together as many of the
country gentry as were within reach to meet us. The entertainment
was very well got up; but I could not help thinking about the cost
of it all the time. I don't like Mrs. Hargrave; she is a hard,
pretentious, worldly-minded woman. She has money enough to live
very comfortably, if she only knew how to use it judiciously, and
had taught her son to do the same; but she is ever straining to
keep up appearances, with that despicable pride that shuns the
semblance of poverty as of a shameful crime. She grinds her
dependents, pinches her servants, and deprives even her daughters
and herself of the real comforts of life, because she will not
consent to yield the palm in outward show to those who have three
times her wealth; and, above all, because she is determined her
cherished son shall be enabled to 'hold up his head with the
highest gentlemen in the land.' This same son, I imagine, is a man
of expensive habits, no reckless spendthrift and no abandoned
sensualist, but one who likes to have 'everything handsome about
him,' and to go to a certain length in youthful indulgences, not so
much to gratify his own tastes as to maintain his reputation as a
man of fashion in the world, and a respectable fellow among his own
lawless companions; while he is too selfish to consider how many
comforts might be obtained for his fond mother and sisters with the
money he thus wastes upon himself: as long as they can contrive to
make a respectable appearance once a year, when they come to town,
he gives himself little concern about their private stintings and
struggles at home. This is a harsh judgment to form of 'dear,
noble-minded, generous-hearted Walter,' but I fear it is too just.
Mrs. Hargrave's anxiety to make good matches for her daughters is
partly the cause, and partly the result, of these errors: by
making a figure in the world, and showing them off to advantage,
she hopes to obtain better chances for them; and by thus living
beyond her legitimate means, and lavishing so much on their
brother, she renders them portionless, and makes them burdens on
her hands. Poor Milicent, I fear, has already fallen a sacrifice
to the manoeuvrings of this mistaken mother, who congratulates
herself on having so satisfactorily discharged her maternal duty,
and hopes to do as well for Esther. But Esther is a child as yet,
a little merry romp of fourteen: as honest-hearted, and as
guileless and simple as her sister, but with a fearless spirit of
her own, that I fancy her mother will find some difficulty in
bending to her purposes.
CHAPTER XXVII
October 9th. - It was on the night of the 4th, a little after tea,
that Annabella had been singing and playing, with Arthur as usual
at her side: she had ended her song, but still she sat at the
instrument; and he stood leaning on the back of her chair,
conversing in scarcely audible tones, with his face in very close
proximity with hers. I looked at Lord Lowborough. He was at the
other end of the room, talking with Messrs. Hargrave and Grimsby;
but I saw him dart towards his lady and his host a quick, impatient
glance, expressive of intense disquietude, at which Grimsby smiled.
Determined to interrupt the TETE-E-TETE, I rose, and, selecting a
piece of music from the music stand, stepped up to the piano,
intending to ask the lady to play it; but I stood transfixed and
speechless on seeing her seated there, listening, with what seemed
an exultant smile on her flushed face to his soft murmurings, with
her hand quietly surrendered to his clasp. The blood rushed first
to my heart, and then to my head; for there was more than this:
almost at the moment of my approach, he cast a hurried glance over
his shoulder towards the other occupants of the room, and then
ardently pressed the unresisting hand to his lips. On raising his
eyes, he beheld me, and dropped them again, confounded and
dismayed. She saw me too, and confronted me with a look of hard
defiance. I laid the music on the piano, and retired. I felt ill;
but I did not leave the room: happily, it was getting late, and
could not be long before the company dispersed.
I went to the fire, and leant my head against the chimney-piece.
In a minute or two, some one asked me if I felt unwell. I did not
answer; indeed, at the time, I knew not what was said; but I
mechanically looked up, and saw Mr. Hargrave standing beside me on
the rug.
'Shall I get you a glass of wine?' said he.
'No, thank you,' I replied; and, turning from him, I looked round.
Lady Lowborough was beside her husband, bending over him as he sat,
with her hand on his shoulder, softly talking and smiling in his
face; and Arthur was at the table, turning over a book of
engravings. I seated myself in the nearest chair; and Mr.
Hargrave, finding his services were not desired, judiciously
withdrew. Shortly after, the company broke up, and, as the guests
were retiring to their rooms, Arthur approached me, smiling with
the utmost assurance.
'Are you very angry, Helen?' murmured he.
'This is no jest, Arthur,' said I, seriously, but as calmly as I
could - 'unless you think it a jest to lose my affection for ever.'
'What! so bitter?' he exclaimed, laughingly, clasping my hand
between both his; but I snatched it away, in indignation - almost
in disgust, for he was obviously affected with wine.
'Then I must go down on my knees,' said he; and kneeling before me,
with clasped hands, uplifted in mock humiliation, he continued
imploringly - 'Forgive me, Helen - dear Helen, forgive me, and I'll
never do it again!' and, burying his face in his handkerchief, he
affected to sob aloud.
Leaving him thus employed, I took my candle, and, slipping quietly
from the room, hastened up-stairs as fast as I could. But he soon
discovered that I had left him, and, rushing up after me, caught me
in his arms, just as I had entered the chamber, and was about to
shut the door in his face.
'No, no, by heaven, you sha'n't escape me so!' he cried. Then,
alarmed at my agitation, he begged me not to put myself in such a
passion, telling me I was white in the face, and should kill myself
if I did so.
'Let me go, then,' I murmured; and immediately he released me - and
it was well he did, for I was really in a passion. I sank into the
easy-chair and endeavoured to compose myself, for I wanted to speak
to him calmly. He stood beside me, but did not venture to touch me
or to speak for a few seconds; then, approaching a little nearer,
he dropped on one knee - not in mock humility, but to bring himself
nearer my level, and leaning his hand on the arm of the chair, he
began in a low voice: 'It is all nonsense, Helen - a jest, a mere
nothing - not worth a thought. Will you never learn,' he continued
more boldly, 'that you have nothing to fear from me? that I love
you wholly and entirely? - or if,' he added with a lurking smile,
'I ever give a thought to another, you may well spare it, for those
fancies are here and gone like a flash of lightning, while my love
for you burns on steadily, and for ever, like the sun. You little
exorbitant tyrant, will not that -?'
'Be quiet a moment, will you, Arthur?' said I, 'and listen to me -
and don't think I'm in a jealous fury: I am perfectly calm. Feel
my hand.' And I gravely extended it towards him - but closed it
upon his with an energy that seemed to disprove the assertion, and
made him smile. 'You needn't smile, sir,' said I, still tightening
my grasp, and looking steadfastly on him till he almost quailed
before me. 'You may think it all very fine, Mr. Huntingdon, to
amuse yourself with rousing my jealousy; but take care you don't
rouse my hate instead. And when you have once extinguished my
love, you will find it no easy matter to kindle it again.'
'Well, Helen, I won't repeat the offence. But I meant nothing by
it, I assure you. I had taken too much wine, and I was scarcely
myself at the time.'
'You often take too much; and that is another practice I detest.'
He looked up astonished at my warmth. 'Yes,' I continued; 'I never
mentioned it before, because I was ashamed to do so; but now I'll
tell you that it distresses me, and may disgust me, if you go on
and suffer the habit to grow upon you, as it will if you don't
check it in time. But the whole system of your conduct to Lady
Lowborough is not referable to wine; and this night you knew
perfectly well what you were doing.'
'Well, I'm sorry for it,' replied he, with more of sulkiness than
contrition: 'what more would you have?'
'You are sorry that I saw you, no doubt,' I answered coldly.
'If you had not seen me,' he muttered, fixing his eyes on the
carpet, 'it would have done no harm.'
My heart felt ready to burst; but I resolutely swallowed back my
emotion, and answered calmly,
'You think not?'
'No,' replied he, boldly. 'After all, what have I done? It's
nothing - except as you choose to make it a subject of accusation
and distress.'
'What would Lord Lowborough, your friend, think, if he knew all? or
what would you yourself think, if he or any other had acted the
same part to me, throughout, as you have to Annabella?'
'I would blow his brains out.'
'Well, then, Arthur, how can you call it nothing - an offence for
which you would think yourself justified in blowing another man's
brains out? Is it nothing to trifle with your friend's feelings
and mine - to endeavour to steal a woman's affections from her
husband - what he values more than his gold, and therefore what it
is more dishonest to take? Are the marriage vows a jest; and is it
nothing to make it your sport to break them, and to tempt another
to do the same? Can I love a man that does such things, and coolly
maintains it is nothing?'
'You are breaking your marriage vows yourself,' said he,
indignantly rising and pacing to and fro. 'You promised to honour
and obey me, and now you attempt to hector over me, and threaten
and accuse me, and call me worse than a highwayman. If it were not
for your situation, Helen, I would not submit to it so tamely. I
won't be dictated to by a woman, though she be my wife.'
'What will you do then? Will you go on till I hate you, and then
accuse me of breaking my vows?'
He was silent a. moment, and then replied: 'You never will hate
me.' Returning and resuming his former position at my feet, he
repeated more vehemently - 'You cannot hate me as long as I love
you.'
'But how can I believe that you love me, if you continue to act in
this way? Just imagine yourself in my place: would you think I
loved you, if I did so? Would you believe my protestations, and
honour and trust me under such circumstances? '
'The cases are different,' he replied. 'It is a woman's nature to
be constant - to love one and one only, blindly, tenderly, and for
ever - bless them, dear creatures! and you above them all; but you
must have some commiseration for us, Helen; you must give us a
little more licence, for, as Shakespeare has it -
However we do praise ourselves,
Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,
More longing, wavering, sooner lost and won
Than women's are.'
'Do you mean by that, that your fancies are lost to me, and won by
Lady Lowborough?'
'No! heaven is my witness that I think her mere dust and ashes in
comparison with you, and shall continue to think so, unless you
drive me from you by too much severity. She is a daughter of
earth; you are an angel of heaven; only be not too austere in your
divinity, and remember that I am a poor, fallible mortal. Come
now, Helen; won't you forgive me?' he said, gently taking my hand,
and looking up with an innocent smile.
'If I do, you will repeat the offence.'
'I swear by - '
'Don't swear; I'll believe your word as well as your oath. I wish
I could have confidence in either.'
'Try me, then, Helen: only trust and pardon me this once, and you
shall see! Come, I am in hell's torments till you speak the word.'
I did not speak it, but I put my hand on his shoulder and kissed
his forehead, and then burst into tears. He embraced me tenderly;
and we have been good friends ever since. He has been decently
temperate at table, and well-conducted towards Lady Lowborough.
The first day he held himself aloof from her, as far as he could
without any flagrant breach of hospitality: since that he has been
friendly and civil, but nothing more - in my presence, at least,
nor, I think, at any other time; for she seems haughty and
displeased, and Lord Lowborough is manifestly more cheerful, and
more cordial towards his host than before. But I shall be glad
when they are gone, for I have so little love for Annabella that it
is quite a task to be civil to her, and as she is the only woman
here besides myself, we are necessarily thrown so much together.
Next time Mrs. Hargrave calls I shall hail her advent as quite a
relief. I have a good mind to ask Arthur's leave to invite the old
lady to stay with us till our guests depart. I think I will. She
will take it as a kind attention, and, though I have little relish
for her society, she will be truly welcome as a third to stand
between Lady Lowborough and me.
The first time the latter and I were alone together, after that
unhappy evening, was an hour or two after breakfast on the
following day, when the gentlemen were gone out, after the usual
time spent in the writing of letters, the reading of newspapers,
and desultory conversation. We sat silent for two or three
minutes. She was busy with her work, and I was running over the
columns of a paper from which I had extracted all the pith some
twenty minutes before. It was a moment of painful embarrassment to
me, and I thought it must be infinitely more so to her; but it
seems I was mistaken. She was the first to speak; and, smiling
with the coolest assurance, she began, -
'Your husband was merry last night, Helen: is he often so?'
My blood boiled in my face; but it was better she should seem to
attribute his conduct to this than to anything else.
'No,' replied I, 'and never will be so again, I trust.'
'You gave him a curtain lecture, did you?'
'No! but I told him I disliked such conduct, and he promised me not
to repeat it.'
'I thought he looked rather subdued this morning,' she continued;
'and you, Helen? you've been weeping, I see - that's our grand
resource, you know. But doesn't it make your eyes smart? and do
you always find it to answer?'
'I never cry for effect; nor can I conceive how any one can.'
'Well, I don't know: I never had occasion to try it; but I think
if Lowborough were to commit such improprieties, I'd make him cry.
I don't wonder at your being angry, for I'm sure I'd give my
husband a lesson he would not soon forget for a lighter offence
than that. But then he never will do anything of the kind; for I
keep him in too good order for that.'
'Are you sure you don't arrogate too much of the credit to
yourself. Lord Lowborough was quite as remarkable for his
abstemiousness for some time before you married him, as he is now,
I have heard.'
'Oh, about the wine you mean - yes, he's safe enough for that. And
as to looking askance to another woman, he's safe enough for that
too, while I live, for he worships the very ground I tread on.'
'Indeed! and are you sure you deserve it?'
'Why, as to that, I can't say: you know we're all fallible
creatures, Helen; we none of us deserve to be worshipped. But are
you sure your darling Huntingdon deserves all the love you give to
him?'
I knew not what to answer to this. I was burning with anger; but I
suppressed all outward manifestations of it, and only bit my lip
and pretended to arrange my work.
'At any rate,' resumed she, pursuing her advantage, 'you can
console yourself with the assurance that you are worthy of all the
love he gives to you.'
'You flatter me,' said I; 'but, at least, I can try to be worthy of
it.' And then I turned the conversation.
CHAPTER XXVIII
December 25th. - Last Christmas I was a bride, with a heart
overflowing with present bliss, and full of ardent hopes for the
future, though not unmingled with foreboding fears. Now I am a
wife: my bliss is sobered, but not destroyed; my hopes diminished,
but not departed; my fears increased, but not yet thoroughly
confirmed; and, thank heaven, I am a mother too. God has sent me a
soul to educate for heaven, and give me a new and calmer bliss, and
stronger hopes to comfort me.
Dec. 25th, 1823. - Another year is gone. My little Arthur lives
and thrives. He is healthy, but not robust, full of gentle
playfulness and vivacity, already affectionate, and susceptible of
passions and emotions it will be long ere he can find words to
express. He has won his father's heart at last; and now my
constant terror is, lest he should be ruined by that father's
thoughtless indulgence. But I must beware of my own weakness too,
for I never knew till now how strong are a parent's temptations to
spoil an only child.
I have need of consolation in my son, for (to this silent paper I
may confess it) I have but little in my husband. I love him still;
and he loves me, in his own way - but oh, how different from the
love I could have given, and once had hoped to receive! How little
real sympathy there exists between us; how many of my thoughts and
feelings are gloomily cloistered within my own mind; how much of my
higher and better self is indeed unmarried - doomed either to
harden and sour in the sunless shade of solitude, or to quite
degenerate and fall away for lack of nutriment in this unwholesome
soil! But, I repeat, I have no right to complain; only let me
state the truth - some of the truth, at least, - and see hereafter
if any darker truths will blot these pages. We have now been full
two years united; the 'romance' of our attachment must be worn
away. Surely I have now got down to the lowest gradation in
Arthur's affection, and discovered all the evils of his nature: if
there be any further change, it must be for the better, as we
become still more accustomed to each other; surely we shall find no
lower depth than this. And, if so, I can bear it well - as well,
at least, as I have borne it hitherto.
Arthur is not what is commonly called a bad man: he has many good
qualities; but he is a man without self-restraint or lofty
aspirations, a lover of pleasure, given up to animal enjoyments:
he is not a bad husband, but his notions of matrimonial duties and
comforts are not my notions. Judging from appearances, his idea of
a wife is a thing to love one devotedly, and to stay at home to
wait upon her husband, and amuse him and minister to his comfort in
every possible way, while he chooses to stay with her; and, when he
is absent, to attend to his interests, domestic or otherwise, and
patiently wait his return, no matter how he may be occupied in the
meantime.
Early in spring he announced his intention of going to London: his
affairs there demanded his attendance, he said, and he could refuse
it no longer. He expressed his regret at having to leave me, but
hoped I would amuse myself with the baby till he returned.
'But why leave me?' I said. 'I can go with you: I can be ready at
any time.'
'You would not take that child to town?'
'Yes; why not?'
The thing was absurd: the air of the town would be certain to
disagree with him, and with me as a nurse; the late hours and
London habits would not suit me under such circumstances; and
altogether he assured me that it would be excessively troublesome,
injurious, and unsafe. I over-ruled his objections as well as I
could, for I trembled at the thoughts of his going alone, and would
sacrifice almost anything for myself, much even for my child, to
prevent it; but at length he told me, plainly, and somewhat
testily, that he could not do with me: he was worn out with the
baby's restless nights, and must have some repose. I proposed
separate apartments; but it would not do.
'The truth is, Arthur,' I said at last, 'you are weary of my
company, and determined not to have me with you. You might as well
have said so at once.'
He denied it; but I immediately left the room, and flew to the
nursery, to hide my feelings, if I could not soothe them, there.
I was too much hurt to express any further dissatisfaction with his
plans, or at all to refer to the subject again, except for the
necessary arrangements concerning his departure and the conduct of
affairs during his absence, till the day before he went, when I
earnestly exhorted him to take care of himself and keep out of the
way of temptation. He laughed at my anxiety, but assured me there
was no cause for it, and promised to attend to my advice.
'I suppose it is no use asking you to fix a day for your return?'
said I.
'Why, no; I hardly can, under the circumstances; but be assured,
love, I shall not be long away.'
'I don't wish to keep you a prisoner at home,' I replied; 'I should
not grumble at your staying whole months away - if you can be happy
so long without me - provided I knew you were safe; but I don't
like the idea of your being there among your friends, as you call
them.'
'Pooh, pooh, you silly girl! Do you think I can't take care of
myself?'
'You didn't last time. But THIS time, Arthur,' I added, earnestly,
'show me that you can, and teach me that I need not fear to trust
you!'
He promised fair, but in such a manner as we seek to soothe a
child. And did he keep his promise? No; and henceforth I can
never trust his word. Bitter, bitter confession! Tears blind me
while I write. It was early in March that he went, and he did not
return till July. This time he did not trouble himself to make
excuses as before, and his letters were less frequent, and shorter
and less affectionate, especially after the first few weeks: they
came slower and slower, and more terse and careless every time.
But still, when I omitted writing, he complained of my neglect.
When I wrote sternly and coldly, as I confess I frequently did at
the last, he blamed my harshness, and said it was enough to scare
him from his home: when I tried mild persuasion, he was a little
more gentle in his replies, and promised to return; but I had
learnt, at last, to disregard his promises.
CHAPTER XXIX
Those were four miserable months, alternating between intense
anxiety, despair, and indignation, pity for him and pity for
myself. And yet, through all, I was not wholly comfortless: I had
my darling, sinless, inoffensive little one to console me; but even
this consolation was embittered by the constantly-recurring
thought, 'How shall I teach him hereafter to respect his father,
and yet to avoid his example?'
But I remembered that I had brought all these afflictions, in a
manner wilfully, upon myself; and I determined to bear them without
a murmur. At the same time I resolved not to give myself up to
misery for the transgressions of another, and endeavoured to divert
myself as much as I could; and besides the companionship of my
child, and my dear, faithful Rachel, who evidently guessed my
sorrows and felt for them, though she was too discreet to allude to
them, I had my books and pencil, my domestic affairs, and the
welfare and comfort of Arthur's poor tenants and labourers to
attend to: and I sometimes sought and obtained amusement in the
company of my young friend Esther Hargrave: occasionally I rode
over to see her, and once or twice I had her to spend the day with
me at the Manor. Mrs. Hargrave did not visit London that season:
having no daughter to marry, she thought it as well to stay at home
and economise; and, for a wonder, Walter came down to join her in
the beginning of June, and stayed till near the close of August.
The first time I saw him was on a sweet, warm evening, when I was
sauntering in the park with little Arthur and Rachel, who is headnurse
and lady's-maid in one - for, with my secluded life and
tolerably active habits, I require but little attendance, and as
she had nursed me and coveted to nurse my child, and was moreover
so very trustworthy, I preferred committing the important charge to
her, with a young nursery-maid under her directions, to engaging
any one else: besides, it saves money; and since I have made
acquaintance with Arthur's affairs, I have learnt to regard that as
no trifling recommendation; for, by my own desire, nearly the whole
of the income of my fortune is devoted, for years to come, to the
paying off of his debts, and the money he contrives to squander
away in London is incomprehensible. But to return to Mr. Hargrave.
I was standing with Rachel beside the water, amusing the laughing
baby in her arms with a twig of willow laden with golden catkins,
when, greatly to my surprise, he entered the park, mounted on his
costly black hunter, and crossed over the grass to meet me. He
saluted me with a very fine compliment, delicately worded, and
modestly delivered withal, which he had doubtless concocted as he
rode along. He told me he had brought a message from his mother,
who, as he was riding that way, had desired him to call at the
Manor and beg the pleasure of my company to a friendly family
dinner to-morrow.
'There is no one to meet but ourselves,' said he; 'but Esther is
very anxious to see you; and my mother fears you will feel solitary
in this great house so much alone, and wishes she could persuade
you to give her the pleasure of your company more frequently, and
make yourself at home in our more humble dwelling, till Mr.
Huntingdon's return shall render this a little more conducive to
your comfort.'
'She is very kind,' I answered, 'but I am not alone, you see; - and
those whose time is fully occupied seldom complain of solitude.'
'Will you not come to-morrow, then? She will be sadly disappointed
if you refuse.'
I did not relish being thus compassionated for my loneliness; but,
however, I promised to come.
'What a sweet evening this is!' observed he, looking round upon the
sunny park, with its imposing swell and slope, its placid water,
and majestic clumps of trees. 'And what a paradise you live in!'
'It is a lovely evening,' answered I; and I sighed to think how
little I had felt its loveliness, and how little of a paradise
sweet Grassdale was to me - how still less to the voluntary exile
from its scenes. Whether Mr. Hargrave divined my thoughts, I
cannot tell, but, with a half-hesitating, sympathising seriousness
of tone and manner, he asked if I had lately heard from Mr.
Huntingdon.
'Not lately,' I replied.
'I thought not,' he muttered, as if to himself, looking
thoughtfully on the ground.
'Are you not lately returned from London?' I asked.
'Only yesterday.'
'And did you see him there?'
'Yes - I saw him.'
'Was he well?'
'Yes - that is,' said he, with increasing hesitation and an
appearance of suppressed indignation, 'he was as well as - as he
deserved to be, but under circumstances I should have deemed
incredible for a man so favoured as he is.' He here looked up and
pointed the sentence with a serious bow to me. I suppose my face
was crimson.
'Pardon me, Mrs. Huntingdon,' he continued, 'but I cannot suppress
my indignation when I behold such infatuated blindness and
perversion of taste; - but, perhaps, you are not aware - ' He
paused.
'I am aware of nothing, sir - except that he delays his coming
longer than I expected; and if, at present, he prefers the society
of his friends to that of his wife, and the dissipations of the
town to the quiet of country life, I suppose I have those friends
to thank for it. Their tastes and occupations are similar to his,
and I don't see why his conduct should awaken either their
indignation or surprise.'
'You wrong me cruelly,' answered he. 'I have shared but little of
Mr. Huntingdon's society for the last few weeks; and as for his
tastes and occupations, they are quite beyond me - lonely wanderer
as I am. Where I have but sipped and tasted, he drains the cup to
the dregs; and if ever for a moment I have sought to drown the
voice of reflection in madness and folly, or if I have wasted too
much of my time and talents among reckless and dissipated
companions, God knows I would gladly renounce them entirely and for
ever, if I had but half the blessings that man so thanklessly casts
behind his back - but half the inducements to virtue and domestic,
orderly habits that he despises - but such a home, and such a
partner to share it! It is infamous!' he muttered, between his
teeth. 'And don't think, Mrs. Huntingdon,' he added aloud, 'that I
could be guilty of inciting him to persevere in his present
pursuits: on the contrary, I have remonstrated with him again and
again; I have frequently expressed my surprise at his conduct, and
reminded him of his duties and his privileges - but to no purpose;
he only - '
'Enough, Mr. Hargrave; you ought to be aware that whatever my
husband's faults may be, it can only aggravate the evil for me to
hear them from a stranger's lips.'
'Am I then a stranger?' said he in a sorrowful tone. 'I am your
nearest neighbour, your son's godfather, and your husband's friend;
may I not be yours also?'
'Intimate acquaintance must precede real friendship; I know but
little of you, Mr. Hargrave, except from report.'
'Have you then forgotten the six or seven weeks I spent under your
roof last autumn? I have not forgotten them. And I know enough of
you, Mrs. Huntingdon, to think that your husband is the most
enviable man in the world, and I should be the next if you would
deem me worthy of your friendship.'
'If you knew more of me, you would not think it, or if you did you
would not say it, and expect me to be flattered by the compliment.'
I stepped backward as I spoke. He saw that I wished the
conversation to end; and immediately taking the hint, he gravely
bowed, wished me good-evening, and turned his horse towards the
road. He appeared grieved and hurt at my unkind reception of his
sympathising overtures. I was not sure that I had done right in
speaking so harshly to him; but, at the time, I had felt irritated
- almost insulted by his conduct; it seemed as if he was presuming
upon the absence and neglect of my husband, and insinuating even
more than the truth against him.
Rachel had moved on, during our conversation, to some yards'
distance. He rode up to her, and asked to see the child. He took
it carefully into his arms, looked upon it with an almost paternal
smile, and I heard him say, as I approached, -
'And this, too, he has forsaken!'
He then tenderly kissed it, and restored it to the gratified nurse.
'Are you fond of children, Mr. Hargrave?' said I, a little softened
towards him.
'Not in general,' he replied, 'but that is such a sweet child, and
so like its mother,' he added in a lower tone.
'You are mistaken there; it is its father it resembles.'
'Am I not right, nurse?' said he, appealing to Rachel.
'I think, sir, there's a bit of both,' she replied.
He departed; and Rachel pronounced him a very nice gentleman. I
had still my doubts on the subject.
In the course of the following six weeks I met him several times,
but always, save once, in company with his mother, or his sister,
or both. When I called on them, he always happened to be at home,
and, when they called on me, it was always he that drove them over
in the phaeton. His mother, evidently, was quite delighted with
his dutiful attentions and newly-acquired domestic habits.
The time that I met him alone was on a bright, but not oppressively
hot day, in the beginning of July: I had taken little Arthur into
the wood that skirts the park, and there seated him on the mosscushioned
roots of an old oak; and, having gathered a handful of
bluebells and wild-roses, I was kneeling before him, and presenting
them, one by one, to the grasp of his tiny fingers; enjoying the
heavenly beauty of the flowers, through the medium of his smiling
eyes: forgetting, for the moment, all my cares, laughing at his
gleeful laughter, and delighting myself with his delight, - when a
shadow suddenly eclipsed the little space of sunshine on the grass
before us; and looking up, I beheld Walter Hargrave standing and
gazing upon us.
'Excuse me, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he, 'but I was spell-bound; I
had neither the power to come forward and interrupt you, nor to
withdraw from the contemplation of such a scene. How vigorous my
little godson grows! and how merry he is this morning!' He
approached the child, and stooped to take his hand; but, on seeing
that his caresses were likely to produce tears and lamentations,
instead of a reciprocation of friendly demonstrations, he prudently
drew back.
'What a pleasure and comfort that little creature must be to you,
Mrs. Huntingdon!' he observed, with a touch of sadness in his
intonation, as he admiringly contemplated the infant.
'It is,' replied I; and then I asked after his mother and sister.
He politely answered my inquiries, and then returned again to the
subject I wished to avoid; though with a degree of timidity that
witnessed his fear to offend.
'You have not heard from Huntingdon lately?' he said.
'Not this week,' I replied. Not these three weeks, I might have
said.
'I had a letter from him this morning. I wish it were such a one
as I could show to his lady.' He half drew from his waistcoatpocket
a letter with Arthur's still beloved hand on the address,
scowled at it, and put it back again, adding - 'But he tells me he
is about to return next week.'
'He tells me so every time he writes.'
'Indeed! well, it is like him. But to me he always avowed it his
intention to stay till the present month.'
It struck me like a blow, this proof of premeditated transgression
and systematic disregard of truth.
'It is only of a piece with the rest of his conduct,' observed Mr.
Hargrave, thoughtfully regarding me, and reading, I suppose, my
feelings in my face.
'Then he is really coming next week?' said I, after a pause.
'You may rely upon it, if the assurance can give you any pleasure.
And is it possible, Mrs. Huntingdon, that you can rejoice at his
return?' he exclaimed, attentively perusing my features again.
'Of course, Mr. Hargrave; is he not my husband?'
'Oh, Huntingdon; you know not what you slight!' he passionately
murmured.
I took up my baby, and, wishing him good-morning, departed, to
indulge my thoughts unscrutinized, within the sanctum of my home.
And was I glad? Yes, delighted; though I was angered by Arthur's
conduct, and though I felt that he had wronged me, and was
determined he should feel it too.
CHAPTER XXX
On the following morning I received a few lines from him myself,
confirming Hargrave's intimations respecting his approaching
return. And he did come next week, but in a condition of body and
mind even worse than before. I did not, however, intend to pass
over his derelictions this time without a remark; I found it would
not do. But the first day he was weary with his journey, and I was
glad to get him back: I would not upbraid him then; I would wait
till to-morrow. Next morning he was weary still: I would wait a
little longer. But at dinner, when, after breakfasting at twelve
o'clock on a bottle of soda-water and a cup of strong coffee, and
lunching at two on another bottle of soda-water mingled with
brandy, he was finding fault with everything on the table, and
declaring we must change our cook, I thought the time was come.
'It is the same cook as we had before you went, Arthur,' said I.
'You were generally pretty well satisfied with her then.'
'You must have been letting her get into slovenly habits, then,
while I was away. It is enough to poison one, eating such a
disgusting mess!' And he pettishly pushed away his plate, and
leant back despairingly in his chair.
'I think it is you that are changed, not she,' said I, but with the
utmost gentleness, for I did not wish to irritate him.
'It may be so,' he replied carelessly, as he seized a tumbler of
wine and water, adding, when he had tossed it off, 'for I have an
infernal fire in my veins, that all the waters of the ocean cannot
quench!'
'What kindled it?' I was about to ask, but at that moment the
butler entered and began to take away the things.
'Be quick, Benson; do have done with that infernal clatter!' cried
his master. 'And don't bring the cheese, unless you want to make
me sick outright!'
Benson, in some surprise, removed the cheese, and did his best to
effect a quiet and speedy clearance of the rest; but,
unfortunately, there was a rumple in the carpet, caused by the
hasty pushing back of his master's chair, at which he tripped and
stumbled, causing a rather alarming concussion with the trayful of
crockery in his hands, but no positive damage, save the fall and
breaking of a sauce tureen; but, to my unspeakable shame and
dismay, Arthur turned furiously around upon him, and swore at him
with savage coarseness. The poor man turned pale, and visibly
trembled as he stooped to pick up the fragments.
'He couldn't help it, Arthur,' said I; 'the carpet caught his foot,
and there's no great harm done. Never mind the pieces now, Benson;
you can clear them away afterwards.'
Glad to be released, Benson expeditiously set out the dessert and
withdrew.
'What could you mean, Helen, by taking the servant's part against
me,' said Arthur, as soon as the door was closed, 'when you knew I
was distracted?'
'I did not know you were distracted, Arthur: and the poor man was
quite frightened and hurt at your sudden explosion.'
'Poor man, indeed! and do you think I could stop to consider the
feelings of an insensate brute like that, when my own nerves were
racked and torn to pieces by his confounded blunders?'
'I never heard you complain of your nerves before.'
'And why shouldn't I have nerves as well as you?'
'Oh, I don't dispute your claim to their possession, but I never
complain of mine.'
'No, how should you, when you never do anything to try them?'
'Then why do you try yours, Arthur?'
'Do you think I have nothing to do but to stay at home and take
care of myself like a woman?'
'Is it impossible, then, to take care of yourself like a man when
you go abroad? You told me that you could, and would too; and you
promised - '
'Come, come, Helen, don't begin with that nonsense now; I can't
bear it.'
'Can't bear what? - to be reminded of the promises you have
broken?'
'Helen, you are cruel. If you knew how my heart throbbed, and how
every nerve thrilled through me while you spoke, you would spare
me. You can pity a dolt of a servant for breaking a dish; but you
have no compassion for me when my head is split in two and all on
fire with this consuming fever.'
He leant his head on his hand, and sighed. I went to him and put
my hand on his forehead. It was burning indeed.
'Then come with me into the drawing-room, Arthur; and don't take
any more wine: you have taken several glasses since dinner, and
eaten next to nothing all the day. How can that make you better?'
With some coaxing and persuasion, I got him to leave the table.
When the baby was brought I tried to amuse him with that; but poor
little Arthur was cutting his teeth, and his father could not bear
his complaints: sentence of immediate banishment was passed upon
him on the first indication of fretfulness; and because, in the
course of the evening, I went to share his exile for a little
while, I was reproached, on my return, for preferring my child to
my husband. I found the latter reclining on the sofa just as I had
left him.
'Well!' exclaimed the injured man, in a tone of pseudo-resignation.
'I thought I wouldn't send for you; I thought I'd just see how long
it would please you to leave me alone.'
'I have not been very long, have I, Arthur? I have not been an
hour, I'm sure.'
'Oh, of course, an hour is nothing to you, so pleasantly employed;
but to me - '
'It has not been pleasantly employed,' interrupted I. 'I have been
nursing our poor little baby, who is very far from well, and I
could not leave him till I got him to sleep.'
'Oh, to be sure, you're overflowing with kindness and pity for
everything but me.'
'And why should I pity you? What is the matter with you?'
'Well! that passes everything! After all the wear and tear that
I've had, when I come home sick and weary, longing for comfort, and
expecting to find attention and kindness, at least from my wife,
she calmly asks what is the matter with me!'
'There is nothing the matter with you,' returned I, 'except what
you have wilfully brought upon yourself, against my earnest
exhortation and entreaty.'
'Now, Helen,' said he emphatically, half rising from his recumbent
posture, 'if you bother me with another word, I'll ring the bell
and order six bottles of wine, and, by heaven, I'll drink them dry
before I stir from this place!'
I said no more, but sat down before the table and drew a book
towards me.
'Do let me have quietness at least!' continued he, 'if you deny me
every other comfort;' and sinking back into his former position,
with an impatient expiration between a sigh and a groan, he
languidly closed his eyes, as if to sleep.
What the book was that lay open on the table before me, I cannot
tell, for I never looked at it. With an elbow on each side of it,
and my hands clasped before my eyes, I delivered myself up to
silent weeping. But Arthur was not asleep: at the first slight
sob, he raised his head and looked round, impatiently exclaiming,
'What are you crying for, Helen? What the deuce is the matter
now?'
'I'm crying for you, Arthur,' I replied, speedily drying my tears;
and starting up, I threw myself on my knees before him, and
clasping his nerveless hand between my own, continued: 'Don't you
know that you are a part of myself? And do you think you can
injure and degrade yourself, and I not feel it?'
'Degrade myself, Helen?'
'Yes, degrade! What have you been doing all this time?'
'You'd better not ask,' said he, with a faint smile.
'And you had better not tell; but you cannot deny that you have
degraded yourself miserably. You have shamefully wronged yourself,
body and soul, and me too; and I can't endure it quietly, and I
won't!'
'Well, don't squeeze my hand so frantically, and don't agitate me
so, for heaven's sake! Oh, Hattersley! you were right: this woman
will be the death of me, with her keen feelings and her interesting
force of character. There, there, do spare me a little.'
'Arthur, you must repent!' cried I, in a frenzy of desperation,
throwing my arms around him and burying my face in his bosom. 'You
shall say you are sorry for what you have done!'
'Well, well, I am.'
'You are not! you'll do it again.'
'I shall never live to do it again if you treat me so savagely,'
replied he, pushing me from him. 'You've nearly squeezed the
breath out of my body.' He pressed his hand to his heart, and
looked really agitated and ill.
'Now get me a glass of wine,' said he, 'to remedy what you've done,
you she tiger! I'm almost ready to faint.'
I flew to get the required remedy. It seemed to revive him
considerably.
'What a shame it is,' said I, as I took the empty glass from his
hand, 'for a strong young man like you to reduce yourself to such a
state!'
'If you knew all, my girl, you'd say rather, "What a wonder it is
you can bear it so well as you do!" I've lived more in these four
months, Helen, than you have in the whole course of your existence,
or will to the end of your days, if they numbered a hundred years;
so I must expect to pay for it in some shape.'
'You will have to pay a higher price than you anticipate, if you
don't take care: there will be the total loss of your own health,
and of my affection too, if that is of any value to you.'
'What! you're at that game of threatening me with the loss of your
affection again, are you? I think it couldn't have been very
genuine stuff to begin with, if it's so easily demolished. If you
don't mind, my pretty tyrant, you'll make me regret my choice in
good earnest, and envy my friend Hattersley his meek little wife:
she's quite a pattern to her sex, Helen. He had her with him in
London all the season, and she was no trouble at all. He might
amuse himself just as he pleased, in regular bachelor style, and
she never complained of neglect; he might come home at any hour of
the night or morning, or not come home at all; be sullen, sober, or
glorious drunk; and play the fool or the madman to his own heart's
desire, without any fear or botheration. She never gives him a
word of reproach or complaint, do what he will. He says there's
not such a jewel in all England, and swears he wouldn't take a
kingdom for her.'
'But he makes her life a curse to her.'
'Not he! She has no will but his, and is always contented and
happy as long as he is enjoying himself.'
'In that case she is as great a fool as he is; but it is not so. I
have several letters from her, expressing the greatest anxiety
about his proceedings, and complaining that you incite him to
commit those extravagances - one especially, in which she implores
me to use my influence with you to get you away from London, and
affirms that her husband never did such things before you came, and
would certainly discontinue them as soon as you departed and left
him to the guidance of his own good sense.'
'The detestable little traitor! Give me the letter, and he shall
see it as sure as I'm a living man.'
'No, he shall not see it without her consent; but if he did, there
is nothing there to anger him, nor in any of the others. She never
speaks a word against him: it is only anxiety for him that she
expresses. She only alludes to his conduct in the most delicate
terms, and makes every excuse for him that she can possibly think
of; and as for her own misery, I rather feel it than see it
expressed in her letters.'
'But she abuses me; and no doubt you helped her.'
'No; I told her she over-rated my influence with you, that I would
gladly draw you away from the temptations of the town if I could,
but had little hope of success, and that I thought she was wrong in
supposing that you enticed Mr. Hattersley or any one else into
error. I had myself held the contrary opinion at one time, but I
now believed that you mutually corrupted each other; and, perhaps,
if she used a little gentle but serious remonstrance with her
husband, it might be of some service; as, though he was more roughhewn
than mine, I believed he was of a less impenetrable material.'
'And so that is the way you go on - heartening each other up to
mutiny, and abusing each other's partners, and throwing out
implications against your own, to the mutual gratification of
both!'
'According to your own account,' said I, 'my evil counsel has had
but little effect upon her. And as to abuse and aspersions, we are
both of us far too deeply ashamed of the errors and vices of our
other halves, to make them the common subject of our
correspondence. Friends as we are, we would willingly keep your
failings to ourselves - even from ourselves if we could, unless by
knowing them we could deliver you from them.'
'Well, well! don't worry me about them: you'll never effect any
good by that. Have patience with me, and bear with my languor and
crossness a little while, till I get this cursed low fever out of
my veins, and then you'll find me cheerful and kind as ever. Why
can't you be gentle and good, as you were last time? - I'm sure I
was very grateful for it.'
'And what good did your gratitude do? I deluded myself with the
idea that you were ashamed of your transgressions, and hoped you
would never repeat them again; but now you have left me nothing to
hope!'
'My case is quite desperate, is it? A very blessed consideration,
if it will only secure me from the pain and worry of my dear
anxious wife's efforts to convert me, and her from the toil and
trouble of such exertions, and her sweet face and silver accents
from the ruinous effects of the same. A burst of passion is a fine
rousing thing upon occasion, Helen, and a flood of tears is
marvellously affecting, but, when indulged too often, they are both
deuced plaguy things for spoiling one's beauty and tiring out one's
friends.'
Thenceforth I restrained my tears and passions as much as I could.
I spared him my exhortations and fruitless efforts at conversion
too, for I saw it was all in vain: God might awaken that heart,
supine and stupefied with self-indulgence, and remove the film of
sensual darkness from his eyes, but I could not. His injustice and
ill-humour towards his inferiors, who could not defend themselves,
I still resented and withstood; but when I alone was their object,
as was frequently the case, I endured it with calm forbearance,
except at times, when my temper, worn out by repeated annoyances,
or stung to distraction by some new instance of irrationality, gave
way in spite of myself, and exposed me to the imputations of
fierceness, cruelty, and impatience. I attended carefully to his
wants and amusements, but not, I own, with the same devoted
fondness as before, because I could not feel it; besides, I had now
another claimant on my time and care - my ailing infant, for whose
sake I frequently braved and suffered the reproaches and complaints
of his unreasonably exacting father.
But Arthur is not naturally a peevish or irritable man; so far from
it, that there was something almost ludicrous in the incongruity of
this adventitious fretfulness and nervous irritability, rather
calculated to excite laughter than anger, if it were not for the
intensely painful considerations attendant upon those symptoms of a
disordered frame, and his temper gradually improved as his bodily
health was restored, which was much sooner than would have been the
case but for my strenuous exertions; for there was still one thing
about him that I did not give up in despair, and one effort for his
preservation that I would not remit. His appetite for the stimulus
of wine had increased upon him, as I had too well foreseen. It was
now something more to him than an accessory to social enjoyment:
it was an important source of enjoyment in itself. In this time of
weakness and depression he would have made it his medicine and
support, his comforter, his recreation, and his friend, and thereby
sunk deeper and deeper, and bound himself down for ever in the
bathos whereinto he had fallen. But I determined this should never
be, as long as I had any influence left; and though I could not
prevent him from taking more than was good for him, still, by
incessant perseverance, by kindness, and firmness, and vigilance,
by coaxing, and daring, and determination, I succeeded in
preserving him from absolute bondage to that detestable propensity,
so insidious in its advances, so inexorable in its tyranny, so
disastrous in its effects.
And here I must not forget that I am not a little indebted to his
friend Mr. Hargrave. About that time he frequently called at
Grassdale, and often dined with us, on which occasions I fear
Arthur would willingly have cast prudence and decorum to the winds,
and made 'a night of it,' as often as his friend would have
consented to join him in that exalted pastime; and if the latter
had chosen to comply, he might, in a night or two, have ruined the
labour of weeks, and overthrown with a touch the frail bulwark it
had cost me such trouble and toil to construct. I was so fearful
of this at first, that I humbled myself to intimate to him, in
private, my apprehensions of Arthur's proneness to these excesses,
and to express a hope that he would not encourage it. He was
pleased with this mark of confidence, and certainly did not betray
it. On that and every subsequent occasion his presence served
rather as a check upon his host, than an incitement to further acts
of intemperance; and he always succeeded in bringing him from the
dining-room in good time, and in tolerably good condition; for if
Arthur disregarded such intimations as 'Well, I must not detain you
from your lady,' or 'We must not forget that Mrs. Huntingdon is
alone,' he would insist upon leaving the table himself, to join me,
and his host, however unwillingly, was obliged to follow.
Hence I learned to welcome Mr. Hargrave as a real friend to the
family, a harmless companion for Arthur, to cheer his spirits and
preserve him from the tedium of absolute idleness and a total
isolation from all society but mine, and a useful ally to me. I
could not but feel grateful to him under such circumstances; and I
did not scruple to acknowledge my obligation on the first
convenient opportunity; yet, as I did so, my heart whispered all
was not right, and brought a glow to my face, which he heightened
by his steady, serious gaze, while, by his manner of receiving
those acknowledgments, he more than doubled my misgivings. His
high delight at being able to serve me was chastened by sympathy
for me and commiseration for himself - about, I know not what, for
I would not stay to inquire, or suffer him to unburden his sorrows
to me. His sighs and intimations of suppressed affliction seemed
to come from a full heart; but either he must contrive to retain
them within it, or breathe them forth in other ears than mine:
there was enough of confidence between us already. It seemed wrong
that there should exist a secret understanding between my husband's
friend and me, unknown to him, of which he was the object. But my
after-thought was, 'If it is wrong, surely Arthur's is the fault,
not mine.'
And indeed I know not whether, at the time, it was not for him
rather than myself that I blushed; for, since he and I are one, I
so identify myself with him, that I feel his degradation, his
failings, and transgressions as my own: I blush for him, I fear
for him; I repent for him, weep, pray, and feel for him as for
myself; but I cannot act for him; and hence I must be, and I am,
debased, contaminated by the union, both in my own eyes and in the
actual truth. I am so determined to love him, so intensely anxious
to excuse his errors, that I am continually dwelling upon them, and
labouring to extenuate the loosest of his principles and the worst
of his practices, till I am familiarised with vice, and almost a
partaker in his sins. Things that formerly shocked and disgusted
me, now seem only natural. I know them to be wrong, because reason
and God's word declare them to be so; but I am gradually losing
that instinctive horror and repulsion which were given me by
nature, or instilled into me by the precepts and example of my
aunt. Perhaps then I was too severe in my judgments, for I
abhorred the sinner as well as the sin; now I flatter myself I am
more charitable and considerate; but am I not becoming more
indifferent and insensate too? Fool that I was, to dream that I
had strength and purity enough to save myself and him! Such vain
presumption would be rightly served, if I should perish with him in
the gulf from which I sought to save him! Yet, God preserve me
from it, and him too! Yes, poor Arthur, I will still hope and pray
for you; and though I write as if you were some abandoned wretch,
past hope and past reprieve, it is only my anxious fears, my strong
desires that make me do so; one who loved you less would be less
bitter, less dissatisfied.
His conduct has, of late, been what the world calls irreproachable;
but then I know his heart is still unchanged; and I know that
spring is approaching, and deeply dread the consequences.
As he began to recover the tone and vigour of his exhausted frame,
and with it something of his former impatience of retirement and
repose, I suggested a short residence by the sea-side, for his
recreation and further restoration, and for the benefit of our
little one as well. But no: watering-places were so intolerably
dull; besides, he had been invited by one of his friends to spend a
month or two in Scotland for the better recreation of grouseshooting
and deer-stalking, and had promise to go.
'Then you will leave me again, Arthur?' said I.
'Yes, dearest, but only to love you the better when I come back,
and make up for all past offences and short-comings; and you
needn't fear me this time: there are no temptations on the
mountains. And during my absence you may pay a visit to
Staningley, if you like: your uncle and aunt have long been
wanting us to go there, you know; but somehow there's such a
repulsion between the good lady and me, that I never could bring
myself up to the scratch.'
About the third week in August, Arthur set out for Scotland, and
Mr. Hargrave accompanied him thither, to my private satisfaction.
Shortly after, I, with little Arthur and Rachel, went to
Staningley, my dear old home, which, as well as my dear old friends
its inhabitants, I saw again with mingled feelings of pleasure and
pain so intimately blended that I could scarcely distinguish the
one from the other, or tell to which to attribute the various
tears, and smiles, and sighs awakened by those old familiar scenes,
and tones, and faces.
Arthur did not come home till several weeks after my return to
Grassdale; but I did not feel so anxious about him now; to think of
him engaged in active sports among the wild hills of Scotland, was
very different from knowing him to be immersed amid the corruptions
and temptations of London. His letters now; though neither long
nor loverlike, were more regular than ever they had been before;
and when he did return, to my great joy, instead of being worse
than when he went, he was more cheerful and vigorous, and better in
every respect. Since that time I have had little cause to
complain. He still has an unfortunate predilection for the
pleasures of the table, against which I have to struggle and watch;
but he has begun to notice his boy, and that is an increasing
source of amusement to him within-doors, while his fox-hunting and
coursing are a sufficient occupation for him without, when the
ground is not hardened by frost; so that he is not wholly dependent
on me for entertainment. But it is now January; spring is
approaching; and, I repeat, I dread the consequences of its
arrival. That sweet season, I once so joyously welcomed as the
time of hope and gladness, awakens now far other anticipations by
its return.
CHAPTER XXXI
March 20th, 1824. The dreaded time is come, and Arthur is gone, as
I expected. This time he announced it his intention to make but a
short stay in London, and pass over to the Continent, where he
should probably stay a few weeks; but I shall not expect him till
after the lapse of many weeks: I now know that, with him, days
signify weeks, and weeks months.
July 30th. - He returned about three weeks ago, rather better in
health, certainly, than before, but still worse in temper. And
yet, perhaps, I am wrong: it is I that am less patient and
forbearing. I am tired out with his injustice, his selfishness and
hopeless depravity. I wish a milder word would do; I am no angel,
and my corruption rises against it. My poor father died last week:
Arthur was vexed to hear of it, because he saw that I was shocked
and grieved, and he feared the circumstance would mar his comfort.
When I spoke of ordering my mourning, he exclaimed, - 'Oh, I hate
black! But, however, I suppose you must wear it awhile, for form's
sake; but I hope, Helen, you won't think it your bounden duty to
compose your face and manners into conformity with your funereal
garb. Why should you sigh and groan, and I be made uncomfortable,
because an old gentleman in -shire, a perfect stranger to us both,
has thought proper to drink himself to death? There, now, I
declare you're crying! Well, it must be affectation.'
He would not hear of my attending the funeral, or going for a day
or two, to cheer poor Frederick's solitude. It was quite
unnecessary, he said, and I was unreasonable to wish it. What was
my father to me? I had never seen him but once since I was a baby,
and I well knew he had never cared a stiver about me; and my
brother, too, was little better than a stranger. 'Besides, dear
Helen,' said he, embracing me with flattering fondness, 'I cannot
spare you for a single day.'
'Then how have you managed without me these many days?' said I.
'Ah! then I was knocking about the world, now I am at home, and
home without you, my household deity, would be intolerable.'
'Yes, as long as I am necessary to your comfort; but you did not
say so before, when you urged me to leave you, in order that you
might get away from your home without me,' retorted I; but before
the words were well out of my mouth, I regretted having uttered
them. It seemed so heavy a charge: if false, too gross an insult;
if true, too humiliating a fact to be thus openly cast in his
teeth. But I might have spared myself that momentary pang of selfreproach.
The accusation awoke neither shame nor indignation in
him: he attempted neither denial nor excuse, but only answered
with a long, low, chuckling laugh, as if he viewed the whole
transaction as a clever, merry jest from beginning to end. Surely
that man will make me dislike him at last!
Sine as ye brew, my maiden fair,
Keep mind that ye maun drink the yill.
Yes; and I will drink it to the very dregs: and none but myself
shall know how bitter I find it!
August 20th. - We are shaken down again to about our usual
position. Arthur has returned to nearly his former condition and
habits; and I have found it my wisest plan to shut my eyes against
the past and future, as far as he, at least, is concerned, and live
only for the present: to love him when I can; to smile (if
possible) when he smiles, be cheerful when he is cheerful, and
pleased when he is agreeable; and when he is not, to try to make
him so; and if that won't answer, to bear with him, to excuse him,
and forgive him as well as I can, and restrain my own evil passions
from aggravating his; and yet, while I thus yield and minister to
his more harmless propensities to self-indulgence, to do all in my
power to save him from the worse.
But we shall not be long alone together. I shall shortly be called
upon to entertain the same select body of friends as we had the
autumn before last, with the addition of Mr. Hattersley and, at my
special request, his wife and child. I long to see Milicent, and
her little girl too. The latter is now above a year old; she will
be a charming playmate for my little Arthur.
September 30th. - Our guests have been here a week or two; but I
have had no leisure to pass any comments upon them till now. I
cannot get over my dislike to Lady Lowborough. It is not founded
on mere personal pique; it is the woman herself that I dislike,
because I so thoroughly disapprove of her. I always avoid her
company as much as I can without violating the laws of hospitality;
but when we do speak or converse together, it is with the utmost
civility, even apparent cordiality on her part; but preserve me
from such cordiality! It is like handling brier-roses and mayblossoms,
bright enough to the eye, and outwardly soft to the
touch, but you know there are thorns beneath, and every now and
then you feel them too; and perhaps resent the injury by crushing
them in till you have destroyed their power, though somewhat to the
detriment of your own fingers.
Of late, however, I have seen nothing in her conduct towards Arthur
to anger or alarm me. During the first few days I thought she
seemed very solicitous to win his admiration. Her efforts were not
unnoticed by him: I frequently saw him smiling to himself at her
artful manoeuvres: but, to his praise be it spoken, her shafts
fell powerless by his side. Her most bewitching smiles, her
haughtiest frowns were ever received with the same immutable,
careless good-humour; till, finding he was indeed impenetrable, she
suddenly remitted her efforts, and became, to all appearance, as
perfectly indifferent as himself. Nor have I since witnessed any
symptom of pique on his part, or renewed attempts at conquest upon
hers.
This is as it should be; but Arthur never will let me be satisfied
with him. I have never, for a single hour since I married him,
known what it is to realise that sweet idea, 'In quietness and
confidence shall be your rest.' Those two detestable men, Grimsby
and Hattersley, have destroyed all my labour against his love of
wine. They encourage him daily to overstep the bounds of
moderation, and not unfrequently to disgrace himself by positive
excess. I shall not soon forget the second night after their
arrival. Just as I had retired from the dining-room with the
ladies, before the door was closed upon us, Arthur exclaimed, -
'Now then, my lads, what say you to a regular jollification?'
Milicent glanced at me with a half-reproachful look, as if I could
hinder it; but her countenance changed when she heard Hattersley's
voice, shouting through door and wall, - 'I'm your man! Send for
more wine: here isn't half enough!'
We had scarcely entered the drawing-room before we were joined by
Lord Lowborough.
'What can induce you to come so soon?' exclaimed his lady, with a
most ungracious air of dissatisfaction.
'You know I never drink, Annabella,' replied he seriously.
'Well, but you might stay with them a little: it looks so silly to
be always dangling after the women; I wonder you can!'
He reproached her with a look of mingled bitterness and surprise,
and, sinking into a chair, suppressed a heavy sigh, bit his pale
lips, and fixed his eyes upon the floor.
'You did right to leave them, Lord Lowborough,' said I. 'I trust
you will always continue to honour us so early with your company.
And if Annabella knew the value of true wisdom, and the misery of
folly and - and intemperance, she would not talk such nonsense -
even in jest.'
He raised his eyes while I spoke, and gravely turned them upon me,
with a half-surprised, half-abstracted look, and then bent them on
his wife.
'At least,' said she, 'I know the value of a warm heart and a bold,
manly spirit.'
'Well, Annabella,' said he, in a deep and hollow tone, 'since my
presence is disagreeable to you, I will relieve you of it.'
'Are you going back to them, then?' said she, carelessly.
'No,' exclaimed he, with harsh and startling emphasis. 'I will not
go back to them! And I will never stay with them one moment longer
than I think right, for you or any other tempter! But you needn't
mind that; I shall never trouble you again by intruding my company
upon you so unseasonably.'
He left the room: I heard the hall-door open and shut, and
immediately after, on putting aside the curtain, I saw him pacing
down the park, in the comfortless gloom of the damp, cloudy
twilight.
'It would serve you right, Annabella,' said I, at length, 'if Lord
Lowborough were to return to his old habits, which had so nearly
effected his ruin, and which it cost him such an effort to break:
you would then see cause to repent such conduct as this.'
'Not at all, my dear! I should not mind if his lordship were to
see fit to intoxicate himself every day: I should only the sooner
be rid of him.'
'Oh, Annabella!' cried Milicent. 'How can you say such wicked
things! It would, indeed, be a just punishment, as far as you are
concerned, if Providence should take you at your word, and make you
feel what others feel, that - ' She paused as a sudden burst of
loud talking and laughter reached us from the dining-room, in which
the voice of Hattersley was pre-eminently conspicuous, even to my
unpractised ear.
'What you feel at this moment, I suppose?' said Lady Lowborough,
with a malicious smile, fixing her eyes upon her cousin's
distressed countenance.
The latter offered no reply, but averted her face and brushed away
a tear. At that moment the door opened and admitted Mr. Hargrave,
just a little flushed, his dark eyes sparkling with unwonted
vivacity.
'Oh, I'm so glad you're come, Walter?' cried his sister. 'But I
wish you could have got Ralph to come too.'
'Utterly impossible, dear Milicent,' replied he, gaily. 'I had
much ado to get away myself. Ralph attempted to keep me by
violence; Huntingdon threatened me with the eternal loss of his
friendship; and Grimsby, worse than all, endeavoured to make me
ashamed of my virtue, by such galling sarcasms and innuendoes as he
knew would wound me the most. So you see, ladies, you ought to
make me welcome when I have braved and suffered so much for the
favour of your sweet society.' He smilingly turned to me and bowed
as he finished the sentence.
'Isn't he handsome now, Helen!' whispered Milicent, her sisterly
pride overcoming, for the moment, all other considerations.
'He would be,' I returned, 'if that brilliance of eye, and lip, and
cheek were natural to him; but look again, a few hours hence.'
Here the gentleman took a seat near me at the table, and petitioned
for a cup of coffee.
'I consider this an apt illustration of heaven taken by storm,'
said he, as I handed one to him. 'I am in paradise, now; but I
have fought my way through flood and fire to win it. Ralph
Hattersley's last resource was to set his back against the door,
and swear I should find no passage but through his body (a pretty
substantial one too). Happily, however, that was not the only
door, and I effected my escape by the side entrance through the
butler's pantry, to the infinite amazement of Benson, who was
cleaning the plate.'
Mr. Hargrave laughed, and so did his cousin; but his sister and I
remained silent and grave.
'Pardon my levity, Mrs. Huntingdon,' murmured he, more seriously,
as he raised his eyes to my face. 'You are not used to these
things: you suffer them to affect your delicate mind too sensibly.
But I thought of you in the midst of those lawless roysterers; and
I endeavoured to persuade Mr. Huntingdon to think of you too; but
to no purpose: I fear he is fully determined to enjoy himself this
night; and it will be no use keeping the coffee waiting for him or
his companions; it will be much if they join us at tea. Meantime,
I earnestly wish I could banish the thoughts of them from your mind
- and my own too, for I hate to think of them - yes - even of my
dear friend Huntingdon, when I consider the power he possesses over
the happiness of one so immeasurably superior to himself, and the
use he makes of it - I positively detest the man!'
'You had better not say so to me, then,' said I; 'for, bad as he
is, he is part of myself, and you cannot abuse him without
offending me.'
'Pardon me, then, for I would sooner die than offend you. But let
us say no more of him for the present, if you please.'
At last they came; but not till after ten, when tea, which had been
delayed for more than half an hour, was nearly over. Much as I had
longed for their coming, my heart failed me at the riotous uproar
of their approach; and Milicent turned pale, and almost started
from her seat, as Mr. Hattersley burst into the room with a
clamorous volley of oaths in his mouth, which Hargrave endeavoured
to check by entreating him to remember the ladies.
'Ah! you do well to remind me of the ladies, you dastardly
deserter,' cried he, shaking his formidable fist at his brother-inlaw.
'If it were not for them, you well know, I'd demolish you in
the twinkling of an eye, and give your body to the fowls of heaven
and the lilies of the fields!' Then, planting a chair by Lady
Lowborough's side, he stationed himself in it, and began to talk to
her with a mixture of absurdity and impudence that seemed rather to
amuse than to offend her; though she affected to resent his
insolence, and to keep him at bay with sallies of smart and
spirited repartee.
Meantime Mr. Grimsby seated himself by me, in the chair vacated by
Hargrave as they entered, and gravely stated that he would thank me
for a cup of tea: and Arthur placed himself beside poor Milicent,
confidentially pushing his head into her face, and drawing in
closer to her as she shrank away from him. He was not so noisy as
Hattersley, but his face was exceedingly flushed: he laughed
incessantly, and while I blushed for all I saw and heard of him, I
was glad that he chose to talk to his companion in so low a tone
that no one could hear what he said but herself.
'What fools they are!' drawled Mr. Grimsby, who had been talking
away, at my elbow, with sententious gravity all the time; but I had
been too much absorbed in contemplating the deplorable state of the
other two - especially Arthur - to attend to him.
'Did you ever hear such nonsense as they talk, Mrs. Huntingdon?' he
continued. 'I'm quite ashamed of them for my part: they can't
take so much as a bottle between them without its getting into
their heads - '
'You are pouring the cream into your saucer, Mr. Grimsby.'
'Ah! yes, I see, but we're almost in darkness here. Hargrave,
snuff those candles, will you?'
'They're wax; they don't require snuffing,' said I.
'"The light of the body is the eye,"' observed Hargrave, with a
sarcastic smile. '"If thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be
full of light."'
Grimsby repulsed him with a solemn wave of the hand, and then
turning to me, continued, with the same drawling tones and strange
uncertainty of utterance and heavy gravity of aspect as before:
'But as I was saying, Mrs. Huntingdon, they have no head at all:
they can't take half a bottle without being affected some way;
whereas I - well, I've taken three times as much as they have tonight,
and you see I'm perfectly steady. Now that may strike you
as very singular, but I think I can explain it: you see their
brains - I mention no names, but you'll understand to whom I allude
- their brains are light to begin with, and the fumes of the
fermented liquor render them lighter still, and produce an entire
light-headedness, or giddiness, resulting in intoxication; whereas
my brains, being composed of more solid materials, will absorb a
considerable quantity of this alcoholic vapour without the
production of any sensible result - '
'I think you will find a sensible result produced on that tea,'
interrupted Mr. Hargrave, 'by the quantity of sugar you have put
into it. Instead of your usual complement of one lump, you have
put in six.'
'Have I so?' replied the philosopher, diving with his spoon into
the cup, and bringing up several half-dissolved pieces in
confirmation of the assertion. 'Hum! I perceive. Thus, Madam,
you see the evil of absence of mind - of thinking too much while
engaged in the common concerns of life. Now, if I had had my wits
about me, like ordinary men, instead of within me like a
philosopher, I should not have spoiled this cup of tea, and been
constrained to trouble you for another.'
'That is the sugar-basin, Mr. Grimsby. Now you have spoiled the
sugar too; and I'll thank you to ring for some more, for here is
Lord Lowborough at last; and I hope his lordship will condescend to
sit down with us, such as we are, and allow me to give him some
tea.'
His lordship gravely bowed in answer to my appeal, but said
nothing. Meantime, Hargrave volunteered to ring for the sugar,
while Grimsby lamented his mistake, and attempted to prove that it
was owing to the shadow of the urn and the badness of the lights.
Lord Lowborough had entered a minute or two before, unobserved by
an one but me, and had been standing before the door, grimly
surveying the company. He now stepped up to Annabella, who sat
with her back towards him, with Hattersley still beside her, though
not now attending to her, being occupied in vociferously abusing
and bullying his host.
'Well, Annabella,' said her husband, as he leant over the back of
her chair, 'which of these three "bold, manly spirits" would you
have me to resemble?'
'By heaven and earth, you shall resemble us all!' cried Hattersley,
starting up and rudely seizing him by the arm. 'Hallo,
Huntingdon!' he shouted - 'I've got him! Come, man, and help me!
And d-n me, if I don't make him drunk before I let him go! He
shall make up for all past delinquencies as sure as I'm a living
soul!'
There followed a disgraceful contest: Lord Lowborough, in
desperate earnest, and pale with anger, silently struggling to
release himself from the powerful madman that was striving to drag
him from the room. I attempted to urge Arthur to interfere in
behalf of his outraged guest, but he could do nothing but laugh.
'Huntingdon, you fool, come and help me, can't you!' cried
Hattersley, himself somewhat weakened by his excesses.
'I'm wishing you God-speed, Hattersley,' cried Arthur, 'and aiding
you with my prayers: I can't do anything else if my life depended
on it! I'm quite used up. Oh - oh!' and leaning back in his seat,
he clapped his hands on his sides and groaned aloud.
'Annabella, give me a candle!' said Lowborough, whose antagonist
had now got him round the waist and was endeavouring to root him
from the door-post, to which he madly clung with all the energy of
desperation.
'I shall take no part in your rude sports!' replied the lady coldly
drawing back. 'I wonder you can expect it.' But I snatched up a
candle and brought it to him. He took it and held the flame to
Hattersley's hands, till, roaring like a wild beast, the latter
unclasped them and let him go. He vanished, I suppose to his own
apartment, for nothing more was seen of him till the morning.
Swearing and cursing like a maniac, Hattersley threw himself on to
the ottoman beside the window. The door being now free, Milicent
attempted to make her escape from the scene of her husband's
disgrace; but he called her back, and insisted upon her coming to
him.
'What do you want, Ralph?' murmured she, reluctantly approaching
him.
'I want to know what's the matter with you,' said he, pulling her
on to his knee like a child. 'What are you crying for, Milicent? -
Tell me!'
'I'm not crying.'
'You are,' persisted he, rudely pulling her hands from her face.
'How dare you tell such a lie!'
'I'm not crying now,' pleaded she.
'But you have been, and just this minute too; and I will know what
for. Come, now, you shall tell me!'
'Do let me alone, Ralph! Remember, we are not at home.'
'No matter: you shall answer my question!' exclaimed her
tormentor; and he attempted to extort the confession by shaking
her, and remorselessly crushing her slight arms in the gripe of his
powerful fingers.
'Don't let him treat your sister in that way,' said I to Mr.
Hargrave.
'Come now, Hattersley, I can't allow that,' said that gentleman,
stepping up to the ill-assorted couple. 'Let my sister alone, if
you please.'
And he made an effort to unclasp the ruffian's fingers from her
arm, but was suddenly driven backward, and nearly laid upon the
floor by a violent blow on the chest, accompanied with the
admonition, 'Take that for your insolence! and learn to interfere
between me and mine again.'
'If you were not drunk, I'd have satisfaction for that!' gasped
Hargrave, white and breathless as much from passion as from the
immediate effects of the blow.
'Go to the devil!' responded his brother-in-law. 'Now, Milicent,
tell me what you were crying for.'
'I'll tell you some other time,' murmured she, 'when we are alone.'
'Tell me now!' said he, with another shake and a squeeze that made
her draw in her breath and bite her lip to suppress a cry of pain.
'I'll tell you, Mr. Hattersley,' said I. 'She was crying from pure
shame and humiliation for you; because she could not bear to see
you conduct yourself so disgracefully.'
'Confound you, Madam!' muttered he, with a stare of stupid
amazement at my 'impudence.' 'It was not that - was it, Milicent?'
She was silent.
'Come, speak up, child!'
'I can't tell now,' sobbed she.
'But you can say "yes" or "no" as well as "I can't tell." - Come!'
'Yes,' she whispered, hanging her head, and blushing at the awful
acknowledgment.
'Curse you for an impertinent hussy, then!' cried he, throwing her
from him with such violence that she fell on her side; but she was
up again before either I or her brother could come to her
assistance, and made the best of her way out of the room, and, I
suppose, up-stairs, without loss of time.
The next object of assault was Arthur, who sat opposite, and had,
no doubt, richly enjoyed the whole scene.
'Now, Huntingdon,' exclaimed his irascible friend, 'I will not have
you sitting there and laughing like an idiot!'
'Oh, Hattersley,' cried he, wiping his swimming eyes - 'you'll be
the death of me.'
'Yes, I will, but not as you suppose: I'll have the heart out of
your body, man, if you irritate me with any more of that imbecile
laughter! - What! are you at it yet? - There! see if that'll settle
you!' cried Hattersley, snatching up a footstool and hurting it at
the head of his host; but he as well as missed his aim, and the
latter still sat collapsed and quaking with feeble laughter, with
tears running down his face: a deplorable spectacle indeed.
Hattersley tried cursing and swearing, but it would not do: he
then took a number of books from the table beside him, and threw
them, one by one, at the object of his wrath; but Arthur only
laughed the more; and, finally, Hattersley rushed upon him in a
frenzy and seizing him by the shoulders, gave him a violent
shaking, under which he laughed and shrieked alarmingly. But I saw
no more: I thought I had witnessed enough of my husband's
degradation; and leaving Annabella and the rest to follow when they
pleased, I withdrew, but not to bed. Dismissing Rachel to her
rest, I walked up and down my room, in an agony of misery for what
had been done, and suspense, not knowing what might further happen,
or how or when that unhappy creature would come up to bed.
At last he came, slowly and stumblingly ascending the stairs,
supported by Grimsby and Hattersley, who neither of them walked
quite steadily themselves, but were both laughing and joking at
him, and making noise enough for all the servants to hear. He
himself was no longer laughing now, but sick and stupid. I will
write no more about that.
Such disgraceful scenes (or nearly such) have been repeated more
than once. I don't say much to Arthur about it, for, if I did, it
would do more harm than good; but I let him know that I intensely
dislike such exhibitions; and each time he has promised they should
never again be repeated. But I fear he is losing the little selfcommand
and self-respect he once possessed: formerly, he would
have been ashamed to act thus - at least, before any other
witnesses than his boon companions, or such as they. His friend
Hargrave, with a prudence and self-government that I envy for him,
never disgraces himself by taking more than sufficient to render
him a little 'elevated,' and is always the first to leave the table
after Lord Lowborough, who, wiser still, perseveres in vacating the
dining-room immediately after us: but never once, since Annabella
offended him so deeply, has he entered the drawing-room before the
rest; always spending the interim in the library, which I take care
to have lighted for his accommodation; or, on fine moonlight
nights, in roaming about the grounds. But I think she regrets her
misconduct, for she has never repeated it since, and of late she
has comported herself with wonderful propriety towards him,
treating him with more uniform kindness and consideration than ever
I have observed her to do before. I date the time of this
improvement from the period when she ceased to hope and strive for
Arthur's admiration.
CHAPTER XXXII
October 5th. - Esther Hargrave is getting a fine girl. She is not
out of the school-room yet, but her mother frequently brings her
over to call in the mornings when the gentlemen are out, and
sometimes she spends an hour or two in company with her sister and
me, and the children; and when we go to the Grove, I always
contrive to see her, and talk more to her than to any one else, for
I am very much attached to my little friend, and so is she to me.
I wonder what she can see to like in me though, for I am no longer
the happy, lively girl I used to be; but she has no other society,
save that of her uncongenial mother, and her governess (as
artificial and conventional a person as that prudent mother could
procure to rectify the pupil's natural qualities), and, now and
then, her subdued, quiet sister. I often wonder what will be her
lot in life, and so does she; but her speculations on the future
are full of buoyant hope; so were mine once. I shudder to think of
her being awakened, like me, to a sense of their delusive vanity.
It seems as if I should feel her disappointment, even more deeply
than my own. I feel almost as if I were born for such a fate, but
she is so joyous and fresh, so light of heart and free of spirit,
and so guileless and unsuspecting too. Oh, it would be cruel to
make her feel as I feel now, and know what I have known!
Her sister trembles for her too. Yesterday morning, one of
October's brightest, loveliest days, Milicent and I were in the
garden enjoying a brief half-hour together with our children, while
Annabella was lying on the drawing-room sofa, deep in the last new
novel. We had been romping with the little creatures, almost as
merry and wild as themselves, and now paused in the shade of the
tall copper beech, to recover breath and rectify our hair,
disordered by the rough play and the frolicsome breeze, while they
toddled together along the broad, sunny walk; my Arthur supporting
the feebler steps of her little Helen, and sagaciously pointing out
to her the brightest beauties of the border as they passed, with
semi-articulate prattle, that did as well for her as any other mode
of discourse. From laughing at the pretty sight, we began to talk
of the children's future life; and that made us thoughtful. We
both relapsed into silent musing as we slowly proceeded up the
walk; and I suppose Milicent, by a train of associations, was led
to think of her sister.
'Helen,' said she, 'you often see Esther, don't you?'
'Not very often.'
'But you have more frequent opportunities of meeting her than I
have; and she loves you, I know, and reverences you too: there is
nobody's opinion she thinks so much of; and she says you have more
sense than mamma.'
'That is because she is self-willed, and my opinions more generally
coincide with her own than your mamma's. But what then, Milicent?'
'Well, since you have so much influence with her, I wish you would
seriously impress it upon her, never, on any account, or for
anybody's persuasion, to marry for the sake of money, or rank, or
establishment, or any earthly thing, but true affection and wellgrounded
esteem.'
'There is no necessity for that,' said I, 'for we have had some
discourse on that subject already, and I assure you her ideas of
love and matrimony are as romantic as any one could desire.'
'But romantic notions will not do: I want her to have true
notions.'
'Very right: but in my judgment, what the world stigmatises as
romantic, is often more nearly allied to the truth than is commonly
supposed; for, if the generous ideas of youth are too often overclouded
by the sordid views of after-life, that scarcely proves
them to be false.'
'Well, but if you think her ideas are what they ought to be,
strengthen them, will you? and confirm them, as far as you can; for
I had romantic notions once, and - I don't mean to say that I
regret my lot, for I am quite sure I don't, but - '
'I understand you,' said I; 'you are contented for yourself, but
you would not have your sister to suffer the same as you.'
'No - or worse. She might have far worse to suffer than I, for I
am really contented, Helen, though you mayn't think it: I speak
the solemn truth in saying that I would not exchange my husband for
any man on earth, if I might do it by the plucking of this leaf.'
'Well, I believe you: now that you have him, you would not
exchange him for another; but then you would gladly exchange some
of his qualities for those of better men.'
'Yes: just as I would gladly exchange some of my own qualities for
those of better women; for neither he nor I are perfect, and I
desire his improvement as earnestly as my own. And he will
improve, don't you think so, Helen? he's only six-and-twenty yet.'
'He may,' I answered,
'He will, he WILL!' repeated she.
'Excuse the faintness of my acquiescence, Milicent, I would not
discourage your hopes for the world, but mine have been so often
disappointed, that I am become as cold and doubtful in my
expectations as the flattest of octogenarians.'
'And yet you do hope, still, even for Mr. Huntingdon?'
'I do, I confess, "even" for him; for it seems as if life and hope
must cease together. And is he so much worse, Milicent, than Mr.
Hattersley?'
'Well, to give you my candid opinion, I think there is no
comparison between them. But you mustn't be offended, Helen, for
you know I always speak my mind, and you may speak yours too. I
sha'n't care.'
'I am not offended, love; and my opinion is, that if there be a
comparison made between the two, the difference, for the most part,
is certainly in Hattersley's favour.'
Milicent's own heart told her how much it cost me to make this
acknowledgment; and, with a childlike impulse, she expressed her
sympathy by suddenly kissing my cheek, without a word of reply, and
then turning quickly away, caught up her baby, and hid her face in
its frock. How odd it is that we so often weep for each other's
distresses, when we shed not a tear for our own! Her heart had
been full enough of her own sorrows, but it overflowed at the idea
of mine; and I, too, shed tears at the sight of her sympathetic
emotion, though I had not wept for myself for many a week.
It was one rainy day last week; most of the company were killing
time in the billiard-room, but Milicent and I were with little
Arthur and Helen in the library, and between our books, our
children, and each other, we expected to make out a very agreeable
morning. We had not been thus secluded above two hours, however,
when Mr. Hattersley came in, attracted, I suppose, by the voice of
his child, as he was crossing the hall, for he is prodigiously fond
of her, and she of him.
He was redolent of the stables, where he had been regaling himself
with the company of his fellow-creatures the horses ever since
breakfast. But that was no matter to my little namesake; as soon
as the colossal person of her father darkened the door, she uttered
a shrill scream of delight, and, quitting her mother's side, ran
crowing towards him, balancing her course with outstretched arms,
and embracing his knee, threw back her head and laughed in his
face. He might well look smilingly down upon those small, fair
features, radiant with innocent mirth, those clear blue shining
eyes, and that soft flaxen hair cast back upon the little ivory
neck and shoulders. Did he not think how unworthy he was of such a
possession? I fear no such idea crossed his mind. He caught her
up, and there followed some minutes of very rough play, during
which it is difficult to say whether the father or the daughter
laughed and shouted the loudest. At length, however, the
boisterous pastime terminated, suddenly, as might be expected: the
little one was hurt, and began to cry; and the ungentle play-fellow
tossed it into its mother's lap, bidding her 'make all straight.'
As happy to return to that gentle comforter as it had been to leave
her, the child nestled in her arms, and hushed its cries in a
moment; and sinking its little weary head on her bosom, soon
dropped asleep.
Meantime Mr. Hattersley strode up to the fire, and interposing his
height and breadth between us and it, stood with arms akimbo,
expanding his chest, and gazing round him as if the house and all
its appurtenances and contents were his own undisputed possessions.
'Deuced bad weather this!' he began. 'There'll be no shooting today,
I guess.' Then, suddenly lifting up his voice, he regaled us
with a few bars of a rollicking song, which abruptly ceasing, he
finished the tune with a whistle, and then continued:- 'I say, Mrs.
Huntingdon, what a fine stud your husband has! not large, but good.
I've been looking at them a bit this morning; and upon my word,
Black Boss, and Grey Tom, and that young Nimrod are the finest
animals I've seen for many a day!' Then followed a particular
discussion of their various merits, succeeded by a sketch of the
great things he intended to do in the horse-jockey line, when his
old governor thought proper to quit the stage. 'Not that I wish
him to close his accounts,' added he: 'the old Trojan is welcome
to keep his books open as long as he pleases for me.'
'I hope so, indeed, Mr. Hattersley.'
'Oh, yes! It's only my way of talking. The event must come some
time, and so I look to the bright side of it: that's the right
plan - isn't it, Mrs. H.? What are you two doing here? By-the-by,
where's Lady Lowborough?'
'In the billiard-room.'
'What a splendid creature she is!' continued he, fixing his eyes on
his wife, who changed colour, and looked more and more disconcerted
as he proceeded. 'What a noble figure she has; and what
magnificent black eyes; and what a fine spirit of her own; and what
a tongue of her own, too, when she likes to use it. I perfectly
adore her! But never mind, Milicent: I wouldn't have her for my
wife, not if she'd a kingdom for her dowry! I'm better satisfied
with the one I have. Now then! what do you look so sulky for?
don't you believe me?'
'Yes, I believe you,' murmured she, in a tone of half sad, half
sullen resignation, as she turned away to stroke the hair of her
sleeping infant, that she had laid on the sofa beside her.
'Well, then, what makes you so cross? Come here, Milly, and tell
me why you can't be satisfied with my assurance.'
She went, and putting her little hand within his arm, looked up in
his face, and said softly, -
'What does it amount to, Ralph? Only to this, that though you
admire Annabella so much, and for qualities that I don't possess,
you would still rather have me than her for your wife, which merely
proves that you don't think it necessary to love your wife; you are
satisfied if she can keep your house, and take care of your child.
But I'm not cross; I'm only sorry; for,' added she, in a low,
tremulous accent, withdrawing her hand from his arm, and bending
her looks on the rug, 'if you don't love me, you don't, and it
can't be helped.'
'Very true; but who told you I didn't? Did I say I loved
Annabella?'
'You said you adored her.'
'True, but adoration isn't love. I adore Annabella, but I don't
love her; and I love thee, Milicent, but I don't adore thee.' In
proof of his affection, he clutched a handful of her light brown
ringlets, and appeared to twist them unmercifully.
'Do you really, Ralph?' murmured she, with a faint smile beaming
through her tears, just putting up her hand to his, in token that
he pulled rather too hard.
'To be sure I do,' responded he: 'only you bother me rather,
sometimes.'
'I bother you!' cried she, in very natural surprise.
'Yes, you - but only by your exceeding goodness. When a boy has
been eating raisins and sugar-plums all day, he longs for a squeeze
of sour orange by way of a change. And did you never, Milly,
observe the sands on the sea-shore; how nice and smooth they look,
and how soft and easy they feel to the foot? But if you plod
along, for half an hour, over this soft, easy carpet - giving way
at every step, yielding the more the harder you press, - you'll
find it rather wearisome work, and be glad enough to come to a bit
of good, firm rock, that won't budge an inch whether you stand,
walk, or stamp upon it; and, though it be hard as the nether
millstone, you'll find it the easier footing after all.'
'I know what you mean, Ralph,' said she, nervously playing with her
watchguard and tracing the figure on the rug with the point of her
tiny foot - 'I know what you mean: but I thought you always liked
to be yielded to, and I can't alter now.'
'I do like it,' replied he, bringing her to him by another tug at
her hair. 'You mustn't mind my talk, Milly. A man must have
something to grumble about; and if he can't complain that his wife
harries him to death with her perversity and ill-humour, he must
complain that she wears him out with her kindness and gentleness.'
'But why complain at all, unless because you are tired and
dissatisfied?'
'To excuse my own failings, to be sure. Do you think I'll bear all
the burden of my sins on my own shoulders, as long as there's
another ready to help me, with none of her own to carry?'
'There is no such one on earth,' said she seriously; and then,
taking his hand from her head, she kissed it with an air of genuine
devotion, and tripped away to the door.
'What now?' said he. 'Where are you going?'
'To tidy my hair,' she answered, smiling through her disordered
locks; 'you've made it all come down.'
'Off with you then! - An excellent little woman,' he remarked when
she was gone, 'but a thought too soft - she almost melts in one's
hands. I positively think I ill-use her sometimes, when I've taken
too much - but I can't help it, for she never complains, either at
the time or after. I suppose she doesn't mind it.'
'I can enlighten you on that subject, Mr. Hattersley,' said I:
'she does mind it; and some other things she minds still more,
which yet you may never hear her complain of.'
'How do you know? - does she complain to you?' demanded he, with a
sudden spark of fury ready to burst into a flame if I should answer
"yes."
'No,' I replied; 'but I have known her longer and studied her more
closely than you have done. - And I can tell you, Mr. Hattersley,
that Milicent loves you more than you deserve, and that you have it
in your power to make her very happy, instead of which you are her
evil genius, and, I will venture to say, there is not a single day
passes in which you do not inflict upon her some pang that you
might spare her if you would.'
'Well - it's not my fault,' said he, gazing carelessly up at the
ceiling and plunging his hands into his pockets: 'if my ongoings
don't suit her, she should tell me so.'
'Is she not exactly the wife you wanted? Did you not tell Mr.
Huntingdon you must have one that would submit to anything without
a murmur, and never blame you, whatever you did?'
'True, but we shouldn't always have what we want: it spoils the
best of us, doesn't it? How can I help playing the deuce when I
see it's all one to her whether I behave like a Christian or like a
scoundrel, such as nature made me? and how can I help teasing her
when she's so invitingly meek and mim, when she lies down like a
spaniel at my feet and never so much as squeaks to tell me that's
enough?'
'If you are a tyrant by nature, the temptation is strong, I allow;
but no generous mind delights to oppress the weak, but rather to
cherish and protect.'
'I don't oppress her; but it's so confounded flat to be always
cherishing and protecting; and then, how can I tell that I am
oppressing her when she "melts away and makes no sign"? I
sometimes think she has no feeling at all; and then I go on till
she cries, and that satisfies me.'
'Then you do delight to oppress her?'
'I don't, I tell you! only when I'm in a bad humour, or a
particularly good one, and want to afflict for the pleasure of
comforting; or when she looks flat and wants shaking up a bit. And
sometimes she provokes me by crying for nothing, and won't tell me
what it's for; and then, I allow, it enrages me past bearing,
especially when I'm not my own man.'
'As is no doubt generally the case on such occasions,' said I.
'But in future, Mr. Hattersley, when you see her looking flat, or
crying for "nothing" (as you call it), ascribe it all to yourself:
be assured it is something you have done amiss, or your general
misconduct, that distresses her.'
'I don't believe it. If it were, she should tell me so: I don't
like that way of moping and fretting in silence, and saying
nothing: it's not honest. How can she expect me to mend my ways
at that rate?'
'Perhaps she gives you credit for having more sense than you
possess, and deludes herself with the hope that you will one day
see your own errors and repair them, if left to your own
reflection.'
'None of your sneers, Mrs. Huntingdon. I have the sense to see
that I'm not always quite correct, but sometimes I think that's no
great matter, as long as I injure nobody but myself - '
'It is a great matter,' interrupted I, 'both to yourself (as you
will hereafter find to your cost) and to all connected with you,
most especially your wife. But, indeed, it is nonsense to talk
about injuring no one but yourself: it is impossible to injure
yourself, especially by such acts as we allude to, without injuring
hundreds, if not thousands, besides, in a greater or less, degree,
either by the evil you do or the good you leave undone.'
'And as I was saying,' continued he, 'or would have said if you
hadn't taken me up so short, I sometimes think I should do better
if I were joined to one that would always remind me when I was
wrong, and give me a motive for doing good and eschewing evil, by
decidedly showing her approval of the one and disapproval of the
other.'
'If you had no higher motive than the approval of your fellowmortal,
it would do you little good.'
'Well, but if I had a mate that would not always be yielding, and
always equally kind, but that would have the spirit to stand at bay
now and then, and honestly tell me her mind at all times, such a
one as yourself for instance. Now, if I went on with you as I do
with her when I'm in London, you'd make the house too hot to hold
me at times, I'll be sworn.'
'You mistake me: I'm no termagant.'
'Well, all the better for that, for I can't stand contradiction, in
a general way, and I'm as fond of my own will as another; only I
think too much of it doesn't answer for any man.'
'Well, I would never contradict you without a cause, but certainly
I would always let you know what I thought of your conduct; and if
you oppressed me, in body, mind, or estate, you should at least
have no reason to suppose "I didn't mind it."'
'I know that, my lady; and I think if my little wife were to follow
the same plan, it would be better for us both.'
'I'll tell her.'
'No, no, let her be; there's much to be said on both sides, and,
now I think upon it, Huntingdon often regrets that you are not more
like her, scoundrelly dog that he is, and you see, after all, you
can't reform him: he's ten times worse than I. He's afraid of
you, to be sure; that is, he's always on his best behaviour in your
presence - but - '
'I wonder what his worst behaviour is like, then?' I could not
forbear observing.
'Why, to tell you the truth, it's very bad indeed - isn't it,
Hargrave?' said he, addressing that gentleman, who had entered the
room unperceived by me, for I was now standing near the fire, with
my back to the door. 'Isn't Huntingdon,' he continued, 'as great a
reprobate as ever was d-d?'
'His lady will not hear him censured with impunity,' replied Mr.
Hargrave, coming forward; 'but I must say, I thank God I am not
such another.'
'Perhaps it would become you better,' said I, 'to look at what you
are, and say, "God be merciful to me a sinner."'
'You are severe,' returned he, bowing slightly and drawing himself
up with a proud yet injured air. Hattersley laughed, and clapped
him on the shoulder. Moving from under his hand with a gesture of
insulted dignity, Mr. Hargrave took himself away to the other end
of the rug.
'Isn't it a shame, Mrs. Huntingdon?' cried his brother-in-law; 'I
struck Walter Hargrave when I was drunk, the second night after we
came, and he's turned a cold shoulder on me ever since; though I
asked his pardon the very morning after it was done!'
'Your manner of asking it,' returned the other, 'and the clearness
with which you remembered the whole transaction, showed you were
not too drunk to be fully conscious of what you were about, and
quite responsible for the deed.'
'You wanted to interfere between me and my wife,' grumbled
Hattersley, 'and that is enough to provoke any man.'
'You justify it, then?' said his opponent, darting upon him a most
vindictive glance.
'No, I tell you I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been under
excitement; and if you choose to bear malice for it after all the
handsome things I've said, do so and be d-d!'
'I would refrain from such language in a lady's presence, at
least,' said Mr. Hargrave, hiding his anger under a mask of
disgust.
'What have I said?' returned Hattersley: 'nothing but heaven's
truth. He will be damned, won't he, Mrs. Huntingdon, if he doesn't
forgive his brother's trespasses?'
'You ought to forgive him, Mr. Hargrave, since he asks you,' said
I.
'Do you say so? Then I will!' And, smiling almost frankly, he
stepped forward and offered his hand. It was immediately clasped
in that of his relative, and the reconciliation was apparently
cordial on both sides.
'The affront,' continued Hargrave, turning to me, 'owed half its
bitterness to the fact of its being offered in your presence; and
since you bid me forgive it, I will, and forget it too.'
'I guess the best return I can make will be to take myself off,'
muttered Hattersley, with a broad grin. His companion smiled, and
he left the room. This put me on my guard. Mr. Hargrave turned
seriously to me, and earnestly began, -
'Dear Mrs. Huntingdon, how I have longed for, yet dreaded, this
hour! Do not be alarmed,' he added, for my face was crimson with
anger: 'I am not about to offend you with any useless entreaties
or complaints. I am not going to presume to trouble you with the
mention of my own feelings or your perfections, but I have
something to reveal to you which you ought to know, and which, yet,
it pains me inexpressibly - '
'Then don't trouble yourself to reveal it!'
'But it is of importance - '
'If so I shall hear it soon enough, especially if it is bad news,
as you seem to consider it. At present I am going to take the
children to the nursery.'
'But can't you ring and send them?'
'No; I want the exercise of a run to the top of the house. Come,
Arthur.'
'But you will return?'
'Not yet; don't wait.'
'Then when may I see you again?'
'At lunch,' said I, departing with little Helen in one arm and
leading Arthur by the hand.
He turned away, muttering some sentence of impatient censure or
complaint, in which 'heartless' was the only distinguishable word.
'What nonsense is this, Mr. Hargrave?' said I, pausing in the
doorway. 'What do you mean?'
'Oh, nothing; I did not intend you should hear my soliloquy. But
the fact is, Mrs. Huntingdon, I have a disclosure to make, painful
for me to offer as for you to hear; and I want you to give me a few
minutes of your attention in private at any time and place you like
to appoint. It is from no selfish motive that I ask it, and not
for any cause that could alarm your superhuman purity: therefore
you need not kill me with that look of cold and pitiless disdain.
I know too well the feelings with which the bearers of bad tidings
are commonly regarded not to - '
'What is this wonderful piece of intelligence?' said I, impatiently
interrupting him. 'If it is anything of real importance, speak it
in three words before I go.'
'In three words I cannot. Send those children away and stay with
me.'
'No; keep your bad tidings to yourself. I know it is something I
don't want to hear, and something you would displease me by
telling.'
'You have divined too truly, I fear; but still, since I know it, I
feel it my duty to disclose it to you.'
'Oh, spare us both the infliction, and I will exonerate you from
the duty. You have offered to tell; I have refused to hear: my
ignorance will not be charged on you.'
'Be it so: you shall not hear it from me. But if the blow fall
too suddenly upon you when it comes, remember I wished to soften
it!'
I left him. I was determined his words should not alarm me. What
could he, of all men, have to reveal that was of importance for me
to hear? It was no doubt some exaggerated tale about my
unfortunate husband that he wished to make the most of to serve his
own bad purposes.
6th. - He has not alluded to this momentous mystery since, and I
have seen no reason to repent of my unwillingness to hear it. The
threatened blow has not been struck yet, and I do not greatly fear
it. At present I am pleased with Arthur: he has not positively
disgraced himself for upwards of a fortnight, and all this last
week has been so very moderate in his indulgence at table that I
can perceive a marked difference in his general temper and
appearance. Dare I hope this will continue?
CHAPTER XXXIII
Seventh. - Yes, I will hope! To-night I heard Grimsby and
Hattersley grumbling together about the inhospitality of their
host. They did not know I was near, for I happened to be standing
behind the curtain in the bow of the window, watching the moon
rising over the clump of tall dark elm-trees below the lawn, and
wondering why Arthur was so sentimental as to stand without,
leaning against the outer pillar of the portico, apparently
watching it too.
'So, I suppose we've seen the last of our merry carousals in this
house,' said Mr. Hattersley; 'I thought his good-fellowship
wouldn't last long. But,' added he, laughing, 'I didn't expect it
would meet its end this way. I rather thought our pretty hostess
would be setting up her porcupine quills, and threatening to turn
us out of the house if we didn't mind our manners.'
'You didn't foresee this, then?' answered Grimsby, with a guttural
chuckle. 'But he'll change again when he's sick of her. If we
come here a year or two hence, we shall have all our own way,
you'll see.'
'I don't know,' replied the other: 'she's not the style of woman
you soon tire of. But be that as it may, it's devilish provoking
now that we can't be jolly, because he chooses to be on his good
behaviour.'
'It's all these cursed women!' muttered Grimsby: 'they're the very
bane of the world! They bring trouble and discomfort wherever they
come, with their false, fair faces and their deceitful tongues.'
At this juncture I issued from my retreat, and smiling on Mr.
Grimsby as I passed, left the room and went out in search of
Arthur. Having seen him bend his course towards the shrubbery, I
followed him thither, and found him just entering the shadowy walk.
I was so light of heart, so overflowing with affection, that I
sprang upon him and clasped him in my arms. This startling conduct
had a singular effect upon him: first, he murmured, 'Bless you,
darling!' and returned my close embrace with a fervour like old
times, and then he started, and, in a tone of absolute terror,
exclaimed, 'Helen! what the devil is this?' and I saw, by the faint
light gleaming through the overshadowing tree, that he was
positively pale with the shock.
How strange that the instinctive impulse of affection should come
first, and then the shock of the surprise! It shows, at least,
that the affection is genuine: he is not sick of me yet.
'I startled you, Arthur,' said I, laughing in my glee. 'How
nervous you are!'
'What the deuce did you do it for?' cried he, quite testily,
extricating himself from my arms, and wiping his forehead with his
handkerchief. 'Go back, Helen - go back directly! You'll get your
death of cold!'
'I won't, till I've told you what I came for. They are blaming
you, Arthur, for your temperance and sobriety, and I'm come to
thank you for it. They say it is all "these cursed women," and
that we are the bane of the world; but don't let them laugh or
grumble you out of your good resolutions, or your affection for
me.'
He laughed. I squeezed him in my arms again, and cried in tearful
earnest, 'Do, do persevere! and I'll love you better than ever I
did before!'
'Well, well, I will!' said he, hastily kissing me. 'There, now,
go. You mad creature, how could you come out in your light evening
dress this chill autumn night?'
'It is a glorious night,' said I.
'It is a night that will give you your death, in another minute.
Run away, do!'
'Do you see my death among those trees, Arthur?' said I, for he was
gazing intently at the shrubs, as if he saw it coming, and I was
reluctant to leave him, in my new-found happiness and revival of
hope and love. But he grew angry at my delay, so I kissed him and
ran back to the house.
I was in such a good humour that night: Milicent told me I was the
life of the party, and whispered she had never seen me so
brilliant. Certainly, I talked enough for twenty, and smiled upon
them all. Grimsby, Hattersley, Hargrave, Lady Lowborough, all
shared my sisterly kindness. Grimsby stared and wondered;
Hattersley laughed and jested (in spite of the little wine he had
been suffered to imbibe), but still behaved as well as he knew how.
Hargrave and Annabella, from different motives and in different
ways, emulated me, and doubtless both surpassed me, the former in
his discursive versatility and eloquence, the latter in boldness
and animation at least. Milicent, delighted to see her husband,
her brother, and her over-estimated friend acquitting themselves so
well, was lively and gay too, in her quiet way. Even Lord
Lowborough caught the general contagion: his dark greenish eyes
were lighted up beneath their moody brows; his sombre countenance
was beautified by smiles; all traces of gloom and proud or cold
reserve had vanished for the time; and he astonished us all, not
only by his general cheerfulness and animation, but by the positive
flashes of true force and brilliance he emitted from time to time.
Arthur did not talk much, but he laughed, and listened to the rest,
and was in perfect good-humour, though not excited by wine. So
that, altogether, we made a very merry, innocent, and entertaining
party.
9th. - Yesterday, when Rachel came to dress me for dinner, I saw
that she had been crying. I wanted to know the cause of it, but
she seemed reluctant to tell. Was she unwell? No. Had she heard
bad news from her friends? No. Had any of the servants vexed her?
'Oh, no, ma'am!' she answered; 'it's not for myself.'
'What then, Rachel? Have you been reading novels?'
'Bless you, no!' said she, with a sorrowful shake of the head; and
then she sighed and continued: 'But to tell you the truth, ma'am,
I don't like master's ways of going on.'
'What do you mean, Rachel? He's going on very properly at
present.'
'Well, ma'am, if you think so, it's right.'
And she went on dressing my hair, in a hurried way, quite unlike
her usual calm, collected manner, murmuring, half to herself, she
was sure it was beautiful hair: she 'could like to see 'em match
it.' When it was done, she fondly stroked it, and gently patted my
head.
'Is that affectionate ebullition intended for my hair, or myself,
nurse?' said I, laughingly turning round upon her; but a tear was
even now in her eye.
'What do you mean, Rachel?' I exclaimed.
'Well, ma'am, I don't know; but if - '
'If what?'
'Well, if I was you, I wouldn't have that Lady Lowborough in the
house another minute - not another minute I wouldn't!
I was thunderstruck; but before I could recover from the shock
sufficiently to demand an explanation, Milicent entered my room, as
she frequently does when she is dressed before me; and she stayed
with me till it was time to go down. She must have found me a very
unsociable companion this time, for Rachel's last words rang in my
ears. But still I hoped, I trusted they had no foundation but in
some idle rumour of the servants from what they had seen in Lady
Lowborough's manner last month; or perhaps from something that had
passed between their master and her during her former visit. At
dinner I narrowly observed both her and Arthur, and saw nothing
extraordinary in the conduct of either, nothing calculated to
excite suspicion, except in distrustful minds, which mine was not,
and therefore I would not suspect.
Almost immediately after dinner Annabella went out with her husband
to share his moonlight ramble, for it was a splendid evening like
the last. Mr. Hargrave entered the drawing-room a little before
the others, and challenged me to a game of chess. He did it
without any of that sad but proud humility he usually assumes in
addressing me, unless he is excited with wine. I looked at his
face to see if that was the case now. His eye met mine keenly, but
steadily: there was something about him I did not understand, but
he seemed sober enough. Not choosing to engage with him, I
referred him to Milicent.
'She plays badly,' said he, 'I want to match my skill with yours.
Come now! you can't pretend you are reluctant to lay down your
work. I know you never take it up except to pass an idle hour,
when there is nothing better you can do.'
'But chess-players are so unsociable,' I objected; 'they are no
company for any but themselves.'
'There is no one here but Milicent, and she - '
'Oh, I shall be delighted to watch you!' cried our mutual friend.
'Two such players - it will be quite a treat! I wonder which will
conquer.'
I consented.
'Now, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said Hargrave, as he arranged the men on
the board, speaking distinctly, and with a peculiar emphasis, as if
he had a double meaning to all his words, 'you are a good player,
but I am a better: we shall have a long game, and you will give me
some trouble; but I can be as patient as you, and in the end I
shall certainly win.' He fixed his eyes upon me with a glance I
did not like, keen, crafty, bold, and almost impudent; - already
half triumphant in his anticipated success.
'I hope not, Mr. Hargrave!' returned I, with vehemence that must
have startled Milicent at least; but he only smiled and murmured,
'Time will show.'
We set to work: he sufficiently interested in the game, but calm
and fearless in the consciousness of superior skill: I, intensely
eager to disappoint his expectations, for I considered this the
type of a more serious contest, as I imagined he did, and I felt an
almost superstitious dread of being beaten: at all events, I could
ill endure that present success should add one tittle to his
conscious power (his insolent self-confidence I ought to say), or
encourage for a moment his dream of future conquest. His play was
cautious and deep, but I struggled hard against him. For some time
the combat was doubtful: at length, to my joy, the victory seemed
inclining to my side: I had taken several of his best pieces, and
manifestly baffled his projects. He put his hand to his brow and
paused, in evident perplexity. I rejoiced in my advantage, but
dared not glory in it yet. At length, he lifted his head, and
quietly making his move, looked at me and said, calmly, 'Now you
think you will win, don't you?'
'I hope so,' replied I, taking his pawn that he had pushed into the
way of my bishop with so careless an air that I thought it was an
oversight, but was not generous enough, under the circumstances, to
direct his attention to it, and too heedless, at the moment, to
foresee the after-consequences of my move.
'It is those bishops that trouble me,' said he; 'but the bold
knight can overleap the reverend gentlemen,' taking my last bishop
with his knight; 'and now, those sacred persons once removed, I
shall carry all before me.'
'Oh, Walter, how you talk!' cried Milicent; 'she has far more
pieces than you still.'
'I intend to give you some trouble yet,' said I; 'and perhaps, sir,
you will find yourself checkmated before you are aware. Look to
your queen.'
The combat deepened. The game was a long one, and I did give him
some trouble: but he was a better player than I.
'What keen gamesters you are!' said Mr. Hattersley, who had now
entered, and been watching us for some time. 'Why, Mrs.
Huntingdon, your hand trembles as if you had staked your all upon
it! and, Walter, you dog, you look as deep and cool as if you were
certain of success, and as keen and cruel as if you would drain her
heart's blood! But if I were you, I wouldn't beat her, for very
fear: she'll hate you if you do - she will, by heaven! I see it
in her eye.'
'Hold your tongue, will you?' said I: his talk distracted me, for
I was driven to extremities. A few more moves, and I was
inextricably entangled in the snare of my antagonist.
'Check,' cried he: I sought in agony some means of escape.
'Mate!' he added, quietly, but with evident delight. He had
suspended the utterance of that last fatal syllable the better to
enjoy my dismay. I was foolishly disconcerted by the event.
Hattersley laughed; Milicent was troubled to see me so disturbed.
Hargrave placed his hand on mine that rested on the table, and
squeezing it with a firm but gentle pressure, murmured, 'Beaten,
beaten!' and gazed into my face with a look where exultation was
blended with an expression of ardour and tenderness yet more
insulting.
'No, never, Mr. Hargrave!' exclaimed I, quickly withdrawing my
hand.
'Do you deny?' replied he, smilingly pointing to the board. 'No,
no,' I answered, recollecting how strange my conduct must appear:
'you have beaten me in that game.'
'Will you try another, then?'
'No.'
'You acknowledge my superiority?'
'Yes, as a chess-player.'
I rose to resume my work.
'Where is Annabella?' said Hargrave, gravely, after glancing round
the room.
'Gone out with Lord Lowborough,' answered I, for he looked at me
for a reply.
'And not yet returned!' he said, seriously.
'I suppose not.'
'Where is Huntingdon?' looking round again.
'Gone out with Grimsby, as you know,' said Hattersley, suppressing
a laugh, which broke forth as he concluded the sentence. Why did
he laugh? Why did Hargrave connect them thus together? Was it
true, then? And was this the dreadful secret he had wished to
reveal to me? I must know, and that quickly. I instantly rose and
left the room to go in search of Rachel and demand an explanation
of her words; but Mr. Hargrave followed me into the anteroom, and
before I could open its outer door, gently laid his hand upon the
lock. 'May I tell you something, Mrs. Huntingdon?' said he, in a
subdued tone, with serious, downcast eyes.
'If it be anything worth hearing,' replied I, struggling to be
composed, for I trembled in every limb.
He quietly pushed a chair towards me. I merely leant my hand upon
it, and bid him go on.
'Do not be alarmed,' said he: 'what I wish to say is nothing in
itself; and I will leave you to draw your own inferences from it.
You say that Annabella is not yet returned?'
'Yes, yes - go on!' said I, impatiently; for I feared my forced
calmness would leave me before the end of his disclosure, whatever
it might be.
'And you hear,' continued he, 'that Huntingdon is gone out with
Grimsby?'
'Well?'
'I heard the latter say to your husband - or the man who calls
himself so - '
'Go on, sir!'
He bowed submissively, and continued: 'I heard him say, - "I shall
manage it, you'll see! They're gone down by the water; I shall
meet them there, and tell him I want a bit of talk with him about
some things that we needn't trouble the lady with; and she'll say
she can be walking back to the house; and then I shall apologise,
you know, and all that, and tip her a wink to take the way of the
shrubbery. I'll keep him talking there, about those matters I
mentioned, and anything else I can think of, as long as I can, and
then bring him round the other way, stopping to look at the trees,
the fields, and anything else I can find to discourse of."' Mr.
Hargrave paused, and looked at me.
Without a word of comment or further questioning, I rose, and
darted from the room and out of the house. The torment of suspense
was not to be endured: I would not suspect my husband falsely, on
this man's accusation, and I would not trust him unworthily - I
must know the truth at once. I flew to the shrubbery. Scarcely
had I reached it, when a sound of voices arrested my breathless
speed.
'We have lingered too long; he will be back,' said Lady
Lowborough's voice.
'Surely not, dearest!' was his reply; 'but you can run across the
lawn, and get in as quietly as you can; I'll follow in a while.'
My knees trembled under me; my brain swam round. I was ready to
faint. She must not see me thus. I shrunk among the bushes, and
leant against the trunk of a tree to let her pass.
'Ah, Huntingdon!' said she reproachfully, pausing where I had stood
with him the night before - 'it was here you kissed that woman!'
she looked back into the leafy shade. Advancing thence, he
answered, with a careless laugh, -
'Well, dearest, I couldn't help it. You know I must keep straight
with her as long as I can. Haven't I seen you kiss your dolt of a
husband scores of times? - and do I ever complain?'
'But tell me, don't you love her still - a little?' said she,
placing her hand on his arm, looking earnestly in his face - for I
could see them, plainly, the moon shining full upon them from
between the branches of the tree that sheltered me.
'Not one bit, by all that's sacred!' he replied, kissing her
glowing cheek.
'Good heavens, I must be gone!' cried she, suddenly breaking from
him, and away she flew.
There he stood before me; but I had not strength to confront him
now: my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth; I was well-nigh
sinking to the earth, and I almost wondered he did not hear the
beating of my heart above the low sighing of the wind and the
fitful rustle of the falling leaves. My senses seemed to fail me,
but still I saw his shadowy form pass before me, and through the
rushing sound in my ears I distinctly heard him say, as he stood
looking up the lawn, - 'There goes the fool! Run, Annabella, run!
There - in with you! Ah, - he didn't see! That's right, Grimsby,
keep him back!' And even his low laugh reached me as he walked
away.
'God help me now!' I murmured, sinking on my knees among the damp
weeds and brushwood that surrounded me, and looking up at the
moonlit sky, through the scant foliage above. It seemed all dim
and quivering now to my darkened sight. My burning, bursting heart
strove to pour forth its agony to God, but could not frame its
anguish into prayer; until a gust of wind swept over me, which,
while it scattered the dead leaves, like blighted hopes, around,
cooled my forehead, and seemed a little to revive my sinking frame.
Then, while I lifted up my soul in speechless, earnest
supplication, some heavenly influence seemed to strengthen me
within: I breathed more freely; my vision cleared; I saw
distinctly the pure moon shining on, and the light clouds skimming
the clear, dark sky; and then I saw the eternal stars twinkling
down upon me; I knew their God was mine, and He was strong to save
and swift to hear. 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee,'
seemed whispered from above their myriad orbs. No, no; I felt He
would not leave me comfortless: in spite of earth and hell I
should have strength for all my trials, and win a glorious rest at
last!
Refreshed, invigorated, if not composed, I rose and returned to the
house. Much of my new-born strength and courage forsook me, I
confess, as I entered it, and shut out the fresh wind and the
glorious sky: everything I saw and heard seemed to sicken my heart
- the hall, the lamp, the staircase, the doors of the different
apartments, the social sound of talk and laughter from the drawingroom.
How could I bear my future life! In this house, among those
people - oh, how could I endure to live! John just then entered
the hall, and seeing me, told me he had been sent in search of me,
adding that he had taken in the tea, and master wished to know if I
were coming.
'Ask Mrs. Hattersley to be so kind as to make the tea, John,' said
I. 'Say I am not well to-night, and wish to be excused.'
I retired into the large, empty dining-room, where all was silence
and darkness, but for the soft sighing of the wind without, and the
faint gleam of moonlight that pierced the blinds and curtains; and
there I walked rapidly up and down, thinking of my bitter thoughts
alone. How different was this from the evening of yesterday!
That, it seems, was the last expiring flash of my life's happiness.
Poor, blinded fool that I was to be so happy! I could now see the
reason of Arthur's strange reception of me in the shrubbery; the
burst of kindness was for his paramour, the start of horror for his
wife. Now, too, I could better understand the conversation between
Hattersley and Grimsby; it was doubtless of his love for her they
spoke, not for me.
I heard the drawing-room door open: a light quick step came out of
the ante-room, crossed the hall, and ascended the stairs. It was
Milicent, poor Milicent, gone to see how I was - no one else cared
for me; but she still was kind. I shed no tears before, but now
they came, fast and free. Thus she did me good, without
approaching me. Disappointed in her search, I heard her come down,
more slowly than she had ascended. Would she come in there, and
find me out? No, she turned in the opposite direction and reentered
the drawing-room. I was glad, for I knew not how to meet
her, or what to say. I wanted no confidante in my distress. I
deserved none, and I wanted none. I had taken the burden upon
myself; let me bear it alone.
As the usual hour of retirement approached I dried my eyes, and
tried to clear my voice and calm my mind. I must see Arthur tonight,
and speak to him; but I would do it calmly: there should be
no scene - nothing to complain or to boast of to his companions -
nothing to laugh at with his lady-love. When the company were
retiring to their chambers I gently opened the door, and just as he
passed, beckoned him in.
'What's to do with you, Helen?' said he. 'Why couldn't you come to
make tea for us? and what the deuce are you here for, in the dark?
What ails you, young woman: you look like a ghost!' he continued,
surveying me by the light of his candle.
'No matter,' I answered, 'to you; you have no longer any regard for
me it appears; and I have no longer any for you.'
'Hal-lo! what the devil is this?' he muttered.
'I would leave you to-morrow,' continued I, 'and never again come
under this roof, but for my child' - I paused a moment to steady,
my voice.
'What in the devil's name is this, Helen?' cried he. 'What can you
be driving at?'
'You know perfectly well. Let us waste no time in useless
explanation, but tell me, will you -?'
He vehemently swore he knew nothing about it, and insisted upon
hearing what poisonous old woman had been blackening his name, and
what infamous lies I had been fool enough to believe.
'Spare yourself the trouble of forswearing yourself and racking
your brains to stifle truth with falsehood,' I coldly replied. 'I
have trusted to the testimony of no third person. I was in the
shrubbery this evening, and I saw and heard for myself.'
This was enough. He uttered a suppressed exclamation of
consternation and dismay, and muttering, 'I shall catch it now!'
set down his candle on the nearest chair, and rearing his back
against the wall, stood confronting me with folded arms.
'Well, what then?' said he, with the calm insolence of mingled
shamelessness and desperation.
'Only this,' returned I; 'will you let me take our child and what
remains of my fortune, and go?'
'Go where?'
'Anywhere, where he will be safe from your contaminating influence,
and I shall be delivered from your presence, and you from mine.'
'No.'
'Will you let me have the child then, without the money?'
'No, nor yourself without the child. Do you think I'm going to be
made the talk of the country for your fastidious caprices?'
'Then I must stay here, to be hated and despised. But henceforth
we are husband and wife only in the name.'
'Very good.'
'I am your child's mother, and your housekeeper, nothing more. So
you need not trouble yourself any longer to feign the love you
cannot feel: I will exact no more heartless caresses from you, nor
offer nor endure them either. I will not be mocked with the empty
husk of conjugal endearments, when you have given the substance to
another!'
'Very good, if you please. We shall see who will tire first, my
lady.'
'If I tire, it will be of living in the world with you: not of
living without your mockery of love. When you tire of your sinful
ways, and show yourself truly repentant, I will forgive you, and,
perhaps, try to love you again, though that will be hard indeed.'
'Humph! and meantime you will go and talk me over to Mrs. Hargrave,
and write long letters to aunt Maxwell to complain of the wicked
wretch you have married?'
'I shall complain to no one. Hitherto I have struggled hard to
hide your vices from every eye, and invest you with virtues you
never possessed; but now you must look to yourself.'
I left him muttering bad language to himself, and went up-stairs.
'You are poorly, ma'am,' said Rachel, surveying me with deep
anxiety.
'It is too true, Rachel,' said I, answering her sad looks rather
than her words.
'I knew it, or I wouldn't have mentioned such a thing.'
'But don't you trouble yourself about it,' said I, kissing her
pale, time-wasted cheek. 'I can bear it better than you imagine.'
'Yes, you were always for "bearing." But if I was you I wouldn't
bear it; I'd give way to it, and cry right hard! and I'd talk too,
I just would - I'd let him know what it was to - '
'I have talked,' said I; 'I've said enough.'
'Then I'd cry,' persisted she. 'I wouldn't look so white and so
calm, and burst my heart with keeping it in.'
'I have cried,' said I, smiling, in spite of my misery; 'and I am
calm now, really: so don't discompose me again, nurse: let us say
no more about it, and don't mention it to the servants. There, you
may go now. Good-night; and don't disturb your rest for me: I
shall sleep well - if I can.'
Notwithstanding this resolution, I found my bed so intolerable
that, before two o'clock, I rose, and lighting my candle by the
rushlight that was still burning, I got my desk and sat down in my
dressing-gown to recount the events of the past evening. It was
better to be so occupied than to be lying in bed torturing my brain
with recollections of the far past and anticipations of the
dreadful future. I have found relief in describing the very
circumstances that have destroyed my peace, as well as the little
trivial details attendant upon their discovery. No sleep I could
have got this night would have done so much towards composing my
mind, and preparing me to meet the trials of the day. I fancy so,
at least; and yet, when I cease writing, I find my head aches
terribly; and when I look into the glass, I am startled at my
haggard, worn appearance.
Rachel has been to dress me, and says I have had a sad night of it,
she can see. Milicent has just looked in to ask me how I was. I
told her I was better, but to excuse my appearance admitted I had
had a restless night. I wish this day were over! I shudder at the
thoughts of going down to breakfast. How shall I encounter them
all? Yet let me remember it is not I that am guilty: I have no
cause to fear; and if they scorn me as a victim of their guilt, I
can pity their folly and despise their scorn.
CHAPTER XXXIV
Evening. - Breakfast passed well over: I was calm and cool
throughout. I answered composedly all inquiries respecting my
health; and whatever was unusual in my look or manner was generally
attributed to the trifling indisposition that had occasioned my
early retirement last night. But how am I to get over the ten or
twelve days that must yet elapse before they go? Yet why so long
for their departure? When they are gone, how shall I get through
the months or years of my future life in company with that man - my
greatest enemy? for none could injure me as he has done. Oh! when
I think how fondly, how foolishly I have loved him, how madly I
have trusted him, how constantly I have laboured, and studied, and
prayed, and struggled for his advantage; and how cruelly he has
trampled on my love, betrayed my trust, scorned my prayers and
tears, and efforts for his preservation, crushed my hopes,
destroyed my youth's best feelings, and doomed me to a life of
hopeless misery, as far as man can do it, it is not enough to say
that I no longer love my husband - I HATE him! The word stares me
in the face like a guilty confession, but it is true: I hate him -
I hate him! But God have mercy on his miserable soul! and make him
see and feel his guilt - I ask no other vengeance! If he could but
fully know and truly feel my wrongs I should be well avenged, and I
could freely pardon all; but he is so lost, so hardened in his
heartless depravity, that in this life I believe he never will.
But it is useless dwelling on this theme: let me seek once more to
dissipate reflection in the minor details of passing events.
Mr. Hargrave has annoyed me all day long with his serious,
sympathising, and (as he thinks) unobtrusive politeness. If it
were more obtrusive it would trouble me less, for then I could snub
him; but, as it is, he contrives to appear so really kind and
thoughtful that I cannot do so without rudeness and seeming
ingratitude. I sometimes think I ought to give him credit for the
good feeling he simulates so well; and then again, I think it is my
duty to suspect him under the peculiar circumstances in which I am
placed. His kindness may not all be feigned; but still, let not
the purest impulse of gratitude to him induce me to forget myself:
let me remember the game of chess, the expressions he used on the
occasion, and those indescribable looks of his, that so justly
roused my indignation, and I think I shall be safe enough. I have
done well to record them so minutely.
I think he wishes to find an opportunity of speaking to me alone:
he has seemed to be on the watch all day; but I have taken care to
disappoint him - not that I fear anything he could say, but I have
trouble enough without the addition of his insulting consolations,
condolences, or whatever else he might attempt; and, for Milicent's
sake, I do not wish to quarrel with him. He excused himself from
going out to shoot with the other gentlemen in the morning, under
the pretext of having letters to write; and instead of retiring for
that purpose into the library, he sent for his desk into the
morning-room, where I was seated with Milicent and Lady Lowborough.
They had betaken themselves to their work; I, less to divert my
mind than to deprecate conversation, had provided myself with a
book. Milicent saw that I wished to be quiet, and accordingly let
me alone. Annabella, doubtless, saw it too: but that was no
reason why she should restrain her tongue, or curb her cheerful
spirits: she accordingly chatted away, addressing herself almost
exclusively to me, and with the utmost assurance and familiarity,
growing the more animated and friendly the colder and briefer my
answers became. Mr. Hargrave saw that I could ill endure it, and,
looking up from his desk, he answered her questions and
observations for me, as far as he could, and attempted to transfer
her social attentions from me to himself; but it would not do.
Perhaps she thought I had a headache, and could not bear to talk;
at any rate, she saw that her loquacious vivacity annoyed me, as I
could tell by the malicious pertinacity with which she persisted.
But I checked it effectually by putting into her hand the book I
had been trying to read, on the fly-leaf of which I had hastily
scribbled, -
'I am too well acquainted with your character and conduct to feel
any real friendship for you, and as I am without your talent for
dissimulation, I cannot assume the appearance of it. I must,
therefore, beg that hereafter all familiar intercourse may cease
between us; and if I still continue to treat you with civility, as
if you were a woman worthy of consideration and respect, understand
that it is out of regard for your cousin Milicent's feelings, not
for yours.'
Upon perusing this she turned scarlet, and bit her lip. Covertly
tearing away the leaf, she crumpled it up and put it in the fire,
and then employed herself in turning over the pages of the book,
and, really or apparently, perusing its contents. In a little
while Milicent announced it her intention to repair to the nursery,
and asked if I would accompany her.
'Annabella will excuse us,' said she; 'she's busy reading.'
'No, I won't,' cried Annabella, suddenly looking up, and throwing
her book on the table; 'I want to speak to Helen a minute. You may
go, Milicent, and she'll follow in a while.' (Milicent went.)
'Will you oblige me, Helen?' continued she.
Her impudence astounded me; but I complied, and followed her into
the library. She closed the door, and walked up to the fire.
'Who told you this?' said she.
'No one: I am not incapable of seeing for myself.'
'Ah, you are suspicious!' cried she, smiling, with a gleam of hope.
Hitherto there had been a kind of desperation in her hardihood; now
she was evidently relieved.
'If I were suspicious,' I replied, 'I should have discovered your
infamy long before. No, Lady Lowborough, I do not found my charge
upon suspicion.'
'On what do you found it, then?' said she, throwing herself into an
arm-chair, and stretching out her feet to the fender, with an
obvious effort to appear composed.
'I enjoy a moonlight ramble as well as you,' I answered, steadily
fixing my eyes upon her; 'and the shrubbery happens to be one of my
favourite resorts.'
She coloured again excessively, and remained silent, pressing her
finger against her teeth, and gazing into the fire. I watched her
a few moments with a feeling of malevolent gratification; then,
moving towards the door, I calmly asked if she had anything more to
say.
'Yes, yes!' cried she eagerly, starting up from her reclining
posture. 'I want to know if you will tell Lord Lowborough?'
'Suppose I do?'
'Well, if you are disposed to publish the matter, I cannot dissuade
you, of course - but there will be terrible work if you do - and if
you don't, I shall think you the most generous of mortal beings -
and if there is anything in the world I can do for you - anything
short of - ' she hesitated.
'Short of renouncing your guilty connection with my husband, I
suppose you mean?' said I.
She paused, in evident disconcertion and perplexity, mingled with
anger she dared not show.
'I cannot renounce what is dearer than life,' she muttered, in a
low, hurried tone. Then, suddenly raising her head and fixing her
gleaming eyes upon me, she continued earnestly: 'But, Helen - or
Mrs. Huntingdon, or whatever you would have me call you - will you
tell him? If you are generous, here is a fitting opportunity for
the exercise of your magnanimity: if you are proud, here am I -
your rival - ready to acknowledge myself your debtor for an act of
the most noble forbearance.'
'I shall not tell him.'
'You will not!' cried she, delightedly. 'Accept my sincere thanks,
then!'
She sprang up, and offered me her hand. I drew back.
'Give me no thanks; it is not for your sake that I refrain.
Neither is it an act of any forbearance: I have no wish to publish
your shame. I should be sorry to distress your husband with the
knowledge of it.'
'And Milicent? will you tell her?'
'No: on the contrary, I shall do my utmost to conceal it from her.
I would not for much that she should know the infamy and disgrace
of her relation!'
'You use hard words, Mrs. Huntingdon, but I can pardon you.'
'And now, Lady Lowborough,' continued I, 'let me counsel you to
leave this house as soon as possible. You must be aware that your
continuance here is excessively disagreeable to me - not for Mr.
Huntingdon's sake,' said I, observing the dawn of a malicious smile
of triumph on her face - 'you are welcome to him, if you like him,
as far as I am concerned - but because it is painful to be always
disguising my true sentiments respecting you, and straining to keep
up an appearance of civility and respect towards one for whom I
have not the most distant shadow of esteem; and because, if you
stay, your conduct cannot possibly remain concealed much longer
from the only two persons in the house who do not know it already.
And, for your husband's sake, Annabella, and even for your own, I
wish - I earnestly advise and entreat you to break off this
unlawful connection at once, and return to your duty while you may,
before the dreadful consequences - '
'Yes, yes, of course,' said she, interrupting me with a gesture of
impatience. 'But I cannot go, Helen, before the time appointed for
our departure. What possible pretext could I frame for such a
thing? Whether I proposed going back alone - which Lowborough
would not hear of - or taking him with me, the very circumstance
itself would be certain to excite suspicion - and when our visit is
so nearly at an end too - little more than a week - surely you can
endure my presence so long! I will not annoy you with any more of
my friendly impertinences.'
'Well, I have nothing more to say to you.'
'Have you mentioned this affair to Huntingdon?' asked she, as I was
leaving the room.
'How dare you mention his name to me!' was the only answer I gave.
No words have passed between us since, but such as outward decency
or pure necessity demanded.
CHAPTER XXXV
Nineteenth. - In proportion as Lady Lowborough finds she has
nothing to fear from me, and as the time of departure draws nigh,
the more audacious and insolent she becomes. She does not scruple
to speak to my husband with affectionate familiarity in my
presence, when no one else is by, and is particularly fond of
displaying her interest in his health and welfare, or in anything
that concerns him, as if for the purpose of contrasting her kind
solicitude with my cold indifference. And he rewards her by such
smiles and glances, such whispered words, or boldly-spoken
insinuations, indicative of his sense of her goodness and my
neglect, as make the blood rush into my face, in spite of myself -
for I would be utterly regardless of it all - deaf and blind to
everything that passes between them, since the more I show myself
sensible of their wickedness the more she triumphs in her victory,
and the more he flatters himself that I love him devotedly still,
in spite of my pretended indifference. On such occasions I have
sometimes been startled by a subtle, fiendish suggestion inciting
me to show him the contrary by a seeming encouragement of
Hargrave's advances; but such ideas are banished in a moment with
horror and self-abasement; and then I hate him tenfold more than
ever for having brought me to this! - God pardon me for it and all
my sinful thoughts! Instead of being humbled and purified by my
afflictions, I feel that they are turning my nature into gall.
This must be my fault as much as theirs that wrong me. No true
Christian could cherish such bitter feelings as I do against him
and her, especially the latter: him, I still feel that I could
pardon - freely, gladly - on the slightest token of repentance; but
she - words cannot utter my abhorrence. Reason forbids, but
passion urges strongly; and I must pray and struggle long ere I
subdue it.
It is well that she is leaving to-morrow, for I could not well
endure her presence for another day. This morning she rose earlier
than usual. I found her in the room alone, when I went down to
breakfast.
'Oh, Helen! is it you?' said she, turning as I entered.
I gave an involuntary start back on seeing her, at which she
uttered a short laugh, observing, 'I think we are both
disappointed.'
I came forward and busied myself with the breakfast things.
'This is the last day I shall burden your hospitality,' said she,
as she seated herself at the table. 'Ah, here comes one that will
not rejoice at it!' she murmured, half to herself, as Arthur
entered the room.
He shook hands with her and wished her good-morning: then, looking
lovingly in her face, and still retaining her hand in his, murmured
pathetically, 'The last - last day!'
'Yes,' said she with some asperity; 'and I rose early to make the
best of it - I have been here alone this half-hour, and you - you
lazy creature - '
'Well, I thought I was early too,' said he; 'but,' dropping his
voice almost to a whisper, 'you see we are not alone.'
'We never are,' returned she. But they were almost as good as
alone, for I was now standing at the window, watching the clouds,
and struggling to suppress my wrath.
Some more words passed between them, which, happily, I did not
overhear; but Annabella had the audacity to come and place herself
beside me, and even to put her hand upon my shoulder and say
softly, 'You need not grudge him to me, Helen, for I love him more
than ever you could do.'
This put me beside myself. I took her hand and violently dashed it
from me, with an expression of abhorrence and indignation that
could not be suppressed. Startled, almost appalled, by this sudden
outbreak, she recoiled in silence. I would have given way to my
fury and said more, but Arthur's low laugh recalled me to myself.
I checked the half-uttered invective, and scornfully turned away,
regretting that I had given him so much amusement. He was still
laughing when Mr. Hargrave made his appearance. How much of the
scene he had witnessed I do not know, for the door was ajar when he
entered. He greeted his host and his cousin both coldly, and me
with a glance intended to express the deepest sympathy mingled with
high admiration and esteem.
'How much allegiance do you owe to that man?' he asked below his
breath, as he stood beside me at the window, affecting to be making
observations on the weather.
'None,' I answered. And immediately returning to the table, I
employed myself in making the tea. He followed, and would have
entered into some kind of conversation with me, but the other
guests were now beginning to assemble, and I took no more notice of
him, except to give him his coffee.
After breakfast, determined to pass as little of the day as
possible in company with Lady Lowborough, I quietly stole away from
the company and retired to the library. Mr. Hargrave followed me
thither, under pretence of coming for a book; and first, turning to
the shelves, he selected a volume, and then quietly, but by no
means timidly, approaching me, he stood beside me, resting his hand
on the back of my chair, and said softly, 'And so you consider
yourself free at last?'
'Yes,' said I, without moving, or raising my eyes from my book,
'free to do anything but offend God and my conscience.'
There was a momentary pause.
'Very right,' said he, 'provided your conscience be not too
morbidly tender, and your ideas of God not too erroneously severe;
but can you suppose it would offend that benevolent Being to make
the happiness of one who would die for yours? - to raise a devoted
heart from purgatorial torments to a state of heavenly bliss, when
you could do it without the slightest injury to yourself or any
other?'
This was spoken in a low, earnest, melting tone, as he bent over
me. I now raised my head; and steadily confronting his gaze, I
answered calmly, 'Mr. Hargrave, do you mean to insult me?'
He was not prepared for this. He paused a moment to recover the
shook; then, drawing himself up and removing his hand from my
chair, he answered, with proud sadness, - 'That was not my
intention.'
I just glanced towards the door, with a slight movement of the
head, and then returned to my book. He immediately withdrew. This
was better than if I had answered with more words, and in the
passionate spirit to which my first impulse would have prompted.
What a good thing it is to be able to command one's temper! I must
labour to cultivate this inestimable quality: God only knows how
often I shall need it in this rough, dark road that lies before me.
In the course of the morning I drove over to the Grove with the two
ladies, to give Milicent an opportunity for bidding farewell to her
mother and sister. They persuaded her to stay with them the rest
of the day, Mrs. Hargrave promising to bring her back in the
evening and remain till the party broke up on the morrow.
Consequently, Lady Lowborough and I had the pleasure of returning
TETE-E-TETE in the carriage together. For the first mile or two we
kept silence, I looking out of my window, and she leaning back in
her corner. But I was not going to restrict myself to any
particular position for her; when I was tired of leaning forward,
with the cold, raw wind in my face, and surveying the russet hedges
and the damp, tangled grass of their banks, I gave it up and leant
back too. With her usual impudence, my companion then made some
attempts to get up a conversation; but the monosyllables 'yes,' or
'no' or 'humph,' were the utmost her several remarks could elicit
from me. At last, on her asking my opinion upon some immaterial
point of discussion, I answered, - 'Why do you wish to talk to me,
Lady Lowborough? You must know what I think of you.'
'Well, if you will be so bitter against me,' replied she, 'I can't
help it; but I'm not going to sulk for anybody.'
Our short drive was now at an end. As soon as the carriage door
was opened, she sprang out, and went down the park to meet the
gentlemen, who were just returning from the woods. Of course I did
not follow.
But I had not done with her impudence yet: after dinner, I retired
to the drawing-room, as usual, and she accompanied me, but I had
the two children with me, and I gave them my whole attention, and
determined to keep them till the gentlemen came, or till Milicent
arrived with her mother. Little Helen, however, was soon tired of
playing, and insisted upon going to sleep; and while I sat on the
sofa with her on my knee, and Arthur seated beside me, gently
playing with her soft, flaxen hair, Lady Lowborough composedly came
and placed herself on the other side.
'To-morrow, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said she, 'you will be delivered from
my presence, which, no doubt, you will be very glad of - it is
natural you should; but do you know I have rendered you a great
service? Shall I tell you what it is?'
'I shall be glad to hear of any service you have rendered me,' said
I, determined to be calm, for I knew by the tone of her voice she
wanted to provoke me.
'Well,' resumed she, 'have you not observed the salutary change in
Mr. Huntingdon? Don't you see what a sober, temperate man he is
become? You saw with regret the sad habits he was contracting, I
know: and I know you did your utmost to deliver him from them, but
without success, until I came to your assistance. I told him in
few words that I could not bear to see him degrade himself so, and
that I should cease to - no matter what I told him, but you see the
reformation I have wrought; and you ought to thank me for it.'
I rose and rang for the nurse.
'But I desire no thanks,' she continued; 'all the return I ask is,
that you will take care of him when I am gone, and not, by
harshness and neglect, drive him back to his old courses.'
I was almost sick with passion, but Rachel was now at the door. I
pointed to the children, for I could not trust myself to speak:
she took them away, and I followed.
'Will you, Helen?' continued the speaker.
I gave her a look that blighted the malicious smile on her face, or
checked it, at least for a moment, and departed. In the ante-room
I met Mr. Hargrave. He saw I was in no humour to be spoken to, and
suffered me to pass without a word; but when, after a few minutes'
seclusion in the library, I had regained my composure, and was
returning to join Mrs. Hargrave and Milicent, whom I had just heard
come downstairs and go into the drawing-room, I found him there
still lingering in the dimly-lighted apartment, and evidently
waiting for me.
'Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he as I passed, 'will you allow me one
word?'
'What is it then? be quick, if you please.'
'I offended you this morning; and I cannot live under your
displeasure.'
'Then go, and sin no more,' replied I, turning away.
'No, no!' said he, hastily, setting himself before me. 'Pardon me,
but I must have your forgiveness. I leave you to-morrow, and I may
not have an opportunity of speaking to you again. I was wrong to
forget myself and you, as I did; but let me implore you to forget
and forgive my rash presumption, and think of me as if those words
had never been spoken; for, believe me, I regret them deeply, and
the loss of your esteem is too severe a penalty: I cannot bear
it.'
'Forgetfulness is not to be purchased with a wish; and I cannot
bestow my esteem on all who desire it, unless they deserve it too.'
'I shall think my life well spent in labouring to deserve it, if
you will but pardon this offence - will you?'
'Yes.'
'Yes! but that is coldly spoken. Give me your hand and I'll
believe you. You won't? Then, Mrs. Huntingdon, you do not forgive
me!'
'Yes; here it is, and my forgiveness with it: only, SIN NO MORE.'
He pressed my cold hand with sentimental fervour, but said nothing,
and stood aside to let me pass into the room, where all the company
were now assembled. Mr. Grimsby was seated near the door: on
seeing me enter, almost immediately followed by Hargrave, he leered
at me with a glance of intolerable significance, as I passed. I
looked him in the face, till he sullenly turned away, if not
ashamed, at least confounded for the moment. Meantime Hattersley
had seized Hargrave by the arm, and was whispering something in his
ear - some coarse joke, no doubt, for the latter neither laughed
nor spoke in answer, but, turning from him with a slight curl of
the lip, disengaged himself and went to his mother, who was telling
Lord Lowborough how many reasons she had to be proud of her son.
Thank heaven, they are all going to-morrow.
CHAPTER XXXVI
December 20th, 1824. - This is the third anniversary of our
felicitous union. It is now two months since our guests left us to
the enjoyment of each other's society; and I have had nine weeks'
experience of this new phase of conjugal life - two persons living
together, as master and mistress of the house, and father and
mother of a winsome, merry little child, with the mutual
understanding that there is no love, friendship, or sympathy
between them. As far as in me lies, I endeavour to live peaceably
with him: I treat him with unimpeachable civility, give up my
convenience to his, wherever it may reasonably be done, and consult
him in a business-like way on household affairs, deferring to his
pleasure and judgment, even when I know the latter to be inferior
to my own.
As for him, for the first week or two, he was peevish and low,
fretting, I suppose, over his dear Annabella's departure, and
particularly ill-tempered to me: everything I did was wrong; I was
cold-hearted, hard, insensate; my sour, pale face was perfectly
repulsive; my voice made him shudder; he knew not how he could live
through the winter with me; I should kill him by inches. Again I
proposed a separation, but it would not do: he was not going to be
the talk of all the old gossips in the neighbourhood: he would not
have it said that he was such a brute his wife could not live with
him. No; he must contrive to bear with me.
'I must contrive to bear with you, you mean,' said I; 'for so long
as I discharge my functions of steward and house-keeper, so
conscientiously and well, without pay and without thanks, you
cannot afford to part with me. I shall therefore remit these
duties when my bondage becomes intolerable.' This threat, I
thought, would serve to keep him in check, if anything would.
I believe he was much disappointed that I did not feel his
offensive sayings more acutely, for when he had said anything
particularly well calculated to hurt my feelings, he would stare me
searchingly in the face, and then grumble against my 'marble heart'
or my 'brutal insensibility.' If I had bitterly wept and deplored
his lost affection, he would, perhaps, have condescended to pity
me, and taken me into favour for a while, just to comfort his
solitude and console him for the absence of his beloved Annabella,
until he could meet her again, or some more fitting substitute.
Thank heaven, I am not so weak as that! I was infatuated once with
a foolish, besotted affection, that clung to him in spite of his
unworthiness, but it is fairly gone now - wholly crushed and
withered away; and he has none but himself and his vices to thank
for it.
At first (in compliance with his sweet lady's injunctions, I
suppose), he abstained wonderfully well from seeking to solace his
cares in wine; but at length he began to relax his virtuous
efforts, and now and then exceeded a little, and still continues to
do so; nay, sometimes, not a little. When he is under the exciting
influence of these excesses, he sometimes fires up and attempts to
play the brute; and then I take little pains to suppress my scorn
and disgust. When he is under the depressing influence of the
after-consequences, he bemoans his sufferings and his errors, and
charges them both upon me; he knows such indulgence injures his
health, and does him more harm than good; but he says I drive him
to it by my unnatural, unwomanly conduct; it will be the ruin of
him in the end, but it is all my fault; and then I am roused to
defend myself, sometimes with bitter recrimination. This is a kind
of injustice I cannot patiently endure. Have I not laboured long
and hard to save him from this very vice? Would I not labour still
to deliver him from it if I could? but could I do so by fawning
upon him and caressing him when I know that he scorns me? Is it my
fault that I have lost my influence with him, or that he has
forfeited every claim to my regard? And should I seek a
reconciliation with him, when I feel that I abhor him, and that he
despises me? and while he continues still to correspond with Lady
Lowborough, as I know he does? No, never, never, never! he may
drink himself dead, but it is NOT my fault!
Yet I do my part to save him still: I give him to understand that
drinking makes his eyes dull, and his face red and bloated; and
that it tends to render him imbecile in body and mind; and if
Annabella were to see him as often as I do, she would speedily be
disenchanted; and that she certainly will withdraw her favour from
him, if he continues such courses. Such a mode of admonition wins
only coarse abuse for me - and, indeed, I almost feel as if I
deserved it, for I hate to use such arguments; but they sink into
his stupefied heart, and make him pause, and ponder, and abstain,
more than anything else I could say.
At present I am enjoying a temporary relief from his presence: he
is gone with Hargrave to join a distant hunt, and will probably not
be back before to-morrow evening. How differently I used to feel
his absence!
Mr. Hargrave is still at the Grove. He and Arthur frequently meet
to pursue their rural sports together: he often calls upon us
here, and Arthur not unfrequently rides over to him. I do not
think either of these soi-disant friends is overflowing with love
for the other; but such intercourse serves to get the time on, and
I am very willing it should continue, as it saves me some hours of
discomfort in Arthur's society, and gives him some better
employment than the sottish indulgence of his sensual appetites.
The only objection I have to Mr. Hargrave's being in the
neighbourhood, is that the fear of meeting him at the Grove
prevents me from seeing his sister so often as I otherwise should;
for, of late, he has conducted himself towards me with such
unerring propriety, that I have almost forgotten his former
conduct. I suppose he is striving to 'win my esteem.' If he
continue to act in this way, he may win it; but what then? The
moment he attempts to demand anything more, he will lose it again.
February 10th. - It is a hard, embittering thing to have one's kind
feelings and good intentions cast back in one's teeth. I was
beginning to relent towards my wretched partner; to pity his
forlorn, comfortless condition, unalleviated as it is by the
consolations of intellectual resources and the answer of a good
conscience towards God; and to think I ought to sacrifice my pride,
and renew my efforts once again to make his home agreeable and lead
him back to the path of virtue; not by false professions of love,
and not by pretended remorse, but by mitigating my habitual
coldness of manner, and commuting my frigid civility into kindness
wherever an opportunity occurred; and not only was I beginning to
think so, but I had already begun to act upon the thought - and
what was the result? No answering spark of kindness, no awakening
penitence, but an unappeasable ill-humour, and a spirit of
tyrannous exaction that increased with indulgence, and a lurking
gleam of self-complacent triumph at every detection of relenting
softness in my manner, that congealed me to marble again as often
as it recurred; and this morning he finished the business:- I think
the petrifaction is so completely effected at last that nothing can
melt me again. Among his letters was one which he perused with
symptoms of unusual gratification, and then threw it across the
table to me, with the admonition, -
'There! read that, and take a lesson by it!'
It was in the free, dashing hand of Lady Lowborough. I glanced at
the first page; it seemed full of extravagant protestations of
affection; impetuous longings for a speedy reunion - and impious
defiance of God's mandates, and railings against His providence for
having cast their lot asunder, and doomed them both to the hateful
bondage of alliance with those they could not love. He gave a
slight titter on seeing me change colour. I folded up the letter,
rose, and returned it to him, with no remark, but -
'Thank you, I will take a lesson by it!'
My little Arthur was standing between his knees, delightedly
playing with the bright, ruby ring on his finger. Urged by a
sudden, imperative impulse to deliver my son from that
contaminating influence, I caught him up in my arms and carried him
with me out of the room. Not liking this abrupt removal, the child
began to pout and cry. This was a new stab to my already tortured
heart. I would not let him go; but, taking him with me into the
library, I shut the door, and, kneeling on the floor beside him, I
embraced him, kissed him, wept over with him with passionate
fondness. Rather frightened than consoled by this, he turned
struggling from me, and cried out aloud for his papa. I released
him from my arms, and never were more bitter tears than those that
now concealed him from my blinded, burning eyes. Hearing his
cries, the father came to the room. I instantly turned away, lest
he should see and misconstrue my emotion. He swore at me, and took
the now pacified child away.
It is hard that my little darling should love him more than me; and
that, when the well-being and culture of my son is all I have to
live for, I should see my influence destroyed by one whose selfish
affection is more injurious than the coldest indifference or the
harshest tyranny could be. If I, for his good, deny him some
trifling indulgence, he goes to his father, and the latter, in
spite of his selfish indolence, will even give himself some trouble
to meet the child's desires: if I attempt to curb his will, or
look gravely on him for some act of childish disobedience, he knows
his other parent will smile and take his part against me. Thus,
not only have I the father's spirit in the son to contend against,
the germs of his evil tendencies to search out and eradicate, and
his corrupting intercourse and example in after-life to counteract,
but already he counteracts my arduous labour for the child's
advantage, destroys my influence over his tender mind, and robs me
of his very love; I had no earthly hope but this, and he seems to
take a diabolical delight in tearing it away.
But it is wrong to despair; I will remember the counsel of the
inspired writer to him 'that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice
of his servant, that sitteth in darkness and hath no light; let him
trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God!'
CHAPTER XXXVII
December 20th, 1825. - Another year is past; and I am weary of this
life. And yet I cannot wish to leave it: whatever afflictions
assail me here, I cannot wish to go and leave my darling in this
dark and wicked world alone, without a friend to guide him through
its weary mazes, to warn him of its thousand snares, and guard him
from the perils that beset him on every hand. I am not well fitted
to be his only companion, I know; but there is no other to supply
my place. I am too grave to minister to his amusements and enter
into his infantile sports as a nurse or a mother ought to do, and
often his bursts of gleeful merriment trouble and alarm me; I see
in them his father's spirit and temperament, and I tremble for the
consequences; and too often damp the innocent mirth I ought to
share. That father, on the contrary, has no weight of sadness on
his mind; is troubled with no fears, no scruples concerning his
son's future welfare; and at evenings especially, the times when
the child sees him the most and the oftenest, he is always
particularly jocund and open-hearted: ready to laugh and to jest
with anything or anybody but me, and I am particularly silent and
sad: therefore, of course, the child dotes upon his seemingly
joyous amusing, ever-indulgent papa, and will at any time gladly
exchange my company for his. This disturbs me greatly; not so much
for the sake of my son's affection (though I do prize that highly,
and though I feel it is my right, and know I have done much to earn
it) as for that influence over him which, for his own advantage, I
would strive to purchase and retain, and which for very spite his
father delights to rob me of, and, from motives of mere idle
egotism, is pleased to win to himself; making no use of it but to
torment me and ruin the child. My only consolation is, that he
spends comparatively little of his time at home, and, during the
months he passes in London or elsewhere, I have a chance of
recovering the ground I had lost, and overcoming with good the evil
he has wrought by his wilful mismanagement. But then it is a
bitter trial to behold him, on his return, doing his utmost to
subvert my labours and transform my innocent, affectionate,
tractable darling into a selfish, disobedient, and mischievous boy;
thereby preparing the soil for those vices he has so successfully
cultivated in his own perverted nature.
Happily, there were none of Arthur's 'friends' invited to Grassdale
last autumn: he took himself off to visit some of them instead. I
wish he would always do so, and I wish his friends were numerous
and loving enough to keep him amongst them all the year round. Mr.
Hargrave, considerably to my annoyance, did not go with him; but I
think I have done with that gentleman at last.
For seven or eight months he behaved so remarkably well, and
managed so skilfully too, that I was almost completely off my
guard, and was really beginning to look upon him as a friend, and
even to treat him as such, with certain prudent restrictions (which
I deemed scarcely necessary); when, presuming upon my unsuspecting
kindness, he thought he might venture to overstep the bounds of
decent moderation and propriety that had so long restrained him.
It was on a pleasant evening at the close of May: I was wandering
in the park, and he, on seeing me there as he rode past, made bold
to enter and approach me, dismounting and leaving his horse at the
gate. This was the first time he had ventured to come within its
inclosure since I had been left alone, without the sanction of his
mother's or sister's company, or at least the excuse of a message
from them. But he managed to appear so calm and easy, so
respectful and self-possessed in his friendliness, that, though a
little surprised, I was neither alarmed nor offended at the unusual
liberty, and he walked with me under the ash-trees and by the
water-side, and talked, with considerable animation, good taste,
and intelligence, on many subjects, before I began to think about
getting rid of him. Then, after a pause, during which we both
stood gazing on the calm, blue water - I revolving in my mind the
best means of politely dismissing my companion, he, no doubt,
pondering other matters equally alien to the sweet sights and
sounds that alone were present to his senses, - he suddenly
electrified me by beginning, in a peculiar tone, low, soft, but
perfectly distinct, to pour forth the most unequivocal expressions
of earnest and passionate love; pleading his cause with all the
bold yet artful eloquence he could summon to his aid. But I cut
short his appeal, and repulsed him so determinately, so decidedly,
and with such a mixture of scornful indignation, tempered with
cool, dispassionate sorrow and pity for his benighted mind, that he
withdrew, astonished, mortified, and discomforted; and, a few days
after, I heard that he had departed for London. He returned,
however, in eight or nine weeks, and did not entirely keep aloof
from me, but comported himself in so remarkable a manner that his
quick-sighted sister could not fail to notice the change.
'What have you done to Walter, Mrs. Huntingdon?' said she one
morning, when I had called at the Grove, and he had just left the
room after exchanging a few words of the coldest civility. 'He has
been so extremely ceremonious and stately of late, I can't imagine
what it is all about, unless you have desperately offended him.
Tell me what it is, that I may be your mediator, and make you
friends again.'
'I have done nothing willingly to offend him,' said I. 'If he is
offended, he can best tell you himself what it is about.'
'I'll ask him,' cried the giddy girl, springing up and putting her
head out of the window: 'he's only in the garden - Walter!'
'No, no, Esther! you will seriously displease me if you do; and I
shall leave you immediately, and not come again for months -
perhaps years.'
'Did you call, Esther?' said her brother, approaching the window
from without.
'Yes; I wanted to ask you - '
'Good-morning, Esther,' said I, talking her hand and giving it a
severe squeeze.
'To ask you,' continued she, 'to get me a rose for Mrs.
Huntingdon.' He departed. 'Mrs. Huntingdon,' she exclaimed,
turning to me and still holding me fast by the hand, 'I'm quite
shocked at you - you're just as angry, and distant, and cold as he
is: and I'm determined you shall be as good friends as ever before
you go.'
'Esther, how can you be so rude!' cried Mrs. Hargrave, who was
seated gravely knitting in her easy-chair. 'Surely, you never will
learn to conduct yourself like a lady!'
'Well, mamma, you said yourself - ' But the young lady was
silenced by the uplifted finger of her mamma, accompanied with a
very stern shake of the head.
'Isn't she cross?' whispered she to me; but, before I could add my
share of reproof, Mr. Hargrave reappeared at the window with a
beautiful moss-rose in his hand.
'Here, Esther, I've brought you the rose,' said he, extending it
towards her.
'Give it her yourself, you blockhead!' cried she, recoiling with a
spring from between us.
'Mrs. Huntingdon would rather receive it from you,' replied he, in
a very serious tone, but lowering his voice that his mother might
not hear. His sister took the rose and gave it to me.
'My brother's compliments, Mrs. Huntingdon, and he hopes you and he
will come to a better understanding by-and-by. Will that do,
Walter?' added the saucy girl, turning to him and putting her arm
round his neck, as he stood leaning upon the sill of the window -
'or should I have said that you are sorry you were so touchy? or
that you hope she will pardon your offence?'
'You silly girl! you don't know what you are talking about,'
replied he gravely.
'Indeed I don't: for I'm quite in the dark!'
'Now, Esther,' interposed Mrs. Hargrave, who, if equally benighted
on the subject of our estrangement, saw at least that her daughter
was behaving very improperly, 'I must insist upon your leaving the
room!'
'Pray don't, Mrs. Hargrave, for I'm going to leave it myself,' said
I, and immediately made my adieux.
About a week after Mr. Hargrave brought his sister to see me. He
conducted himself, at first, with his usual cold, distant, halfstately,
half-melancholy, altogether injured air; but Esther made
no remark upon it this time: she had evidently been schooled into
better manners. She talked to me, and laughed and romped with
little Arthur, her loved and loving playmate. He, somewhat to my
discomfort, enticed her from the room to have a run in the hall,
and thence into the garden. I got up to stir the fire. Mr.
Hargrave asked if I felt cold, and shut the door - a very
unseasonable piece of officiousness, for I had meditated following
the noisy playfellows if they did not speedily return. He then
took the liberty of walking up to the fire himself, and asking me
if I were aware that Mr. Huntingdon was now at the seat of Lord
Lowborough, and likely to continue there some time.
'No; but it's no matter,' I answered carelessly; and if my cheek
glowed like fire, it was rather at the question than the
information it conveyed.
'You don't object to it?' he said.
'Not at all, if Lord Lowborough likes his company.'
'You have no love left for him, then?'
'Not the least.'
'I knew that - I knew you were too high-minded and pure in your own
nature to continue to regard one so utterly false and polluted with
any feelings but those of indignation and scornful abhorrence!'
'Is he not your friend?' said I, turning my eyes from the fire to
his face, with perhaps a slight touch of those feelings he assigned
to another.
'He was,' replied he, with the same calm gravity as before; 'but do
not wrong me by supposing that I could continue my friendship and
esteem to a man who could so infamously, so impiously forsake and
injure one so transcendently - well, I won't speak of it. But tell
me, do you never think of revenge?'
'Revenge! No - what good would that do? - it would make him no
better, and me no happier.'
'I don't know how to talk to you, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he,
smiling; 'you are only half a woman - your nature must be half
human, half angelic. Such goodness overawes me; I don't know what
to make of it.'
'Then, sir, I fear you must be very much worse than you should be,
if I, a mere ordinary mortal, am, by your own confession, so vastly
your superior; and since there exists so little sympathy between
us, I think we had better each look out for some more congenial
companion.' And forthwith moving to the window, I began to look
out for my little son and his gay young friend.
'No, I am the ordinary mortal, I maintain,' replied Mr. Hargrave.
'I will not allow myself to be worse than my fellows; but you,
Madam - I equally maintain there is nobody like you. But are you
happy?' he asked in a serious tone.
'As happy as some others, I suppose.'
'Are you as happy as you desire to be?'
'No one is so blest as that comes to on this side eternity.'
'One thing I know,' returned he, with a deep sad sigh; 'you are
immeasurably happier than I am.'
'I am very sorry for you, then,' I could not help replying.
'Are you, indeed? No, for if you were you would be glad to relieve
me.'
'And so I should if I could do so without injuring myself or any
other.'
'And can you suppose that I should wish you to injure yourself?
No: on the contrary, it is your own happiness I long for more than
mine. You are miserable now, Mrs. Huntingdon,' continued he,
looking me boldly in the face. 'You do not complain, but I see -
and feel - and know that you are miserable - and must remain so as
long as you keep those walls of impenetrable ice about your still
warm and palpitating heart; and I am miserable, too. Deign to
smile on me and I am happy: trust me, and you shall be happy also,
for if you are a woman I can make you so - and I will do it in
spite of yourself!' he muttered between his teeth; 'and as for
others, the question is between ourselves alone: you cannot injure
your husband, you know, and no one else has any concern in the
matter.'
'I have a son, Mr. Hargrave, and you have a mother,' said I,
retiring from the window, whither he had followed me.
'They need not know,' he began; but before anything more could be
said on either side, Esther and Arthur re-entered the room. The
former glanced at Walter's flushed, excited countenance, and then
at mine - a little flushed and excited too, I daresay, though from
far different causes. She must have thought we had been
quarrelling desperately, and was evidently perplexed and disturbed
at the circumstance; but she was too polite or too much afraid of
her brother's anger to refer to it. She seated herself on the
sofa, and putting back her bright, golden ringlets, that were
scattered in wild profusion over her face, she immediately began to
talk about the garden and her little playfellow, and continued to
chatter away in her usual strain till her brother summoned her to
depart.
'If I have spoken too warmly, forgive me,' he murmured on taking
his leave, 'or I shall never forgive myself.' Esther smiled and
glanced at me: I merely bowed, and her countenance fell. She
thought it a poor return for Walter's generous concession, and was
disappointed in her friend. Poor child, she little knows the world
she lives in!
Mr. Hargrave had not an opportunity of meeting me again in private
for several weeks after this; but when he did meet me there was
less of pride and more of touching melancholy in his manner than
before. Oh, how he annoyed me! I was obliged at last almost
entirely to remit my visits to the Grove, at the expense of deeply
offending Mrs. Hargrave and seriously afflicting poor Esther, who
really values my society for want of better, and who ought not to
suffer for the fault of her brother. But that indefatigable foe
was not yet vanquished: he seemed to be always on the watch. I
frequently saw him riding lingeringly past the premises, looking
searchingly round him as he went - or, if I did not, Rachel did.
That sharp-sighted woman soon guessed how matters stood between us,
and descrying the enemy's movements from her elevation at the
nursery-window, she would give me a quiet intimation if she saw me
preparing for a walk when she had reason to believe he was about,
or to think it likely that he would meet or overtake me in the way
I meant to traverse. I would then defer my ramble, or confine
myself for that day to the park and gardens, or, if the proposed
excursion was a matter of importance, such as a visit to the sick
or afflicted, I would take Rachel with me, and then I was never
molested.
But one mild, sunshiny day, early in November, I had ventured forth
alone to visit the village school and a few of the poor tenants,
and on my return I was alarmed at the clatter of a horse's feet
behind me, approaching at a rapid, steady trot. There was no stile
or gap at hand by which I could escape into the fields, so I walked
quietly on, saying to myself, 'It may not be he after all; and if
it is, and if he do annoy me, it shall be for the last time, I am
determined, if there be power in words and looks against cool
impudence and mawkish sentimentality so inexhaustible as his.'
The horse soon overtook me, and was reined up close beside me. It
was Mr. Hargrave. He greeted me with a smile intended to be soft
and melancholy, but his triumphant satisfaction at having caught me
at last so shone through that it was quite a failure. After
briefly answering his salutation and inquiring after the ladies at
the Grove, I turned away and walked on; but he followed and kept
his horse at my side: it was evident he intended to be my
companion all the way.
'Well! I don't much care. If you want another rebuff, take it -
and welcome,' was my inward remark. 'Now, sir, what next?'
This question, though unspoken, was not long unanswered; after a
few passing observations upon indifferent subjects, he began in
solemn tones the following appeal to my humanity:-
'It will be four years next April since I first saw you, Mrs.
Huntingdon - you may have forgotten the circumstance, but I never
can. I admired you then most deeply, but I dared not love you. In
the following autumn I saw so much of your perfections that I could
not fail to love you, though I dared not show it. For upwards of
three years I have endured a perfect martyrdom. From the anguish
of suppressed emotions, intense and fruitless longings, silent
sorrow, crushed hopes, and trampled affections, I have suffered
more than I can tell, or you imagine - and you were the cause of
it, and not altogether the innocent cause. My youth is wasting
away; my prospects are darkened; my life is a desolate blank; I
have no rest day or night: I am become a burden to myself and
others, and you might save me by a word - a glance, and will not do
it - is this right?'
'In the first place, I don't believe you,' answered I; 'in the
second, if you will be such a fool, I can't hinder it.'
'If you affect,' replied he, earnestly, 'to regard as folly the
best, the strongest, the most godlike impulses of our nature, I
don't believe you. I know you are not the heartless, icy being you
pretend to be - you had a heart once, and gave it to your husband.
When you found him utterly unworthy of the treasure, you reclaimed
it; and you will not pretend that you loved that sensual, earthlyminded
profligate so deeply, so devotedly, that you can never love
another? I know that there are feelings in your nature that have
never yet been called forth; I know, too, that in your present
neglected lonely state you are and must be miserable. You have it
in your power to raise two human beings from a state of actual
suffering to such unspeakable beatitude as only generous, noble,
self-forgetting love can give (for you can love me if you will);
you may tell me that you scorn and detest me, but, since you have
set me the example of plain speaking, I will answer that I do not
believe you. But you will not do it! you choose rather to leave us
miserable; and you coolly tell me it is the will of God that we
should remain so. You may call this religion, but I call it wild
fanaticism!'
'There is another life both for you and for me,' said I. 'If it be
the will of God that we should sow in tears now, it is only that we
may reap in joy hereafter. It is His will that we should not
injure others by the gratification of our own earthly passions; and
you have a mother, and sisters, and friends who would be seriously
injured by your disgrace; and I, too, have friends, whose peace of
mind shall never be sacrificed to my enjoyment, or yours either,
with my consent; and if I were alone in the world, I have still my
God and my religion, and I would sooner die than disgrace my
calling and break my faith with heaven to obtain a few brief years
of false and fleeting happiness - happiness sure to end in misery
even here - for myself or any other!'
'There need be no disgrace, no misery or sacrifice in any quarter,'
persisted he. 'I do not ask you to leave your home or defy the
world's opinion.' But I need not repeat all his arguments. I
refuted them to the best of my power; but that power was
provokingly small, at the moment, for I was too much flurried with
indignation - and even shame - that he should thus dare to address
me, to retain sufficient command of thought and language to enable
me adequately to contend against his powerful sophistries.
Finding, however, that he could not be silenced by reason, and even
covertly exulted in his seeming advantage, and ventured to deride
those assertions I had not the coolness to prove, I changed my
course and tried another plan.
'Do you really love me?' said I, seriously, pausing and looking him
calmly in the face.
'Do I love you!' cried he.
'Truly?' I demanded.
His countenance brightened; he thought his triumph was at hand. He
commenced a passionate protestation of the truth and fervour of his
attachment, which I cut short by another question:-
'But is it not a selfish love? Have you enough disinterested
affection to enable you to sacrifice your own pleasure to mine?'
'I would give my life to serve you.'
'I don't want your life; but have you enough real sympathy for my
afflictions to induce you to make an effort to relieve them, at the
risk of a little discomfort to yourself?'
'Try me, and see.'
'If you have, never mention this subject again. You cannot recur
to it in any way without doubling the weight of those sufferings
you so feelingly deplore. I have nothing left me but the solace of
a good conscience and a hopeful trust in heaven, and you labour
continually to rob me of these. If you persist, I must regard you
as my deadliest foe.'
'But hear me a moment - '
'No, sir! You said you would give your life to serve me; I only
ask your silence on one particular point. I have spoken plainly;
and what I say I mean. If you torment me in this way any more, I
must conclude that your protestations are entirely false, and that
you hate me in your heart as fervently as you profess to love me!'
He bit his lip, and bent his eyes upon the ground in silence for a
while.
'Then I must leave you,' said he at length, looking steadily upon
me, as if with the last hope of detecting some token of
irrepressible anguish or dismay awakened by those solemn words. 'I
must leave you. I cannot live here, and be for ever silent on the
all-absorbing subject of my thoughts and wishes.'
'Formerly, I believe, you spent but little of your time at home,' I
answered; 'it will do you no harm to absent yourself again, for a
while - if that be really necessary.'
'If that be really possible,' he muttered; 'and can you bid me go
so coolly? Do you really wish it?'
'Most certainly I do. If you cannot see me without tormenting me
as you have lately done, I would gladly say farewell and never see
you more.'
He made no answer, but, bending from his horse, held out his hand
towards me. I looked up at his face, and saw therein such a look
of genuine agony of soul, that, whether bitter disappointment, or
wounded pride, or lingering love, or burning wrath were uppermost,
I could not hesitate to put my hand in his as frankly as if I bade
a friend farewell. He grasped it very hard, and immediately put
spurs to his horse and galloped away. Very soon after, I learned
that he was gone to Paris, where he still is; and the longer he
stays there the better for me.
I thank God for this deliverance!
CHAPTER XXXVIII
December 20th, 1826. - The fifth anniversary of my wedding-day,
and, I trust, the last I shall spend under this roof. My
resolution is formed, my plan concocted, and already partly put in
execution. My conscience does not blame me, but while the purpose
ripens let me beguile a few of these long winter evenings in
stating the case for my own satisfaction: a dreary amusement
enough, but having the air of a useful occupation, and being
pursued as a task, it will suit me better than a lighter one.
In September, quiet Grassdale was again alive with a party of
ladies and gentlemen (so called), consisting of the same
individuals as those invited the year before last, with the
addition of two or three others, among whom were Mrs. Hargrave and
her younger daughter. The gentlemen and Lady Lowborough were
invited for the pleasure and convenience of the host; the other
ladies, I suppose, for the sake of appearances, and to keep me in
check, and make me discreet and civil in my demeanour. But the
ladies stayed only three weeks; the gentlemen, with two exceptions,
above two months: for their hospitable entertainer was loth to
part with them and be left alone with his bright intellect, his
stainless conscience, and his loved and loving wife.
On the day of Lady Lowborough's arrival, I followed her into her
chamber, and plainly told her that, if I found reason to believe
that she still continued her criminal connection with Mr.
Huntingdon, I should think it my absolute duty to inform her
husband of the circumstance - or awaken his suspicions at least -
however painful it might be, or however dreadful the consequences.
She was startled at first by the declaration, so unexpected, and so
determinately yet calmly delivered; but rallying in a moment, she
coolly replied that, if I saw anything at all reprehensible or
suspicious in her conduct, she would freely give me leave to tell
his lordship all about it. Willing to be satisfied with this, I
left her; and certainly I saw nothing thenceforth particularly
reprehensible or suspicious in her demeanour towards her host; but
then I had the other guests to attend to, and I did not watch them
narrowly - for, to confess the truth, I feared to see anything
between them. I no longer regarded it as any concern of mine, and
if it was my duty to enlighten Lord Lowborough, it was a painful
duty, and I dreaded to be called to perform it.
But my fears were brought to an end in a manner I had not
anticipated. One evening, about a fortnight after the visitors'
arrival, I had retired into the library to snatch a few minutes'
respite from forced cheerfulness and wearisome discourse, for after
so long a period of seclusion, dreary indeed as I had often found
it, I could not always bear to be doing violence to my feelings,
and goading my powers to talk, and smile and listen, and play the
attentive hostess, or even the cheerful friend: I had just
ensconced myself within the bow of the window, and was looking out
upon the west, where the darkening hills rose sharply defined
against the clear amber light of evening, that gradually blended
and faded away into the pure, pale blue of the upper sky, where one
bright star was shining through, as if to promise - 'When that
dying light is gone, the world will not be left in darkness, and
they who trust in God, whose minds are unbeclouded by the mists of
unbelief and sin, are never wholly comfortless,' - when I heard a
hurried step approaching, and Lord Lowborough entered. This room
was still his favourite resort. He flung the door to with unusual
violence, and cast his hat aside regardless where it fell. What
could be the matter with him? His face was ghastly pale; his eyes
were fixed upon the ground; his teeth clenched: his forehead
glistened with the dews of agony. It was plain he knew his wrongs
at last!
Unconscious of my presence, he began to pace the room in a state of
fearful agitation, violently wringing his hands and uttering low
groans or incoherent ejaculations. I made a movement to let him
know that he was not alone; but he was too preoccupied to notice
it. Perhaps, while his back was towards me, I might cross the room
and slip away unobserved. I rose to make the attempt, but then he
perceived me. He started and stood still a moment; then wiped his
streaming forehead, and, advancing towards me, with a kind of
unnatural composure, said in a deep, almost sepulchral tone, -
'Mrs. Huntingdon, I must leave you to-morrow.'
'To-morrow!' I repeated. 'I do not ask the cause.'
'You know it then, and you can be so calm!' said he, surveying me
with profound astonishment, not unmingled with a kind of resentful
bitterness, as it appeared to me.
'I have so long been aware of - ' I paused in time, and added, 'of
my husband's character, that nothing shocks me.'
'But this - how long have you been aware of this?' demanded he,
laying his clenched hand on the table beside him, and looking me
keenly and fixedly in the face.
I felt like a criminal.
'Not long,' I answered.
'You knew it!' cried he, with bitter vehemence - 'and you did not
tell me! You helped to deceive me!'
'My lord, I did not help to deceive you.'
'Then why did you not tell me?'
'Because I knew it would be painful to you. I hoped she would
return to her duty, and then there would be no need to harrow your
feelings with such - '
'O God! how long has this been going on? How long has it been,
Mrs. Huntingdon? - Tell me - I must know!' exclaimed, with intense
and fearful eagerness.
'Two years, I believe.'
'Great heaven! and she has duped me all this time!' He turned away
with a suppressed groan of agony, and paced the room again in a
paroxysm of renewed agitation. My heart smote me; but I would try
to console him, though I knew not how to attempt it.
'She is a wicked woman,' I said. 'She has basely deceived and
betrayed you. She is as little worthy of your regret as she was of
your affection. Let her injure you no further; abstract yourself
from her, and stand alone.'
'And you, Madam,' said he sternly, arresting himself, and turning
round upon me, 'you have injured me too by this ungenerous
concealment!'
There was a sudden revulsion in my feelings. Something rose within
me, and urged me to resent this harsh return for my heartfelt
sympathy, and defend myself with answering severity. Happily, I
did not yield to the impulse. I saw his anguish as, suddenly
smiting his forehead, he turned abruptly to the window, and,
looking upward at the placid sky, murmured passionately, 'O God,
that I might die!' - and felt that to add one drop of bitterness to
that already overflowing cup would be ungenerous indeed. And yet I
fear there was more coldness than gentleness in the quiet tone of
my reply:- 'I might offer many excuses that some would admit to be
valid, but I will not attempt to enumerate them - '
'I know them,' said he hastily: 'you would say that it was no
business of yours: that I ought to have taken care of myself; that
if my own blindness has led me into this pit of hell, I have no
right to blame another for giving me credit for a larger amount of
sagacity than I possessed - '
'I confess I was wrong,' continued I, without regarding this bitter
interruption; 'but whether want of courage or mistaken kindness was
the cause of my error, I think you blame me too severely. I told
Lady Lowborough two weeks ago, the very hour she came, that I
should certainly think it my duty to inform you if she continued to
deceive you: she gave me full liberty to do so if I should see
anything reprehensible or suspicious in her conduct; I have seen
nothing; and I trusted she had altered her course.'
He continued gazing from the window while I spoke, and did not
answer, but, stung by the recollections my words awakened, stamped
his foot upon the floor, ground his teeth, and corrugated his brow,
like one under the influence of acute physical pain.
'It was wrong, it was wrong!' he muttered at length. 'Nothing can
excuse it; nothing can atone for it, - for nothing can recall those
years of cursed credulity; nothing obliterate them! - nothing,
nothing!' he repeated in a whisper, whose despairing bitterness
precluded all resentment.
'When I put the case to myself, I own it was wrong,' I answered;
'but I can only now regret that I did not see it in this light
before, and that, as you say, nothing can recall the past.'
Something in my voice or in the spirit of this answer seemed to
alter his mood. Turning towards me, and attentively surveying my
face by the dim light, he said, in a milder tone than he had yet
employed, - 'You, too, have suffered, I suppose.'
'I suffered much, at first.'
'When was that?'
'Two years ago; and two years hence you will be as calm as I am
now, and far, far happier, I trust, for you are a man, and free to
act as you please.'
Something like a smile, but a very bitter one, crossed his face for
a moment.
'You have not been happy, lately?' he said, with a kind of effort
to regain composure, and a determination to waive the further
discussion of his own calamity.
'Happy?' I repeated, almost provoked at such a question. 'Could I
be so, with such a husband?'
'I have noticed a change in your appearance since the first years
of your marriage,' pursued he: 'I observed it to - to that
infernal demon,' he muttered between his teeth; 'and he said it was
your own sour temper that was eating away your bloom: it was
making you old and ugly before your time, and had already made his
fireside as comfortless as a convent cell. You smile, Mrs.
Huntingdon; nothing moves you. I wish my nature were as calm as
yours.'
'My nature was not originally calm,' said I. 'I have learned to
appear so by dint of hard lessons and many repeated efforts.'
At this juncture Mr. Hattersley burst into the room.
'Hallo, Lowborough!' he began - 'Oh! I beg your pardon,' he
exclaimed on seeing me. 'I didn't know it was A TETE-E-TETE.
Cheer up, man,' he continued, giving Lord Lowborough a thump on the
back, which caused the latter to recoil from him with looks of
ineffable disgust and irritation. 'Come, I want to speak with you
a bit.'
'Speak, then.'
'But I'm not sure it would be quite agreeable to the lady what I
have to say.'
'Then it would not be agreeable to me,' said his lordship, turning
to leave the room.
'Yes, it would,' cried the other, following him into the hall. 'If
you've the heart of a man, it would be the very ticket for you.
It's just this, my lad,' he continued, rather lowering his voice,
but not enough to prevent me from hearing every word he said,
though the half-closed door stood between us. 'I think you're an
ill-used man - nay, now, don't flare up; I don't want to offend
you: it's only my rough way of talking. I must speak right out,
you know, or else not at all; and I'm come - stop now! let me
explain - I'm come to offer you my services, for though Huntingdon
is my friend, he's a devilish scamp, as we all know, and I'll be
your friend for the nonce. I know what it is you want, to make
matters straight: it's just to exchange a shot with him, and then
you'll feel yourself all right again; and if an accident happens -
why, that'll be all right too, I daresay, to a desperate fellow
like you. Come now, give me your hand, and don't look so black
upon it. Name time and place, and I'll manage the rest.'
'That,' answered the more low, deliberate voice of Lord Lowborough,
'is just the remedy my own heart, or the devil within it, suggested
- to meet him, and not to part without blood. Whether I or he
should fall, or both, it would be an inexpressible relief to me, if
- '
'Just so! Well then, - '
'No!' exclaimed his lordship, with deep, determined emphasis.
'Though I hate him from my heart, and should rejoice at any
calamity that could befall him, I'll leave him to God; and though I
abhor my own life, I'll leave that, too, to Him that gave it.'
'But you see, in this case,' pleaded Hattersley -
'I'll not hear you!' exclaimed his companion, hastily turning away.
'Not another word! I've enough to do against the fiend within me.'
'Then you're a white-livered fool, and I wash my hands of you,'
grumbled the tempter, as he swung himself round and departed.
'Right, right, Lord Lowborough,' cried I, darting out and clasping
his burning hand, as he was moving away to the stairs. 'I begin to
think the world is not worthy of you!' Not understanding this
sudden ebullition, he turned upon me with a stare of gloomy,
bewildered amazement, that made me ashamed of the impulse to which
I had yielded; but soon a more humanised expression dawned upon his
countenance, and before I could withdraw my hand, he pressed it
kindly, while a gleam of genuine feeling flashed from his eyes as
he murmured, 'God help us both!'
'Amen!' responded I; and we parted.
I returned to the drawing-room, where, doubtless, my presence would
be expected by most, desired by one or two. In the ante-room was
Mr. Hattersley, railing against Lord Lowborough's poltroonery
before a select audience, viz. Mr. Huntingdon, who was lounging
against the table, exulting in his own treacherous villainy, and
laughing his victim to scorn, and Mr. Grimsby, standing by, quietly
rubbing his hands and chuckling with fiendish satisfaction.
In the drawing-room I found Lady Lowborough, evidently in no very
enviable state of mind, and struggling hard to conceal her
discomposure by an overstrained affectation of unusual cheerfulness
and vivacity, very uncalled-for under the circumstances, for she
had herself given the company to understand that her husband had
received unpleasant intelligence from home, which necessitated his
immediate departure, and that he had suffered it so to bother his
mind that it had brought on a bilious headache, owing to which, and
the preparations he judged necessary to hasten his departure, she
believed they would not have the pleasure of seeing him to-night.
However, she asserted, it was only a business concern, and so she
did not intend it should trouble her. She was just saying this as
I entered, and she darted upon me such a glance of hardihood and
defiance as at once astonished and revolted me.
'But I am troubled,' continued she, 'and vexed too, for I think it
my duty to accompany his lordship, and of course I am very sorry to
part with all my kind friends so unexpectedly and so soon.'
'And yet, Annabella,' said Esther, who was sitting beside her, 'I
never saw you in better spirits in my life.'
'Precisely so, my love: because I wish to make the best of your
society, since it appears this is to be the last night I am to
enjoy it till heaven knows when; and I wish to leave a good
impression on you all,' - she glanced round, and seeing her aunt's
eye fixed upon her, rather too scrutinizingly, as she probably
thought, she started up and continued: 'To which end I'll give you
a song - shall I, aunt? shall I, Mrs. Huntingdon? shall I ladies
and gentlemen all? Very well. I'll do my best to amuse you.'
She and Lord Lowborough occupied the apartments next to mine. I
know not how she passed the night, but I lay awake the greater part
of it listening to his heavy step pacing monotonously up and down
his dressing-room, which was nearest my chamber. Once I heard him
pause and throw something out of the window with a passionate
ejaculation; and in the morning, after they were gone, a keenbladed
clasp-knife was found on the grass-plot below; a razor,
likewise, was snapped in two and thrust deep into the cinders of
the grate, but partially corroded by the decaying embers. So
strong had been the temptation to end his miserable life, so
determined his resolution to resist it.
My heart bled for him as I lay listening to that ceaseless tread.
Hitherto I had thought too much of myself, too little of him: now
I forgot my own afflictions, and thought only of his; of the ardent
affection so miserably wasted, the fond faith so cruelly betrayed,
the - no, I will not attempt to enumerate his wrongs - but I hated
his wife and my husband more intensely than ever, and not for my
sake, but for his.
They departed early in the morning, before any one else was down,
except myself, and just as I was leaving my room Lord Lowborough
was descending to take his place in the carriage, where his lady
was already ensconced; and Arthur (or Mr. Huntingdon, as I prefer
calling him, for the other is my child's name) had the gratuitous
insolence to come out in his dressing-gown to bid his 'friend'
good-by.
'What, going already, Lowborough!' said he. 'Well, good-morning.'
He smilingly offered his hand.
I think the other would have knocked him down, had he not
instinctively started back before that bony fist quivering with
rage and clenched till the knuckles gleamed white and glistening
through the skin. Looking upon him with a countenance livid with
furious hate, Lord Lowborough muttered between his closed teeth a
deadly execration he would not have uttered had he been calm enough
to choose his words, and departed.
'I call that an unchristian spirit now,' said the villain. 'But
I'd never give up an old friend for the sake of a wife. You may
have mine if you like, and I call that handsome; I can do no more
than offer restitution, can I?'
But Lowborough had gained the bottom of the stairs, and was now
crossing the hall; and Mr. Huntingdon, leaning over the banisters,
called out, 'Give my love to Annabella! and I wish you both a happy
journey,' and withdrew, laughing, to his chamber.
He subsequently expressed himself rather glad she was gone. 'She
was so deuced imperious and exacting,' said he. 'Now I shall be my
own man again, and feel rather more at my ease.'
CHAPTER XXXIX
My greatest source of uneasiness, in this time of trial, was my
son, whom his father and his father's friends delighted to
encourage in all the embryo vices a little child can show, and to
instruct in all the evil habits he could acquire - in a word, to
'make a man of him' was one of their staple amusements; and I need
say no more to justify my alarm on his account, and my
determination to deliver him at any hazard from the hands of such
instructors. I first attempted to keep him always with me, or in
the nursery, and gave Rachel particular injunctions never to let
him come down to dessert as long as these 'gentlemen' stayed; but
it was no use: these orders were immediately countermanded and
overruled by his father; he was not going to have the little fellow
moped to death between an old nurse and a cursed fool of a mother.
So the little fellow came down every evening in spite of his cross
mamma, and learned to tipple wine like papa, to swear like Mr.
Hattersley, and to have his own way like a man, and sent mamma to
the devil when she tried to prevent him. To see such things done
with the roguish naivete of that pretty little child, and hear such
things spoken by that small infantile voice, was as peculiarly
piquant and irresistibly droll to them as it was inexpressibly
distressing and painful to me; and when he had set the table in a
roar he would look round delightedly upon them all, and add his
shrill laugh to theirs. But if that beaming blue eye rested on me,
its light would vanish for a moment, and he would say, in some
concern, 'Mamma, why don't you laugh? Make her laugh, papa - she
never will.'
Hence was I obliged to stay among these human brutes, watching an
opportunity to get my child away from them instead of leaving them
immediately after the removal of the cloth, as I should always
otherwise have done. He was never willing to go, and I frequently
had to carry him away by force, for which he thought me very cruel
and unjust; and sometimes his father would insist upon my letting
him remain; and then I would leave him to his kind friends, and
retire to indulge my bitterness and despair alone, or to rack my
brains for a remedy to this great evil.
But here again I must do Mr. Hargrave the justice to acknowledge
that I never saw him laugh at the child's misdemeanours, nor heard
him utter a word of encouragement to his aspirations after manly
accomplishments. But when anything very extraordinary was said or
done by the infant profligate, I noticed, at times, a peculiar
expression in his face that I could neither interpret nor define:
a slight twitching about the muscles of the mouth; a sudden flash
in the eye, as he darted a sudden glance at the child and then at
me: and then I could fancy there arose a gleam of hard, keen,
sombre satisfaction in his countenance at the look of impotent
wrath and anguish he was too certain to behold in mine. But on one
occasion, when Arthur had been behaving particularly ill, and Mr.
Huntingdon and his guests had been particularly provoking and
insulting to me in their encouragement of him, and I particularly
anxious to get him out of the room, and on the very point of
demeaning myself by a burst of uncontrollable passion - Mr.
Hargrave suddenly rose from his seat with an aspect of stern
determination, lifted the child from his father's knee, where he
was sitting half-tipsy, cocking his head and laughing at me, and
execrating me with words he little knew the meaning of, handed him
out of the room, and, setting him down in the hall, held the door
open for me, gravely bowed as I withdrew, and closed it after me.
I heard high words exchanged between him and his already halfinebriated
host as I departed, leading away my bewildered and
disconcerted boy.
But this should not continue: my child must not be abandoned to
this corruption: better far that he should live in poverty and
obscurity, with a fugitive mother, that in luxury and affluence
with such a father. These guests might not be with us long, but
they would return again: and he, the most injurious of the whole,
his child's worst enemy, would still remain. I could endure it for
myself, but for my son it must be borne no longer: the world's
opinion and the feelings of my friends must be alike unheeded here,
at least - alike unable to deter me from my duty. But where should
I find an asylum, and how obtain subsistence for us both? Oh, I
would take my precious charge at early dawn, take the coach to M-,
flee to the port of -, cross the Atlantic, and seek a quiet, humble
home in New England, where I would support myself and him by the
labour of my hands. The palette and the easel, my darling
playmates once, must be my sober toil-fellows now. But was I
sufficiently skilful as an artist to obtain my livelihood in a
strange land, without friends and without recommendation? No; I
must wait a little; I must labour hard to improve my talent, and to
produce something worth while as a specimen of my powers, something
to speak favourably for me, whether as an actual painter or a
teacher. Brilliant success, of course, I did not look for, but
some degree of security from positive failure was indispensable: I
must not take my son to starve. And then I must have money for the
journey, the passage, and some little to support us in our retreat
in case I should be unsuccessful at first: and not too little
either: for who could tell how long I might have to struggle with
the indifference or neglect of others, or my own inexperience or
inability to suit their tastes?
What should I do then? Apply to my brother and explain my
circumstances and my resolves to him? No, no: even if I told him
all my grievances, which I should be very reluctant to do, he would
be certain to disapprove of the step: it would seem like madness
to him, as it would to my uncle and aunt, or to Milicent. No; I
must have patience and gather a hoard of my own. Rachel should be
my only confidante - I thought I could persuade her into the
scheme; and she should help me, first, to find out a picture-dealer
in some distant town; then, through her means, I would privately
sell what pictures I had on hand that would do for such a purpose,
and some of those I should thereafter paint. Besides this, I would
contrive to dispose of my jewels, not the family jewels, but the
few I brought with me from home, and those my uncle gave me on my
marriage. A few months' arduous toil might well be borne by me
with such an end in view; and in the interim my son could not be
much more injured than he was already.
Having formed this resolution, I immediately set to work to
accomplish it, I might possibly have been induced to wax cool upon
it afterwards, or perhaps to keep weighing the pros and cons in my
mind till the latter overbalanced the former, and I was driven to
relinquish the project altogether, or delay the execution of it to
an indefinite period, had not something occurred to confirm me in
that determination, to which I still adhere, which I still think I
did well to form, and shall do better to execute.
Since Lord Lowborough's departure I had regarded the library as
entirely my own, a secure retreat at all hours of the day. None of
our gentlemen had the smallest pretensions to a literary taste,
except Mr. Hargrave; and he, at present, was quite contented with
the newspapers and periodicals of the day. And if, by any chance,
he should look in here, I felt assured he would soon depart on
seeing me, for, instead of becoming less cool and distant towards
me, he had become decidedly more so since the departure of his
mother and sisters, which was just what I wished. Here, then, I
set up my easel, and here I worked at my canvas from daylight till
dusk, with very little intermission, saving when pure necessity, or
my duties to little Arthur, called me away: for I still thought
proper to devote some portion of every day exclusively to his
instruction and amusement. But, contrary to my expectation, on the
third morning, while I was thus employed, Mr. Hargrave did look in,
and did not immediately withdraw on seeing me. He apologized for
his intrusion, and said he was only come for a book; but when he
had got it, he condescended to cast a glance over my picture.
Being a man of taste, he had something to say on this subject as
well as another, and having modestly commented on it, without much
encouragement from me, he proceeded to expatiate on the art in
general. Receiving no encouragement in that either, he dropped it,
but did not depart.
'You don't give us much of your company, Mrs. Huntingdon,' observed
he, after a brief pause, during which I went on coolly mixing and
tempering my colours; 'and I cannot wonder at it, for you must be
heartily sick of us all. I myself am so thoroughly ashamed of my
companions, and so weary of their irrational conversation and
pursuits - now that there is no one to humanize them and keep them
in check, since you have justly abandoned us to our own devices -
that I think I shall presently withdraw from amongst them, probably
within this week; and I cannot suppose you will regret my
departure.'
He paused. I did not answer.
'Probably,' he added, with a smile, 'your only regret on the
subject will be that I do not take all my companions along with me.
I flatter myself, at times, that though among them I am not of
them; but it is natural that you should be glad to get rid of me.
I may regret this, but I cannot blame you for it.'
'I shall not rejoice at your departure, for you can conduct
yourself like a gentleman,' said I, thinking it but right to make
some acknowledgment for his good behaviour; 'but I must confess I
shall rejoice to bid adieu. to the rest, inhospitable as it may
appear.'
'No one can blame you for such an avowal,' replied he gravely:
'not even the gentlemen themselves, I imagine. I'll just tell
you,' he continued, as if actuated by a sudden resolution, 'what
was said last night in the dining-room, after you left us: perhaps
you will not mind it, as you're so very philosophical on certain
points,' he added with a slight sneer. 'They were talking about
Lord Lowborough and his delectable lady, the cause of whose sudden
departure is no secret amongst them; and her character is so well
known to them all, that, nearly related to me as she is, I could
not attempt to defend it. Curse me!' he muttered, par parenthese,
'if I don't have vengeance for this! If the villain must disgrace
the family, must he blazon it abroad to every low-bred knave of his
acquaintance? I beg your pardon, Mrs. Huntingdon. Well, they were
talking of these things, and some of them remarked that, as she was
separated from her husband, he might see her again when he
pleased.'
'"Thank you," said he; "I've had enough of her for the present:
I'll not trouble to see her, unless she comes to me."
'"Then what do you mean to do, Huntingdon, when we're gone?" said
Ralph Hattersley. "Do you mean to turn from the error of your
ways, and be a good husband, a good father, and so forth; as I do,
when I get shut of you and all these rollicking devils you call
your friends? I think it's time; and your wife is fifty times too
good for you, you know - "
'And he added some praise of you, which you would not thank me for
repeating, nor him for uttering; proclaiming it aloud, as he did,
without delicacy or discrimination, in an audience where it seemed
profanation to utter your name: himself utterly incapable of
understanding or appreciating your real excellences. Huntingdon,
meanwhile, sat quietly drinking his wine, - or looking smilingly
into his glass and offering no interruption or reply, till
Hattersley shouted out, - "Do you hear me, man?"
'"Yes, go on," said he.
'"Nay, I've done," replied the other: "I only want to know if you
intend to take my advice."
'"What advice?"
'"To turn over a new leaf, you double-dyed scoundrel," shouted
Ralph, "and beg your wife's pardon, and be a good boy for the
future."
'"My wife! what wife? I have no wife," replied Huntingdon, looking
innocently up from his glass, "or if I have, look you, gentlemen:
I value her so highly that any one among you, that can fancy her,
may have her and welcome: you may, by Jove, and my blessing into
the bargain!"
'I - hem - someone asked if he really meant what he said; upon
which he solemnly swore he did, and no mistake. What do you think
of that, Mrs. Huntingdon?' asked Mr. Hargrave, after a short pause,
during which I had felt he was keenly examining my half-averted
face.
'I say,' replied I, calmly, 'that what he prizes so lightly will
not be long in his possession.'
'You cannot mean that you will break your heart and die for the
detestable conduct of an infamous villain like that!'
'By no means: my heart is too thoroughly dried to be broken in a
hurry, and I mean to live as long as I can.'
'Will you leave him then?'
'Yes.'
'When: and how?' asked he, eagerly.
'When I am ready, and how I can manage it most effectually.'
'But your child?'
'My child goes with me.'
'He will not allow it.'
'I shall not ask him.'
'Ah, then, it is a secret flight you meditate! but with whom, Mrs.
Huntingdon?'
'With my son: and possibly, his nurse.'
'Alone - and unprotected! But where can you go? what can you do?
He will follow you and bring you back.'
'I have laid my plans too well for that. Let me once get clear of
Grassdale, and I shall consider myself safe.'
Mr. Hargrave advanced one step towards me, looked me in the face,
and drew in his breath to speak; but that look, that heightened
colour, that sudden sparkle of the eye, made my blood rise in
wrath: I abruptly turned away, and, snatching up my brush, began
to dash away at my canvas with rather too much energy for the good
of the picture.
'Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he with bitter solemnity, 'you are cruel -
cruel to me - cruel to yourself.'
'Mr. Hargrave, remember your promise.'
'I must speak: my heart will burst if I don't! I have been silent
long enough, and you must hear me!' cried he, boldly intercepting
my retreat to the door. 'You tell me you owe no allegiance to your
husband; he openly declares himself weary of you, and calmly gives
you up to anybody that will take you; you are about to leave him;
no one will believe that you go alone; all the world will say, "She
has left him at last, and who can wonder at it? Few can blame her,
fewer still can pity him; but who is the companion of her flight?"
Thus you will have no credit for your virtue (if you call it such):
even your best friends will not believe in it; because it is
monstrous, and not to be credited but by those who suffer, from the
effects of it, such cruel torments that they know it to be indeed
reality. But what can you do in the cold, rough world alone? you,
a young and inexperienced woman, delicately nurtured, and utterly -
'
'In a word, you would advise me to stay where I am,' interrupted I.
'Well, I'll see about it.'
'By all means, leave him!' cried he earnestly; 'but NOT alone!
Helen! let me protect you!'
'Never! while heaven spares my reason,' replied I, snatching away
the hand he had presumed to seize and press between his own. But
he was in for it now; he had fairly broken the barrier: he was
completely roused, and determined to hazard all for victory.
'I must not be denied!' exclaimed he, vehemently; and seizing both
my hands, he held them very tight, but dropped upon his knee, and
looked up in my face with a half-imploring, half-imperious gaze.
'You have no reason now: you are flying in the face of heaven's
decrees. God has designed me to be your comfort and protector - I
feel it, I know it as certainly as if a voice from heaven declared,
"Ye twain shall be one flesh" - and you spurn me from you - '
'Let me go, Mr. Hargrave!' said I, sternly. But he only tightened
his grasp.
'Let me go!' I repeated, quivering with indignation.
His face was almost opposite the window as he knelt. With a slight
start, I saw him glance towards it; and then a gleam of malicious
triumph lit up his countenance. Looking over my shoulder, I beheld
a shadow just retiring round the corner.
'That is Grimsby,' said he deliberately. 'He will report what he
has seen to Huntingdon and all the rest, with such embellishments
as he thinks proper. He has no love for you, Mrs. Huntingdon - no
reverence for your sex, no belief in virtue, no admiration for its
image. He will give such a version of this story as will leave no
doubt at all about your character, in the minds of those who hear
it. Your fair fame is gone; and nothing that I or you can say can
ever retrieve it. But give me the power to protect you, and show
me the villain that dares to insult!'
'No one has ever dared to insult me as you are doing now!' said I,
at length releasing my hands, and recoiling from him.
'I do not insult you,' cried he: 'I worship you. You are my
angel, my divinity! I lay my powers at your feet, and you must and
shall accept them!' he exclaimed, impetuously starting to his feet.
'I will be your consoler and defender! and if your conscience
upbraid you for it, say I overcame you, and you could not choose
but yield!'
I never saw a man go terribly excited. He precipitated himself
towards me. I snatched up my palette-knife and held it against
him. This startled him: he stood and gazed at me in astonishment;
I daresay I looked as fierce and resolute as he. I moved to the
bell, and put my hand upon the cord. This tamed him still more.
With a half-authoritative, half-deprecating wave of the hand, he
sought to deter me from ringing.
'Stand off, then!' said I; he stepped back. 'And listen to me. I
don't like you,' I continued, as deliberately and emphatically as I
could, to give the greater efficacy to my words; 'and if I were
divorced from my husband, or if he were dead, I would not marry
you. There now! I hope you're satisfied.'
His face grew blanched with anger.
'I am satisfied,' he replied, with bitter emphasis, 'that you are
the most cold-hearted, unnatural, ungrateful woman I ever yet
beheld!'
'Ungrateful, sir?'
'Ungrateful.'
'No, Mr. Hargrave, I am not. For all the good you ever did me, or
ever wished to do, I most sincerely thank you: for all the evil
you have done me, and all you would have done, I pray God to pardon
you, and make you of a better mind.' Here the door was thrown
open, and Messrs. Huntingdon and Hattersley appeared without. The
latter remained in the hall, busy with his ramrod and his gun; the
former walked in, and stood with his back to the fire, surveying
Mr. Hargrave and me, particularly the former, with a smile of
insupportable meaning, accompanied as it was by the impudence of
his brazen brow, and the sly, malicious, twinkle of his eye.
'Well, sir?' said Hargrave, interrogatively, and with the air of
one prepared to stand on the defensive.
'Well, sir,' returned his host.
'We want to know if you are at liberty to join us in a go at the
pheasants, Walter,' interposed Hattersley from without. 'Come!
there shall be nothing shot besides, except a puss or two; I'll
vouch for that.'
Walter did not answer, but walked to the window to collect his
faculties. Arthur uttered a low whistle, and followed him with his
eyes. A slight flush of anger rose to Hargrave's cheek; but in a
moment he turned calmly round, and said carelessly:
'I came here to bid farewell to Mrs. Huntingdon, and tell her I
must go to-morrow.'
'Humph! You're mighty sudden in your resolution. What takes you
off so soon, may I ask?'
'Business,' returned he, repelling the other's incredulous sneer
with a glance of scornful defiance.
'Very good,' was the reply; and Hargrave walked away. Thereupon
Mr. Huntingdon, gathering his coat-laps under his arms, and setting
his shoulder against the mantel-piece, turned to me, and,
addressing me in a low voice, scarcely above his breath, poured
forth a volley of the vilest and grossest abuse it was possible for
the imagination to conceive or the tongue to utter. I did not
attempt to interrupt him; but my spirit kindled within me, and when
he had done, I replied, 'If your accusation were true, Mr.
Huntingdon, how dare you blame me?'
'She's hit it, by Jove!' cried Hattersley, rearing his gun against
the wall; and, stepping into the room, he took his precious friend
by the arm, and attempted to drag him away. 'Come, my lad,' he
muttered; 'true or false, you've no right to blame her, you know,
nor him either; after what you said last night. So come along.'
There was something implied here that I could not endure.
'Dare you suspect me, Mr. Hattersley?' said I, almost beside myself
with fury.
'Nay, nay, I suspect nobody. It's all right, it's all right. So
come along, Huntingdon, you blackguard.'
'She can't deny it!' cried the gentleman thus addressed, grinning
in mingled rage and triumph. 'She can't deny it if her life
depended on it!' and muttering some more abusive language, he
walked into the hall, and took up his hat and gun from the table.
'I scorn to justify myself to you!' said I. 'But you,' turning to
Hattersley, 'if you presume to have any doubts on the subject, ask
Mr. Hargrave.'
At this they simultaneously burst into a rude laugh that made my
whole frame tingle to the fingers' ends.
'Where is he? I'll ask him myself!' said I, advancing towards
them.
Suppressing a new burst of merriment, Hattersley pointed to the
outer door. It was half open. His brother-in-law was standing on
the front without.
'Mr. Hargrave, will you please to step this way?' said I.
He turned and looked at me in grave surprise.
'Step this way, if you please!' I repeated, in so determined a
manner that he could not, or did not choose to resist its
authority. Somewhat reluctantly he ascended the steps and advanced
a pace or two into the hall.
'And tell those gentlemen,' I continued - 'these men, whether or
not I yielded to your solicitations.'
'I don't understand you, Mrs. Huntingdon.'
'You do understand me, sir; and I charge you, upon your honour as a
gentleman (if you have any), to answer truly. Did I, or did I
not?'
'No,' muttered he, turning away.
'Speak up, sir; they can't hear you. Did I grant your request?
'You did not.'
'No, I'll be sworn she didn't,' said Hattersley, 'or he'd never
look so black.'
'I'm willing to grant you the satisfaction of a gentleman,
Huntingdon,' said Mr. Hargrave, calmly addressing his host, but
with a bitter sneer upon his countenance.
'Go to the deuce!' replied the latter, with an impatient jerk of
the head. Hargrave withdrew with a look of cold disdain, saying, -
'You know where to find me, should you feel disposed to send a
friend.'
Muttered oaths and curses were all the answer this intimation
obtained.
'Now, Huntingdon, you see!' said Hattersley. 'Clear as the day.'
'I don't care what he sees,' said I, 'or what he imagines; but you,
Mr. Hattersley, when you hear my name belied and slandered, will
you defend it?'
'I will.'
I instantly departed and shut myself into the library. What could
possess me to make such a request of such a man I cannot tell; but
drowning men catch at straws: they had driven me desperate between
them; I hardly knew what I said. There was no other to preserve my
name from being blackened and aspersed among this nest of boon
companions, and through them, perhaps, into the world; and beside
my abandoned wretch of a husband, the base, malignant Grimsby, and
the false villain Hargrave, this boorish ruffian, coarse and brutal
as he was, shone like a glow-worm in the dark, among its fellow
worms.
What a scene was this! Could I ever have imagined that I should be
doomed to bear such insults under my own roof - to hear such things
spoken in my presence; nay, spoken to me and of me; and by those
who arrogated to themselves the name of gentlemen? And could I
have imagined that I should have been able to endure it as calmly,
and to repel their insults as firmly and as boldly as I had done?
A hardness such as this is taught by rough experience and despair
alone.
Such thoughts as these chased one another through my mind, as I
paced to and fro the room, and longed - oh, how I longed - to take
my child and leave them now, without an hour's delay! But it could
not be; there was work before me: hard work, that must be done.
'Then let me do it,' said I, 'and lose not a moment in vain
repinings and idle chafings against my fate, and those who
influence it.'
And conquering my agitation with a powerful effort, I immediately
resumed my task, and laboured hard all day.
Mr. Hargrave did depart on the morrow; and I have never seen him
since. The others stayed on for two or three weeks longer; but I
kept aloof from them as much as possible, and still continued my
labour, and have continued it, with almost unabated ardour, to the
present day. I soon acquainted Rachel with my design, confiding
all my motives and intentions to her ear, and, much to my agreeable
surprise, found little difficulty in persuading her to enter into
my views. She is a sober, cautious woman, but she so hates her
master, and so loves her mistress and her nursling, that after
several ejaculations, a few faint objections, and many tears and
lamentations that I should be brought to such a pass, she applauded
my resolution and consented to aid me with all her might: on one
condition only: that she might share my exile: otherwise, she was
utterly inexorable, regarding it as perfect madness for me and
Arthur to go alone. With touching generosity, she modestly offered
to aid me with her little hoard of savings, hoping I would 'excuse
her for the liberty, but really, if I would do her the favour to
accept it as a loan, she would be very happy.' Of course I could
not think of such a thing; but now, thank heaven, I have gathered a
little hoard of my own, and my preparations are so far advanced
that I am looking forward to a speedy emancipation. Only let the
stormy severity of this winter weather be somewhat abated, and
then, some morning, Mr. Huntingdon will come down to a solitary
breakfast-table, and perhaps be clamouring through the house for
his invisible wife and child, when they are some fifty miles on
their way to the Western world, or it may be more: for we shall
leave him hours before the dawn, and it is not probable he will
discover the loss of both until the day is far advanced.
I am fully alive to the evils that may and must result upon the
step I am about to take; but I never waver in my resolution,
because I never forget my son. It was only this morning, while I
pursued my usual employment, he was sitting at my feet, quietly
playing with the shreds of canvas I had thrown upon the carpet; but
his mind was otherwise occupied, for, in a while, he looked up
wistfully in my face, and gravely asked, - 'Mamma, why are you
wicked?'
'Who told you I was wicked, love?'
'Rachel.'
'No, Arthur, Rachel never said so, I am certain.'
'Well, then, it was papa,' replied he, thoughtfully. Then, after a
reflective pause, he added, 'At least, I'll tell you how it was I
got to know: when I'm with papa, if I say mamma wants me, or mamma
says I'm not to do something that he tells me to do, he always
says, "Mamma be damned," and Rachel says it's only wicked people
that are damned. So, mamma, that's why I think you must be wicked:
and I wish you wouldn't.'
'My dear child, I am not. Those are bad words, and wicked people
often say them of others better than themselves. Those words
cannot make people be damned, nor show that they deserve it. God
will judge us by our own thoughts and deeds, not by what others say
about us. And when you hear such words spoken, Arthur, remember
never to repeat them: it is wicked to say such things of others,
not to have them said against you.'
'Then it's papa that's wicked,' said he, ruefully.
'Papa is wrong to say such things, and you will be very wrong to
imitate him now that you know better.'
'What is imitate?'
'To do as he does.'
'Does he know better?'
'Perhaps he does; but that is nothing to you.'
'If he doesn't, you ought to tell him, mamma.'
'I have told him.'
The little moralist paused and pondered. I tried in vain to divert
his mind from the subject.
'I'm sorry papa's wicked,' said he mournfully, at length, 'for I
don't want him to go to hell.' And so saying he burst into tears.
I consoled him with the hope that perhaps his papa would alter and
become good before he died -; but is it not time to deliver him
from such a parent?
CHAPTER XL
January 10th, 1827. - While writing the above, yesterday evening, I
sat in the drawing-room. Mr. Huntingdon was present, but, as I
thought, asleep on the sofa behind me. He had risen, however,
unknown to me, and, actuated by some base spirit of curiosity, been
looking over my shoulder for I know not how long; for when I had
laid aside my pen, and was about to close the book, he suddenly
placed his hand upon it, and saying, - 'With your leave, my dear,
I'll have a look at this,' forcibly wrested it from me, and,
drawing a chair to the table, composedly sat down to examine it:
turning back leaf after leaf to find an explanation of what he had
read. Unluckily for me, he was more sober that night than he
usually is at such an hour.
Of course I did not leave him to pursue this occupation in quiet:
I made several attempts to snatch the book from his hands, but he
held it too firmly for that; I upbraided him in bitterness and
scorn for his mean and dishonourable conduct, but that had no
effect upon him; and, finally, I extinguished both the candles, but
he only wheeled round to the fire, and raising a blaze sufficient
for his purposes, calmly continued the investigation. I had
serious thoughts of getting a pitcher of water and extinguishing
that light too; but it was evident his curiosity was too keenly
excited to be quenched by that, and the more I manifested my
anxiety to baffle his scrutiny, the greater would be his
determination to persist in it besides it was too late.
'It seems very interesting, love,' said he, lifting his head and
turning to where I stood, wringing my hands in silent rage and
anguish; 'but it's rather long; I'll look at it some other time;
and meanwhile I'll trouble you for your keys, my dear.'
'What keys?'
'The keys of your cabinet, desk, drawers, and whatever else you
possess,' said he, rising and holding out his hand.
'I've not got them,' I replied. The key of my desk, in fact, was
at that moment in the lock, and the others were attached to it.
'Then you must send for them,' said he; 'and if that old devil,
Rachel, doesn't immediately deliver them up, she tramps bag and
baggage tomorrow.'
'She doesn't know where they are,' I answered, quietly placing my
hand upon them, and taking them from the desk, as I thought,
unobserved. 'I know, but I shall not give them up without a
reason.'
'And I know, too,' said he, suddenly seizing my closed hand and
rudely abstracting them from it. He then took up one of the
candles and relighted it by thrusting it into the fire.
'Now, then,' sneered he, 'we must have a confiscation of property.
But, first, let us take a peep into the studio.'
And putting the keys into his pocket, he walked into the library.
I followed, whether with the dim idea of preventing mischief, or
only to know the worst, I can hardly tell. My painting materials
were laid together on the corner table, ready for to-morrow's use,
and only covered with a cloth. He soon spied them out, and putting
down the candle, deliberately proceeded to cast them into the fire:
palette, paints, bladders, pencils, brushes, varnish: I saw them
all consumed: the palette-knives snapped in two, the oil and
turpentine sent hissing and roaring up the chimney. He then rang
the bell.
'Benson, take those things away,' said he, pointing to the easel,
canvas, and stretcher; 'and tell the housemaid she may kindle the
fire with them: your mistress won't want them any more.'
Benson paused aghast and looked at me.
'Take them away, Benson,' said I; and his master muttered an oath.
'And this and all, sir?' said the astonished servant, referring to
the half-finished picture.
'That and all,' replied the master; and the things were cleared
away.
Mr. Huntingdon then went up-stairs. I did not attempt to follow
him, but remained seated in the arm-chair, speechless, tearless,
and almost motionless, till he returned about half-an-hour after,
and walking up to me, held the candle in my face and peered into my
eyes with looks and laughter too insulting to be borne. With a
sudden stroke of my hand I dashed the candle to the floor.
'Hal-lo!' muttered he, starting back; 'she's the very devil for
spite. Did ever any mortal see such eyes? - they shine in the dark
like a cat's. Oh, you're a sweet one!' So saying, he gathered up
the candle and the candlestick. The former being broken as well as
extinguished, he rang for another.
'Benson, your mistress has broken the candle; bring another.'
'You expose yourself finely,' observed I, as the man departed.
'I didn't say I'd broken it, did I?' returned he. He then threw my
keys into my lap, saying, - 'There! you'll find nothing gone but
your money, and the jewels, and a few little trifles I thought it
advisable to take into my own possession, lest your mercantile
spirit should be tempted to turn them into gold. I've left you a
few sovereigns in your purse, which I expect to last you through
the month; at all events, when you want more you will be so good as
to give me an account of how that's spent. I shall put you upon a
small monthly allowance, in future, for your own private expenses;
and you needn't trouble yourself any more about my concerns; I
shall look out for a steward, my dear - I won't expose you to the
temptation. And as for the household matters, Mrs. Greaves must be
very particular in keeping her accounts; we must go upon an
entirely new plan - '
'What great discovery have you made now, Mr. Huntingdon? Have I
attempted to defraud you?'
'Not in money matters, exactly, it seems; but it's best to keep out
of the way of temptation.'
Here Benson entered with the candles, and there followed a brief
interval of silence; I sitting still in my chair, and he standing
with his back to the fire, silently triumphing in my despair.
'And so,' said he at length, 'you thought to disgrace me, did you,
by running away and turning artist, and supporting yourself by the
labour of your hands, forsooth? And you thought to rob me of my
son, too, and bring him up to be a dirty Yankee tradesman, or a
low, beggarly painter?'
'Yes, to obviate his becoming such a gentleman as his father.'
'It's well you couldn't keep your own secret - ha, ha! It's well
these women must be blabbing. If they haven't a friend to talk to,
they must whisper their secrets to the fishes, or write them on the
sand, or something; and it's well, too, I wasn't over full tonight,
now I think of it, or I might have snoozed away and never
dreamt of looking what my sweet lady was about; or I might have
lacked the sense or the power to carry my point like a man, as I
have done.'
Leaving him to his self-congratulations, I rose to secure my
manuscript, for I now remembered it had been left upon the drawingroom
table, and I determined, if possible, to save myself the
humiliation of seeing it in his hands again. I could not bear the
idea of his amusing himself over my secret thoughts and
recollections; though, to be sure, he would find little good of
himself therein indited, except in the former part; and oh, I would
sooner burn it all than he should read what I had written when I
was such a fool as to love him!
'And by-the-by,' cried he, as I was leaving the room, 'you'd better
tell that d-d old sneak of a nurse to keep out of my way for a day
or two; I'd pay her her wages and send her packing to-morrow, but I
know she'd do more mischief out of the house than in it.'
And as I departed, he went on cursing and abusing my faithful
friend and servant with epithets I will not defile this paper with
repeating. I went to her as soon as I had put away my book, and
told her how our project was defeated. She was as much distressed
and horrified as I was - and more so than I was that night, for I
was partly stunned by the blow, and partly excited and supported
against it by the bitterness of my wrath. But in the morning, when
I woke without that cheering hope that had been my secret comfort
and support so long, and all this day, when I have wandered about
restless and objectless, shunning my husband, shrinking even from
my child, knowing that I am unfit to be his teacher or companion,
hoping nothing for his future life, and fervently wishing he had
never been born, - I felt the full extent of my calamity, and I
feel it now. I know that day after day such feelings will return
upon me. I am a slave - a prisoner - but that is nothing; if it
were myself alone I would not complain, but I am forbidden to
rescue my son from ruin, and what was once my only consolation is
become the crowning source of my despair.
Have I no faith in God? I try to look to Him and raise my heart to
heaven, but it will cleave to the dust. I can only say, 'He hath
hedged me about, that I cannot get out: He hath made my chain
heavy. He hath filled me with bitterness - He hath made me drunken
with wormwood.' I forget to add, 'But though He cause grief, yet
will He have compassion according to the multitude of His mercies.
For He doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.'
I ought to think of this; and if there be nothing but sorrow for me
in this world, what is the longest life of misery to a whole
eternity of peace? And for my little Arthur - has he no friend but
me? Who was it said, 'It is not the will of your Father which is
in heaven that one of these little ones should perish?'
CHAPTER XLI
March 20th. - Having now got rid of Mr. Huntingdon for a season, my
spirits begin to revive. He left me early in February; and the
moment he was gone, I breathed again, and felt my vital energy
return; not with the hope of escape - he has taken care to leave me
no visible chance of that - but with a determination to make the
best of existing circumstances. Here was Arthur left to me at
last; and rousing from my despondent apathy, I exerted all my
powers to eradicate the weeds that had been fostered in his infant
mind, and sow again the good seed they had rendered unproductive.
Thank heaven, it is not a barren or a stony soil; if weeds spring
fast there, so do better plants. His apprehensions are more quick,
his heart more overflowing with affection than ever his father's
could have been, and it is no hopeless task to bend him to
obedience and win him to love and know his own true friend, as long
as there is no one to counteract my efforts.
I had much trouble at first in breaking him of those evil habits
his father had taught him to acquire, but already that difficulty
is nearly vanquished now: bad language seldom defiles his mouth,
and I have succeeded in giving him an absolute disgust for all
intoxicating liquors, which I hope not even his father or his
father's friends will be able to overcome. He was inordinately
fond of them for so young a creature, and, remembering my
unfortunate father as well as his, I dreaded the consequences of
such a taste. But if I had stinted him, in his usual quantity of
wine, or forbidden him to taste it altogether, that would only have
increased his partiality for it, and made him regard it as a
greater treat than ever. I therefore gave him quite as much as his
father was accustomed to allow him; as much, indeed, as he desired
to have - but into every glass I surreptitiously introduced a small
quantity of tartar-emetic, just enough to produce inevitable nausea
and depression without positive sickness. Finding such
disagreeable consequences invariably to result from this
indulgence, he soon grew weary of it, but the more he shrank from
the daily treat the more I pressed it upon him, till his reluctance
was strengthened to perfect abhorrence. When he was thoroughly
disgusted with every kind of wine, I allowed him, at his own
request, to try brandy-and-water, and then gin-and-water, for the
little toper was familiar with them all, and I was determined that
all should be equally hateful to him. This I have now effected;
and since he declares that the taste, the smell, the sight of any
one of them is sufficient to make him sick, I have given up teasing
him about them, except now and then as objects of terror in cases
of misbehaviour. 'Arthur, if you're not a good boy I shall give
you a glass of wine,' or 'Now, Arthur, if you say that again you
shall have some brandy-and-water,' is as good as any other threat;
and once or twice, when he was sick, I have obliged the poor child
to swallow a little wine-and-water without the tartar-emetic, by
way of medicine; and this practice I intend to continue for some
time to come; not that I think it of any real service in a physical
sense, but because I am determined to enlist all the powers of
association in my service; I wish this aversion to be so deeply
grounded in his nature that nothing in after-life may be able to
overcome it.
Thus, I flatter myself, I shall secure him from this one vice; and
for the rest, if on his father's return I find reason to apprehend
that my good lessons will be all destroyed - if Mr. Huntingdon
commence again the game of teaching the child to hate and despise
his mother, and emulate his father's wickedness - I will yet
deliver my son from his hands. I have devised another scheme that
might be resorted to in such a case; and if I could but obtain my
brother's consent and assistance, I should not doubt of its
success. The old hall where he and I were born, and where our
mother died, is not now inhabited, nor yet quite sunk into decay,
as I believe. Now, if I could persuade him to have one or two
rooms made habitable, and to let them to me as a stranger, I might
live there, with my child, under an assumed name, and still support
myself by my favourite art. He should lend me the money to begin
with, and I would pay him back, and live in lowly independence and
strict seclusion, for the house stands in a lonely place, and the
neighbourhood is thinly inhabited, and he himself should negotiate
the sale of my pictures for me. I have arranged the whole plan in
my head: and all I want is to persuade Frederick to be of the same
mind as myself. He is coming to see me soon, and then I will make
the proposal to him, having first enlightened him upon my
circumstances sufficiently to excuse the project.
Already, I believe, he knows much more of my situation than I have
told him. I can tell this by the air of tender sadness pervading
his letters; and by the fact of his so seldom mentioning my
husband, and generally evincing a kind of covert bitterness when he
does refer to him; as well as by the circumstance of his never
coming to see me when Mr. Huntingdon is at home. But he has never
openly expressed any disapprobation of him or sympathy for me; he
has never asked any questions, or said anything to invite my
confidence. Had he done so, I should probably have had but few
concealments from him. Perhaps he feels hurt at my reserve. He is
a strange being; I wish we knew each other better. He used to
spend a month at Staningley every year, before I was married; but,
since our father's death, I have only seen him once, when he came
for a few days while Mr. Huntingdon was away. He shall stay many
days this time, and there shall be more candour and cordiality
between us than ever there was before, since our early childhood.
My heart clings to him more than ever; and my soul is sick of
solitude.
April 16th. - He is come and gone. He would not stay above a
fortnight. The time passed quickly, but very, very happily, and it
has done me good. I must have a bad disposition, for my
misfortunes have soured and embittered me exceedingly: I was
beginning insensibly to cherish very unamiable feelings against my
fellow-mortals, the male part of them especially; but it is a
comfort to see there is at least one among them worthy to be
trusted and esteemed; and doubtless there are more, though I have
never known them, unless I except poor Lord Lowborough, and he was
bad enough in his day. But what would Frederick have been, if he
had lived in the world, and mingled from his childhood with such
men as these of my acquaintance? and what will Arthur be, with all
his natural sweetness of disposition, if I do not save him from
that world and those companions? I mentioned my fears to
Frederick, and introduced the subject of my plan of rescue on the
evening after his arrival, when I presented my little son to his
uncle.
'He is like you, Frederick,' said I, 'in some of his moods: I
sometimes think he resembles you more than his father; and I am
glad of it.'
'You flatter me, Helen,' replied he, stroking the child's soft,
wavy locks.
'No, you will think it no compliment when I tell you I would rather
have him to resemble Benson than his father.'
He slightly elevated his eyebrows, but said nothing.
'Do you know what sort of man Mr. Huntingdon is?' said I.
'I think I have an idea.'
'Have you so clear an idea that you can hear, without surprise or
disapproval, that I meditate escaping with that child to some
secret asylum, where we can live in peace, and never see him
again?'
'Is it really so?'
'If you have not,' continued I, 'I'll tell you something more about
him'; and I gave a sketch of his general conduct, and a more
particular account of his behaviour with regard to his child, and
explained my apprehensions on the latter's account, and my
determination to deliver him from his father's influence.
Frederick was exceedingly indignant against Mr. Huntingdon, and
very much grieved for me; but still he looked upon my project as
wild and impracticable. He deemed my fears for Arthur
disproportioned to the circumstances, and opposed so many
objections to my plan, and devised so many milder methods for
ameliorating my condition, that I was obliged to enter into further
details to convince him that my husband was utterly incorrigible,
and that nothing could persuade him to give up his son, whatever
became of me, he being as fully determined the child should not
leave him, as I was not to leave the child; and that, in fact,
nothing would answer but this, unless I fled the country, as I had
intended before. To obviate that, he at length consented to have
one wing of the old hall put into a habitable condition, as a place
of refuge against a time of need; but hoped I would not take
advantage of it unless circumstances should render it really
necessary, which I was ready enough to promise: for though, for my
own sake, such a hermitage appears like paradise itself, compared
with my present situation, yet for my friends' sakes, for Milicent
and Esther, my sisters in heart and affection, for the poor tenants
of Grassdale, and, above all, for my aunt, I will stay if I
possibly can.
July 29th. - Mrs. Hargrave and her daughter are come back from
London. Esther is full of her first season in town; but she is
still heart-whole and unengaged. Her mother sought out an
excellent match for her, and even brought the gentleman to lay his
heart and fortune at her feet; but Esther had the audacity to
refuse the noble gifts. He was a man of good family and large
possessions, but the naughty girl maintained he was old as Adam,
ugly as sin, and hateful as - one who shall be nameless.
'But, indeed, I had a hard time of it,' said she: 'mamma was very
greatly disappointed at the failure of her darling project, and
very, very angry at my obstinate resistance to her will, and is so
still; but I can't help it. And Walter, too, is so seriously
displeased at my perversity and absurd caprice, as he calls it,
that I fear he will never forgive me - I did not think he could be
so unkind as he has lately shown himself. But Milicent begged me
not to yield, and I'm sure, Mrs. Huntingdon, if you had seen the
man they wanted to palm upon me, you would have advised me not to
take him too.'
'I should have done so whether I had seen him or not,' said I; 'it
is enough that you dislike him.'
'I knew you would say so; though mamma affirmed you would be quite
shocked at my undutiful conduct. You can't imagine how she
lectures me: I am disobedient and ungrateful; I am thwarting her
wishes, wronging my brother, and making myself a burden on her
hands. I sometimes fear she'll overcome me after all. I have a
strong will, but so has she, and when she says such bitter things,
it provokes me to such a pass that I feel inclined to do as she
bids me, and then break my heart and say, "There, mamma, it's all
your fault!"'
'Pray don't!' said I. 'Obedience from such a motive would be
positive wickedness, and certain to bring the punishment it
deserves. Stand firm, and your mamma will soon relinquish her
persecution; and the gentleman himself will cease to pester you
with his addresses if he finds them steadily rejected.'
'Oh, no! mamma will weary all about her before she tires herself
with her exertions; and as for Mr. Oldfield, she has given him to
understand that I have refused his offer, not from any dislike of
his person, but merely because I am giddy and young, and cannot at
present reconcile myself to the thoughts of marriage under any
circumstances: but by next season, she has no doubt, I shall have
more sense, and hopes my girlish fancies will be worn away. So she
has brought me home, to school me into a proper sense of my duty,
against the time comes round again. Indeed, I believe she will not
put herself to the expense of taking me up to London again, unless
I surrender: she cannot afford to take me to town for pleasure and
nonsense, she says, and it is not every rich gentleman that will
consent to take me without a fortune, whatever exalted ideas I may
have of my own attractions.'
'Well, Esther, I pity you; but still, I repeat, stand firm. You
might as well sell yourself to slavery at once, as marry a man you
dislike. If your mother and brother are unkind to you, you may
leave them, but remember you are bound to your husband for life.'
'But I cannot leave them unless I get married, and I cannot get
married if nobody sees me. I saw one or two gentlemen in London
that I might have liked, but they were younger sons, and mamma
would not let me get to know them - one especially, who I believe
rather liked me - but she threw every possible obstacle in the way
of our better acquaintance. Wasn't it provoking?'
'I have no doubt you would feel it so, but it is possible that if
you married him, you might have more reason to regret it hereafter
than if you married Mr. Oldfield. When I tell you not to marry
without love, I do not advise you to marry for love alone: there
are many, many other things to be considered. Keep both heart and
hand in your own possession, till you see good reason to part with
them; and if such an occasion should never present itself, comfort
your mind with this reflection, that though in single life your
joys may not be very many, your sorrows, at least, will not be more
than you can bear. Marriage may change your circumstances for the
better, but, in my private opinion, it is far more likely to
produce a contrary result.'
'So thinks Milicent; but allow me to say I think otherwise. If I
thought myself doomed to old-maidenhood, I should cease to value my
life. The thoughts of living on, year after year, at the Grove - a
hanger-on upon mamma and Walter, a mere cumberer of the ground (now
that I know in what light they would regard it), is perfectly
intolerable; I would rather run away with the butler.'
'Your circumstances are peculiar, I allow; but have patience, love;
do nothing rashly. Remember you are not yet nineteen, and many
years are yet to pass before any one can set you down as an old
maid: you cannot tell what Providence may have in store for you.
And meantime, remember you have a right to the protection and
support of your mother and brother, however they may seem to grudge
it.'
'You are so grave, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said Esther, after a pause.
'When Milicent uttered the same discouraging sentiments concerning
marriage, I asked if she was happy: she said she was; but I only
half believed her; and now I must put the same question to you.'
'It is a very impertinent question,' laughed I, 'from a young girl
to a married woman so many years her senior, and I shall not answer
it.'
'Pardon me, dear madam,' said she, laughingly throwing herself into
my arms, and kissing me with playful affection; but I felt a tear
on my neck, as she dropped her head on my bosom and continued, with
an odd mixture of sadness and levity, timidity and audacity, - 'I
know you are not so happy as I mean to be, for you spend half your
life alone at Grassdale, while Mr. Huntingdon goes about enjoying
himself where and how he pleases. I shall expect my husband to
have no pleasures but what he shares with me; and if his greatest
pleasure of all is not the enjoyment of my company, why, it will be
the worse for him, that's all.'
'If such are your expectations of matrimony, Esther, you must,
indeed, be careful whom you marry - or rather, you must avoid it
altogether.'
CHAPTER XLII
September 1st. - No Mr. Huntingdon yet. Perhaps he will stay among
his friends till Christmas; and then, next spring, he will be off
again. If he continue this plan, I shall be able to stay at
Grassdale well enough - that is, I shall be able to stay, and that
is enough; even an occasional bevy of friends at the shooting
season may be borne, if Arthur get so firmly attached to me, so
well established in good sense and principles before they come that
I shall be able, by reason and affection, to keep him pure from
their contaminations. Vain hope, I fear! but still, till such a
time of trial comes I will forbear to think of my quiet asylum in
the beloved old hall.
Mr. and Mrs. Hattersley have been staying at the Grove a fortnight:
and as Mr. Hargrave is still absent, and the weather was remarkably
fine, I never passed a day without seeing my two friends, Milicent
and Esther, either there or here. On one occasion, when Mr.
Hattersley had driven them over to Grassdale in the phaeton, with
little Helen and Ralph, and we were all enjoying ourselves in the
garden - I had a few minutes' conversation with that gentleman,
while the ladies were amusing themselves with the children.
'Do you want to hear anything of your husband, Mrs. Huntingdon?'
said he.
'No, unless you can tell me when to expect him home.'
'I can't. - You don't want him, do you?' said he, with a broad
grin.
'No.'
'Well, I think you're better without him, sure enough - for my
part, I'm downright weary of him. I told him I'd leave him if he
didn't mend his manners, and he wouldn't; so I left him. You see,
I'm a better man than you think me; and, what's more, I have
serious thoughts of washing my hands of him entirely, and the whole
set of 'em, and comporting myself from this day forward with all
decency and sobriety, as a Christian and the father of a family
should do. What do you think of that?'
'It is a resolution you ought to have formed long ago.'
'Well, I'm not thirty yet; it isn't too late, is it?'
'No; it is never too late to reform, as long as you have the sense
to desire it, and the strength to execute your purpose.'
'Well, to tell you the truth, I've thought of it often and often
before; but he's such devilish good company, is Huntingdon, after
all. You can't imagine what a jovial good fellow he is when he's
not fairly drunk, only just primed or half-seas-over. We all have
a bit of a liking for him at the bottom of our hearts, though we
can't respect him.'
'But should you wish yourself to be like him?'
'No, I'd rather be like myself, bad as I am.'
'You can't continue as bad as you are without getting worse and
more brutalised every day, and therefore more like him.'
I could not help smiling at the comical, half-angry, halfconfounded
look he put on at this rather unusual mode of address.
'Never mind my plain speaking,' said I; 'it is from the best of
motives. But tell me, should you wish your sons to be like Mr.
Huntingdon - or even like yourself?'
'Hang it! no.'
'Should you wish your daughter to despise you - or, at least, to
feel no vestige of respect for you, and no affection but what is
mingled with the bitterest regret?'
'Oh, no! I couldn't stand that.'
'And, finally, should you wish your wife to be ready to sink into
the earth when she hears you mentioned; and to loathe the very
sound of your voice, and shudder at your approach?'
'She never will; she likes me all the same, whatever I do.'
'Impossible, Mr. Hattersley! you mistake her quiet submission for
affection.'
'Fire and fury - '
'Now don't burst into a tempest at that. I don't mean to say she
does not love you - she does, I know, a great deal better than you
deserve; but I am quite sure, that if you behave better, she will
love you more, and if you behave worse, she will love you less and
less, till all is lost in fear, aversion, and bitterness of soul,
if not in secret hatred and contempt. But, dropping the subject of
affection, should you wish to be the tyrant of her life - to take
away all the sunshine from her existence, and make her thoroughly
miserable?'
'Of course not; and I don't, and I'm not going to.'
'You have done more towards it than you suppose.'
'Pooh, pooh! she's not the susceptible, anxious, worriting creature
you imagine: she's a little meek, peaceable, affectionate body;
apt to be rather sulky at times, but quiet and cool in the main,
and ready to take things as they come.'
'Think of what she was five years ago, when you married her, and
what she is now.'
'I know she was a little plump lassie then, with a pretty pink and
white face: now she's a poor little bit of a creature, fading and
melting away like a snow-wreath. But hang it! - that's not my
fault.'
'What is the cause of it then? Not years, for she's only five-andtwenty.'
'It's her own delicate health, and confound it, madam! what would
you make of me? - and the children, to be sure, that worry her to
death between them.'
'No, Mr. Hattersley, the children give her more pleasure than pain:
they are fine, well-dispositioned children - '
'I know they are - bless them!'
'Then why lay the blame on them? - I'll tell you what it is: it's
silent fretting and constant anxiety on your account, mingled, I
suspect, with something of bodily fear on her own. When you behave
well, she can only rejoice with trembling; she has no security, no
confidence in your judgment or principles; but is continually
dreading the close of such short-lived felicity; when you behave
ill, her causes of terror and misery are more than any one can tell
but herself. In patient endurance of evil, she forgets it is our
duty to admonish our neighbours of their transgressions. Since you
will mistake her silence for indifference, come with me, and I'll
show you one or two of her letters - no breach of confidence, I
hope, since you are her other half.'
He followed me into the library. I sought out and put into his
hands two of Milicent's letters: one dated from London, and
written during one of his wildest seasons of reckless dissipation;
the other in the country, during a lucid interval. The former was
full of trouble and anguish; not accusing him, but deeply
regretting his connection with his profligate companions, abusing
Mr. Grimsby and others, insinuating bitter things against Mr.
Huntingdon, and most ingeniously throwing the blame of her
husband's misconduct on to other men's shoulders. The latter was
full of hope and joy, yet with a trembling consciousness that this
happiness would not last; praising his goodness to the skies, but
with an evident, though but half-expressed wish, that it were based
on a surer foundation than the natural impulses of the heart, and a
half-prophetic dread of the fall of that house so founded on the
sand, - which fall had shortly after taken place, as Hattersley
must have been conscious while he read.
Almost at the commencement of the first letter I had the unexpected
pleasure of seeing him blush; but he immediately turned his back to
me, and finished the perusal at the window. At the second, I saw
him, once or twice, raise his hand, and hurriedly pass it across
his face. Could it be to dash away a tear? When he had done,
there was an interval spent in clearing his throat and staring out
of the window, and then, after whistling a few bars of a favourite
air, he turned round, gave me back the letters, and silently shook
me by the hand.
'I've been a cursed rascal, God knows,' said he, as he gave it a
hearty squeeze, 'but you see if I don't make amends for it - d-n me
if I don't!'
'Don't curse yourself, Mr. Hattersley; if God had heard half your
invocations of that kind, you would have been in hell long before
now - and you cannot make amends for the past by doing your duty
for the future, inasmuch as your duty is only what you owe to your
Maker, and you cannot do more than fulfil it: another must make
amends for your past delinquencies. If you intend to reform,
invoke God's blessing, His mercy, and His aid; not His curse.'
'God help me, then - for I'm sure I need it. Where's Milicent?'
'She's there, just coming in with her sister.'
He stepped out at the glass door, and went to meet them. I
followed at a little distance. Somewhat to his wife's
astonishment, he lifted her off from the ground, and saluted her
with a hearty kiss and a strong embrace; then placing his two hands
on her shoulders, he gave her, I suppose, a sketch of the great
things he meant to do, for she suddenly threw her arms round him,
and burst into tears, exclaiming, - 'Do, do, Ralph - we shall be so
happy! How very, very good you are!'
'Nay, not I,' said he, turning her round, and pushing her towards
me. 'Thank her; it's her doing.'
Milicent flew to thank me, overflowing with gratitude. I
disclaimed all title to it, telling her her husband was predisposed
to amendment before I added my mite of exhortation and
encouragement, and that I had only done what she might, and ought
to have done herself.
'Oh, no!' cried she; 'I couldn't have influenced him, I'm sure, by
anything that I could have said. I should only have bothered him
by my clumsy efforts at persuasion, if I had made the attempt.'
'You never tried me, Milly,' said he.
Shortly after they took their leave. They are now gone on a visit
to Hattersley's father. After that they will repair to their
country home. I hope his good resolutions will not fall through,
and poor Milicent will not be again disappointed. Her last letter
was full of present bliss, and pleasing anticipations for the
future; but no particular temptation has yet occurred to put his
virtue to the test. Henceforth, however, she will doubtless be
somewhat less timid and reserved, and he more kind and thoughtful.
- Surely, then, her hopes are not unfounded; and I have one bright
spot, at least, whereon to rest my thoughts.
CHAPTER XLIII
October 10th. - Mr. Huntingdon returned about three weeks ago. His
appearance, his demeanour and conversation, and my feelings with
regard to him, I shall not trouble myself to describe. The day
after his arrival, however, he surprised me by the announcement of
an intention to procure a governess for little Arthur: I told him
it was quite unnecessary, not to say ridiculous, at the present
season: I thought I was fully competent to the task of teaching
him myself - for some years to come, at least: the child's
education was the only pleasure and business of my life; and since
he had deprived me of every other occupation, he might surely leave
me that.
He said I was not fit to teach children, or to be with them: I had
already reduced the boy to little better than an automaton; I had
broken his fine spirit with my rigid severity; and I should freeze
all the sunshine out of his heart, and make him as gloomy an
ascetic as myself, if I had the handling of him much longer. And
poor Rachel, too, came in for her share of abuse, as usual; he
cannot endure Rachel, because he knows she has a proper
appreciation of him.
I calmly defended our several qualifications as nurse and
governess, and still resisted the proposed addition to our family;
but he cut me short by saying it was no use bothering about the
matter, for he had engaged a governess already, and she was coming
next week; so that all I had to do was to get things ready for her
reception. This was a rather startling piece of intelligence. I
ventured to inquire her name and address, by whom she had been
recommended, or how he had been led to make choice of her.
'She is a very estimable, pious young person,' said he; 'you
needn't be afraid. Her name is Myers, I believe; and she was
recommended to me by a respectable old dowager: a lady of high
repute in the religious world. I have not seen her myself, and
therefore cannot give you a particular account of her person and
conversation, and so forth; but, if the old lady's eulogies are
correct, you will find her to possess all desirable qualifications
for her position: an inordinate love of children among the rest.'
All this was gravely and quietly spoken, but there was a laughing
demon in his half-averted eye that boded no good, I imagined.
However, I thought of my asylum in -shire, and made no further
objections.
When Miss Myers arrived, I was not prepared to give her a very
cordial reception. Her appearance was not particularly calculated
to produce a favourable impression at first sight, nor did her
manners and subsequent conduct, in any degree, remove the prejudice
I had already conceived against her. Her attainments were limited,
her intellect noways above mediocrity. She had a fine voice, and
could sing like a nightingale, and accompany herself sufficiently
well on the piano; but these were her only accomplishments. There
was a look of guile and subtlety in her face, a sound of it in her
voice. She seemed afraid of me, and would start if I suddenly
approached her. In her behaviour she was respectful and
complaisant, even to servility: she attempted to flatter and fawn
upon me at first, but I soon checked that. Her fondness for her
little pupil was overstrained, and I was obliged to remonstrate
with her on the subject of over-indulgence and injudicious praise;
but she could not gain his heart. Her piety consisted in an
occasional heaving of sighs, and uplifting of eyes to the ceiling,
and the utterance of a few cant phrases. She told me she was a
clergyman's daughter, and had been left an orphan from her
childhood, but had had the good fortune to obtain a situation in a
very pious family; and then she spoke so gratefully of the kindness
she had experienced from its different members, that I reproached
myself for my uncharitable thoughts and unfriendly conduct, and
relented for a time, but not for long: my causes of dislike were
too rational, my suspicions too well founded for that; and I knew
it was my duty to watch and scrutinize till those suspicions were
either satisfactorily removed or confirmed.
I asked the name and residence of the kind and pious family. She
mentioned a common name, and an unknown and distant place of abode,
but told me they were now on the Continent, and their present
address was unknown to her. I never saw her speak much to Mr.
Huntingdon; but he would frequently look into the school-room to
see how little Arthur got on with his new companion, when I was not
there. In the evening, she sat with us in the drawing-room, and
would sing and play to amuse him or us, as she pretended, and was
very attentive to his wants, and watchful to anticipate them,
though she only talked to me; indeed, he was seldom in a condition
to be talked to. Had she been other than she was, I should have
felt her presence a great relief to come between us thus, except,
indeed, that I should have been thoroughly ashamed for any decent
person to see him as he often was.
I did not mention my suspicions to Rachel; but she, having
sojourned for half a century in this land of sin and sorrow, has
learned to be suspicious herself. She told me from the first she
was 'down of that new governess,' and I soon found she watched her
quite as narrowly as I did; and I was glad of it, for I longed to
know the truth: the atmosphere of Grassdale seemed to stifle me,
and I could only live by thinking of Wildfell Hall.
At last, one morning, she entered my chamber with such intelligence
that my resolution was taken before she had ceased to speak. While
she dressed me I explained to her my intentions and what assistance
I should require from her, and told her which of my things she was
to pack up, and what she was to leave behind for herself, as I had
no other means of recompensing her for this sudden dismissal after
her long and faithful service: a circumstance I most deeply
regretted, but could not avoid.
'And what will you do, Rachel?' said I; 'will you go home, or seek
another place?'
'I have no home, ma'am, but with you,' she replied; 'and if I leave
you I'll never go into place again as long as I live.'
'But I can't afford to live like a lady now,' returned I: 'I must
be my own maid and my child's nurse.'
'What signifies!' replied she, in some excitement. 'You'll want
somebody to clean and wash, and cook, won't you? I can do all
that; and never mind the wages: I've my bits o' savings yet, and
if you wouldn't take me I should have to find my own board and
lodging out of 'em somewhere, or else work among strangers: and
it's what I'm not used to: so you can please yourself, ma'am.'
Her voice quavered as she spoke, and the tears stood in her eyes.
'I should like it above all things, Rachel, and I'd give you such
wages as I could afford: such as I should give to any servant-ofall-
work I might employ: but don't you see I should be dragging
you down with me when you have done nothing to deserve it?'
'Oh, fiddle!' ejaculated she.
'And, besides, my future way of living will be so widely different
to the past: so different to all you have been accustomed to - '
'Do you think, ma'am, I can't bear what my missis can? surely I'm
not so proud and so dainty as that comes to; and my little master,
too, God bless him!'
'But I'm young, Rachel; I sha'n't mind it; and Arthur is young too:
it will be nothing to him.'
'Nor me either: I'm not so old but what I can stand hard fare and
hard work, if it's only to help and comfort them as I've loved like
my own bairns: for all I'm too old to bide the thoughts o' leaving
'em in trouble and danger, and going amongst strangers myself.'
'Then you sha'n't, Rachel!' cried I, embracing my faithful friend.
'We'll all go together, and you shall see how the new life suits
you.'
'Bless you, honey!' cried she, affectionately returning my embrace.
'Only let us get shut of this wicked house, and we'll do right
enough, you'll see.'
'So think I,' was my answer; and so that point was settled.
By that morning's post I despatched a few hasty lines to Frederick,
beseeching him to prepare my asylum for my immediate reception:
for I should probably come to claim it within a day after the
receipt of that note: and telling him, in few words, the cause of
my sudden resolution. I then wrote three letters of adieu: the
first to Esther Hargrave, in which I told her that I found it
impossible to stay any longer at Grassdale, or to leave my son
under his father's protection; and, as it was of the last
importance that our future abode should be unknown to him and his
acquaintance, I should disclose it to no one but my brother,
through the medium of whom I hoped still to correspond with my
friends. I then gave her his address, exhorted her to write
frequently, reiterated some of my former admonitions regarding her
own concerns, and bade her a fond farewell.
The second was to Milicent; much to the same effect, but a little
more confidential, as befitted our longer intimacy, and her greater
experience and better acquaintance with my circumstances.
The third was to my aunt: a much more difficult and painful
undertaking, and therefore I had left it to the last; but I must
give her some explanation of that extraordinary step I had taken:
and that quickly, for she and my uncle would no doubt hear of it
within a day or two after my disappearance, as it was probable that
Mr. Huntingdon would speedily apply to them to know what was become
of me. At last, however, I told her I was sensible of my error: I
did not complain of its punishment, and I was sorry to trouble my
friends with its consequences; but in duty to my son I must submit
no longer; it was absolutely necessary that he should be delivered
from his father's corrupting influence. I should not disclose my
place of refuge even to her, in order that she and my uncle might
be able, with truth, to deny all knowledge concerning it; but any
communications addressed to me under cover to my brother would be
certain to reach me. I hoped she and my uncle would pardon the
step I had taken, for if they knew all, I was sure they would not
blame me; and I trusted they would not afflict themselves on my
account, for if I could only reach my retreat in safety and keep it
unmolested, I should be very happy, but for the thoughts of them;
and should be quite contented to spend my life in obscurity,
devoting myself to the training up of my child, and teaching him to
avoid the errors of both his parents.
These things were done yesterday: I have given two whole days to
the preparation for our departure, that Frederick may have more
time to prepare the rooms, and Rachel to pack up the things: for
the latter task must be done with the utmost caution and secrecy,
and there is no one but me to assist her. I can help to get the
articles together, but I do not understand the art of stowing them
into the boxes, so as to take up the smallest possible space; and
there are her own things to do, as well as mine and Arthur's. I
can ill afford to leave anything behind, since I have no money,
except a few guineas in my purse; and besides, as Rachel observed,
whatever I left would most likely become the property of Miss
Myers, and I should not relish that.
But what trouble I have had throughout these two days, struggling
to appear calm and collected, to meet him and her as usual, when I
was obliged to meet them, and forcing myself to leave my little
Arthur in her hands for hours together! But I trust these trials
are over now: I have laid him in my bed for better security, and
never more, I trust, shall his innocent lips be defiled by their
contaminating kisses, or his young ears polluted by their words.
But shall we escape in safety? Oh, that the morning were come, and
we were on our way at least! This evening, when I had given Rachel
all the assistance I could, and had nothing left me but to wait,
and wish and tremble, I became so greatly agitated that I knew not
what to do. I went down to dinner, but I could not force myself to
eat. Mr. Huntingdon remarked the circumstance.
'What's to do with you now?' said he, when the removal of the
second course gave him time to look about him.
'I am not well,' I replied: 'I think I must lie down a little; you
won't miss me much?'
'Not the least: if you leave your chair, it'll do just as well -
better, a trifle,' he muttered, as I left the room, 'for I can
fancy somebody else fills it.'
'Somebody else may fill it to-morrow,' I thought, but did not say.
'There! I've seen the last of you, I hope,' I muttered, as I
closed the door upon him.
Rachel urged me to seek repose at once, to recruit my strength for
to-morrow's journey, as we must be gone before the dawn; but in my
present state of nervous excitement that was entirely out of the
question. It was equally out of the question to sit, or wander
about my room, counting the hours and the minutes between me and
the appointed time of action, straining my ears and trembling at
every sound, lest someone should discover and betray us after all.
I took up a book and tried to read: my eyes wandered over the
pages, but it was impossible to bind my thoughts to their contents.
Why not have recourse to the old expedient, and add this last event
to my chronicle? I opened its pages once more, and wrote the above
account - with difficulty, at first, but gradually my mind became
more calm and steady. Thus several hours have passed away: the
time is drawing near; and now my eyes feel heavy and my frame
exhausted. I will commend my cause to God, and then lie down and
gain an hour or two of sleep; and then! -
Little Arthur sleeps soundly. All the house is still: there can
be no one watching. The boxes were all corded by Benson, and
quietly conveyed down the back stairs after dusk, and sent away in
a cart to the M- coach-office. The name upon the cards was Mrs.
Graham, which appellation I mean henceforth to adopt. My mother's
maiden name was Graham, and therefore I fancy I have some claim to
it, and prefer it to any other, except my own, which I dare not
resume.
CHAPTER XLIV
October 24th. - Thank heaven, I am free and safe at last. Early we
rose, swiftly and quietly dressed, slowly and stealthily descended
to the hall, where Benson stood ready with a light, to open the
door and fasten it after us. We were obliged to let one man into
our secret on account of the boxes, &c. All the servants were but
too well acquainted with their master's conduct, and either Benson
or John would have been willing to serve me; but as the former was
more staid and elderly, and a crony of Rachel's besides, I of
course directed her to make choice of him as her assistant and
confidant on the occasion, as far as necessity demanded, I only
hope he may not be brought into trouble thereby, and only wish I
could reward him for the perilous service he was so ready to
undertake. I slipped two guineas into his hand, by way of
remembrance, as he stood in the doorway, holding the candle to
light our departure, with a tear in his honest grey eye, and a host
of good wishes depicted on his solemn countenance. Alas! I could
offer no more: I had barely sufficient remaining for the probable
expenses of the journey.
What trembling joy it was when the little wicket closed behind us,
as we issued from the park! Then, for one moment, I paused, to
inhale one draught of that cool, bracing air, and venture one look
back upon the house. All was dark and still: no light glimmered
in the windows, no wreath of smoke obscured the stars that sparkled
above it in the frosty sky. As I bade farewell for ever to that
place, the scene of so much guilt and misery, I felt glad that I
had not left it before, for now there was no doubt about the
propriety of such a step - no shadow of remorse for him I left
behind. There was nothing to disturb my joy but the fear of
detection; and every step removed us further from the chance of
that.
We had left Grassdale many miles behind us before the round red sun
arose to welcome our deliverance; and if any inhabitant of its
vicinity had chanced to see us then, as we bowled along on the top
of the coach, I scarcely think they would have suspected our
identity. As I intend to be taken for a widow, I thought it
advisable to enter my new abode in mourning: I was, therefore,
attired in a plain black silk dress and mantle, a black veil (which
I kept carefully over my face for the first twenty or thirty miles
of the journey), and a black silk bonnet, which I had been
constrained to borrow of Rachel, for want of such an article
myself. It was not in the newest fashion, of course; but none the
worse for that, under present circumstances. Arthur was clad in
his plainest clothes, and wrapped in a coarse woollen shawl; and
Rachel was muffled in a grey cloak and hood that had seen better
days, and gave her more the appearance of an ordinary though decent
old woman, than of a lady's-maid.
Oh, what delight it was to be thus seated aloft, rumbling along the
broad, sunshiny road, with the fresh morning breeze in my face,
surrounded by an unknown country, all smiling - cheerfully,
gloriously smiling in the yellow lustre of those early beams; with
my darling child in my arms, almost as happy as myself, and my
faithful friend beside me: a prison and despair behind me,
receding further, further back at every clatter of the horses'
feet; and liberty and hope before! I could hardly refrain from
praising God aloud for my deliverance, or astonishing my fellowpassengers
by some surprising outburst of hilarity.
But the journey was a very long one, and we were all weary enough
before the close of it. It was far into the night when we reached
the town of L-, and still we were seven miles from our journey's
end; and there was no more coaching, nor any conveyance to be had,
except a common cart, and that with the greatest difficulty, for
half the town was in bed. And a dreary ride we had of it, that
last stage of the journey, cold and weary as we were; sitting on
our boxes, with nothing to cling to, nothing to lean against,
slowly dragged and cruelly shaken over the rough, hilly roads. But
Arthur was asleep in Rachel's lap, and between us we managed pretty
well to shield him from the cold night air.
At last we began to ascend a terribly steep and stony lane, which,
in spite of the darkness, Rachel said she remembered well: she had
often walked there with me in her arms, and little thought to come
again so many years after, under such circumstances as the present.
Arthur being now awakened by the jolting and the stoppages, we all
got out and walked. We had not far to go; but what if Frederick
should not have received my letter? or if he should not have had
time to prepare the rooms for our reception, and we should find
them all dark, damp, and comfortless, destitute of food, fire, and
furniture, after all our toil?
At length the grim, dark pile appeared before us. The lane
conducted us round by the back way. We entered the desolate court,
and in breathless anxiety surveyed the ruinous mass. Was it all
blackness and desolation? No; one faint red glimmer cheered us
from a window where the lattice was in good repair. The door was
fastened, but after due knocking and waiting, and some parleying
with a voice from an upper window, we were admitted by an old woman
who had been commissioned to air and keep the house till our
arrival, into a tolerably snug little apartment, formerly the
scullery of the mansion, which Frederick had now fitted up as a
kitchen. Here she procured us a light, roused the fire to a
cheerful blaze, and soon prepared a simple repast for our
refreshment; while we disencumbered ourselves of our travellinggear,
and took a hasty survey of our new abode. Besides the
kitchen, there were two bedrooms, a good-sized parlour, and another
smaller one, which I destined for my studio, all well aired and
seemingly in good repair, but only partly furnished with a few old
articles, chiefly of ponderous black oak, the veritable ones that
had been there before, and which had been kept as antiquarian
relics in my brother's present residence, and now, in all haste,
transported back again.
The old woman brought my supper and Arthur's into the parlour, and
told me, with all due formality, that 'the master desired his
compliments to Mrs. Graham, and he had prepared the rooms as well
as he could upon so short a notice; but he would do himself the
pleasure of calling upon her to-morrow, to receive her further
commands.'
I was glad to ascend the stern-looking stone staircase, and lie
down in the gloomy, old-fashioned bed, beside my little Arthur. He
was asleep in a minute; but, weary as I was, my excited feelings
and restless cogitations kept me awake till dawn began to struggle
with the darkness; but sleep was sweet and refreshing when it came,
and the waking was delightful beyond expression. It was little
Arthur that roused me, with his gentle kisses. He was here, then,
safely clasped in my arms, and many leagues away from his unworthy
father! Broad daylight illumined the apartment, for the sun was
high in heaven, though obscured by rolling masses of autumnal
vapour.
The scene, indeed, was not remarkably cheerful in itself, either
within or without. The large bare room, with its grim old
furniture, the narrow, latticed windows, revealing the dull, grey
sky above and the desolate wilderness below, where the dark stone
walls and iron gate, the rank growth of grass and weeds, and the
hardy evergreens of preternatural forms, alone remained to tell
that there had been once a garden, - and the bleak and barren
fields beyond might have struck me as gloomy enough at another
time; but now, each separate object seemed to echo back my own
exhilarating sense of hope and freedom: indefinite dreams of the
far past and bright anticipations of the future seemed to greet me
at every turn. I should rejoice with more security, to be sure,
had the broad sea rolled between my present and my former homes;
but surely in this lonely spot I might remain unknown; and then I
had my brother here to cheer my solitude with his occasional
visits.
He came that morning; and I have had several interviews with him
since; but he is obliged to be very cautious when and how he comes;
not even his servants or his best friends must know of his visits
to Wildfell - except on such occasions as a landlord might be
expected to call upon a stranger tenant - lest suspicion should be
excited against me, whether of the truth or of some slanderous
falsehood.
I have now been here nearly a fortnight, and, but for one
disturbing care, the haunting dread of discovery, I am comfortably
settled in my new home: Frederick has supplied me with all
requisite furniture and painting materials: Rachel has sold most
of my clothes for me, in a distant town, and procured me a wardrobe
more suitable to my present position: I have a second-hand piano,
and a tolerably well-stocked bookcase in my parlour; and my other
room has assumed quite a professional, business-like appearance
already. I am working hard to repay my brother for all his
expenses on my account; not that there is the slightest necessity
for anything of the kind, but it pleases me to do so: I shall have
so much more pleasure in my labour, my earnings, my frugal fare,
and household economy, when I know that I am paying my way
honestly, and that what little I possess is legitimately all my
own; and that no one suffers for my folly - in a pecuniary way at
least. I shall make him take the last penny I owe him, if I can
possibly effect it without offending him too deeply. I have a few
pictures already done, for I told Rachel to pack up all I had; and
she executed her commission but too well - for among the rest, she
put up a portrait of Mr. Huntingdon that I had painted in the first
year of my marriage. It struck me with dismay, at the moment, when
I took it from the box and beheld those eyes fixed upon me in their
mocking mirth, as if exulting still in his power to control my
fate, and deriding my efforts to escape.
How widely different had been my feelings in painting that portrait
to what they now were in looking upon it! How I had studied and
toiled to produce something, as I thought, worthy of the original!
what mingled pleasure and dissatisfaction I had had in the result
of my labours! - pleasure for the likeness I had caught;
dissatisfaction, because I had not made it handsome enough. Now, I
see no beauty in it - nothing pleasing in any part of its
expression; and yet it is far handsomer and far more agreeable -
far less repulsive I should rather say - than he is now: for these
six years have wrought almost as great a change upon himself as on
my feelings regarding him. The frame, however, is handsome enough;
it will serve for another painting. The picture itself I have not
destroyed, as I had first intended; I have put it aside; not, I
think, from any lurking tenderness for the memory of past
affection, nor yet to remind me of my former folly, but chiefly
that I may compare my son's features and countenance with this, as
he grows up, and thus be enabled to judge how much or how little he
resembles his father - if I may be allowed to keep him with me
still, and never to behold that father's face again - a blessing I
hardly dare reckon upon.
It seems Mr. Huntingdon is making every exertion to discover the
place of my retreat. He has been in person to Staningley, seeking
redress for his grievances - expecting to hear of his victims, if
not to find them there - and has told so many lies, and with such
unblushing coolness, that my uncle more than half believes him, and
strongly advocates my going back to him and being friends again.
But my aunt knows better: she is too cool and cautious, and too
well acquainted with both my husband's character and my own to be
imposed upon by any specious falsehoods the former could invent.
But he does not want me back; he wants my child; and gives my
friends to understand that if I prefer living apart from him, he
will indulge the whim and let me do so unmolested, and even settle
a reasonable allowance on me, provided I will immediately deliver
up his son. But heaven help me! I am not going to sell my child
for gold, though it were to save both him and me from starving: it
would be better that he should die with me than that he should live
with his father.
Frederick showed me a letter he had received from that gentleman,
full of cool impudence such as would astonish any one who did not
know him, but such as, I am convinced, none would know better how
to answer than my brother. He gave me no account of his reply,
except to tell me that he had not acknowledged his acquaintance
with my place of refuge, but rather left it to be inferred that it
was quite unknown to him, by saying it was useless to apply to him,
or any other of my relations, for information on the subject, as it
appeared I had been driven to such extremity that I had concealed
my retreat even from my best friends; but that if he had known it,
or should at any time be made aware of it, most certainly Mr.
Huntingdon would be the last person to whom he should communicate
the intelligence; and that he need not trouble himself to bargain
for the child, for he (Frederick) fancied he knew enough of his
sister to enable him to declare, that wherever she might be, or
however situated, no consideration would induce her to deliver him
up.
30th. - Alas! my kind neighbours will not let me alone. By some
means they have ferreted me out, and I have had to sustain visits
from three different families, all more or less bent upon
discovering who and what I am, whence I came, and why I have chosen
such a home as this. Their society is unnecessary to me, to say
the least, and their curiosity annoys and alarms me: if I gratify
it, it may lead to the ruin of my son, and if I am too mysterious
it will only excite their suspicions, invite conjecture, and rouse
them to greater exertions - and perhaps be the means of spreading
my fame from parish to parish, till it reach the ears of some one
who will carry it to the Lord of Grassdale Manor.
I shall be expected to return their calls, but if, upon inquiry, I
find that any of them live too far away for Arthur to accompany me,
they must expect in vain for a while, for I cannot bear to leave
him, unless it be to go to church, and I have not attempted that
yet: for - it may be foolish weakness, but I am under such
constant dread of his being snatched away, that I am never easy
when he is not by my side; and I fear these nervous terrors would
so entirely disturb my devotions, that I should obtain no benefit
from the attendance. I mean, however, to make the experiment next
Sunday, and oblige myself to leave him in charge of Rachel for a
few hours. It will be a hard task, but surely no imprudence; and
the vicar has been to scold me for my neglect of the ordinances of
religion. I had no sufficient excuse to offer, and I promised, if
all were well, he should see me in my pew next Sunday; for I do not
wish to be set down as an infidel; and, besides, I know I should
derive great comfort and benefit from an occasional attendance at
public worship, if I could only have faith and fortitude to compose
my thoughts in conformity with the solemn occasion, and forbid them
to be for ever dwelling on my absent child, and on the dreadful
possibility of finding him gone when I return; and surely God in
His mercy will preserve me from so severe a trial: for my child's
own sake, if not for mine, He will not suffer him to be torn away.
November 3rd. - I have made some further acquaintance with my
neighbours. The fine gentleman and beau of the parish and its
vicinity (in his own estimation, at least) is a young . . . .
* * * * *
Here it ended. The rest was torn away. How cruel, just when she
was going to mention me! for I could not doubt it was your humble
servant she was about to mention, though not very favourably, of
course. I could tell that, as well by those few words as by the
recollection of her whole aspect and demeanour towards me in the
commencement of our acquaintance. Well! I could readily forgive
her prejudice against me, and her hard thoughts of our sex in
general, when I saw to what brilliant specimens her experience had
been limited.
Respecting me, however, she had long since seen her error, and
perhaps fallen into another in the opposite extreme: for if, at
first, her opinion of me had been lower than I deserved, I was
convinced that now my deserts were lower than her opinion; and if
the former part of this continuation had been torn away to avoid
wounding my feelings, perhaps the latter portion had been removed
for fear of ministering too much to my self-conceit. At any rate,
I would have given much to have seen it all - to have witnessed the
gradual change, and watched the progress of her esteem and
friendship for me, and whatever warmer feeling she might have; to
have seen how much of love there was in her regard, and how it had
grown upon her in spite of her virtuous resolutions and strenuous
exertions to - but no, I had no right to see it: all this was too
sacred for any eyes but her own, and she had done well to keep it
from me.
CHAPTER XLV
Well, Halford, what do you think of all this? and while you read
it, did you ever picture to yourself what my feelings would
probably be during its perusal? Most likely not; but I am not
going to descant upon them now: I will only make this
acknowledgment, little honourable as it may be to human nature, and
especially to myself, - that the former half of the narrative was,
to me, more painful than the latter, not that I was at all
insensible to Mrs. Huntingdon's wrongs or unmoved by her
sufferings, but, I must confess, I felt a kind of selfish
gratification in watching her husband's gradual decline in her good
graces, and seeing how completely he extinguished all her affection
at last. The effect of the whole, however, in spite of all my
sympathy for her, and my fury against him, was to relieve my mind
of an intolerable burden, and fill my heart with joy, as if some
friend had roused me from a dreadful nightmare.
It was now near eight o'clock in the morning, for my candle had
expired in the midst of my perusal, leaving me no alternative but
to get another, at the expense of alarming the house, or to go to
bed, and wait the return of daylight. On my mother's account, I
chose the latter; but how willingly I sought my pillow, and how
much sleep it brought me, I leave you to imagine.
At the first appearance of dawn, I rose, and brought the manuscript
to the window, but it was impossible to read it yet. I devoted
half an hour to dressing, and then returned to it again. Now, with
a little difficulty, I could manage; and with intense and eager
interest, I devoured the remainder of its contents. When it was
ended, and my transient regret at its abrupt conclusion was over, I
opened the window and put out my head to catch the cooling breeze,
and imbibe deep draughts of the pure morning air. A splendid
morning it was; the half-frozen dew lay thick on the grass, the
swallows were twittering round me, the rooks cawing, and cows
lowing in the distance; and early frost and summer sunshine mingled
their sweetness in the air. But I did not think of that: a
confusion of countless thoughts and varied emotions crowded upon me
while I gazed abstractedly on the lovely face of nature. Soon,
however, this chaos of thoughts and passions cleared away, giving
place to two distinct emotions: joy unspeakable that my adored
Helen was all I wished to think her - that through the noisome
vapours of the world's aspersions and my own fancied convictions,
her character shone bright, and clear, and stainless as that sun I
could not bear to look on; and shame and deep remorse for my own
conduct.
Immediately after breakfast I hurried over to Wildfell Hall.
Rachel had risen many degrees in my estimation since yesterday. I
was ready to greet her quite as an old friend; but every kindly
impulse was checked by the look of cold distrust she cast upon me
on opening the door. The old virgin had constituted herself the
guardian of her lady's honour, I suppose, and doubtless she saw in
me another Mr. Hargrave, only the more dangerous in being more
esteemed and trusted by her mistress.
'Missis can't see any one to-day, sir - she's poorly,' said she, in
answer to my inquiry for Mrs. Graham.
'But I must see her, Rachel,' said I, placing my hand on the door
to prevent its being shut against me.
'Indeed, sir, you can't,' replied she, settling her countenance in
still more iron frigidity than before.
'Be so good as to announce me.'
'It's no manner of use, Mr. Markham; she's poorly, I tell you.'
Just in time to prevent me from committing the impropriety of
taking the citadel by storm, and pushing forward unannounced, an
inner door opened, and little Arthur appeared with his frolicsome
playfellow, the dog. He seized my hand between both his, and
smilingly drew me forward.
'Mamma says you're to come in, Mr. Markham,' said he, 'and I am to
go out and play with Rover.'
Rachel retired with a sigh, and I stepped into the parlour and shut
the door. There, before the fire-place, stood the tall, graceful
figure, wasted with many sorrows. I cast the manuscript on the
table, and looked in her face. Anxious and pale, it was turned
towards me; her clear, dark eyes were fixed on mine with a gaze so
intensely earnest that they bound me like a spell.
'Have you looked it over?' she murmured. The spell was broken.
'I've read it through,' said I, advancing into the room, - 'and I
want to know if you'll forgive me - if you can forgive me?'
She did not answer, but her eyes glistened, and a faint red mantled
on her lip and cheek. As I approached, she abruptly turned away,
and went to the window. It was not in anger, I was well assured,
but only to conceal or control her emotion. I therefore ventured
to follow and stand beside her there, - but not to speak. She gave
me her hand, without turning her head, and murmured in a voice she
strove in vain to steady, - 'Can you forgive me?'
It might be deemed a breach of trust, I thought, to convey that
lily hand to my lips, so I only gently pressed it between my own,
and smilingly replied, - 'I hardly can. You should have told me
this before. It shows a want of confidence - '
'Oh, no,' cried she, eagerly interrupting me; 'it was not that. It
was no want of confidence in you; but if I had told you anything of
my history, I must have told you all, in order to excuse my
conduct; and I might well shrink from such a disclosure, till
necessity obliged me to make it. But you forgive me? - I have done
very, very wrong, I know; but, as usual, I have reaped the bitter
fruits of my own error, - and must reap them to the end.'
Bitter, indeed, was the tone of anguish, repressed by resolute
firmness, in which this was spoken. Now, I raised her hand to my
lips, and fervently kissed it again and again; for tears prevented
any other reply. She suffered these wild caresses without
resistance or resentment; then, suddenly turning from me, she paced
twice or thrice through the room. I knew by the contraction of her
brow, the tight compression of her lips, and wringing of her hands,
that meantime a violent conflict between reason and passion was
silently passing within. At length she paused before the empty
fire-place, and turning to me, said calmly - if that might be
called calmness which was so evidently the result of a violent
effort, - 'Now, Gilbert, you must leave me - not this moment, but
soon - and you must never come again.'
'Never again, Helen? just when I love you more than ever.'
'For that very reason, if it be so, we should not meet again. I
thought this interview was necessary - at least, I persuaded myself
it was so - that we might severally ask and receive each other's
pardon for the past; but there can be no excuse for another. I
shall leave this place, as soon as I have means to seek another
asylum; but our intercourse must end here.'
'End here!' echoed I; and approaching the high, carved chimneypiece,
I leant my hand against its heavy mouldings, and dropped my
forehead upon it in silent, sullen despondency.
'You must not come again,' continued she. There was a slight
tremor in her voice, but I thought her whole manner was provokingly
composed, considering the dreadful sentence she pronounced. 'You
must know why I tell you so,' she resumed; 'and you must see that
it is better to part at once: - if it be hard to say adieu for
ever, you ought to help me.' She paused. I did not answer. 'Will
you promise not to come? - if you won't, and if you do come here
again, you will drive me away before I know where to find another
place of refuge - or how to seek it.'
'Helen,' said I, turning impatiently towards her, 'I cannot discuss
the matter of eternal separation calmly and dispassionately as you
can do. It is no question of mere expedience with me; it is a
question of life and death!'
She was silent. Her pale lips quivered, and her fingers trembled
with agitation, as she nervously entwined them in the hair-chain to
which was appended her small gold watch - the only thing of value
she had permitted herself to keep. I had said an unjust and cruel
thing; but I must needs follow it up with something worse.
'But, Helen!' I began in a soft, low tone, not daring to raise my
eyes to her face, 'that man is not your husband: in the sight of
heaven he has forfeited all claim to - ' She seized my arm with a
grasp of startling energy.
'Gilbert, don't!' she cried, in a tone that would have pierced a
heart of adamant. 'For God's sake, don't you attempt these
arguments! No fiend could torture me like this!'
'I won't, I won't!' said I, gently laying my hand on hers; almost
as much alarmed at her vehemence as ashamed of my own misconduct.
'Instead of acting like a true friend,' continued she, breaking
from me, and throwing herself into the old arm-chair, 'and helping
me with all your might - or rather taking your own part in the
struggle of right against passion - you leave all the burden to me;
- and not satisfied with that, you do your utmost to fight against
me - when you know that! - ' she paused, and hid her face in her
handkerchief.
'Forgive me, Helen!' pleaded I. 'I will never utter another word
on the subject. But may we not still meet as friends?'
'It will not do,' she replied, mournfully shaking her head; and
then she raised her eyes to mine, with a mildly reproachful look
that seemed to say, 'You must know that as well as I.'
'Then what must we do?' cried I, passionately. But immediately I
added in a quieter tone - 'I'll do whatever you desire; only don't
say that this meeting is to be our last.'
'And why not? Don't you know that every time we meet the thoughts
of the final parting will become more painful? Don't you feel that
every interview makes us dearer to each other than the last?'
The utterance of this last question was hurried and low, and the
downcast eyes and burning blush too plainly showed that she, at
least, had felt it. It was scarcely prudent to make such an
admission, or to add - as she presently did - 'I have power to bid
you go, now: another time it might be different,' - but I was not
base enough to attempt to take advantage of her candour.
'But we may write,' I timidly suggested. 'You will not deny me
that consolation?'
'We can hear of each other through my brother.'
'Your brother!' A pang of remorse and shame shot through me. She
had not heard of the injury he had sustained at my hands; and I had
not the courage to tell her. 'Your brother will not help us,' I
said: 'he would have all communion between us to be entirely at an
end.'
'And he would be right, I suppose. As a friend of both, he would
wish us both well; and every friend would tell us it was our
interest, as well as our duty, to forget each other, though we
might not see it ourselves. But don't be afraid, Gilbert,' she
added, smiling sadly at my manifest discomposure; 'there is little
chance of my forgetting you. But I did not mean that Frederick
should be the means of transmitting messages between us - only that
each might know, through him, of the other's welfare; - and more
than this ought not to be: for you are young, Gilbert, and you
ought to marry - and will some time, though you may think it
impossible now: and though I hardly can say I wish you to forget
me, I know it is right that you should, both for your own
happiness, and that of your future wife; - and therefore I must and
will wish it,' she added resolutely.
'And you are young too, Helen,' I boldly replied; 'and when that
profligate scoundrel has run through his career, you will give your
hand to me - I'll wait till then.'
But she would not leave me this support. Independently of the
moral evil of basing our hopes upon the death of another, who, if
unfit for this world, was at least no less so for the next, and
whose amelioration would thus become our bane and his greatest
transgression our greatest benefit, - she maintained it to be
madness: many men of Mr. Huntingdon's habits had lived to a ripe
though miserable old age. 'And if I,' said she, 'am young in
years, I am old in sorrow; but even if trouble should fail to kill
me before vice destroys him, think, if he reached but fifty years
or so, would you wait twenty or fifteen - in vague uncertainty and
suspense - through all the prime of youth and manhood - and marry
at last a woman faded and worn as I shall be - without ever having
seen me from this day to that? - You would not,' she continued,
interrupting my earnest protestations of unfailing constancy, - 'or
if you would, you should not. Trust me, Gilbert; in this matter I
know better than you. You think me cold and stony-hearted, and you
may, but - '
'I don't, Helen.'
'Well, never mind: you might if you would: but I have not spent
my solitude in utter idleness, and I am not speaking now from the
impulse of the moment, as you do. I have thought of all these
matters again and again; I have argued these questions with myself,
and pondered well our past, and present, and future career; and,
believe me, I have come to the right conclusion at last. Trust my
words rather than your own feelings now, and in a few years you
will see that I was right - though at present I hardly can see it
myself,' she murmured with a sigh as she rested her head on her
hand. 'And don't argue against me any more: all you can say has
been already said by my own heart and refuted by my reason. It was
hard enough to combat those suggestions as they were whispered
within me; in your mouth they are ten times worse, and if you knew
how much they pain me you would cease at once, I know. If you knew
my present feelings, you would even try to relieve them at the
expense of your own.'
'I will go - in a minute, if that can relieve you - and NEVER
return!' said I, with bitter emphasis. 'But, if we may never meet,
and never hope to meet again, is it a crime to exchange our
thoughts by letter? May not kindred spirits meet, and mingle in
communion, whatever be the fate and circumstances of their earthly
tenements?'
'They may, they may!' cried she, with a momentary burst of glad
enthusiasm. 'I thought of that too, Gilbert, but I feared to
mention it, because I feared you would not understand my views upon
the subject. I fear it even now - I fear any kind friend would
tell us we are both deluding ourselves with the idea of keeping up
a spiritual intercourse without hope or prospect of anything
further - without fostering vain regrets and hurtful aspirations,
and feeding thoughts that should be sternly and pitilessly left to
perish of inanition.'
'Never mind our kind friends: if they can part our bodies, it is
enough; in God's name, let them not sunder our souls!' cried I, in
terror lest she should deem it her duty to deny us this last
remaining consolation.
'But no letters can pass between us here,' said she, 'without
giving fresh food for scandal; and when I departed, I had intended
that my new abode should be unknown to you as to the rest of the
world; not that I should doubt your word if you promised not to
visit me, but I thought you would be more tranquil in your own mind
if you knew you could not do it, and likely to find less difficulty
in abstracting yourself from me if you could not picture my
situation to your mind. But listen,' said she, smilingly putting
up her finger to check my impatient reply: 'in six months you
shall hear from Frederick precisely where I am; and if you still
retain your wish to write to me, and think you can maintain a
correspondence all thought, all spirit - such as disembodied souls
or unimpassioned friends, at least, might hold, - write, and I will
answer you.'
'Six months!'
'Yes, to give your present ardour time to cool, and try the truth
and constancy of your soul's love for mine. And now, enough has
been said between us. Why can't we part at once?' exclaimed she,
almost wildly, after a moment's pause, as she suddenly rose from
her chair, with her hands resolutely clasped together. I thought
it was my duty to go without delay; and I approached and half
extended my hand as if to take leave - she grasped it in silence.
But this thought of final separation was too intolerable: it
seemed to squeeze the blood out of my heart; and my feet were glued
to the floor.
'And must we never meet again?' I murmured, in the anguish of my
soul.
'We shall meet in heaven. Let us think of that,' said she in a
tone of desperate calmness; but her eyes glittered wildly, and her
face was deadly pale.
'But not as we are now,' I could not help replying. 'It gives me
little consolation to think I shall next behold you as a
disembodied spirit, or an altered being, with a frame perfect and
glorious, but not like this! - and a heart, perhaps, entirely
estranged from me.'
'No, Gilbert, there is perfect love in heaven!'
'So perfect, I suppose, that it soars above distinctions, and you
will have no closer sympathy with me than with any one of the ten
thousand thousand angels and the innumerable multitude of happy
spirits round us.'
'Whatever I am, you will be the same, and, therefore, cannot
possibly regret it; and whatever that change may be we know it must
be for the better.'
'But if I am to be so changed that I shall cease to adore you with
my whole heart and soul, and love you beyond every other creature,
I shall not be myself; and though, if ever I win heaven at all, I
must, I know, be infinitely better and happier than I am now, my
earthly nature cannot rejoice in the anticipation of such
beatitude, from which itself and its chief joy must be excluded.'
'Is your love all earthly, then?'
'No, but I am supposing we shall have no more intimate communion
with each other than with the rest.'
'If so, it will be because we love them more, and not each other
less. Increase of love brings increase of happiness, when it is
mutual, and pure as that will be.'
'But can you, Helen, contemplate with delight this prospect of
losing me in a sea of glory?'
'I own I cannot; but we know not that it will be so; - and I do
know that to regret the exchange of earthly pleasures for the joys
of heaven, is as if the grovelling caterpillar should lament that
it must one day quit the nibbled leaf to soar aloft and flutter
through the air, roving at will from flower to flower, sipping
sweet honey from their cups, or basking in their sunny petals. If
these little creatures knew how great a change awaited them, no
doubt they would regret it; but would not all such sorrow be
misplaced? And if that illustration will not move you, here is
another:- We are children now; we feel as children, and we
understand as children; and when we are told that men and women do
not play with toys, and that our companions will one day weary of
the trivial sports and occupations that interest them and us so
deeply now, we cannot help being saddened at the thoughts of such
an alteration, because we cannot conceive that as we grow up our
own minds will become so enlarged and elevated that we ourselves
shall then regard as trifling those objects and pursuits we now so
fondly cherish, and that, though our companions will no longer join
us in those childish pastimes, they will drink with us at other
fountains of delight, and mingle their souls with ours in higher
aims and nobler occupations beyond our present comprehension, but
not less deeply relished or less truly good for that, while yet
both we and they remain essentially the same individuals as before.
But, Gilbert, can you really derive no consolation from the thought
that we may meet together where there is no more pain and sorrow,
no more striving against sin, and struggling of the spirit against
the flesh; where both will behold the same glorious truths, and
drink exalted and supreme felicity from the same fountain of light
and goodness - that Being whom both will worship with the same
intensity of holy ardour - and where pure and happy creatures both
will love with the same divine affection? If you cannot, never
write to me!'
'Helen, I can! if faith would never fail.'
'Now, then,' exclaimed she, 'while this hope is strong within us -
'
'We will part,' I cried. 'You shall not have the pain of another
effort to dismiss me. I will go at once; but - '
I did not put my request in words: she understood it
instinctively, and this time she yielded too - or rather, there was
nothing so deliberate as requesting or yielding in the matter:
there was a sudden impulse that neither could resist. One moment I
stood and looked into her face, the next I held her to my heart,
and we seemed to grow together in a close embrace from which no
physical or mental force could rend us. A whispered 'God bless
you!' and 'Go - go!' was all she said; but while she spoke she held
me so fast that, without violence, I could not have obeyed her. At
length, however, by some heroic effort, we tore ourselves apart,
and I rushed from the house.
I have a confused remembrance of seeing little Arthur running up
the garden-walk to meet me, and of bolting over the wall to avoid
him - and subsequently running down the steep fields, clearing the
stone fences and hedges as they came in my way, till I got
completely out of sight of the old hall and down to the bottom of
the hill; and then of long hours spent in bitter tears and
lamentations, and melancholy musings in the lonely valley, with the
eternal music in my ears, of the west wind rushing through the
overshadowing trees, and the brook babbling and gurgling along its
stony bed; my eyes, for the most part, vacantly fixed on the deep,
chequered shades restlessly playing over the bright sunny grass at
my feet, where now and then a withered leaf or two would come
dancing to share the revelry; but my heart was away up the hill in
that dark room where she was weeping desolate and alone - she whom
I was not to comfort, not to see again, till years or suffering had
overcome us both, and torn our spirits from their perishing abodes
of clay.
There was little business done that day, you may be sure. The farm
was abandoned to the labourers, and the labourers were left to
their own devices. But one duty must be attended to; I had not
forgotten my assault upon Frederick Lawrence; and I must see him to
apologise for the unhappy deed. I would fain have put it off till
the morrow; but what if he should denounce me to his sister in the
meantime? No, no! I must ask his pardon to-day, and entreat him
to be lenient in his accusation, if the revelation must be made. I
deferred it, however, till the evening, when my spirits were more
composed, and when - oh, wonderful perversity of human nature! -
some faint germs of indefinite hopes were beginning to rise in my
mind; not that I intended to cherish them, after all that had been
said on the subject, but there they must lie for a while, uncrushed
though not encouraged, till I had learnt to live without them.
Arrived at Woodford, the young squire's abode, I found no little
difficulty in obtaining admission to his presence. The servant
that opened the door told me his master was very ill, and seemed to
think it doubtful whether he would be able to see me. I was not
going to be baulked, however. I waited calmly in the hall to be
announced, but inwardly determined to take no denial. The message
was such as I expected - a polite intimation that Mr. Lawrence
could see no one; he was feverish, and must not be disturbed.
'I shall not disturb him long,' said I; 'but I must see him for a
moment: it is on business of importance that I wish to speak to
him.'
'I'll tell him, sir,' said the man. And I advanced further into
the hall and followed him nearly to the door of the apartment where
his master was - for it seemed he was not in bed. The answer
returned was that Mr. Lawrence hoped I would be so good as to leave
a message or a note with the servant, as he could attend to no
business at present.
'He may as well see me as you,' said I; and, stepping past the
astonished footman, I boldly rapped at the door, entered, and
closed it behind me. The room was spacious and handsomely
furnished - very comfortably, too, for a bachelor. A clear, red
fire was burning in the polished grate: a superannuated greyhound,
given up to idleness and good living, lay basking before it on the
thick, soft rug, on one corner of which, beside the sofa, sat a
smart young springer, looking wistfully up in its master's face -
perhaps asking permission to share his couch, or, it might be, only
soliciting a caress from his hand or a kind word from his lips.
The invalid himself looked very interesting as he lay reclining
there, in his elegant dressing-gown, with a silk handkerchief bound
across his temples. His usually pale face was flushed and
feverish; his eyes were half closed, until he became sensible of my
presence - and then he opened them wide enough: one hand was
thrown listlessly over the back of the sofa, and held a small
volume, with which, apparently, he had been vainly attempting to
beguile the weary hours. He dropped it, however, in his start of
indignant surprise as I advanced into the room and stood before him
on the rug. He raised himself on his pillows, and gazed upon me
with equal degrees of nervous horror, anger, and amazement depicted
on his countenance.
'Mr. Markham, I scarcely expected this!' he said; and the blood
left his cheek as he spoke.
'I know you didn't,' answered I; 'but be quiet a minute, and I'll
tell you what I came for.' Unthinkingly, I advanced a step or two
nearer. He winced at my approach, with an expression of aversion
and instinctive physical fear anything but conciliatory to my
feelings. I stepped back, however.
'Make your story a short one,' said he, putting his hand on the
small silver bell that stood on the table beside him, 'or I shall
be obliged to call for assistance. I am in no state to bear your
brutalities now, or your presence either.' And in truth the
moisture started from his pores and stood on his pale forehead like
dew.
Such a reception was hardly calculated to diminish the difficulties
of my unenviable task. It must be performed however, in some
fashion; and so I plunged into it at once, and floundered through
it as I could.
'The truth is, Lawrence,' said I, 'I have not acted quite correctly
towards you of late - especially on this last occasion; and I'm
come to - in short, to express my regret for what has been done,
and to beg your pardon. If you don't choose to grant it,' I added
hastily, not liking the aspect of his face, 'it's no matter; only
I've done my duty - that's all.'
'It's easily done,' replied he, with a faint smile bordering on a
sneer: 'to abuse your friend and knock him on the head without any
assignable cause, and then tell him the deed was not quite correct,
but it's no matter whether he pardons it or not.'
'I forgot to tell you that it was in consequence of a mistake,' -
muttered I. 'I should have made a very handsome apology, but you
provoked me so confoundedly with your -. Well, I suppose it's my
fault. The fact is, I didn't know that you were Mrs. Graham's
brother, and I saw and heard some things respecting your conduct
towards her which were calculated to awaken unpleasant suspicions,
that, allow me to say, a little candour and confidence on your part
might have removed; and, at last, I chanced to overhear a part of a
conversation between you and her that made me think I had a right
to hate you.'
'And how came you to know that I was her brother?' asked he, in
some anxiety.
'She told me herself. She told me all. She knew I might be
trusted. But you needn't disturb yourself about that, Mr.
Lawrence, for I've seen the last of her!'
'The last! Is she gone, then?'
'No; but she has bid adieu to me, and I have promised never to go
near that house again while she inhabits it.' I could have groaned
aloud at the bitter thoughts awakened by this turn in the
discourse. But I only clenched my hands and stamped my foot upon
the rug. My companion, however, was evidently relieved.
'You have done right,' he said, in a tone of unqualified
approbation, while his face brightened into almost a sunny
expression. 'And as for the mistake, I am sorry for both our sakes
that it should have occurred. Perhaps you can forgive my want of
candour, and remember, as some partial mitigation of the offence,
how little encouragement to friendly confidence you have given me
of late.'
'Yes, yes - I remember it all: nobody can blame me more than I
blame myself in my own heart; at any rate, nobody can regret more
sincerely than I do the result of my brutality, as you rightly term
it.'
'Never mind that,' said he, faintly smiling; 'let us forget all
unpleasant words on both sides, as well as deeds, and consign to
oblivion everything that we have cause to regret. Have you any
objection to take my hand, or you'd rather not?' It trembled
through weakness as he held it out, and dropped before I had time
to catch it and give it a hearty squeeze, which he had not the
strength to return.
'How dry and burning your hand is, Lawrence,' said I. 'You are
really ill, and I have made you worse by all this talk.'
'Oh, it is nothing; only a cold got by the rain.'
'My doing, too.'
'Never mind that. But tell me, did you mention this affair to my
sister?'
'To confess the truth, I had not the courage to do so; but when you
tell her, will you just say that I deeply regret it, and - ?'
'Oh, never fear! I shall say nothing against you, as long as you
keep your good resolution of remaining aloof from her. She has not
heard of my illness, then, that you are aware of?'
'I think not.'
'I'm glad of that, for I have been all this time tormenting myself
with the fear that somebody would tell her I was dying, or
desperately ill, and she would be either distressing herself on
account of her inability to hear from me or do me any good, or
perhaps committing the madness of coming to see me. I must
contrive to let her know something about it, if I can,' continued
he, reflectively, 'or she will be hearing some such story. Many
would be glad to tell her such news, just to see how she would take
it; and then she might expose herself to fresh scandal.'
'I wish I had told her,' said I. 'If it were not for my promise, I
would tell her now.'
'By no means! I am not dreaming of that; - but if I were to write
a short note, now, not mentioning you, Markham, but just giving a
slight account of my illness, by way of excuse for my not coming to
see her, and to put her on her guard against any exaggerated
reports she may hear, - and address it in a disguised hand - would
you do me the favour to slip it into the post-office as you pass?
for I dare not trust any of the servants in such a case.'
Most willingly I consented, and immediately brought him his desk.
There was little need to disguise his hand, for the poor fellow
seemed to have considerable difficulty in writing at all, so as to
be legible. When the note was done, I thought it time to retire,
and took leave, after asking if there was anything in the world I
could do for him, little or great, in the way of alleviating his
sufferings, and repairing the injury I had done.
'No,' said he; 'you have already done much towards it; you have
done more for me than the most skilful physician could do: for you
have relieved my mind of two great burdens - anxiety on my sister's
account, and deep regret upon your own: for I do believe these two
sources of torment have had more effect in working me up into a
fever than anything else; and I am persuaded I shall soon recover
now. There is one more thing you can do for me, and that is, come
and see me now and then - for you see I am very lonely here, and I
promise your entrance shall not be disputed again.'
I engaged to do so, and departed with a cordial pressure of the
hand. I posted the letter on my way home, most manfully resisting
the temptation of dropping in a word from myself at the same time.
CHAPTER XLVI
I felt strongly tempted, at times, to enlighten my mother and
sister on the real character and circumstances of the persecuted
tenant of Wildfell Hall, and at first I greatly regretted having
omitted to ask that lady's permission to do so; but, on due
reflection, I considered that if it were known to them, it could
not long remain a secret to the Millwards and Wilsons, and such was
my present appreciation of Eliza Millward's disposition, that, if
once she got a clue to the story, I should fear she would soon find
means to enlighten Mr. Huntingdon upon the place of his wife's
retreat. I would therefore wait patiently till these weary six
months were over, and then, when the fugitive had found another
home, and I was permitted to write to her, I would beg to be
allowed to clear her name from these vile calumnies: at present I
must content myself with simply asserting that I knew them to be
false, and would prove it some day, to the shame of those who
slandered her. I don't think anybody believed me, but everybody
soon learned to avoid insinuating a word against her, or even
mentioning her name in my presence. They thought I was so madly
infatuated by the seductions of that unhappy lady that I was
determined to support her in the very face of reason; and meantime
I grow insupportably morose and misanthropical from the idea that
every one I met was harbouring unworthy thoughts of the supposed
Mrs. Graham, and would express them if he dared. My poor mother
was quite distressed about me; but I couldn't help it - at least I
thought I could not, though sometimes I felt a pang of remorse for
my undutiful conduct to her, and made an effort to amend, attended
with some partial success; and indeed I was generally more
humanised in my demeanour to her than to any one else, Mr. Lawrence
excepted. Rose and Fergus usually shunned my presence; and it was
well they did, for I was not fit company for them, nor they for me,
under the present circumstances.
Mrs. Huntingdon did not leave Wildfell Hall till above two months
after our farewell interview. During that time she never appeared
at church, and I never went near the house: I only knew she was
still there by her brother's brief answers to my many and varied
inquiries respecting her. I was a very constant and attentive
visitor to him throughout the whole period of his illness and
convalescence; not only from the interest I took in his recovery,
and my desire to cheer him up and make the utmost possible amends
for my former 'brutality,' but from my growing attachment to
himself, and the increasing pleasure I found in his society -
partly from his increased cordiality to me, but chiefly on account
of his close connection, both in blood and in affection, with my
adored Helen. I loved him for it better than I liked to express:
and I took a secret delight in pressing those slender white
fingers, so marvellously like her own, considering he was not a
woman, and in watching the passing changes in his fair, pale
features, and observing the intonations of his voice, detecting
resemblances which I wondered had never struck me before. He
provoked me at times, indeed, by his evident reluctance to talk to
me about his sister, though I did not question the friendliness of
his motives in wishing to discourage my remembrance of her.
His recovery was not quite so rapid as he had expected it to be; he
was not able to mount his pony till a fortnight after the date of
our reconciliation; and the first use he made of his returning
strength was to ride over by night to Wildfell Hall, to see his
sister. It was a hazardous enterprise both for him and for her,
but he thought it necessary to consult with her on the subject of
her projected departure, if not to calm her apprehensions
respecting his health, and the worst result was a slight relapse of
his illness, for no one knew of the visit but the inmates of the
old Hall, except myself; and I believe it had not been his
intention to mention it to me, for when I came to see him the next
day, and observed he was not so well as he ought to have been, he
merely said he had caught cold by being out too late in the
evening.
'You'll never be able to see your sister, if you don't take care of
yourself,' said I, a little provoked at the circumstance on her
account, instead of commiserating him.
'I've seen her already,' said he, quietly.
'You've seen her!' cried I, in astonishment.
'Yes.' And then he told me what considerations had impelled him to
make the venture, and with what precautions he had made it.
'And how was she?' I eagerly asked.
'As usual,' was the brief though sad reply.
'As usual - that is, far from happy and far from strong.'
'She is not positively ill,' returned he; 'and she will recover her
spirits in a while, I have no doubt - but so many trials have been
almost too much for her. How threatening those clouds look,'
continued he, turning towards the window. 'We shall have thundershowers
before night, I imagine, and they are just in the midst of
stacking my corn. Have you got yours all in yet?'
'No. And, Lawrence, did she - did your sister mention me?'
'She asked if I had seen you lately.'
'And what else did she say?'
'I cannot tell you all she said,' replied he, with a slight smile;
'for we talked a good deal, though my stay was but short; but our
conversation was chiefly on the subject of her intended departure,
which I begged her to delay till I was better able to assist her in
her search after another home.'
'But did she say no more about me?'
'She did not say much about you, Markham. I should not have
encouraged her to do so, had she been inclined; but happily she was
not: she only asked a few questions concerning you, and seemed
satisfied with my brief answers, wherein she showed herself wiser
than her friend; and I may tell you, too, that she seemed to be far
more anxious lest you should think too much of her, than lest you
should forget her.'
'She was right.'
'But I fear your anxiety is quite the other way respecting her.'
'No, it is not: I wish her to be happy; but I don't wish her to
forget me altogether. She knows it is impossible that I should
forget her; and she is right to wish me not to remember her too
well. I should not desire her to regret me too deeply; but I can
scarcely imagine she will make herself very unhappy about me,
because I know I am not worthy of it, except in my appreciation of
her.'
'You are neither of you worthy of a broken heart, - nor of all the
sighs, and tears, and sorrowful thoughts that have been, and I fear
will be, wasted upon you both; but, at present, each has a more
exalted opinion of the other than, I fear, he or she deserves; and
my sister's feelings are naturally full as keen as yours, and I
believe more constant; but she has the good sense and fortitude to
strive against them in this particular; and I trust she will not
rest till she has entirely weaned her thoughts - ' he hesitated.
'From me,' said I.
'And I wish you would make the like exertions,' continued he.
'Did she tell you that that was her intention?'
'No; the question was not broached between us: there was no
necessity for it, for I had no doubt that such was her
determination.'
'To forget me?'
'Yes, Markham! Why not?'
'Oh, well!' was my only audible reply; but I internally answered, -
'No, Lawrence, you're wrong there: she is not determined to forget
me. It would be wrong to forget one so deeply and fondly devoted
to her, who can so thoroughly appreciate her excellencies, and
sympathise with all her thoughts, as I can do, and it would be
wrong in me to forget so excellent and divine a piece of God's
creation as she, when I have once so truly loved and known her.'
But I said no more to him on that subject. I instantly started a
new topic of conversation, and soon took leave of my companion,
with a feeling of less cordiality towards him than usual. Perhaps
I had no right to be annoyed at him, but I was so nevertheless.
In little more than a week after this I met him returning from a
visit to the Wilsons'; and I now resolved to do him a good turn,
though at the expense of his feelings, and perhaps at the risk of
incurring that displeasure which is so commonly the reward of those
who give disagreeable information, or tender their advice unasked.
In this, believe me, I was actuated by no motives of revenge for
the occasional annoyances I had lately sustained from him, - nor
yet by any feeling of malevolent enmity towards Miss Wilson, but
purely by the fact that I could not endure that such a woman should
be Mrs. Huntingdon's sister, and that, as well for his own sake as
for hers, I could not bear to think of his being deceived into a
union with one so unworthy of him, and so utterly unfitted to be
the partner of his quiet home, and the companion of his life. He
had had uncomfortable suspicions on that head himself, I imagined;
but such was his inexperience, and such were the lady's powers of
attraction, and her skill in bringing them to bear upon his young
imagination, that they had not disturbed him long; and I believe
the only effectual causes of the vacillating indecision that had
preserved him hitherto from making an actual declaration of love,
was the consideration of her connections, and especially of her
mother, whom he could not abide. Had they lived at a distance, he
might have surmounted the objection, but within two or three miles
of Woodford it was really no light matter.
'You've been to call on the Wilsons, Lawrence,' said I, as I walked
beside his pony.
'Yes,' replied he, slightly averting his face: 'I thought it but
civil to take the first opportunity of returning their kind
attentions, since they have been so very particular and constant in
their inquiries throughout the whole course of my illness.'
'It's all Miss Wilson's doing.'
'And if it is,' returned he, with a very perceptible blush, 'is
that any reason why I should not make a suitable acknowledgment?'
'It is a reason why you should not make the acknowledgment she
looks for.'
'Let us drop that subject if you please,' said he, in evident
displeasure.
'No, Lawrence, with your leave we'll continue it a while longer;
and I'll tell you something, now we're about it, which you may
believe or not as you choose - only please to remember that it is
not my custom to speak falsely, and that in this case I can have no
motive for misrepresenting the truth - '
'Well, Markham, what now?'
'Miss Wilson hates your sister. It may be natural enough that, in
her ignorance of the relationship, she should feel some degree of
enmity against her, but no good or amiable woman would be capable
of evincing that bitter, cold-blooded, designing malice towards a
fancied rival that I have observed in her.'
'Markham!'
'Yes - and it is my belief that Eliza Millward and she, if not the
very originators of the slanderous reports that have been
propagated, were designedly the encouragers and chief disseminators
of them. She was not desirous to mix up your name in the matter,
of course, but her delight was, and still is, to blacken your
sister's character to the utmost of her power, without risking too
greatly the exposure of her own malevolence!'
'I cannot believe it,' interrupted my companion, his face burning
with indignation.
'Well, as I cannot prove it, I must content myself with asserting
that it is so to the best of my belief; but as you would not
willingly marry Miss Wilson if it were so, you will do well to be
cautious, till you have proved it to be otherwise.'
'I never told you, Markham, that I intended to marry Miss Wilson,'
said he, proudly.
'No, but whether you do or not, she intends to marry you.'
'Did she tell you so?'
'No, but - '
'Then you have no right to make such an assertion respecting her.'
He slightly quickened his pony's pace, but I laid my hand on its
mane, determined he should not leave me yet.
'Wait a moment, Lawrence, and let me explain myself; and don't be
so very - I don't know what to call it - inaccessible as you are. -
I know what you think of Jane Wilson; and I believe I know how far
you are mistaken in your opinion: you think she is singularly
charming, elegant, sensible, and refined: you are not aware that
she is selfish, cold-hearted, ambitious, artful, shallow-minded - '
'Enough, Markham - enough!'
'No; let me finish:- you don't know that, if you married her, your
home would be rayless and comfortless; and it would break your
heart at last to find yourself united to one so wholly incapable of
sharing your tastes, feelings, and ideas - so utterly destitute of
sensibility, good feeling, and true nobility of soul.'
'Have you done?' asked my companion quietly.
'Yes; - I know you hate me for my impertinence, but I don't care if
it only conduces to preserve you from that fatal mistake.'
'Well!' returned he, with a rather wintry smile - 'I'm glad you
have overcome or forgotten your own afflictions so far as to be
able to study so deeply the affairs of others, and trouble your
head so unnecessarily about the fancied or possible calamities of
their future life.'
We parted - somewhat coldly again: but still we did not cease to
be friends; and my well-meant warning, though it might have been
more judiciously delivered, as well as more thankfully received,
was not wholly unproductive of the desired effect: his visit to
the Wilsons was not repeated, and though, in our subsequent
interviews, he never mentioned her name to me, nor I to him, - I
have reason to believe he pondered my words in his mind, eagerly
though covertly sought information respecting the fair lady from
other quarters, secretly compared my character of her with what he
had himself observed and what he heard from others, and finally
came to the conclusion that, all things considered, she had much
better remain Miss Wilson of Ryecote Farm than be transmuted into
Mrs. Lawrence of Woodford Hall. I believe, too, that he soon
learned to contemplate with secret amazement his former
predilection, and to congratulate himself on the lucky escape he
had made; but he never confessed it to me, or hinted one word of
acknowledgment for the part I had had in his deliverance, but this
was not surprising to any one that knew him as I did.
As for Jane Wilson, she, of course, was disappointed and embittered
by the sudden cold neglect and ultimate desertion of her former
admirer. Had I done wrong to blight her cherished hopes? I think
not; and certainly my conscience has never accused me, from that
day to this, of any evil design in the matter.
CHAPTER XLVII
One morning, about the beginning of November, while I was inditing
some business letters, shortly after breakfast, Eliza Millward came
to call upon my sister. Rose had neither the discrimination nor
the virulence to regard the little demon as I did, and they still
preserved their former intimacy. At the moment of her arrival,
however, there was no one in the room but Fergus and myself, my
mother and sister being both of them absent, 'on household cares
intent'; but I was not going to lay myself out for her amusement,
whoever else might so incline: I merely honoured her with a
careless salutation and a few words of course, and then went on
with my writing, leaving my brother to be more polite if he chose.
But she wanted to tease me.
'What a pleasure it is to find you at home, Mr. Markham!' said she,
with a disingenuously malicious smile. 'I so seldom see you now,
for you never come to the vicarage. Papa, is quite offended, I can
tell you,' she added playfully, looking into my face with an
impertinent laugh, as she seated herself, half beside and half
before my desk, off the corner of the table.
'I have had a good deal to do of late,' said I, without looking up
from my letter.
'Have you, indeed! Somebody said you had been strangely neglecting
your business these last few months.'
'Somebody said wrong, for, these last two months especially, I have
been particularly plodding and diligent.'
'Ah! well, there's nothing like active employment, I suppose, to
console the afflicted; - and, excuse me, Mr. Markham, but you look
so very far from well, and have been, by all accounts, so moody and
thoughtful of late, - I could almost think you have some secret
care preying on your spirits. Formerly,' said she timidly, 'I
could have ventured to ask you what it was, and what I could do to
comfort you: I dare not do it now.'
'You're very kind, Miss Eliza. When I think you can do anything to
comfort me, I'll make bold to tell you.'
'Pray do! - I suppose I mayn't guess what it is that troubles you?'
'There's no necessity, for I'll tell you plainly. The thing that
troubles me the most at present is a young lady sitting at my
elbow, and preventing me from finishing my letter, and, thereafter,
repairing to my daily business.'
Before she could reply to this ungallant speech, Rose entered the
room; and Miss Eliza rising to greet her, they both seated
themselves near the fire, where that idle lad Fergus was standing,
leaning his shoulder against the corner of the chimney-piece, with
his legs crossed and his hands in his breeches-pockets.
'Now, Rose, I'll tell you a piece of news - I hope you have not
heard it before: for good, bad, or indifferent, one always likes
to be the first to tell. It's about that sad Mrs. Graham - '
'Hush-sh-sh!' whispered Fergus, in a tone of solemn import. '"We
never mention her; her name is never heard."' And glancing up, I
caught him with his eye askance on me, and his finger pointed to
his forehead; then, winking at the young lady with a doleful shake
of the head, be whispered - 'A monomania - but don't mention it -
all right but that.'
'I should be sorry to injure any one's feelings,' returned she,
speaking below her breath. 'Another time, perhaps.'
'Speak out, Miss Eliza!' said I, not deigning to notice the other's
buffooneries: 'you needn't fear to say anything in my presence.'
'Well,' answered she, 'perhaps you know already that Mrs. Graham's
husband is not really dead, and that she had run away from him?' I
started, and felt my face glow; but I bent it over my letter, and
went on folding it up as she proceeded. 'But perhaps you did not
know that she is now gone back to him again, and that a perfect
reconciliation has taken place between them? Only think,' she
continued, turning to the confounded Rose, 'what a fool the man
must be!'
'And who gave you this piece of intelligence, Miss Eliza?' said I,
interrupting my sister's exclamations.